Relapse
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Relapse
On February 18th, 2015, I was hospitalized for drinking too much for the 3rd time in 3 years. It was an awful experience, but in many ways was the wake up call I needed. My previous hospitalizations were unknown to everyone but me and my therapist, but the one last February was more public and embarassing.
After that, I had a run of 62 sober days where I got my life in order. I then had a "slip" where I drank with a friend during a rain delay at a baseball game. I then had about 82 days before another stupid slip up, then 97 days before I failed to stay sober at my brother's wedding and 90 days after that before I drank while on a date in January. I got through February doing well, but on Friday, I screwed up badly and got horrifically drunk at a work happy hour.
I have no idea how I got home Friday night, but I did and somehow didn't wind up in a hospital. Yesterday morning I was so ashamed of myself that I bought a bottle of vodka and began drinking around noon.
I then met up with some friends at a bar to watch the NCAA tournament and continued drinking. I was buzzed, but not yet hammered when my friends started heading home. I got home at around 5PM, pretty buzzed and proceeded to pound vodka shots until I passed out.
This morning I dumped the rest out, but this is certainly not something I'm categorizing as a slip up. This was a relapse. I'm terrified of what will happen at work tomorrow morning. I'm also afraid that if I do find myself in trouble for something I said or did on Friday, that I'll be temped to drink again.
This site was invaluable for me when I got things back on track last year, and I'm going to be spending more time on here now that I've messed up and again dealing with a bad hangover, but much worse mental anxiety.
Unfortunately, it's Day 1 for me again.
After that, I had a run of 62 sober days where I got my life in order. I then had a "slip" where I drank with a friend during a rain delay at a baseball game. I then had about 82 days before another stupid slip up, then 97 days before I failed to stay sober at my brother's wedding and 90 days after that before I drank while on a date in January. I got through February doing well, but on Friday, I screwed up badly and got horrifically drunk at a work happy hour.
I have no idea how I got home Friday night, but I did and somehow didn't wind up in a hospital. Yesterday morning I was so ashamed of myself that I bought a bottle of vodka and began drinking around noon.
I then met up with some friends at a bar to watch the NCAA tournament and continued drinking. I was buzzed, but not yet hammered when my friends started heading home. I got home at around 5PM, pretty buzzed and proceeded to pound vodka shots until I passed out.
This morning I dumped the rest out, but this is certainly not something I'm categorizing as a slip up. This was a relapse. I'm terrified of what will happen at work tomorrow morning. I'm also afraid that if I do find myself in trouble for something I said or did on Friday, that I'll be temped to drink again.
This site was invaluable for me when I got things back on track last year, and I'm going to be spending more time on here now that I've messed up and again dealing with a bad hangover, but much worse mental anxiety.
Unfortunately, it's Day 1 for me again.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I'm sorry for your situation and it's good that you came here and posted.
Reading your post, I think that by minimizing your 'slips', you ended up with a big mess. My suggestion would be to take serious action when you have your first slip so that they don't continue. I think you are allowing a crack in the door to drinking again and it's not working well for you. When you firmly close that door, your mind will stop wandering back to the idea of drinking again.
I hope that things go well at work tomorrow.
Reading your post, I think that by minimizing your 'slips', you ended up with a big mess. My suggestion would be to take serious action when you have your first slip so that they don't continue. I think you are allowing a crack in the door to drinking again and it's not working well for you. When you firmly close that door, your mind will stop wandering back to the idea of drinking again.
I hope that things go well at work tomorrow.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
It is not unusual to relapse. Don't get yourself down about it. You need to get a serious plan for your future. Do you really want to live worrying about what you may have done while under the influence. That is terribly tramatic...so many bad things happen when you lose control. Eventually, you will face the truth so drinking to avoid the fact that you are not in contol and have behaved badly will only prolong reality. You have to decide to quit and never drink again or keep living your life on that rollercoaster until your body can't take it anymore. Then it will be too late. Take control of your future.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Yeah, I do think I trivialized the slips. My main point is I guess that I didn't let any become full on relapses and they didn't have negative consequences.
This situation I'm in now is so much worse and I am fearful that if things go badly at work tomorrow, this will spiral out of control. And if nothing gets mentioned about my behavior, I'm honestly afraid that I'll use that as justification to keep drinking.
I'm not in any program. I thought a lot about it last year, but ended up never doing one. I relied a lot on this site and my therapist. I'm single, but am close with my parents and brother, that live about 2 hours from New York City (where I live).
I never have come clean with my family about my struggles with alcohol, but they know of my struggles with anxiety and depression. I realize that if I'm going to beat this once and for all, I need to let them know and make them hold me accountable.
This situation I'm in now is so much worse and I am fearful that if things go badly at work tomorrow, this will spiral out of control. And if nothing gets mentioned about my behavior, I'm honestly afraid that I'll use that as justification to keep drinking.
I'm not in any program. I thought a lot about it last year, but ended up never doing one. I relied a lot on this site and my therapist. I'm single, but am close with my parents and brother, that live about 2 hours from New York City (where I live).
I never have come clean with my family about my struggles with alcohol, but they know of my struggles with anxiety and depression. I realize that if I'm going to beat this once and for all, I need to let them know and make them hold me accountable.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I can relate to your fear about Monday mornings back at work after Friday happy hour drinks. I made a complete ass of myself in front of coworkers just a month into my job. I didn't last long there as my reputation had irreparable damage. I wasn't fired or even admonished, however, I knew that there was little chance for promotion after this. It wasn't that I got drunk, because everyone was drinking, but it was how crazy I was compared to everyone else.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
This situation I'm in now is so much worse and I am fearful that if things go badly at work tomorrow, this will spiral out of control. And if nothing gets mentioned about my behavior, I'm honestly afraid that I'll use that as justification to keep drinking.
The way I read this is: if anyone says comments on Friday night, it will cause you to drink. If no one comments on Friday night, you'll assume nothing bad happened and it will cause you to drink.
How about this: if someone mentions your behavior Friday night, you'll realize you need to not drink. If no one mentions your behavior, you'll realize you need to not drink.
The way I read this is: if anyone says comments on Friday night, it will cause you to drink. If no one comments on Friday night, you'll assume nothing bad happened and it will cause you to drink.
How about this: if someone mentions your behavior Friday night, you'll realize you need to not drink. If no one mentions your behavior, you'll realize you need to not drink.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
One of the things bothering me a lot today is that I just got promoted, and now this happens. Again, I hope it was nothing that was terrible, and it was just me being super drunk. I've been with this company now for 6 years and have had a few minor incidents in that time. If this was bad enough to get me admonished or worse, it will be really devastating to me.
I live alone and struggle a lot with dating. My job and my confidence in doing my job is the biggest rock in my life. I'm beyond mad at myself for jeopardizing that.
I live alone and struggle a lot with dating. My job and my confidence in doing my job is the biggest rock in my life. I'm beyond mad at myself for jeopardizing that.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
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FL, I like how you worded that.
Where I'm at mentally right now, I'd be lying if I said that's how I feel, however. I know that actions are what matter though, so I'm going to stick close to this site and make sure that I don't make this worse than it already is.
Where I'm at mentally right now, I'd be lying if I said that's how I feel, however. I know that actions are what matter though, so I'm going to stick close to this site and make sure that I don't make this worse than it already is.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
That's the way alcohol likes to lure you back in. A couple drinks on an occasion and nothing bad happens. Then maybe a few months later a couple drinks again and nothing bad happens. And then it POUNCES on you.
The only way to keep it from ensnaring you again is to shut the door on it completely for all situations, including dates, rain delays, and being around others who are drinking.
For me, I felt it wisest NOT to ask people to hold me accountable because that placed some of the responsibility on THEM. I wanted it all on ME. What helped a lot was telling people, "No, thanks. I don't drink." I found folks really respected that and generally didn't pressure me. Let your social circle know that you're not drinking anymore. If you don't want to go into detail, tell them your doctor said you either had to give up drinking or go on blood pressure meds, so you decided to quit the booze instead.
Best of luck tomorrow!
The only way to keep it from ensnaring you again is to shut the door on it completely for all situations, including dates, rain delays, and being around others who are drinking.
For me, I felt it wisest NOT to ask people to hold me accountable because that placed some of the responsibility on THEM. I wanted it all on ME. What helped a lot was telling people, "No, thanks. I don't drink." I found folks really respected that and generally didn't pressure me. Let your social circle know that you're not drinking anymore. If you don't want to go into detail, tell them your doctor said you either had to give up drinking or go on blood pressure meds, so you decided to quit the booze instead.
Best of luck tomorrow!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Nymets, I remember you from back when.
I think it's time you admitted that the actions and tools you've acquired so far -- this site, your therapist -- have been helpful, but haven't been enough.
Hold on to what's helped so far, but you need more tools. Asking the support of your family is a good idea. Finding a community of people who share your problem with alcohol might help as well.
In the end, all's I'm saying: I had to do things and ask for help in ways that took me way out of my comfort zone. But because I've asked, I've found help over and over that I never would have believed was possible.
Good luck to you, from NYC.
I think it's time you admitted that the actions and tools you've acquired so far -- this site, your therapist -- have been helpful, but haven't been enough.
Hold on to what's helped so far, but you need more tools. Asking the support of your family is a good idea. Finding a community of people who share your problem with alcohol might help as well.
In the end, all's I'm saying: I had to do things and ask for help in ways that took me way out of my comfort zone. But because I've asked, I've found help over and over that I never would have believed was possible.
Good luck to you, from NYC.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Posts: 984
Yeah, last spring I used the "allergy medication" line all the time. More recently, I've been more avoidant of obvious drinking events, but have been participating in as much social interaction as I can and while I've not had the guts to say "I'm a non-drinker," lots of people don't view me as much of a drinker anymore and as I am now 30, there's less
My depression largely is focused around feelings of lonliness. With anxiety, obviously alcohol is the worst, but I do always find something else to worry about even when drinking was largely out of the picture in this last year.
On Friday, I think there was a mix of some overconfidence, combined with the desire to fit in more at work. I really like the company and know that I do good work, but I'm definitely not in the social circle of friends in my office. Obviously I don't think I made it any better by being obliterated and not remembering anything beyond like 6PM.
One thing I thought about last year, but never went through with, was moving closer to home. I find that my lonliness is a lot lower when I'm around family. The company I work for has offices all over the country and I've talked about a transfer with my boss before. I hope that I didn't jeopardize that on Friday. If I'm formally admonished or worse, it just complicates things.
My depression largely is focused around feelings of lonliness. With anxiety, obviously alcohol is the worst, but I do always find something else to worry about even when drinking was largely out of the picture in this last year.
On Friday, I think there was a mix of some overconfidence, combined with the desire to fit in more at work. I really like the company and know that I do good work, but I'm definitely not in the social circle of friends in my office. Obviously I don't think I made it any better by being obliterated and not remembering anything beyond like 6PM.
One thing I thought about last year, but never went through with, was moving closer to home. I find that my lonliness is a lot lower when I'm around family. The company I work for has offices all over the country and I've talked about a transfer with my boss before. I hope that I didn't jeopardize that on Friday. If I'm formally admonished or worse, it just complicates things.
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
So sorry you are back at day 1 and hoping it is your last day 1 ever.
That being said I have had my share of day ones and can tell you everything seems much worse when you are on the throes of anxiety and trying not to drink. Go in to work tomorrow and start working. If anyone brings up Friday then just agree that yeah, things got crazy, but you are better now, thanks for the concern.
A similar thing happened to me when attending a party at the home of a co-worker, among a bunch of other coworkers. It was a really hot day, so we were all drinking beer like it was water. Until one guy started passing around tequila shots. I got so drunk that I proceeded to tumble down a hill and pass out at the edge of the road. Two of my coworkers had to drag me to another coworkers car and pour me into the back seat. Fortunately they figured out where I live and got me home in one piece, while another drove my car to my house and left it in my driveway. This was a Sunday; talk about a walk of shame Monday morning! I do still work with these people and consider them my friends, but never did go to another work event where alcohol is served.
I hope you work with people who are as kind and forgiving, but if not then maybe it is best to move on anyway.
And if any of their comments make you want to grab a drink, run to a safe place and come on SR. It was here that I found the quote that has kept me from taking that first drink on more than one occasion:
You might regret drinking, but you will never regret not drinking.
Best to you - we are behind you!
That being said I have had my share of day ones and can tell you everything seems much worse when you are on the throes of anxiety and trying not to drink. Go in to work tomorrow and start working. If anyone brings up Friday then just agree that yeah, things got crazy, but you are better now, thanks for the concern.
A similar thing happened to me when attending a party at the home of a co-worker, among a bunch of other coworkers. It was a really hot day, so we were all drinking beer like it was water. Until one guy started passing around tequila shots. I got so drunk that I proceeded to tumble down a hill and pass out at the edge of the road. Two of my coworkers had to drag me to another coworkers car and pour me into the back seat. Fortunately they figured out where I live and got me home in one piece, while another drove my car to my house and left it in my driveway. This was a Sunday; talk about a walk of shame Monday morning! I do still work with these people and consider them my friends, but never did go to another work event where alcohol is served.
I hope you work with people who are as kind and forgiving, but if not then maybe it is best to move on anyway.
And if any of their comments make you want to grab a drink, run to a safe place and come on SR. It was here that I found the quote that has kept me from taking that first drink on more than one occasion:
You might regret drinking, but you will never regret not drinking.
Best to you - we are behind you!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Thanks for your comments and the story you shared.
One co-worker (not a boss) did send me a text asking if I got home safely. Obviously he knew I was drunk in a bad way and he cared enough to ask. My hope is that he would have maybe said if I did anything horrible, but I really don't know.
My biggest worry is that I said something negative to my boss or another manager. As with any job, there's things that I don't think are good. I'm just terrified that I used my drunkenness as an excuse to say those things. And I really like the job. It's not perfect, but I'll be devastated if this turns into something bad.
One co-worker (not a boss) did send me a text asking if I got home safely. Obviously he knew I was drunk in a bad way and he cared enough to ask. My hope is that he would have maybe said if I did anything horrible, but I really don't know.
My biggest worry is that I said something negative to my boss or another manager. As with any job, there's things that I don't think are good. I'm just terrified that I used my drunkenness as an excuse to say those things. And I really like the job. It's not perfect, but I'll be devastated if this turns into something bad.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Nymets check these links out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Stick with us through regular interaction join a class & see some excellent threads all the links are awesome bud
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Stick with us through regular interaction join a class & see some excellent threads all the links are awesome bud
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Thanks sober wolf. I'm currently in the Feb 2015 class and have been posting regularly. I'm going to spend a lot more time on the newcomers board in the coming days/weeks.
I'm still panicking and having racing thoughts. The thought of walking into the office tomorrow is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Once I get through whatever happens tomorrow, I'll focus on a more concrete plan. It was nice having a full year with no drinking issues, and I have kept running notes of how life is more manageable when I'm not drinking
I'm still panicking and having racing thoughts. The thought of walking into the office tomorrow is causing me a lot of anxiety.
Once I get through whatever happens tomorrow, I'll focus on a more concrete plan. It was nice having a full year with no drinking issues, and I have kept running notes of how life is more manageable when I'm not drinking
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There seems to be a pattern. You go to places where people are drinking and you drink.
I know for me I almost drank in at a party and from that day forward for the next year I stayed away from wet places.
Sobriety is about a new life not trying to make my old life work without drinking
I know for me I almost drank in at a party and from that day forward for the next year I stayed away from wet places.
Sobriety is about a new life not trying to make my old life work without drinking
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Location: New York
Posts: 984
MI, yeah, unfortunately, that's the reality I face in New York City. It's one of the reasons I am considering moving back home. Fact is, almost nobody in NYC drives to work, so happy hours can get out of control.
There are loads of sober things to do in NYC and it's not like everyone is always drinking, but it's sort of always going on around me. I often have meetings outside of NYC and it's always clear to me how there's much less focus on booze when there's a lunch. And everyone is worried about missing traffic and getting home on time, so it seems like happy hours are much less frequent. Again, I know that I put myself in a bad position by even going, but I can't really 100% avoid booze here.
As the summer is approaching, I'm looking forward to going to my parents or brother's house every weekend, which I did last summer. Hiking, golf, tennis, etc.
There are loads of sober things to do in NYC and it's not like everyone is always drinking, but it's sort of always going on around me. I often have meetings outside of NYC and it's always clear to me how there's much less focus on booze when there's a lunch. And everyone is worried about missing traffic and getting home on time, so it seems like happy hours are much less frequent. Again, I know that I put myself in a bad position by even going, but I can't really 100% avoid booze here.
As the summer is approaching, I'm looking forward to going to my parents or brother's house every weekend, which I did last summer. Hiking, golf, tennis, etc.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by nymets86 
MI, yeah, unfortunately, that's the reality I face in New York City. It's one of the reasons I am considering moving back home. Fact is, almost nobody in NYC drives to work, so happy hours can get out of control.
There are loads of sober things to do in NYC and it's not like everyone is always drinking, but it's sort of always going on around me. I often have meetings outside of NYC and it's always clear to me how there's much less focus on booze when there's a lunch. And everyone is worried about missing traffic and getting home on time, so it seems like happy hours are much less frequent. Again, I know that I put myself in a bad position by even going, but I can't really 100% avoid booze here.
As the summer is approaching, I'm looking forward to going to my parents or brother's house every weekend, which I did last summer. Hiking, golf, tennis, etc.
There are loads of sober things to do in NYC and it's not like everyone is always drinking, but it's sort of always going on around me. I often have meetings outside of NYC and it's always clear to me how there's much less focus on booze when there's a lunch. And everyone is worried about missing traffic and getting home on time, so it seems like happy hours are much less frequent. Again, I know that I put myself in a bad position by even going, but I can't really 100% avoid booze here.
As the summer is approaching, I'm looking forward to going to my parents or brother's house every weekend, which I did last summer. Hiking, golf, tennis, etc.
Unfortunately Geographical cures are almost never successful. All that happens are your drinking patterns change a little
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