struggling girlfriend of an addict currently in rehab - how to cope? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 02-23-2016, 08:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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struggling girlfriend of an addict currently in rehab - how to cope?


Good evening everyone - newcomer here. I just want to express my thanks for finding soberrecovery because i'm losing sleep and hope and have no one to turn to and I am very sad .
A little bit of background on my relationship:
7 months ago, During the first two dates my boyfriend took me out on, he stated that he was 2 years sober from drugs and alcohol. I thought to myself that I wouldn't have a problem with his addiction anymore and that he was fully recovered. Boy was I wrong.
With not having any history of alcoholism in my family, I didn't think much of his recovery besides that he decided to not drink anymore.
Anyway,
The first 3-4 months of our relationship (during the summer) , we were in our honeymoon phase. To say the least, he was very lovey-dovey, romantic, and had high sexual desires. Besides being an affectionate boyfriend, he worked almost everyday- a hardworker, and wasn't sloppy at all. Not lazy, cleaned up and always smelled good.

Anyway, he relapsed about 4 times the last 3 months. I dont doubt he used behind mine and his family's back at more times too.
He decided to check in to rehab when he admitted to me he was miserable and had a problem. He never is violent with me or verbally abusive. The closest thing was probably when he came to pick me up when he was tipsy and I didn't know he was and he drove. I asked him why he would put our lives in danger and he reasoned to me and said that he missed me so much ( we at most see each other twice a week).
He checked in rehab on Jan 2, 2016. He was doing well for the first few weeks he said he finally found God again. but He relapsed on feb 9th - (took 5 xanax and went to the bar and got arrested for public misconduct). At the time i didn't know he got arrested or relapsed.
I had no contact with him for 7 days I was worried SICK!!!!
I heard back from him after all that and he apologized.

I visited him the saturday after he got back.. he's miserable, in bad shape, very angry about not having his car in his possession and not having his phone and no job during rehab.. he says it makes him want to retaliate. He mentioned that he doesn't want to be sober yet hes still at rehab till this day.

I just need advice.. on how to handle his relapse and his bitter attitude about being in rehab. basically this relationship.. this is all new to me. I'm visiting him this weekend so I want to be able to say and do the right things to make him feel better.
I APPRECIATE IT ALL. love you all so much
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Old 02-23-2016, 10:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome Tc this comes down on if you want to be in a relationship with him & I'm guessing you do as your visiting him ?
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Old 02-24-2016, 12:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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As an addict I resent a lot about addiction . Finding god just means finding some bright spot inside that makes you want to get better. Honestly substances make you feel things that you can't sober. For the addicted they also destroy everything. Maybe its just science he found you and it felt so good it triggered the things that feel like that. Its a mess and our best recovery methods are talking to people and things like AA which has no success rate.

Probably a similar thought process as your bf.

Its up to you , smart and best thing to do is leave. Next would be to make your life revolve around his terrible things he does to you. ALANON if you want to sit in a circle and talk about it.

Ill be banned in two minutes because this is the stepford wives website of nonsense.
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Old 02-24-2016, 03:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi TC -

The most important thing to keep in mind is that he won't get sober unless he wants it and is willing to do the work - you can't do it for him.

From his comments, it sounds like he isn't ready to give sobriety his all. Sorry :/

Going into this weekend, I suggest you figure out what your boundaries are so that you can take care of you. Even better if you can make them explicit by writing them down and sharing them with your guy. Your needs are important - don't sacrifice them to an alcoholic. We take all that you'll give us and give little in return.

I also suggest seeing if the rehab facility has any resources for you. There is also a friends and family section here on SR with folks who share experiences and support.

Good luck!
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Old 02-24-2016, 08:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I would suggest that you run for the hills and never look back.

Is this how you want your life to be?
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Old 02-24-2016, 08:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for your situation.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to be sober, he probably won't be sober because it takes a lot of motivation. And, being in a rehab doesn't guarantee by any means, that he will be sober when he comes out. I hope that he changes his mind.

You can find support here and do check out our Friends & Families forum on this board.
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Old 07-30-2017, 11:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I dealt with a similar situation

Im going to start by telling you about my relationship with my now ex boyfriend. When I met him he let me know he was a heroin addict, he had only been clean for a month, at this time I thought it was no big deal, I didn't think he'd relapse either, we were together five months paying rent out of his parents house and then we got kicked out and had to live in the car, that's when he finally relapsed. It was January 2017 and snowing while we had to live in the car and our heater went out 3 days in. After 2 weeks of living in the car and him using for two weeks, I was sick of going to sleep and waking up cold, my back hurt, all around I fealt really crappy. I couldn't take the pain in my back anymore so my ex offered me some of his heroin and I gave in because I didn't care anymore. My future was the furthest thing from my mind. After that one time I kept using because I didn't have anything better to do, and before I knew it, it was no longer a choice to use or not, if I didn't want to withdraw. Within a month I got my tolerance so high that I was buying $350 worth EVERYDAY for the last 2 weeks I was using before rehab. I realized I had no choice but to go to rehab when I was out of money and started to withdraw, needless to say I was throwing up every few mins and I literally pooped my pants on accident (sorry for the details lol) I couldnt control my body, my nose was just dripping snot I was freezing but drenched in sweat which makes it 1000x worse. I knew then and there I needed some serious help I didn't want to feel that way ever again. Oh and I did I mention this was still whIle we were living in our car in the snow and we lost the car keys and the windows were half down from the night before. That's barely any details about that first month. In rehab things started to feel okay again, but right when we got out my ex went and used the very next day! And of course I followed cause you know drug addict over here I couldn't help myself when he was doing it in front of me! And that's when 4 more months of using began. Me trying to get clean and constantly relapsing, him consistently using. Our life was a wreck and both of us became wrecks too. I ended up way were than him. I was and still am emotionally scared from just 5 months of using. I saw a lot of **** and saved too many people's lives. My own life gave me ptsd. I constantly have flashbacks of that time period. My mental state started to dramatically decline. I developed panic disorder, which later developed into agoraphobia ( the fear of going to specific places) there's different levels of agoraphobia, the number of places you go to gets less and less. I was a severe case, I got to the point where I couldn't leave my house, well really my bed (except to smoke a cigarette or use the bathroom), I couldn't even go to my kitchen anymore, I wasn't showering anymore, no make up no brushing my teeth no changing my clothes, and it's not like I wanted to be that way, I just couldn't do anything about. Not only was my mental stopping me, my physical body was drastically declining. I went from 135 lbs (which is already skinny for me) to 90 lbs! I was on the verge of death from not eating, drinking water, moving my body, I would almost pass out just standing up out of bed. The only reason I'm alive right now is because my mom came and got me and nursed me back to health. My point is addiction is ruthless, it wants to break you down until you're nothing, I got down to nothing In way less time than I couldve ever imagined. All of the things that happened wouldn't have happened if I had never dated this guy. I was the popular pretty girl in highschool.... I was and still am ashamed that I became a heroin addict and that I let myself unintentionally of course get to that point, I'm depressed and anxiety ridden and I still have panic attacks, and my ex broke down my self esteem until it was also nothing. Laying in my bed all I could think about was how I was nothing and had nothing and only one person to rely on for my life, literally. My ex made me feel like nothing, my crippling depression and anxiety made me feel like nothing, my ADDICTION made me feel like NOTHING. I was lost. I am lost. I'm two months clean right now trying to put back what little of me and my life remain. That's not true, nothing was left over, I had to start from the ground up, I have to reinvent myself, two months clean and I still don't know who I am anymore and I still don't know how to process being normal. I guess I'm trying to say to pick wisell when you're deciding what to do in life. If this guy you're with is serious about getting clean ( doesn't really sound like it :/) then I belive you can have a happy relationship with some therapy. But if he isn't serious, like truly 100% want to get clean and stay clean then maybe it's time to cut your losses... he shouldn't be putting you through the pain of watching him get clean and relapse time and time again,which is what WILL happen if hes not 100% about getting clean and staying clean. I dont want you to end up getting hurt repeatedly by his using or even worse do like I did and start using with him. If me and my ex hadn't decided to move to Idaho and him go first I wouldn't have had enough time to realize how much better off I am without him. I love him so much even through everything that happened during our relationship, so yeah it was a really hard choice to make but I know it's the right one, it's okay to choose yourself sometimes. Love Kim <3
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Old 07-30-2017, 06:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Kimmyb - I'm glad you found us

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