Old 07-30-2017, 11:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Kimmyb1998
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1
I dealt with a similar situation

Im going to start by telling you about my relationship with my now ex boyfriend. When I met him he let me know he was a heroin addict, he had only been clean for a month, at this time I thought it was no big deal, I didn't think he'd relapse either, we were together five months paying rent out of his parents house and then we got kicked out and had to live in the car, that's when he finally relapsed. It was January 2017 and snowing while we had to live in the car and our heater went out 3 days in. After 2 weeks of living in the car and him using for two weeks, I was sick of going to sleep and waking up cold, my back hurt, all around I fealt really crappy. I couldn't take the pain in my back anymore so my ex offered me some of his heroin and I gave in because I didn't care anymore. My future was the furthest thing from my mind. After that one time I kept using because I didn't have anything better to do, and before I knew it, it was no longer a choice to use or not, if I didn't want to withdraw. Within a month I got my tolerance so high that I was buying $350 worth EVERYDAY for the last 2 weeks I was using before rehab. I realized I had no choice but to go to rehab when I was out of money and started to withdraw, needless to say I was throwing up every few mins and I literally pooped my pants on accident (sorry for the details lol) I couldnt control my body, my nose was just dripping snot I was freezing but drenched in sweat which makes it 1000x worse. I knew then and there I needed some serious help I didn't want to feel that way ever again. Oh and I did I mention this was still whIle we were living in our car in the snow and we lost the car keys and the windows were half down from the night before. That's barely any details about that first month. In rehab things started to feel okay again, but right when we got out my ex went and used the very next day! And of course I followed cause you know drug addict over here I couldn't help myself when he was doing it in front of me! And that's when 4 more months of using began. Me trying to get clean and constantly relapsing, him consistently using. Our life was a wreck and both of us became wrecks too. I ended up way were than him. I was and still am emotionally scared from just 5 months of using. I saw a lot of **** and saved too many people's lives. My own life gave me ptsd. I constantly have flashbacks of that time period. My mental state started to dramatically decline. I developed panic disorder, which later developed into agoraphobia ( the fear of going to specific places) there's different levels of agoraphobia, the number of places you go to gets less and less. I was a severe case, I got to the point where I couldn't leave my house, well really my bed (except to smoke a cigarette or use the bathroom), I couldn't even go to my kitchen anymore, I wasn't showering anymore, no make up no brushing my teeth no changing my clothes, and it's not like I wanted to be that way, I just couldn't do anything about. Not only was my mental stopping me, my physical body was drastically declining. I went from 135 lbs (which is already skinny for me) to 90 lbs! I was on the verge of death from not eating, drinking water, moving my body, I would almost pass out just standing up out of bed. The only reason I'm alive right now is because my mom came and got me and nursed me back to health. My point is addiction is ruthless, it wants to break you down until you're nothing, I got down to nothing In way less time than I couldve ever imagined. All of the things that happened wouldn't have happened if I had never dated this guy. I was the popular pretty girl in highschool.... I was and still am ashamed that I became a heroin addict and that I let myself unintentionally of course get to that point, I'm depressed and anxiety ridden and I still have panic attacks, and my ex broke down my self esteem until it was also nothing. Laying in my bed all I could think about was how I was nothing and had nothing and only one person to rely on for my life, literally. My ex made me feel like nothing, my crippling depression and anxiety made me feel like nothing, my ADDICTION made me feel like NOTHING. I was lost. I am lost. I'm two months clean right now trying to put back what little of me and my life remain. That's not true, nothing was left over, I had to start from the ground up, I have to reinvent myself, two months clean and I still don't know who I am anymore and I still don't know how to process being normal. I guess I'm trying to say to pick wisell when you're deciding what to do in life. If this guy you're with is serious about getting clean ( doesn't really sound like it :/) then I belive you can have a happy relationship with some therapy. But if he isn't serious, like truly 100% want to get clean and stay clean then maybe it's time to cut your losses... he shouldn't be putting you through the pain of watching him get clean and relapse time and time again,which is what WILL happen if hes not 100% about getting clean and staying clean. I dont want you to end up getting hurt repeatedly by his using or even worse do like I did and start using with him. If me and my ex hadn't decided to move to Idaho and him go first I wouldn't have had enough time to realize how much better off I am without him. I love him so much even through everything that happened during our relationship, so yeah it was a really hard choice to make but I know it's the right one, it's okay to choose yourself sometimes. Love Kim <3
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