Seep9871

Well, I fought it off as long as I could. This evening I gave in. I am finishing up my second glass of Pinot Noir. I recorked the bottle (something I've never had to do!) and put it back on the shelf. I don't feel bad or guilty about it, yet. I went 13 days. I feel great, like a new person - happy, productive, alert. Right now I'm enjoying this newfound buzz. I don't feel tempted to refill my glass. Again, I don't know if this is good or bad, if I should be disappointed in myself or simply cautious.

What I do know is this -

I CANNOT wake up tomorrow morning and reach for the open bottle to finish it. I know my AV will be telling me too, reasoning with me that it will give me a quick boost, and what's a AM couple glasses really hurting? I MUST and AM going to break that cycle. I guess I will see if moderation is going to be possible for me.

I am SO thankful for the 13 days I had. I would like to go another 13 after this initial moderating test. I need to see how much control I really have. If, it turns out, my relapse turns into a binge, well, then I guess I will have my firm diagnosis.

I am slightly nervous, but confident. I hope I have not caused anyone else disappointment.

Just had to share. I went back and forth about that. Part of me wanted to delete my account and wake away from SR in shame, but I'm not going to give up this fight. Maybe this is just a bout of weakness in my journey and I will forever remember/regret these two glasses of vino tonight. And if so, I know I need SR. If not, i still owe everything I've become in these last 13 days to it, and I still have a long road to go and will need coaching/support.

on to Monday. :/

desertsong

I have to say, reading posts like this scares me. I have done what you are doing tonight sooooo many times and it never ended well. I might have been able to stop at 'just a couple' for an indefinite number of nights and felt quite proud of myself. But inevitably, the two would become four, then 6, then 10, and on it went. It didn't matter that I held it to 'just two.' It was the first drink that did me in every time, even if I didn't crash and burn until days or weeks later.

You say you can't wake up in the morning and finish the bottle. So don't even leave that door open ... dump the rest and then that question mark is taken out of the equation. That you are even thinking this way gives me cause for concern for you.

At this point in my sobriety, I know better than to 'test' whether or not I can moderate. I know I can't, not for the long term. Opening that door is terrifying to me. I have already 'done the research' on moderation and I've learned more than once that there is no such thing for an alcoholic.

I hope that this one night is it for you and that you can reclaim your sobriety tomorrow. If you are an alcoholic (and only you know if you are), this is a dangerous experiment and one I hope you will not continue to pursue. I am not trying to criticize or judge - just concerned for you. We are here for you at SR, and part of being supportive is being honest with you. I hope you will take my words as coming from a place of caring and not judgment.

Venecia

I'm sorry that you chose to drink.

Seep, your posts suggest the AV is in the driver's seat, particularly as you speculate that you can moderate.

Truth is, I think you need to do a long, hard assessment of your drinking. Check out this post, which I'm pasting here verbatim:

This week, I am NOT going to:

1. Anxiously wait for my roommate to leave for work in the morning so I can reach for my first bottle of wine.

2. Tell myself it's fine. I'm young and I will stop when it becomes a problem.

3. Pass out at noon, only to wake up to missed calls and emails from work, which I will read and forget about.

4. Take the trash out at 4o'clock and clean the apartment up. Why? Because I do this only to hide my evidence, not because I am a responsible and tidy roommate.

5. Let my younger sister/roommate watch me polish off a(nother) bottle of wine in the evening, as if it's no big deal and a perfectly acceptable way to end a workday (and let her believe it is my first of the day).

6. Drive around with mouthwash in my glove compartment.

7. Wake up feeling like **** every damn morning.

8. Lie to my friends and family about being drunk, telling them it's my new allergy medicine that's making me loopy.

At the moment, you write that you are "enjoying this newfound buzz." Please don't drink anything more tonight and use tomorrow as a new starting point that connects the reality of your drinking issues with the need to get sober.

Seep9871

Desertsong, thank you so much for this reply. It's so hard to read a response like that. But I know it is what I need to hear. Right now I feel very confident and in control and relaxed.

I think what I've been searching for and craving is "relaxed." The rest of the bottle is not going to be touched tomorrow morning. As soon as I get the inevitable craving, I am going to work out. I can't pour it out right now. It will look suspicious to my roommate and I'm sure she'll come home and finish it herself tomorrow night - I'd rather it not be wasted down the drain.

To cure my quest for relaxation, I've just ordered some Kava tea from Amazon, on rush order!

I am nervous because my post made you nervous. That is enough to clear my head. Looking forward to another great day tomorrow - day 13 of my path, day 1 of my new goal.

Thank you so much <3

Seep9871

I'm glad I stuck with you guys and did not leave SR. I am not drinking anymore tonight, and so far, do not feel the need to.

Venecia, I appreciate your insight. I know my desire tonight stems from my absolute loath for the work week to restart tomorrow. My career gives me crippling anxiety. I dream of a life where I do not have to face this every day. Perhaps time to dust off the resume. I just don't have the time/money to be off of work, and looking for a new job is a job in itself.

:/

sugarbear1

When we can't stay away from the bottle, there is a problem.

I hope you give it up completely!!

desertsong

I'm so glad you have stopped for the night. I'm also really glad that you came here and posted. That's what we're here for!

Keep to your goal and you will do fine. We all want to be able to relax ... we just have to learn to do it in positive ways. I meditate in the evenings before bed and it works wonders. I always thought it was kind of a crock, to be honest, but when I went to IOP a couple of years ago, we meditated regularly and I would actually get so relaxed during some of those sessions that I would fall asleep. One time, they even caught me snoring. lol

I'm happy we could be here for you. Keep coming back and keep pushing forward. You can and you will do this.

wehav2day

Seep, I wish you well on this journey. It sounds like you know how this is probably going to go...

I tried many, many, may times to moderate. I "succeeded" many times. For a day, two, maybe even 30 here or there. Always ended up back in the same spot. Not my happy place. I now see moderation the fluffy pink unicorn of the alcoholic. Our odds of winning the lottery jackpot are waaaaay better than our odds at drinking normally, I'm afraid.

Perhaps ask yourself this: do normal drinkers feel really proud of themselves when they "only" drink all a half bottle a night? Do normal drinkers summon all of their will to not finish the bottle in the morning?

Dee74

I'm not sure thats true.

I think you're consoling yourself with that thought - but I think there's a lot more you could have done simply because I know there is always another solution besides drinking.

There;s a lot of AV in your post - the consolation of not finishing the bottle and recorking it...and sure you can look at that as progress...but not until you dump the bottle, go back to the drawing board, and look at ways you could improve your recovery plan for those moments when you convince yourself your only option is to drink.

I get that you're conflicted and I've read elsewhere what you'd really like is to be able to have a glass or two.

I'd like you to consider the idea that you already have an indication of how much control you have by what happened tonight.

(I know I know - you recorked the bottle...but wouldn't not drinking at all be the kind of iron fisted control you're looking for? wouldn't you want to be able to dump that bottle and not raise a sweat?)

I'd like you to consider that if you could have alcohol in your life, and suffer no ill effects, that would have happened by now.

Don't waste twenty years on it like I did, Seep.

D

MyTime86

Let's be honest me and you both know you're going to finish that bottle tomorrow.
Give sobriety a real shot, it's tough at first but well worth it.
You're alcoholic voice is running you, as it has everyone here, break free. Good luck

Weatherman77

Pouring the bottle down the drain is not "wasting" it. That sort of thinking - that alcohol is valuable at all costs, even to your health - seems like AV. I also cringed at the term "initial moderating test." I used it too, many times, like I was in a lab coat with a clipboard or something. A true "test" consists of variables and an unknown outcome; my results were "Moderation" = Unwillingness to fully accept that alcohol is dangerous for me = Relapse. Don't waste the time checking the math that I did. Pour it out and start again - please.

Lance40

It sounds like your addiction is in the driver's seat tonight. I urge you to dump out the alcohol and recommit to sobriety now. Moderation doesn't work for the alcoholic. Even if you are successful for a day or a week or a month, at some point something will happen and you will be back right where you were, or worse. The scariest thing is that when you go back to drinking you never know if or when you'll get another chance.

The copy of your previous post that someone put in this thread sounds like a miserable way to live. It doesn't have to continue this way, but if you continue to have alcohol in your life then there isn't much hope that your life will change for the better.

Sobriety can be hard at first, but drinking and what it does to you is harder. I hope you are able to dump the alcohol and get back on track. We are here for you.

BarbieKen

Hi Seep,
Did you read the long thread about Normal Drinkers Don't? If so, did any comments ring a bell or make your insides moan?
Normies don't moderate, don't count days NOT drinking, then reward themselves with ONLY 2 glasses. How about that wasting good alcohol..oxymoron IMO.
I hope you continue to keep us posted on your journey.
Bobbi

Dropsie

We have all been there.

I hope that you will realise sooner than most of us that it just don't work no matter how hard we want it to.

Good luck.

noneever

Please pour the rest out in the sink. Moderation does not work.

I know, because I've been on that merry go round for the last 2 1/2 years. It is a shocking way to live.

doggonecarl

This saddens me. Not the relaspse. That happens in early recovery when the addiction is still strong. No, what's sad is your return to drinking as an experiment in moderation, as if 13 days proved you could handle it.

And maybe you can.

If you can't, I hope you can find your way back to sobriety. And that's what's sad. Many don't.

Soberwolf

Back on the wagon Seep you didn't go sober for 2+ weeks for no reason

ALinNS

Thank you for your post, I am in no way pushing AA as it's only part of what I am using however one thing it gave me was access to people I could go talk to or they would come to my home when I thought about drinking, there is also hot lines you can go. In short I would go to all lengths to get a drink, now I go to all lengths to stay sober, I am a believer when we make this transition we can and will stay sober because to me it's part of the foundation is a plan. This forum, online live chat meetings, addictions services and professional help are all part of my plan to stay sober and it is working very well.

Best wishes
Andrew

PurpleKnight

In isolation I never used to get too far, the reason being sheer willpower always came up against my addiction, and it always had better arguments as to why a drink would be a good idea.

Support and our resources are only as good as they are utilised, reaching out here on SR for a second opinion on things BEFORE doing anything may be something to build into your plan moving forward!!

dwtbd

"Right now I'm enjoying this newfound(?) buzz"
That is the problem , that enjoyment you feel and continuing to indulge that sensation is what leads to your list . I'm not pointing this out to be unfeeling , quite the opposite , I'm highlighting it because I know that feeling and what continuing to indulge it costs in mind body and soul.
The advice you are getting from the others is coming from a place of understanding the pull of that feeling. And it's coming from people who are trying to tell you that continuing to experience that feeling is Not worth it.
The second item on your list about being young and stopping before there is a problem is wrong , because you already have 'the problem'
Accept that the way you feel about being 'buzzed' and the actions you take to continue that feeling are problematic(see the seven other items and be fairly confident that list will grow in number and intensity). And decide what you can do about it.
wish you well and hope to see you around