Soberpotamus

You can do it, Bix. Sometimes it's steady, quiet, and even bullheaded persistence that gets us through the early days.

Nothing to prove to anyone. Do it for you. Your choice.

Patience and gentleness with yourself can really help.

BixBees505

Day 4 .

Arpeggioh

Welcome Back, Bix!

I've returned here so many times in ten years, I can't even count. It will always be Home when I'm desperate and determined to stop killing myself with booze, and in need of some sober support. You know how much caring and kindness is behind every post on this site; I'm glad you're back! Arp

FreeOwl

It is absolutely a decision.

When you "broke" - you made a decision. You CHOSE to break. You CHOSE to get drunk again. Nobody held you down and poured liquor down your throat at gunpoint, did they? YOU. CHOSE. IT.

And similarly, when I finally got tired of the cycle of that same choice, when I finally faced consequences that made the prospect of continuing the cycle more painful than the fear of changing it.... Well, I CHOSE to embrace sobriety. I CHOSE to take actions; go to AA, engage in therapy, stop going to bars, ramp up my exercise, avoid places that alcohol was going to be a central theme, let go of friendships that were unhealthy..... in other words, I didn't JUST CHOOSE - I also chose to take ACTIONS.

It is the combination of CHOICE and ACTION that sets us free.

Choosing to say "I CHOOSE" and then continuing to behave in exactly the same manner, without taking concrete actions to support our choice is the same thing as CHOOSING TO GET DRUNK.

So.... how do you do it?

First, you really get honest. You search yourself and you look past the part that's just faking it and saying "yeah, I HAVE to stop".... you look past the part that's just telling you what you want to hear.... you look back, deep down, early on.... to the little kid in you who never needed booze or drugs to have a good time and you say to that you "I love you. I miss you. I honor you. You and I are a team and I've got your back. I CHOOSE SOBRIETY. I CHOOSE LIFE".

And then, once you've really gone deep with your choice....

You take ACTION.

It really is that simple.

Though it's not easy.

BixBees505

Thanks Arpeggio...I sure wish you well, too. Thanks for your comment.
FreeOwl...you are an excellent articulate apologist. I agree with everything you said.

I'm really keeping it simple right now: choosing each and every morning to be sober in the day ahead, and taking the next right action, best I can, all day. Today is my last Day 4. I do have a detailed and clear sober plan. I continue to think about it and review it. But you know...a clear settled choice/decision really declutters the brain.

PS... I am really physically ill right now. When I get over this sickness and get more active again, the action FreeOwl advocates becomes possible and top of plan.

FreeOwl

I'd like to suggest that the above comment could be an indication of the 'same old same old'.

"I'll take action later...."

Physically ill or not, here is an action you can take RIGHT NOW:

(Link copied with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous International)

AA's Big Book

One of the earliest actions I took was to read The Big Book in its entirety. When you are feeling up to it, going to a meeting will get you a copy to take home. It's nice to have the actual book. But here it is, online, available 24 hrs and RIGHT NOW - for you to act.

Whether or not you ever decide that AA is a tool for you - this book is filled with knowledge, insight, experience, understanding and hope.

It's an action you can take that will move you forward.

You can begin the action of change RIGHT. NOW.

it's your choice....

FreeOwl

(reviewing a plan is good.... acting on a plan is better)

BixBees505

Point taken, FreeOwl. I appreciate it, very seriously. Thank you for challenging me.

FreeOwl

my pleasure..... you can be free.... you can life in a much deeper, more satisfying, more abundant and joyful way.

it's all up to you.

thomas11

Hi BB, so much good advice in this thread. I truly believe that for some people we just get sick of drinking. I went around 100 days, tried drinking again a couple times and didn't like it at all. Been pretty good ever since then. When I say pretty good I don't mean "slips". I mean, I don't crave alcohol at all really. And I'm at a point now where I could drink all day if I wanted to.

BixBees505

Hi thomas11, I thought I understood you, until your last sentence...which I don't understand at all. Would you like to elaborate?

BixBees505

Day 5.

Arpeggioh

Another opportunity for another sober day, Bix...every day we don't drink makes us stronger! I hope you're beginning to feel better physically; your head sounds clear and determined. Be on the alert for that nasty AV; mine can be a real killer!

thomas11

Sure, what I mean by my last sentence is that I have nothing that is keeping me from drinking. I'm currently unemployed, financially ok, and if I wanted to drink all day, I could. My wife would get mad, but there is really nothing stopping me. But I choose not to drink, and I don't crave alcohol anymore because I've gone so long without it.

But I will admit at first when the weekends came around, those old habits wanted to continue, but I just fought through the first few weekends and now I have a new normal. My new normal is not drinking. Does that answer your question?

BixBees505

Yes, thanks Thomas11, now I do. You sound very solid in your new normal. Thank you for sharing your experience with the abatement of craving.

Thanks for the encouraging words, Arpeggioh!

BixBees505

Day 6.

Arpeggioh

Bix: you must be finally feeling better today, yes? We were discussing appearance on another thread; if you look in the mirror today, I'll bet you'll see a slightly different face in the reflection; six days was when my improvement was noticeable, and it propelled me forward. I'm finally looking at two weeks tomorrow...

Reading your thoughts back at the first of this year, on this thread: that "want" and "need" language is eerily familiar to my own struggles in my own head over the years. I must believe that "need to" is what got me started again this time around, but with enough sober days, it will eventually lead to "want to." I think we're on to something here!

Wishing the best for you,
Arp

Hawkeye13

What Jeff says here is also true for me.
Being a non-drinker is my new norm now also.

The thought of picking up feels increasingly strange,
and I hope I keep trending that way forever, quite frankly

BixBees505

Arp...good on you for 2 weeks! Yes, I feel physically much better. I actually binged on Monday 5/16 on top of a wildly out of control respiratory infection. Same day I went to doctor and got antibiotic. I am still slowly recovering from the infection, set back significantly, I imagine by the coinciding binge. Still coughing my guts out. So I don't feel great yet, but I am sober, and I know I could certainly feel worse.

Hawkeye, that is great! I look forward to getting there.

I do think I "get" what I couldn't understand at the beginning of this thread, in January. I couldn't understand how to make a decision that I would not go back on. I had not really accepted my situation. I do accept it now. I endeavor now to do the work that will preserve my acceptance and the decisiveness that results from it.

BixBees505

So speaking of doing the work...acting on the plan, and not only forever tweaking my plan...

Each morning as soon as I wake up, I read recovery material on a site I found tha consolidates readings from many sources. I started this on Tue 5/17, which is my new Day 1. With this perspective and inspiration refreshed, I am recommit to staying sober in the day ahead. I like very much doing this as literally the first thing I do in the morning, clearly setting my intentions for the day.

I am too fresh off my binge, and have been so sick for the last week, that I have not had any cravings to speak of...YET. Now that I'm feeling better physically, I care again about my job and ...that means anxiety! I'm also very behind at work and don't believe I've been doing the job expected of me for some time. MORE anxiety. So I know that I know that tomorrow, Monday, is going to be a fraught and difficult day. I anticipate that without taking specific action, I will end up wanting VERY much to check out from my frustrating anxiety producing responsibilities.

So I am meeting a friend to go for groceries together immediately after work, and then cook and eat together. This is a friend in a related line of work, who will understand my fears and challenges. I hope to pick her brain a little and get a different perspective on some things I am struggling with. It will certainly occupy my mind during a dangerous time, and I fully expect to get some real help with the issues causing me the most trouble.

Well....I'm tired and will sign off now for sleep. I will be back here in the morning!