People say that "bottom" is a decision...
I can relate. After another black out night last night, making a fool of myself, again, I woke up hating myself, again. A good friend told me today, that he hopes I can stop drinking before my liver fails. That really scared me. But like you, I am scared about never having the option to drink again. I'm scared to continue and scared to stop. I can go about 3 days before it gets rough. Today is day 1. I'm glad I found this site.
I recognize that I ALWAYS have the option to drink again. When I shifted my perspective from HAVING to not drink into CHOOSING to not drink.... it really helped.
I always have the option. Nobody will stop me. I can get in the car and drive less than a mile right now and start drinking. But I don't want to. I want a better life. I want the life I've discovered in sobriety. Alcohol isn't even something I see as belonging in the life that I have created now. It's still an option and always will be. Just like crashing my car into a brick wall at 100mph is an option or robbing a convenience store is an option or chopping off my own arm with an axe is an option. I won't choose any of those options, and I won't choose drinking.
Removing the sense of "Cant" and changing it to a choice of "I don't" was a huge shift in my success.
Bix, in this case you are going to have to go on faith.
We have no reason to lie to you. We are not being paid to talk to you.
We all remember the euphoria. In early days, that's what is foremost in the mind. I wanted that stimulation and that high. I had created that by over-drinking for many years. That is the price I had to pay for those drinking days.
It passes. I think you made it about two months on this last quit? I would say it took me a year until I felt completely normal again in body, mind, and spirit. The first six months were tough, obsession-wise. There are lots of methods out there to redirect your thoughts when the thoughts of drinking come. The thoughts are going to come. It is your job to figure out what you need to tell yourself to keep from giving in. There are lots of suggestions in this thread, there are thousands of other threads on this site you can read.
The bottom line is do not pick up that first drink, no matter what.
It takes time and it takes continuous sobriety to get the benefits. I almost cannot remember the euphoria anymore. I definitely don't remember it as a good thing anymore. I see it as an evil. Something that tried to steal my joy; and it succeeded as long as I kept using it. You have to go on faith for now. Do the thing, understand it later.
We have no reason to lie to you. We are not being paid to talk to you.
We all remember the euphoria. In early days, that's what is foremost in the mind. I wanted that stimulation and that high. I had created that by over-drinking for many years. That is the price I had to pay for those drinking days.
It passes. I think you made it about two months on this last quit? I would say it took me a year until I felt completely normal again in body, mind, and spirit. The first six months were tough, obsession-wise. There are lots of methods out there to redirect your thoughts when the thoughts of drinking come. The thoughts are going to come. It is your job to figure out what you need to tell yourself to keep from giving in. There are lots of suggestions in this thread, there are thousands of other threads on this site you can read.
The bottom line is do not pick up that first drink, no matter what.
It takes time and it takes continuous sobriety to get the benefits. I almost cannot remember the euphoria anymore. I definitely don't remember it as a good thing anymore. I see it as an evil. Something that tried to steal my joy; and it succeeded as long as I kept using it. You have to go on faith for now. Do the thing, understand it later.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Bim, thank you. I had less than two months. Clearly not enough. I can accept that I failed to protect myself long enough to have a solid, well-formed decision. I can deal with the faith part. I trust the experience and people on SR.
Building a sobriety that I care deeply about cannot be just from fear of consequences...building a sobriety/sober life seems more like building a fire with wet wood. Takes longer than you think and is easily snuffed.
Until then, one decision or choice at a time.
Building a sobriety that I care deeply about cannot be just from fear of consequences...building a sobriety/sober life seems more like building a fire with wet wood. Takes longer than you think and is easily snuffed.
Until then, one decision or choice at a time.
I didn't quit because of consequences. I really had none. All my family has died, so I wasn't harming anyone. I live alone, I have enough money, no run-ins with police or neighbors. I'm not working so my work wasn't affected. I had no health consequences to speak of other than the terrifying 3AM wakeups with the racing heart and fear. Oh, and the occasional hangover that lasted two days. That was enough for me. I was just done. That fear and anxiety was too much.
All of that is gone now. I feel like I did when I was 12 years old, aware of my place in the world and at peace.
All of that is gone now. I feel like I did when I was 12 years old, aware of my place in the world and at peace.
But once you find the dry kindling that's buried under the wet leaves and pine needles, you can build and carefully tend a tiny fire that will slowly, slowly grow in strength and the ability to dry even the wet wood. I believe the kindling is there - you just need to find it - or recognize the enormous power you already have.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Bix, I found it IMPOSSIBLE to access motivation BEFORE I built a new life.
I had to build a new life while kicking and screaming, gritting my teeth, and giving society the double birds (metaphorically :-)).
In other words, you can't wait until you WANT to create a new life....you just have to grit your teeth and do it.
I'm the total opposite of what I'm typing here.....in all other areas of my life, it goes like this:
1. I get motivated, psyched up, etc.
2. I feel compelled to move forward to complete a task, project, change, goal
No so with sobriety!!
We have to make ourselves create a new life, then the desire will follow.
I had to build a new life while kicking and screaming, gritting my teeth, and giving society the double birds (metaphorically :-)).
In other words, you can't wait until you WANT to create a new life....you just have to grit your teeth and do it.
I'm the total opposite of what I'm typing here.....in all other areas of my life, it goes like this:
1. I get motivated, psyched up, etc.
2. I feel compelled to move forward to complete a task, project, change, goal
No so with sobriety!!
We have to make ourselves create a new life, then the desire will follow.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
SportsFan, this resonates with me. I can't build while drinking, obviously. New life completely predicated on being sober. I have to get unstuck and make deeper changes, "hair on fire" as it were--or really, nothing will change at all.
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I am glad you're back, Bix!
You really can do this.
My moment of epiphany came one day when I realized that I was in this self-created rut ... going round and round, never getting where I truly wanted to go. I was stalled. Caught in a trap.
How I got there really didn't matter. The mechanics and science of addiction, though intriguing, really didn't matter.
What I had to do was simple: Not pick up another drink, ever.
I needed to give myself a chance at life again. I was cheating myself in many ways. Wasn't allowing myself to grow.
There are many ways to write about the experience. There are many perspectives.
The bottom line was a decision to put down the alcohol, and not pick it up again, under any circumstance. Repeated, again and again.
Then after a while, it became much easier. Today I won't dare to pick it up and risk falling into that rut of inertia.
I never thought I'd enjoy life without a buzz, but there's so much depth to life now. I wouldn't want to go back. And so now, the choice is made for me.
If you are ready for a real change, and are ready to leave the artificial buzz behind, you will be richly rewarded. I believe that! It's happened for me.
You really can do this.
My moment of epiphany came one day when I realized that I was in this self-created rut ... going round and round, never getting where I truly wanted to go. I was stalled. Caught in a trap.
How I got there really didn't matter. The mechanics and science of addiction, though intriguing, really didn't matter.
What I had to do was simple: Not pick up another drink, ever.
I needed to give myself a chance at life again. I was cheating myself in many ways. Wasn't allowing myself to grow.
There are many ways to write about the experience. There are many perspectives.
The bottom line was a decision to put down the alcohol, and not pick it up again, under any circumstance. Repeated, again and again.
Then after a while, it became much easier. Today I won't dare to pick it up and risk falling into that rut of inertia.
I never thought I'd enjoy life without a buzz, but there's so much depth to life now. I wouldn't want to go back. And so now, the choice is made for me.
If you are ready for a real change, and are ready to leave the artificial buzz behind, you will be richly rewarded. I believe that! It's happened for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Looking at what you said above...maybe try making deeper changes first (trying new goals, going to meetings if you havent, etc.) And getting unstuck will follow.
I keep telling myself this as well! Thank you for helping me think this through for myself, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Just a couple days free again, and my thinking is already clearing.
Once I pick up, quitting seems absurd. Once I'm free, picking up seems absurd.
I can do this, and I know it because of you all. Deepest appreciation.
Once I pick up, quitting seems absurd. Once I'm free, picking up seems absurd.
I can do this, and I know it because of you all. Deepest appreciation.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
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You know, and it's not just liver failure. It's pancreatic failure, heart attack, bone damage, brain damage, cancer - caused by alcohol.
The thing about alcohol is it doesn't send you a warning card saying, "The next drunk you have will result in bodily damage that is not recoverable." Bam. Just like that - it's over. No warning, for some people it could be a slip-and-fall. Maybe a trip and a tumble down some steps, maybe a drunken slip in the bathroom or into a table corner in your living room resulting in a cracked skull - maybe a seizure that cuts off your airway, maybe drowning in your own vomit. Maybe you get so drunk that your respirations slow down and you just. . stop. . breathing.
Maybe it's a car wreck that gets you. Or maybe worse, you get in a wreck and kill a whole family and then get to live with that for the rest of your life - maybe from a jail cell.
Maybe you fall out of bed and hit your head on a heater.
Maybe you get lucky after that liver failure, and get a new liver and then get liver cancer in that new one. Oh, but you can't get a new liver unless you've stopped drinking for a year. My bad.
All of these ways - I've either read about on this site, or heard in an AA meeting.
It's not a joke. It's fatal. Cheers.
The thing about alcohol is it doesn't send you a warning card saying, "The next drunk you have will result in bodily damage that is not recoverable." Bam. Just like that - it's over. No warning, for some people it could be a slip-and-fall. Maybe a trip and a tumble down some steps, maybe a drunken slip in the bathroom or into a table corner in your living room resulting in a cracked skull - maybe a seizure that cuts off your airway, maybe drowning in your own vomit. Maybe you get so drunk that your respirations slow down and you just. . stop. . breathing.
Maybe it's a car wreck that gets you. Or maybe worse, you get in a wreck and kill a whole family and then get to live with that for the rest of your life - maybe from a jail cell.
Maybe you fall out of bed and hit your head on a heater.
Maybe you get lucky after that liver failure, and get a new liver and then get liver cancer in that new one. Oh, but you can't get a new liver unless you've stopped drinking for a year. My bad.
All of these ways - I've either read about on this site, or heard in an AA meeting.
It's not a joke. It's fatal. Cheers.
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