Anyone have dysfunctional parents?
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Location: Ireland
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My childhood was something I really needed to try and understand, deal with and move on from, people certainly have worse childhood stories than mine but at every corner as I became a young adult and beyond it was there, always looking back at me, and in many ways something I could always blame, but I needed to move beyond that to have any chance of recovery.
Alcohol was something I always describe as being a part of my life before I even knew what alcohol was, I used to fall asleep with my parents arguing and shouting at each other at the age of 4, by the age of 12 my dad had a restraining order against him for violence, by 18 my parents were divorced, and by my mid 20s I was up to my eyes in my own alcoholism.
For me dysfunctional was not having a "normal", but again that was my own interpretation of what I thought everyone else grew up with, a family unit around them, a mum, a dad, a family structure at Xmas, celebrations, birthdays, I can only imagine a sense of pride of where you've come from, being a part of something, rather than being surrounded by something that fell a apart.
For me understanding we have our own path was important, we can choose our own destiny, I found some peace in that, and if you're asking did my parents become less dysfunctional as time went on, not really, they simply drifted a part as more and more years passed since they divorced, but rather than trying to fix that, we can only do what we can do.
We can't change the past but we can definitely rewrite the future . . .
Alcohol was something I always describe as being a part of my life before I even knew what alcohol was, I used to fall asleep with my parents arguing and shouting at each other at the age of 4, by the age of 12 my dad had a restraining order against him for violence, by 18 my parents were divorced, and by my mid 20s I was up to my eyes in my own alcoholism.
For me dysfunctional was not having a "normal", but again that was my own interpretation of what I thought everyone else grew up with, a family unit around them, a mum, a dad, a family structure at Xmas, celebrations, birthdays, I can only imagine a sense of pride of where you've come from, being a part of something, rather than being surrounded by something that fell a apart.
For me understanding we have our own path was important, we can choose our own destiny, I found some peace in that, and if you're asking did my parents become less dysfunctional as time went on, not really, they simply drifted a part as more and more years passed since they divorced, but rather than trying to fix that, we can only do what we can do.
We can't change the past but we can definitely rewrite the future . . .
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Purpleknight 
My childhood was something I really needed to try and understand, deal with and move on from, people certainly have worse childhood stories than mine but at every corner as I became a young adult and beyond it was there, always looking back at me, and in many ways something I could always blame, but I needed to move beyond that to have any chance of recovery.
Alcohol was something I always describe as being a part of my life before I even knew what alcohol was, I used to fall asleep with my parents arguing and shouting at each other at the age of 4, by the age of 12 my dad had a restraining order against him for violence, by 18 my parents were divorced, and by my mid 20s I was up to my eyes in my own alcoholism.
For me dysfunctional was not having a "normal", but again that was my own interpretation of what I thought everyone else grew up with, a family unit around them, a mum, a dad, a family structure at Xmas, celebrations, birthdays, I can only imagine a sense of pride of where you've come from, being a part of something, rather than being surrounded by something that fell a apart.
For me understanding we have our own path was important, we can choose our own destiny, I found some peace in that, and if you're asking did my parents become less dysfunctional as time went on, not really, they simply drifted a part as more and more years passed since they divorced, but rather than trying to fix that, we can only do what we can do.
We can't change the past but we can definitely rewrite the future . . .
Alcohol was something I always describe as being a part of my life before I even knew what alcohol was, I used to fall asleep with my parents arguing and shouting at each other at the age of 4, by the age of 12 my dad had a restraining order against him for violence, by 18 my parents were divorced, and by my mid 20s I was up to my eyes in my own alcoholism.
For me dysfunctional was not having a "normal", but again that was my own interpretation of what I thought everyone else grew up with, a family unit around them, a mum, a dad, a family structure at Xmas, celebrations, birthdays, I can only imagine a sense of pride of where you've come from, being a part of something, rather than being surrounded by something that fell a apart.
For me understanding we have our own path was important, we can choose our own destiny, I found some peace in that, and if you're asking did my parents become less dysfunctional as time went on, not really, they simply drifted a part as more and more years passed since they divorced, but rather than trying to fix that, we can only do what we can do.
We can't change the past but we can definitely rewrite the future . . .
((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))
I'm sorry for your childhood experience. ...and the lack of a "normal" to return to. That's what parents are supposed to create for a child.
....and I LOVE what you said about "we can only do what we can do" and we can "rewrite the future." Here's to healing from our past and creating a new life!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Dysfunctional parents, Sportsfan.....
Yes, I am a member of the club.
My family wasn't "perfect" outside - I lost my father when I was 4, and our family was profoundly poor, and everyone kind of pitied us - but we were "perfectly four-square and decent" with my mother wearing her Martyr title like a badge of honor.
But what was happening inside - I bet many people would only see it in movies and think "oh, it just a fiction. This doesn't happen in reality".
Multiple layers of hypocrisy and total denial; emotional isolation and ...list is endless.
It's a too long story to go on details here but finally when veils went down and subconscious pushed suppressed memories to the surface - I entered another stage of hell - stage of epicene fury and excruciating pain.
I remember when I got to the stage of depression when I felt constantly suicidal and they sent me to psychiatrist for evaluation I told him "I often feel like breaking my knee caps so the physical pain would distract emotional torture. At least I know how to deal with physical pain - doesn't matter how bad it is".
It's Xmas-NY time...
To wrap up my post -here's "Xmas" story that happened somewhat at the dawn of my relationships with my mother. I mean "tangible" relationships. Emotionally we were wide apart by the time. And unfortunately she still hold pretty spacy real estate in my mind. But I am on my right way to eviction.
When I was 25 she was diagnosed with cancer which pretty soon proved to be terminal.
Again too long story to embrace it all but she felt that the disease entitled her to everything. She called me names -"monster" and the like. If I disagreed - " I was trying to kill a sick person". You got the picture.
On the NY eve which turned out to be the last one for her on this Earth I desperately wanted to do something to make her feel better. So I wanted to put Xmas tree. I asked her - she was reluctant. I didn't get it. Asked again. And then the hell broke loose. ***********************(put your imagination here instead of dots) - "Last Year you put Xmas tree and I was hospitalized! You want me to feel worse again".
Ok. My fault. No doubt about.
She died February 4 that year. I never put Xmas tree though...
I believe the only way for my "absolution" would be if I dig the grave beside hers and suffocated there just to show my loyalty. Though, honestly I doubt that even this would be enough.
Sense of guilt and self-loathing I dragged through life almost killed me. I am glad I sobered up - clarity that came with it saved both my life and my sanity. And I have strong belief now that I will get my real life back soon too.
Take care of yourself, friends.
Yes, I am a member of the club.
My family wasn't "perfect" outside - I lost my father when I was 4, and our family was profoundly poor, and everyone kind of pitied us - but we were "perfectly four-square and decent" with my mother wearing her Martyr title like a badge of honor.
But what was happening inside - I bet many people would only see it in movies and think "oh, it just a fiction. This doesn't happen in reality".
Multiple layers of hypocrisy and total denial; emotional isolation and ...list is endless.
It's a too long story to go on details here but finally when veils went down and subconscious pushed suppressed memories to the surface - I entered another stage of hell - stage of epicene fury and excruciating pain.
I remember when I got to the stage of depression when I felt constantly suicidal and they sent me to psychiatrist for evaluation I told him "I often feel like breaking my knee caps so the physical pain would distract emotional torture. At least I know how to deal with physical pain - doesn't matter how bad it is".
It's Xmas-NY time...
To wrap up my post -here's "Xmas" story that happened somewhat at the dawn of my relationships with my mother. I mean "tangible" relationships. Emotionally we were wide apart by the time. And unfortunately she still hold pretty spacy real estate in my mind. But I am on my right way to eviction.
When I was 25 she was diagnosed with cancer which pretty soon proved to be terminal.
Again too long story to embrace it all but she felt that the disease entitled her to everything. She called me names -"monster" and the like. If I disagreed - " I was trying to kill a sick person". You got the picture.
On the NY eve which turned out to be the last one for her on this Earth I desperately wanted to do something to make her feel better. So I wanted to put Xmas tree. I asked her - she was reluctant. I didn't get it. Asked again. And then the hell broke loose. ***********************(put your imagination here instead of dots) - "Last Year you put Xmas tree and I was hospitalized! You want me to feel worse again".
Ok. My fault. No doubt about.
She died February 4 that year. I never put Xmas tree though...
I believe the only way for my "absolution" would be if I dig the grave beside hers and suffocated there just to show my loyalty. Though, honestly I doubt that even this would be enough.
Sense of guilt and self-loathing I dragged through life almost killed me. I am glad I sobered up - clarity that came with it saved both my life and my sanity. And I have strong belief now that I will get my real life back soon too.
Take care of yourself, friends.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
Anyone have dysfunctional parents?
Makes me wonder if the question would have been.
Who does not have dysfunctional parents.
How many would have chimed in ?
Since the (fall) it's been very hard to find a perfect one.
MM
The Fall of Man explains why sin and misery exist in the world today.
Every act of violence, every illness, every tragedy that happens can be traced back to that fateful encounter between the first human beings and Satan.
Scripture Reference:
Genesis 3; Romans 5:12-21; 1 Corinthians 15:21-22, 45-47; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:13-14.
Makes me wonder if the question would have been.
Who does not have dysfunctional parents.
How many would have chimed in ?
Since the (fall) it's been very hard to find a perfect one.
MM
The Fall of Man explains why sin and misery exist in the world today.
Every act of violence, every illness, every tragedy that happens can be traced back to that fateful encounter between the first human beings and Satan.
Scripture Reference:
Genesis 3; Romans 5:12-21; 1 Corinthians 15:21-22, 45-47; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:13-14.
It's just plain disrespectful to people who suffer from emotional traumas that cripple their lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Dysfunctional parents, Sportsfan.....
Yes, I am a member of the club.
My family wasn't "perfect" outside - I lost my father when I was 4, and our family was profoundly poor, and everyone kind of pitied us - but we were "perfectly four-square and decent" with my mother wearing her Martyr title like a badge of honor.
But what was happening inside - I bet many people would only see it in movies and think "oh, it just a fiction. This doesn't happen in reality".
Multiple layers of hypocrisy and total denial; emotional isolation and ...list is endless.
It's a too long story to go on details here but finally when veils went down and subconscious pushed suppressed memories to the surface - I entered another stage of hell - stage of epicene fury and excruciating pain.
I remember when I got to the stage of depression when I felt constantly suicidal and they sent me to psychiatrist for evaluation I told him "I often feel like breaking my knee caps so the physical pain would distract emotional torture. At least I know how to deal with physical pain - doesn't matter how bad it is".
It's Xmas-NY time...
To wrap up my post -here's "Xmas" story that happened somewhat at the dawn of my relationships with my mother. I mean "tangible" relationships. Emotionally we were wide apart by the time. And unfortunately she still hold pretty spacy real estate in my mind. But I am on my right way to eviction.
When I was 25 she was diagnosed with cancer which pretty soon proved to be terminal.
Again too long story to embrace it all but she felt that the disease entitled her to everything. She called me names -"monster" and the like. If I disagreed - " I was trying to kill a sick person". You got the picture.
On the NY eve which turned out to be the last one for her on this Earth I desperately wanted to do something to make her feel better. So I wanted to put Xmas tree. I asked her - she was reluctant. I didn't get it. Asked again. And then the hell broke loose. ***********************(put your imagination here instead of dots) - "Last Year you put Xmas tree and I was hospitalized! You want me to feel worse again".
Ok. My fault. No doubt about.
She died February 4 that year. I never put Xmas tree though...
I believe the only way for my "absolution" would be if I dig the grave beside hers and suffocated there just to show my loyalty. Though, honestly I doubt that even this would be enough.
Sense of guilt and self-loathing I dragged through life almost killed me. I am glad I sobered up - clarity that came with it saved both my life and my sanity. And I have strong belief now that I will get my real life back soon too.
Take care of yourself, friends.
Yes, I am a member of the club.
My family wasn't "perfect" outside - I lost my father when I was 4, and our family was profoundly poor, and everyone kind of pitied us - but we were "perfectly four-square and decent" with my mother wearing her Martyr title like a badge of honor.
But what was happening inside - I bet many people would only see it in movies and think "oh, it just a fiction. This doesn't happen in reality".
Multiple layers of hypocrisy and total denial; emotional isolation and ...list is endless.
It's a too long story to go on details here but finally when veils went down and subconscious pushed suppressed memories to the surface - I entered another stage of hell - stage of epicene fury and excruciating pain.
I remember when I got to the stage of depression when I felt constantly suicidal and they sent me to psychiatrist for evaluation I told him "I often feel like breaking my knee caps so the physical pain would distract emotional torture. At least I know how to deal with physical pain - doesn't matter how bad it is".
It's Xmas-NY time...
To wrap up my post -here's "Xmas" story that happened somewhat at the dawn of my relationships with my mother. I mean "tangible" relationships. Emotionally we were wide apart by the time. And unfortunately she still hold pretty spacy real estate in my mind. But I am on my right way to eviction.
When I was 25 she was diagnosed with cancer which pretty soon proved to be terminal.
Again too long story to embrace it all but she felt that the disease entitled her to everything. She called me names -"monster" and the like. If I disagreed - " I was trying to kill a sick person". You got the picture.
On the NY eve which turned out to be the last one for her on this Earth I desperately wanted to do something to make her feel better. So I wanted to put Xmas tree. I asked her - she was reluctant. I didn't get it. Asked again. And then the hell broke loose. ***********************(put your imagination here instead of dots) - "Last Year you put Xmas tree and I was hospitalized! You want me to feel worse again".
Ok. My fault. No doubt about.
She died February 4 that year. I never put Xmas tree though...
I believe the only way for my "absolution" would be if I dig the grave beside hers and suffocated there just to show my loyalty. Though, honestly I doubt that even this would be enough.
Sense of guilt and self-loathing I dragged through life almost killed me. I am glad I sobered up - clarity that came with it saved both my life and my sanity. And I have strong belief now that I will get my real life back soon too.
Take care of yourself, friends.
(((((MB)))))))
My broken heart hurts for you. No child should face this treatment.
Have you gotten to read the book Toxic parents by Susan Forward? Very validating and helps us not feel so alone.
I love this:
"Sense of guilt and self-loathing I dragged through life almost killed me. I am glad I sobered up - clarity that came with it saved both my life and my sanity. And I have strong belief now that I will get my real life back soon too."
We will get our real life "do-over" soon.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 469
I never understood anything growing up. My dad was a drinker. He has some personality disorder undiagnosed. To date he continues to manipulate and control. I'm not allowed to have an opinion. My beliefs are a personal attack on him. Bible verses spewed with beer breath. Eggshells everywhere. And I was "stupid" and "evil." Then he tries to hug me like we have this bond and it's just weird. Dysfunctional? That's an understatement.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by secretchord
I never understood anything growing up. My dad was a drinker. He has some personality disorder undiagnosed. To date he continues to manipulate and control. I'm not allowed to have an opinion. My beliefs are a personal attack on him. Bible verses spewed with beer breath. Eggshells everywhere. And I was "stupid" and "evil." Then he tries to hug me like we have this bond and it's just weird. Dysfunctional? That's an understatement.
You are right....Dysfunctional is an understatement.
I found the book Toxic parents by Susan Forward to be very healing.
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