Anyone have dysfunctional parents?
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
Most definitely easier said than done - and for me it will always be a work in progress, I suppose that's why people refer to some of the steps as 'Maintenance steps'. They are ongoing - and I know that for me it's vital to maintain my sobriety, or my old ways of thinking will come back. Even if I stay sober - I don't want to be in that much pain again, so I will keep praying and meditating; working the steps; and going to meetings. It's hardly a hardship when the rewards are so evident to me.
There are still occasional bad days - and then I have to remember what works (handing it over and asking for help; step 4ing the issue if it's very persistent; speaking to my AA sponsor of AA sister or someone else I trust and who understands me; and being willing to move past my feelings.
This is embarrassing to admit, but once I'm in anger or depression, I can get kind of self-pity sickness, and need to be quite firm with myself and not listen to any of my own bulls**t if I'm starting to wallow in it and get internally melodramatic *blush*).
Anyway - the way I see it is, I am not 'recovered'. I am in a state of 'recovery'. Every day is a reprise given to me by God and AA, and it'll continue to work, if I continue to work it.
PS I find that Big Book Study and Step meetings really helpful - that's when I get to hear others sharing specifically on their experiences with this kind of stuff. I do like a good general share meeting - but I'd say that it's these more focussed ones that have helped me get more from the Big Book and my step work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
I appreciate the post. I respectfully would like to share back my thoughts. Steps 10, 11 and 12 are not maintenance steps. They are growth steps. I once heard a PP AA speaker explain that maintenance would be similar to a body of water just standing stagnant. It's not healthy. 10, 11, and 12 are for us to continue to grow spiritually and be spiritually fit. I do agree with everything else you wrote. I know I must continuously work 10, 11, and 12 every day to avoid having my old thinking creep back in, and to avoid having to repeat my Step 4 inventory from age 0-present. Working the steps every 24 hours is my new design for living.
I am still struggling with taking the action to do this. My brain gets stuck. Once stuck it stays stuck. Difficult to explain.
Yes same here. That is my problem with not being able to work 10, 11, and 12. I wish I could properly explain this to my sponsor, but it doesn't seem to be coming out in an understandable way for her to get. I get stuck in not feeling worthy of recovery due to the incessant guilt my emotionally abusive mother threw onto me. It's hard to explain to one who didn't experience it.
Well we can choose to disagree on part of this. My big book has the word "recovered" on the prefix, and it has the word "recovered" about 5 or so times elsewhere. Not cured. I'll never be cured. But one day soon I hope I will be recovered, and I will stay recovered as long as I live in 10, 11, and 12. That is what I was taught and seen in others.
Yes I agree. I guess we go to different types of BB meetings though. Hey whatever works. I also get more out of big book and step meetings than the general share meetings.
I am still struggling with taking the action to do this. My brain gets stuck. Once stuck it stays stuck. Difficult to explain.
Yes same here. That is my problem with not being able to work 10, 11, and 12. I wish I could properly explain this to my sponsor, but it doesn't seem to be coming out in an understandable way for her to get. I get stuck in not feeling worthy of recovery due to the incessant guilt my emotionally abusive mother threw onto me. It's hard to explain to one who didn't experience it.
Well we can choose to disagree on part of this. My big book has the word "recovered" on the prefix, and it has the word "recovered" about 5 or so times elsewhere. Not cured. I'll never be cured. But one day soon I hope I will be recovered, and I will stay recovered as long as I live in 10, 11, and 12. That is what I was taught and seen in others.
Yes I agree. I guess we go to different types of BB meetings though. Hey whatever works. I also get more out of big book and step meetings than the general share meetings.
And yes, definitely re the growth rather than stagnate (although I could cope much better stagnating how I am now than how I was stagnating for all those years before
).I hope you manage to work past the pain and guilt-issues from your experiences with you mother.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Beccybean
All good points - thank-you
And yes, definitely re the growth rather than stagnate (although I could cope much better stagnating how I am now than how I was stagnating for all those years before ).
And yes, definitely re the growth rather than stagnate (although I could cope much better stagnating how I am now than how I was stagnating for all those years before
).
I hope you manage to work past the pain and guilt-issues from your experiences with you mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Live in Peace and Beccybean
Live in Peace and Beccybean, I appreciate your dialogue back and forth.....just reading the discussion is helping me.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
Live in Peace and Beccybean, I appreciate your dialogue back and forth.....just reading the discussion is helping me.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Read more about understanding the inner child as both part of yourself BUT a part that you take care of. You sort of "parent" the inner child. See, we with traumatic childhoods were not parented....we never got the sense of security, warmth, nurturing, care-taking. As adults we have an oppotrinity to heal the past by caring for the inner child that can still recover....how do we do that?
We treat ourselves like our parents SHOULD have treated us.
Ok if you don't think I'm crazy yet....let me give a weird little example: I cut my.finger yesterday. The jaded, pissed off, OLD me would say "it's nothing, I don't need a bandaid" and not clean it or put on a bandaid. The NEW me who is in recovery/healing thinks about that little girl in the pictures and I do what I would do for her and I imagine these phrases:
"You are worth taking the time to care for."
"You deserve for your finger not to hurt and to stay clean."
"We will get you a bandaid."
I don't say aloud....just imagine quickly what would I do for myself as a child? You'll get to the point you don't think long you just think "I feel hungry"...."I should take care of that child."
For someone who hasn't been abused this makes no sense. They're not used to debating whether or not they deserve to eat....should they allow themselves a bandaid?....this sounds foreign. But to some of us, it changes our whole way of seeing ourselves....through NEW, healthy eyes.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
Live in Peace and Beccybean, I appreciate your dialogue back and forth.....just reading the discussion is helping me.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
I love what you wrote so much.
I'm going to try again to express the anger in my therapist's office, as it felt safe to do it there. But there's a part of me that is so scared to express any anger because it's been buried for so long, I fear I'll lose my mind if I let any of it out, you know?
I love your ideas, though.
I'm almost scared to do the suggestion with the photographs from childhood, but I think it may work. I might ask my therapist if I could do that in his office. He brought up my inner child one time, but really it was hard to talk to "her" and feel the pain.
I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis. I hope you are on the road to remission. I completely get why you reacted the way you did to the diagnosis.
I did have a sense of awesome freedom when I was able to let some of the anger out in therapy, and it was a different kind of anger than my old behavior of "venting". But I still was guarded. I will try again next session. My therapist seems to feel I am on the right track and although my depression has been really bad since then, (the freedom feeling didn't last more than a day or so) my husband seems to feel really confident that I'm on the right track. I sure hope so.
By the way I emptied out my inbox, Sportsfan, so please try to PM me again. :-)
Thank you so much!
Edit: I just had another thought to add. I used to love exercising, as it was a way to get my feelings out sort of. Resistance training made me feel strong physically and mentally. I also loved kickboxing--that was a great way to get my anger out. Spinning was too. I wish I had the energy to get back into these things. I hadn't thought about this in a while, though--the connection.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
Live in Peace and Beccybean, I appreciate your dialogue back and forth.....just reading the discussion is helping me.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Beccybean, your posts on SR are some of my favs.
LiveInPeace, I think I have something you're MEANT to see. I just feel it. Because it just happened to me this week. I DID NOT believe my friend that it would help me. She said please just do it.
My advice to you and others who get numb: get the anger OUT.
Find a safe place and safe way to express your feelings and do so as intensely as possible, preferably wit someone. Intense meaning cry, sob, wail, YELL, curse, flip the finger, hit something (that will not hurt you or it....pillows for example), break stuff that's not valuable, write letters to your mom, read them ALOUD, burn them, etc.
I feared that this was violence but it is NOT. You're not hurting anyone....you're freeing the emotion from your physical body. What is happening when you go numb is your brain and body have practiced a learned response. It's automatic. And it's trapping your anger/emotion, which is preventing your peace.
Again I thought it was coo coo til I did this:
I started small by staring at some childhood photographs. Remembering how much my childhood was spent as a prisoner. Trying so hard to please. So confused, rejected, guilty, ALONE. All those smiling photographs of a lonely little child carrying the weight of the world.
I started to feel the beginning of tears. I, like you, get numb. (That's repression, repressing was a defense mechanism for our survival.) I almost got numb but instead I grit my teeth and stared at myself as a child. Anger-sadness-anger-sadness rapidly back and forth until finally
I burst into a sob. I wailed. Then I cried in the fetal position on the bed.
To give you an idea of how powerful Inner Child work is for abuse....I received a cancer diagnosis years ago and could barely cry due to repression.
But the childhood pictures and allowing myself the PERMISSION to let the anger out of me, very loudly. I can't explain the peace that happened a day later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
Wow. Finally someone else gets what it's like!! My therapist did tell me to try to scream in the car. I screamed in the car on the way home from an AA meeting. It was a scary scream, plus it made my ears ring which reminded me of when my mother screamed at me, so I'm not sure that was a good thing. I'm not sure I felt better after screaming. Honestly I was concerned other drivers saw me or something. I don't want to scream at home because it'll scare my pets.
I love what you wrote so much.
I'm going to try again to express the anger in my therapist's office, as it felt safe to do it there. But there's a part of me that is so scared to express any anger because it's been buried for so long, I fear I'll lose my mind if I let any of it out, you know?
I love your ideas, though.
I'm almost scared to do the suggestion with the photographs from childhood, but I think it may work. I might ask my therapist if I could do that in his office. He brought up my inner child one time, but really it was hard to talk to "her" and feel the pain.
I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis. I hope you are on the road to remission. I completely get why you reacted the way you did to the diagnosis.
I did have a sense of awesome freedom when I was able to let some of the anger out in therapy, and it was a different kind of anger than my old behavior of "venting". But I still was guarded. I will try again next session. My therapist seems to feel I am on the right track and although my depression has been really bad since then, (the freedom feeling didn't last more than a day or so) my husband seems to feel really confident that I'm on the right track. I sure hope so.
By the way I emptied out my inbox, Sportsfan, so please try to PM me again. :-)
Thank you so much!
Edit: I just had another thought to add. I used to love exercising, as it was a way to get my feelings out sort of. Resistance training made me feel strong physically and mentally. I also loved kickboxing--that was a great way to get my anger out. Spinning was too. I wish I had the energy to get back into these things. I hadn't thought about this in a while, though--the connection.
I love what you wrote so much.
I'm going to try again to express the anger in my therapist's office, as it felt safe to do it there. But there's a part of me that is so scared to express any anger because it's been buried for so long, I fear I'll lose my mind if I let any of it out, you know?
I love your ideas, though.
I'm almost scared to do the suggestion with the photographs from childhood, but I think it may work. I might ask my therapist if I could do that in his office. He brought up my inner child one time, but really it was hard to talk to "her" and feel the pain.
I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis. I hope you are on the road to remission. I completely get why you reacted the way you did to the diagnosis.
I did have a sense of awesome freedom when I was able to let some of the anger out in therapy, and it was a different kind of anger than my old behavior of "venting". But I still was guarded. I will try again next session. My therapist seems to feel I am on the right track and although my depression has been really bad since then, (the freedom feeling didn't last more than a day or so) my husband seems to feel really confident that I'm on the right track. I sure hope so.
By the way I emptied out my inbox, Sportsfan, so please try to PM me again. :-)
Thank you so much!
Edit: I just had another thought to add. I used to love exercising, as it was a way to get my feelings out sort of. Resistance training made me feel strong physically and mentally. I also loved kickboxing--that was a great way to get my anger out. Spinning was too. I wish I had the energy to get back into these things. I hadn't thought about this in a while, though--the connection.
A few other thoughts:
--I couldn't have screamed in my car and gotten the same effect. I, too, would feel like I was being stared at in a fish bowl and ouch that would be loud. Maybe try screaming into a pillow. Or crying.....or simply SAYING ALOUD the things you've always wanted to say back to your mom. "You're so selfish!" "You wasted my childhood!" You USED ME when you were supposed to be my MOTHER!!" Imagine she is there. Point and yell at her.
--Again it sounds wild but when we apply logic, it makes so much sense. A medical doctor (who was especially unfeeling, verbally abusive and narcissistic, by the way!)once told me:
Emotions are energy that MUST EXIT the body or they will find an area of the body to attack and create disease. Think of it as 'dis-ease.'
I'll never forget that a-hole doctor because although he was mean, that phrase changed my life.
--I hold negative emotions in my stomach and back. Ive had back ytouble since middleschool and stomach problems since college. Im gluten intolerant and have a sensitive stomach in general. The first place that reacts is my stomach. ....a faint twinge will happen when I believe I'm being mistreated as I was as a child. My therapist helped me identify this physical response by having me "watch for where you FEEL the emotion in your body." Sometimes my body feels it when my mind is repressing it so it hasn't occurred to my consciousness yet.....as the doctor said!!!!!.....the mind repressed the emotion but it WILL go somewhere in the body!!! I've started letting it OUT instead of holding it in.....it takes time and practice and is still new to me, too, LiveInPeace!
--about your pets....I've got two sweet doggies....one is very sensitive to my emotions. When I sobbed she left the room, but afterwards I pet her, told her it was okay, and she came right back into bed with me. Yes I sleep with my two little dogs...maybe that's weird. But dogs are the only "beings" who have never let me down and loved me unconditionally. So they get a lot of pampering from me!! I encourage you to let your pets outside (if possible) or have a friend keep them during your scream/cry session. What a great thing to do for yourself! And your pets will sense your peace after.
--the peace only lasted a few days for me too. BUT let's try to think of it this way. We didn't get this broken and hurt in one day.....we experienced YEARS worth of days with many moments of pain. I actually am grateful that we don't suddenly recover rapidly. The whiplash of a sudden new life would be overwhelming.
--I don't know if you're into God or not, but it's so cool to me how we are only given so much progress and so much of our past to process/heal in a certain amount of time. It just seems supernatural and amazing...."meant to be".....that as HARD as I freakin TRY I can't make myself heal quickly! Does that make any sense for you too?
--Striving- I've tried for YEARS to "intellectualize" myself to wholeness and healing. I thought if i read enough, learned enough, i could just solve me or figure out what was my barrier to happiness. My reading was always about figuring out the problem. I call it "striving" when what I need most is to just....LET....GO. My friend told me in words I could finally understand! Because I met my friend when I was ready.
--not to weird you out but I think our posts are "meant to be" for both of us (and other readers!). You sound like you are making good progress with a good therapist who is also dedicated to your healing. I've got a great therapist too. So grateful!
--here is an idea my friend suggested that worked for her. She wrote letters to herself as a child then read them to her therapist. I am going to try that. I imagine that will help me be vulnerable and cry. Damn it's hard to do that in front of someone when your parents couldn't tolerate it. We've been holding it in for so long.
--when I start to repress (and I'm able to catch myself....often the emotion is repressed before I realize it), I've started saying "do this for her." Meaning allow the feelings to happen for that little girl. It's so amazing how I can let myself have something if it's for the Inner Child. Kinda blowing my mind, but it's working!
--I, too, am scared s#it less of letting out my feelings. I'm terrified I'll do something crazy. You know what I realized though?
Just imagine what that trapped venom is doing to our INSIDES.
-- I share your fear of opening up. I have chew-my-teeth-until-they-shatter RAGE. I have such bloody agony and abandonment that is a stinky, dark chasm inside of me. Like a musty, dank dungeon. Im not a physically strong woman but in one easy motion I bent a THICK fork in two like it was made of soft butter. On the phone with my mom....I grit my teeth and the fork in my hands was, well, now its unusable. I've showed friends and they just stare at it, stunned.
I keep it as a reminder that I'd rather a fork be bent than my insides!
Again I hope this is helpful. It's helping me a lot, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Yes. I have forgiven my mother as she is bipolar. Didn't know what that was growing up, and neither did she. But when she was diagnosed after a suicide attempt after I was an adult, it suddenly all made sense. The memories and lasting effect are still there, though.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by redladyslipper
Lol my parents are NUTS. I love them but I'm being honest. And it's interesting that neither one of them drinks, ever, but my brother and I both became alcoholics.
It's not just the alcohol, it's the alcohol-ISM too unfortunately. Just because the alcohol isn't there doesn't mean the thinking, behaving, and reactions to life aren't still there. Many people have quit drinking but are still walking around with untreated alcoholism.
There are many people who grow up in alcoholic homes without a drop of alcohol being present.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
Yall are so awesome. You made my night, thank you! Sending lots of love and good vibes for all of you who are on the journey.
SportsFan!
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
LiveInPeace I'm so glad my experience helped you too. When I read your response I felt a connection to you and your story.....I believe there's a bond-like "understanding" between trauma survivors just as there is between addicts, cancer survivors, etc. And thank you for asking--I'm cancer free and considered in remission. Praise God.
A few other thoughts:
--I couldn't have screamed in my car and gotten the same effect. I, too, would feel like I was being stared at in a fish bowl and ouch that would be loud. Maybe try screaming into a pillow. Or crying.....or simply SAYING ALOUD the things you've always wanted to say back to your mom. "You're so selfish!" "You wasted my childhood!" You USED ME when you were supposed to be my MOTHER!!" Imagine she is there. Point and yell at her.
--I couldn't have screamed in my car and gotten the same effect. I, too, would feel like I was being stared at in a fish bowl and ouch that would be loud. Maybe try screaming into a pillow. Or crying.....or simply SAYING ALOUD the things you've always wanted to say back to your mom. "You're so selfish!" "You wasted my childhood!" You USED ME when you were supposed to be my MOTHER!!" Imagine she is there. Point and yell at her.
--Again it sounds wild but when we apply logic, it makes so much sense. A medical doctor (who was especially unfeeling, verbally abusive and narcissistic, by the way!)once told me:
Emotions are energy that MUST EXIT the body or they will find an area of the body to attack and create disease. Think of it as 'dis-ease.'
I'll never forget that a-hole doctor because although he was mean, that phrase changed my life.
Emotions are energy that MUST EXIT the body or they will find an area of the body to attack and create disease. Think of it as 'dis-ease.'
I'll never forget that a-hole doctor because although he was mean, that phrase changed my life.
--I hold negative emotions in my stomach and back. Ive had back ytouble since middleschool and stomach problems since college. Im gluten intolerant and have a sensitive stomach in general. The first place that reacts is my stomach. ....a faint twinge will happen when I believe I'm being mistreated as I was as a child. My therapist helped me identify this physical response by having me "watch for where you FEEL the emotion in your body." Sometimes my body feels it when my mind is repressing it so it hasn't occurred to my consciousness yet.....as the doctor said!!!!!.....the mind repressed the emotion but it WILL go somewhere in the body!!! I've started letting it OUT instead of holding it in.....it takes time and practice and is still new to me, too, LiveInPeace!
--about your pets....I've got two sweet doggies....one is very sensitive to my emotions. When I sobbed she left the room, but afterwards I pet her, told her it was okay, and she came right back into bed with me. Yes I sleep with my two little dogs...maybe that's weird. But dogs are the only "beings" who have never let me down and loved me unconditionally. So they get a lot of pampering from me!! I encourage you to let your pets outside (if possible) or have a friend keep them during your scream/cry session. What a great thing to do for yourself! And your pets will sense your peace after.
--the peace only lasted a few days for me too. BUT let's try to think of it this way. We didn't get this broken and hurt in one day.....we experienced YEARS worth of days with many moments of pain. I actually am grateful that we don't suddenly recover rapidly. The whiplash of a sudden new life would be overwhelming.
-I don't know if you're into God or not, but it's so cool to me how we are only given so much progress and so much of our past to process/heal in a certain amount of time. It just seems supernatural and amazing...."meant to be".....that as HARD as I freakin TRY I can't make myself heal quickly! Does that make any sense for you too?
It took me years to get into God but yes I am, on a spiritual level. I am one of those who believe that God + Steps out of the big book of alcoholics anonymous is key to recovery for any addiction. Learning about God differently than I learned about Him during my childhood has been so key for me. Yes I believe that I, or any human, cannot help me recover. Just my opinion and experience, though I respect everyone else's.
-Striving- I've tried for YEARS to "intellectualize" myself to wholeness and healing. I thought if i read enough, learned enough, i could just solve me or figure out what was my barrier to happiness. My reading was always about figuring out the problem. I call it "striving" when what I need most is to just....LET....GO. My friend told me in words I could finally understand! Because I met my friend when I was ready.
I didn't start making any progress in therapy or recovery until I stopped over thinking, over analyzing, and intellectualizing. I bought dozens of self-help books. I thought I was failure at this stuff, doing something wrong, not smart enough to get it. Once I figured out, yes, if I just let go and surrender, I'd be on the road to recovery and wholeness finally. I'm still struggling with surrendering entirely. My sponsor says I'm still using my will sometimes. Yes same here, I always tried to figure out my problems myself. I heard at a meeting once "A sick mind can't help a sick mind." That hit me hard and I got it.
--not to weird you out but I think our posts are "meant to be" for both of us (and other readers!). You sound like you are making good progress with a good therapist who is also dedicated to your healing. I've got a great therapist too. So grateful!
-here is an idea my friend suggested that worked for her. She wrote letters to herself as a child then read them to her therapist. I am going to try that. I imagine that will help me be vulnerable and cry. Damn it's hard to do that in front of someone when your parents couldn't tolerate it. We've been holding it in for so long.
That's a great idea. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this right now but I will mention it to my therapist. We really do need to get our feelings out.
--when I start to repress (and I'm able to catch myself....often the emotion is repressed before I realize it), I've started saying "do this for her." Meaning allow the feelings to happen for that little girl. It's so amazing how I can let myself have something if it's for the Inner Child. Kinda blowing my mind, but it's working!
--I, too, am scared s#it less of letting out my feelings. I'm terrified I'll do something crazy. You know what I realized though?
Just imagine what that trapped venom is doing to our INSIDES.
Just imagine what that trapped venom is doing to our INSIDES.
-- I share your fear of opening up. I have chew-my-teeth-until-they-shatter RAGE. I have such bloody agony and abandonment that is a stinky, dark chasm inside of me. Like a musty, dank dungeon. Im not a physically strong woman but in one easy motion I bent a THICK fork in two like it was made of soft butter. On the phone with my mom....I grit my teeth and the fork in my hands was, well, now its unusable. I've showed friends and they just stare at it, stunned.
Again I hope this is helpful. It's helping me a lot, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
SportsFan I agree! Your thread has been incredible. I need to digest what you wrote in your latest post and will reply soon. You and I have a lot in common! Thank you for the gift of this thread. What I love most about it, is that there's no ranting/venting/complaining. It's factual and solution based. What a healthy thread.
SportsFan!
SportsFan!This stuff is DEEP. Trying to be patient with myself day by day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
Alcohol doesn't have to be present in your lives for them to be alcoholics. They could've been alcoholics before you were born and went dry. They could've switched addictions to whatever--food, work, money, pain pills, etc.
It's not just the alcohol, it's the alcohol-ISM too unfortunately. Just because the alcohol isn't there doesn't mean the thinking, behaving, and reactions to life aren't still there. Many people have quit drinking but are still walking around with untreated alcoholism.
There are many people who grow up in alcoholic homes without a drop of alcohol being present.
It's not just the alcohol, it's the alcohol-ISM too unfortunately. Just because the alcohol isn't there doesn't mean the thinking, behaving, and reactions to life aren't still there. Many people have quit drinking but are still walking around with untreated alcoholism.
There are many people who grow up in alcoholic homes without a drop of alcohol being present.
This is new territory of understanding for me. I was a dry drunk for 1.5 years so I understand that term but need help understanding the non-drinking alcoholic.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
