SportsFan15

The moment I typed that I felt it's the dumbest question.....of course some of us did/do have dysfunctional parents.

But my sobriety has uncovered some things....removed the veil of denial....and I'm seeing the neglect from childhood. No excuse for my drinking....just curious if anyone can relate and if you want to share your experiences...

My family was picture perfect on the outside but repressed feelings constantly. So so many issues.

skipper123

yes, physical, emotional and verbal abuse . I am certain it played a big role in my drinking since I started at a young age and learned to use it as a coping mechanisim. From the outside we were a normal, upper middle class family. I know all to well that you never know what goes on in some homes.
Just now at almost 50 am I trying to live without masking issues at home with alcohol. Doing ok almost 5 months with 2 small slips.

wehav2day

Oh yeah, sports fan! In fact, I've been having flashbacks, more than the usual. I'm not going to clog your thread, but if you want there's a thread in this forum called "healing ain't always pretty"

SunriseSky

Yes. Emotionally and verbally abusive mother. Neglectful emotionally unavailable father. Led to teenage risk taking & substance abuse, low self-esteem, unhealthy romantic relationships and bad coping mechanisms, of which drinking was one. It take constant vigilance not to fall back into bad patterns.

Time2Rise

Nevermind.

countrygirl2014

Yeah...Now that I'm sober though, I feel kind of bad for my parents. They really had some issues. Still do! Life was so crazy for them.

Jennifer

SportsFan15

Great job on 5 months, skipper. That's awesome.

Sounds like we've all experienced the pain and the unhealthy coping. It's crazy how what I thought was helping was getting me further from healing.

SportsFan15

Thank you WH2D, I'll check out your thread. I've been having some flashbacks too. And I have intense dreams every single night.....so I can tell my brain is trying to process. If you've not yet, read some about PTSD post traumatic stress disorder....you may be experiencing it....I do...

wehav2day

Oh yeah I passed the PTSD test with flying colors, lol.

I read something once that said that a high percentage of alcoholics have experienced childhood trauma. I tend to think there's some truth to it.

The good news is, we can recover and heal ourselves.

Berrybean

Yep. The CoDa handbook helped me a lot.

BellJar7

Oooooh yeah! My parents divorced when I was 15- my dad walked out one day without a word and never came back. My mom got so depressed, she started hoarding (like what you see on TV), so I haven't set foot in her home (my childhood home) in half a dozen years. My mother took her depression out on me exclusively (over my siblings) after the divorce. I often thought she hated me.

My dad kept in touch until he met his new wife. I was in my 20's, and he met a new woman and she had younger daughters, and he just forgot me. We speak once or twice a year. In the meantime, he's everything to her girls that he wasn't for me. It's incredibly painful.

So, yeah.... definitely bad relationships.

Soberwolf

Yes

Melina

Yes, alcoholic mother. The good times were good and the bad times were painful.

RedManc7

Dysfunctional parents? Not sure - sometimed I think yes other times no....Split when I 17. My dad left for his tart, left my mam devastated, couldn't get out of bed or talk for weeks. He'd come home with lipstick on his collar on occasion as a kid but never thought he'd bin my old dear. Hard seeing your Mam like that. My old man begged her back when his floozy binned him off but to her credit, she told him & his offer financial stability but with a sham of a marriage to do one. Bravo Mam - respect.
They used to have some fierce rows, proper blockbusters, bad memories as a kid of seeing them fight, both covered in blood, me trying to split them up, hysterical, them going at it, proper violence. Fat lips, black eyes, my mam did his ribs in with a fire poker once. Lipstick on the collar once too often.
I was already going drinking every weekend and taking drugs on average every 3/4 weekends from 14/15 (weed, Acid, speed & E's) I used to go to watch United play & often go With him and his pals to games (without a shared love of Man United I don't know what me and my old ban would be like) so the split allowed me to meet him in pubs more often & given his treatment of my mum he'd lost moral high ground on booze (drugs were secret) so I'd get stuck into the drink on Saturday mornings before home games etc and Wednesday's before/after games - he'd just be glad i didn't give him a hard time and was "normal" So he'd let the addition of 2-3 more sessions a week to my boozing go.
My old dear always drank with me and my pals - we'd go back to my house to keep boozing from 16 onwards with both parents there when just my Mam it got messier she would smoke weed with us & when we were too hammered I'd get her to skin up for us her nimble fingers were class at twisting one (she was into being a hippie or whatever late 60s so experienced with weed, trips, amphetamine) good times although she ended up sleeping with 2 of my best pals. Not ideal. She loved boozing - would work on you if you not drinking till u broke and had one - when I hospitalised myself aged 23&26 through drink (ripped stomach lining off & suspected heart attack) and I off drink after she first person both times to get me drinking again, cheers!
Holiday aged 12 in Spain my old my old dear & ant doing insane flirting with Spanish waiters night after night. I'd given myself alcohol poisoning from super strong cocktails (in bed dying for 3-4 days) so had missed the build up but my first night recovered me my cousins playing pool Mam & auntie flirting like mad (dead embarrassing flirting - the waiters just messing about & getting them leathered) well my old man & uncle had been in bar leathered a bottle of whiskey & steamed in the Bar going mental my old man got retrained by armed guards (timeshare - classy) & the head fella had his gun out - my dad 6ft3 & loose I thought the guy gonna kill him for a second.
I was close to my old man until I a teenager he didn't like me when I thought for myself. He'd threaten to batter me loads threaten to kick my f***in head in just impose himself, he seemed like he wanted me to have a dance with him. No chance!!!!!
My mam was a nutter when drunk as a kid, she'd be shouting & screaming n flashing her breasts. And arse at these mad parties they had. I'd be about 6 or 7 trying to sleep it about 3am I'd come down have a hissy fit ask someone to get my Mam she'd just laugh at me tell me to F off and then when I got upset just pull a moony at me infront of everyone and just stand there. Incidents like that weren't unusual.
My old man and uncle I remember at one them parties they got another uncle of mine, Geordie, to do a competition. They all slaughtered already, they drank 3 triple whiskeys neat in succession - Geordie had a bad reaction and started shaking going into shock - he was in a bad way - I thought at that age I'd never drink.
My Mam and me would have mad rows - she would pull a knife on me and wave it about a big carving knight on a few occasions.
I split my head open on a rake after passing out from sniffing glue - bad cut - I got weighed in my old man for that. Deservedly so.

Sounds bad that looking back but I had a good childhood but I had a good childhood - my parents with hindsight should never have married - 23/22 I never understood why they did - I don't Know anything about how they met & fell in love (!!) the only info I have pre wedding was that my old man whitied on a spliff & my Mam made the old boy burn his photos of some Swedish bird he'd met on lads holidays. That's it. They fought like cat n dog. She's spend most nights drunk on phone to her sisters guzzling wine raucous Laughter my old man seething before finally it would all go off. Never saw them be affectionate once.
So when they met their current long term partners my dad was is happier than ever - new wife isn't a drinker and its a more sedate house - my Mam is with a wonderful guy who loves her and indulges her idiosyncrasies - I realised when she with him that id never seen my Mam happy before - like getting to know a different person almost - realised lots of stuff in childhood stemmed from unhappiness and frustration.

They both good patents most of time who did their best - just 5-10% of time was just loose (like time they thought hotel ripping them off after uncles weddin, I was about 8, after 15+ hours solid boozing they got in car at 3am, totally drunk my dad got my Mam to drive saying he too drunk he seemed more sober than her- she drove the 100+ miles home going onto motorway wrong way & later driving straight through motorway roadworks cones etc, swerving across motorway it was quiet but other cars passing were beeping etc, I sat head forward in between front seats trying to help her concentrate as old man asleep - most terrifying night ever - how we made it home is a miracle - we all woke up next morning they couldn't remember what happened why we at home - you've got to laugh I suppose - i remembered it they felt bad next day so they should it was insane what they did that night)
And when it was loose it was pretty full on.

Is that dysfunctional? Probably not - I'm just being a cry baby I guess - Ive not read any other posts yet knew it would impact on mine - I guess I wasn't sexually abused or beaten up I had food and clothes etc they caring and loving just humans trying to get by. God bless them X.

Be interested in hearing if that just standard stuff - I never blame childhood for who I am and flaws. Seems pointless I can't change it.

tufty13

Yep.

Father was a hopeless alcoholic. Died from cirrhosis of the liver when he was 65, I only ever saw him sober once, he was actually a nice man!

Mother dumped all her woes and all her troubles on me but then kept my father drunk, possibly through ignorance. She was always busy working and/ or having affairs with various men so my gran brought me up.

My gran was physically and emotionally abusive toward me, until one day when I was about 15 I hit her back. I left home shortly after that.

On one occasion, when I was in my 20's I managed to get my father into a detox unit, he did really well and came out in good shape after a couple of weeks.

Within two days my mother brought him home a four pack of "low alcohol" beer. That broke my heart. Perhaps she thought she was being kind.

As an adult I went to ACoA meetings for a long time and that helped me make sense of things. I've always been very different to everyone I grew up with and that's followed me into adulthood. I recommend reading The Complete ACoA Sourcebook, it really helped me to get a grip of certain things. It's all about growing up with dysfunctional parents.

I'm just annoyed it took me so long to acknowledge that I am now an alcoholic (very, very common) too.

Good luck to you.

Tooshabby

Ohhh......(((((((everyone)))))))) To have upbringings like that and come out such wonderful people. RedManc that is not a standard upbringing and you are not even *close* to being a cry baby. Such forgiveness and compassion. Amazing.

Belljar, I'm so sorry about your dad. I can imagine how incredibly painful that is. My own son's father had 3 more children with his second wife and has spent precious little time with ours. That must cut deep.

My upbringing was 'alcoholic' and a I had a very abusive mother. I learned a heck of a lot from it, and I love my mother. Her own upbringing was 10 times worse. This is what happens. It's good to be able to break the cycle.

RedManc7

Thanks for kind words. I feel guilty for even writing it. First time I've ever done it. Do people think that childhood explains lots of things? Whenever I've seen psychotherapists they all seem to want to hone in big time on childhood, that's usually when it's offmans for me - don't see the benefit of crying over spilt milk - i know writing this right now that looks a bit ridiculous just explaining how I react when they start asking about that.

Back to the psychotherapist drawing board it seems.

Tooshabby

I do think it can be useful to go over your relationships with your parents/family in therapy, but only to the extent that it helps you in your current life and with your relationships. For example, a person who was treated extremely badly by a parent may find it difficult to trust people - subconsciously (or consciously) expecting them to treat them badly too because that is what they 'learned' while growing up. But I agree, there is no point going over it just for the sake of it. There needs to be a purpose. Talking about significant relationships in our childhood can help us see patterns in our relationships that keep recurring and don't serve us well anymore. What was once a protection mechanism as a child can become unhealthy in our adult life.

It's interesting you feel guilty even writing about it. It shows a sensitive and kind nature, but may indicate you have some emotion there that you are not comfortable with expressing, e.g. a little bit of anger, or righteous indignation(?) It would certainly be very normal if that was the case - both the anger and attempts to suppress it. I'm just hypothesising here about possibilities, of course :-)

RedManc7

Tooshabby well done on breaking the cycle - it's amazing how often the same cycles are repeated through generations - don't know hold you are but I'm 40 the world my grandparents were brought up in was harsh.
Was it hard to recognise and break the cycle? Have you established thst childhood impacted on life and drugs etc.

I left home at 18, love my family but when I moved to Oz 10 years ago my family didn't play a big part in considerations. Seen my dad for one day in past 7 years. Feel terrible writing that.

Shows what an idiot I am - I left home and have followed my own path in life so always when the therapist asks about childhood I'm thinking that was ages ago what about the things I've done myself? My choices. The fatal error of this analysis is evident now - that your bloody childhood provides the context, backdrop, filters to all the things that come next. Is that right?

I have such blind spots about myself. So frustrating.
Then you start thinking that they'll be thinking why he have such blind spots- never ends.

Thanks everyone though, giving up the bloody Heroin is just the start eh?

Dee has there ever been anyone who just was addict etc just cos loved it or does everyone have underlying issues? Is it issues etc? It can't be cos not everyone with issues ends up alcoholic or addict?

RedManc7

I need to read that response properly tooshab thanks for that will ruminate on later.

Re guilt thing think just that catholic thing brought up with - Also writing like that without explaining what a handful I could be at times seemed like harsh. I Passed my exams and stuff but was a bit of a loose canon, hyperactive (ADHD In today's money) and always
doing stuff. I can't saunter. I have to much energy to saunter. So because I could be hard work I've always felt responsibility for things.
So i always think if they were asked they'd say it was my fault & to stop being such a whimp and then get bored to tears by my old man rattling on about his childhood. Move on and move up etc.

So even though I wanted to write I still feel a bit of a grass having done it.