Anyone have dysfunctional parents?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
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The Problem (extracted from the Laundry List:
THE PROBLEM
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us "co-victims", those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
This is a description, not an indictment.
Adapted from The Laundry List
THE PROBLEM
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us "co-victims", those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
This is a description, not an indictment.
Adapted from The Laundry List
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 924
Once in recovery:
The Flip Side of The Laundry List
We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority
figures.
We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.
We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant
upset.
We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.
We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
We are actors, not reactors.
The Flip Side of The Laundry List
We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authority
figures.
We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.
We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constant
upset.
We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think “rescuing” people we “pity” is an act of love.
We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
We are actors, not reactors.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 924
The last few post are taken from the ACoA hand book.
I used to attend ACoA meetings regularly until I found them to be a little too destructive and negative. There was nothing wrong with the process but the group was so small and was dominated by one or two personalities which I struggled to relate to.
I would however, recommend them to anyone brought up in a dysfunctional family.
I used to attend ACoA meetings regularly until I found them to be a little too destructive and negative. There was nothing wrong with the process but the group was so small and was dominated by one or two personalities which I struggled to relate to.
I would however, recommend them to anyone brought up in a dysfunctional family.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Thank you so much - the flip side - brilliant. And it's great to have them up for discussion :-)
"I do not feel guilty when I stand up for myself." That one has me rocking in my boots a bit; one I have been toying with of late and am finding to be quite pleasant (she says hesitatingly).
Yeah, it only takes one or two difficult personalities to 'turn things.' And occasionally standing up for yourself means simply removing yourself from a relationship - something I've learned to be able to do and not feel guilty about, but relieved and happier.
"I do not feel guilty when I stand up for myself." That one has me rocking in my boots a bit; one I have been toying with of late and am finding to be quite pleasant (she says hesitatingly).
Yeah, it only takes one or two difficult personalities to 'turn things.' And occasionally standing up for yourself means simply removing yourself from a relationship - something I've learned to be able to do and not feel guilty about, but relieved and happier.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by Tooshabby 
This has been a really fascinating thread - I've enjoyed reading all the posts :-)
Redmanc - thank you for suggesting my son might have developed addictions anyway. That was really sweet of you. There certainly are factors in his life that have nothing to do with me that could have been instrumental.
Redmanc - thank you for suggesting my son might have developed addictions anyway. That was really sweet of you. There certainly are factors in his life that have nothing to do with me that could have been instrumental.
That's how I'm thinking about my own parents. If they took a lie detector test asking if they were ideal parents, they'd say yes and pass with flying colours. I don't blame them. I'm raising my children differently, but there's no guarantee it would have made any difference in my case if my parents had done the same. And maybe my approach won't make a difference either. If there was one approach to raising children that was guaranteed to work for everyone, you'd think after all this time since humans came on the earth we'd all be raising our kids the same way by now.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
so true.. can look at myself and see these..
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
you know Kids and Beans sometimes when Iam done reading all of your posts and adding my 2 cents.. I really think we are the best support and answer for helping each other out. open our souls and hearts and pour it out. someone once said to admit you have a problem know where it came from and understand that you are not the source of the problem.. you are on the correct path to resolving it. maybe just maybe. prayers to all. and so much love a Mom...
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Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Hi OpenTuning - thanks. No, that was absolutely fine. It didn't add to it. It had already been very fresh on my mind. If anything, the posts have made me feel a lot better. I agree, beating yourself up is only destructive. He has agreed to get some counselling about it which is great.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Tooshabby
My upbringing was 'alcoholic' and a I had a very abusive mother.
I learned a heck of a lot from it, and I love my mother.
I just don't understand how a mother could be so filled with hate, anger, and rage toward an innocent child they claim to love. At times, I felt like my mother was going to kill me or that she wanted to. If anger is really fear, then how could an innocent small child evoke so much fear in a parent?
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Posts: 600
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
Im sorry for all of you who experienced dysfunctional parents.
Our parents are generally our first attachment figures, who help us feel safe, secure, and help us establish sense of self worth.
If you've not already, PLEASE read Toxic Parents. Beware it will bring up emotions for you. But it's helped me start healing in order to put the past to rest and stop the cycle.
Our parents are generally our first attachment figures, who help us feel safe, secure, and help us establish sense of self worth.
If you've not already, PLEASE read Toxic Parents. Beware it will bring up emotions for you. But it's helped me start healing in order to put the past to rest and stop the cycle.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Hi LiveInPeace. It took me a long time to get to that point and it wasn't easy at times. I'm 49 now, and I would say things became very clear for me about 6 years ago.
It may sound strange, but at that time, I decided for the first time to bring up just one thing that had occurred - an incident of unprovoked physical violence on me by my mother. I thought that would be a nice clear cut incident to choose rather than all the verbal/emotional abuse. She said "I deserved it" and that she wasn't sorry. Funny, but it was shortly after that point that I realised she was just incapable of certain things, and if I didn't accept that then I was just forever going to be disappointed. Once I lowered my expectations, the relationship improved tenfold.
Having said that, I don't afford her any opportunity to inflict more damage. I keep the relationship superficial in the sense that I never divulge anything significantly personal I may be going through. Because she is pretty self-centered, she doesn't even notice. I also don't engage in any vitriol about others that she tries to engage me in - which happens quite often. I just don't respond to it and the conversation naturally dies.
As far as being fearful of a young innocent, I think they get triggered by their own history in current relationships - even with children. It's not a conscious thing - they are just replaying past wounds they have never confronted and healed. I find it much easier when I remember she is a wounded person. I know what it's like - I feel for you. It's really awful being angry and can be hard to stop it. I think the anger, compassion, anger, compassion cycle plays itself out until hopefully, we arrive at compassion and stay there. Don't be hard on yourself about it. We're only human too :-)
It may sound strange, but at that time, I decided for the first time to bring up just one thing that had occurred - an incident of unprovoked physical violence on me by my mother. I thought that would be a nice clear cut incident to choose rather than all the verbal/emotional abuse. She said "I deserved it" and that she wasn't sorry. Funny, but it was shortly after that point that I realised she was just incapable of certain things, and if I didn't accept that then I was just forever going to be disappointed. Once I lowered my expectations, the relationship improved tenfold.
Having said that, I don't afford her any opportunity to inflict more damage. I keep the relationship superficial in the sense that I never divulge anything significantly personal I may be going through. Because she is pretty self-centered, she doesn't even notice. I also don't engage in any vitriol about others that she tries to engage me in - which happens quite often. I just don't respond to it and the conversation naturally dies.
As far as being fearful of a young innocent, I think they get triggered by their own history in current relationships - even with children. It's not a conscious thing - they are just replaying past wounds they have never confronted and healed. I find it much easier when I remember she is a wounded person. I know what it's like - I feel for you. It's really awful being angry and can be hard to stop it. I think the anger, compassion, anger, compassion cycle plays itself out until hopefully, we arrive at compassion and stay there. Don't be hard on yourself about it. We're only human too :-)
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
Same here.
... At times, I felt like my mother was going to kill me or that she wanted to. If anger is really fear, then how could an innocent small child evoke so much fear in a parent?
... At times, I felt like my mother was going to kill me or that she wanted to. If anger is really fear, then how could an innocent small child evoke so much fear in a parent?
Maybe there was fear of failure or of the responsibility of having a child. Maybe there was fear and resentment that she was expected to act more selflessly. Maybe the anger came from the shame of being an inadequate parent. Or she fantasised about the life she'd have had if she didn't have children - who knows. But if she was alcoholic, her thoughts would likely have been fuelled by her addiction, not by reasoning. Anyway - there are far too many maybes. You can choose to spend your life suffused in anger for the 'maybes' and what might have been, or continue your work on letting go of this resentment and anger.
I really don't mean to sound flippant - I do realise that this is not easy, but it's also really important if you don't want these experiences to spoil this part of your life.
I found that the 'Inner Child' work helped me to get ready to move past it (Penny Parks). I suppose that I felt that moving on and forgiving people who'd done me harm invoked guilt in me for deserting that little girl within me who was still in pain. Almost like saying what happened didn't matter. I needed to do the Inner Child work to acknowledge that what happened was important. SHE was important. And it was wrong for others to treat her badly. And explain (to her / to myself??) why it was equally important for us to get better and be happy. I also felt safe hiding behind my anger-cloak. Now I know that it wasn't protecting me, it was suffocating me.
I suppose as well, I had to learn to be more accepting - and what 'acceptance' means. Before I thought it meant that I'd be accepting that what happened was okay. Now, to me, it means accepting that what happen, happened, and there is nothing to be done to change that. It is not a value judgement; right / wrong; okay / out or order. Just - it happened and I can't change it now. Or - that person behaves in a vile way - and I can't change them. And, as the serenity prayer reminds me to do, I look towards the things that I CAN change - which is me, and the way chose the behave; think; and feel.
As an AAer I do rely a lot on prayer / meditation. When anger; resentments; selfishness; or pride pop up, I know that asking for these to be removed does help. I ask for them to be removed, and for the willingness to 'do thy will not mine'. And if something seems too difficult for me to forgive (as it did for me when thinking back to some childhood experiences), I remind myself that at end of the day, it's the willingness to forgive that's important, and I hand it over for God to decide what to do with it. I also use the resentment prayer a lot, and the 'Do it anyway' poem as a prayer / meditation, and these really help me.
I hope you find some peace soon. x
RESENTMENT PRAYER:
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thank you for your help and strength with this resentment.
DO IT ANYWAY
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Tooshabby
Hi LiveInPeace. It took me a long time to get to that point and it wasn't easy at times. I'm 49 now, and I would say things became very clear for me about 6 years ago.
It may sound strange, but at that time, I decided for the first time to bring up just one thing that had occurred - an incident of unprovoked physical violence on me by my mother. I thought that would be a nice clear cut incident to choose rather than all the verbal/emotional abuse. She said "I deserved it" and that she wasn't sorry. Funny, but it was shortly after that point that I realised she was just incapable of certain things, and if I didn't accept that then I was just forever going to be disappointed. Once I lowered my expectations, the relationship improved tenfold.
Having said that, I don't afford her any opportunity to inflict more damage. I keep the relationship superficial in the sense that I never divulge anything significantly personal I may be going through. Because she is pretty self-centered, she doesn't even notice. I also don't engage in any vitriol about others that she tries to engage me in - which happens quite often. I just don't respond to it and the conversation naturally dies.
As far as being fearful of a young innocent, I think they get triggered by their own history in current relationships - even with children. It's not a conscious thing - they are just replaying past wounds they have never confronted and healed. I find it much easier when I remember she is a wounded person. I know what it's like - I feel for you. It's really awful being angry and can be hard to stop it. I think the anger, compassion, anger, compassion cycle plays itself out until hopefully, we arrive at compassion and stay there. Don't be hard on yourself about it. We're only human too :-)
That was helpful to read what you thought about the anger and compassion cycle. My therapist is trying to get me to express my anger about my mother. It is the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was actually the most freeing moment I've ever experienced when I did. I know AA isn't about expressing our feelings because then it's all about me, me, me, but I know if I don't express my anger toward her, I'll never get fully well. Even typing this, I feel myself numbing out to protect myself.
Thank you so much. I admire you for going through what you did, and yet saying you love her. I feel guilty for not being in that place, but at least I have hope that I will someday and be free of the pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Beccybean
There are countless possible answers to this question, and the fact is that it is likely that you will never know which one was true.
Maybe there was fear of failure or of the responsibility of having a child. Maybe there was fear and resentment that she was expected to act more selflessly. Maybe the anger came from the shame of being an inadequate parent.
But if she was alcoholic, her thoughts would likely have been fuelled by her addiction, not by reasoning. Anyway - there are far too many maybes. You can choose to spend your life suffused in anger for the 'maybes' and what might have been, or continue your work on letting go of this resentment and anger.
I really don't mean to sound flippant - I do realise that this is not easy, but it's also really important if you don't want these experiences to spoil this part of your life.
I found that the 'Inner Child' work helped me to get ready to move past it (Penny Parks). I suppose that I felt that moving on and forgiving people who'd done me harm invoked guilt in me for deserting that little girl within me who was still in pain. Almost like saying what happened didn't matter. I needed to do the Inner Child work to acknowledge that what happened was important. SHE was important. And it was wrong for others to treat her badly. And explain (to her / to myself??) why it was equally important for us to get better and be happy. I also felt safe hiding behind my anger-cloak. Now I know that it wasn't protecting me, it was suffocating me.
I suppose as well, I had to learn to be more accepting - and what 'acceptance' means. Before I thought it meant that I'd be accepting that what happened was okay. Now, to me, it means accepting that what happen, happened, and there is nothing to be done to change that. It is not a value judgement; right / wrong; okay / out or order. Just - it happened and I can't change it now. Or - that person behaves in a vile way - and I can't change them. And, as the serenity prayer reminds me to do, I look towards the things that I CAN change - which is me, and the way chose the behave; think; and feel.
As an AAer I do rely a lot on prayer / meditation. When anger; resentments; selfishness; or pride pop up, I know that asking for these to be removed does help. I ask for them to be removed, and for the willingness to 'do thy will not mine'. And if something seems too difficult for me to forgive (as it did for me when thinking back to some childhood experiences), I remind myself that at end of the day, it's the willingness to forgive that's important, and I hand it over for God to decide what to do with it. I also use the resentment prayer a lot, and the 'Do it anyway' poem as a prayer / meditation, and these really help me.
I hope you find some peace soon. x
RESENTMENT PRAYER:
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thank you for your help and strength with this resentment.
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thank you for your help and strength with this resentment.
DO IT ANYWAY
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
Wow. That speaks volumes. But is still confusing for me. Do I say, "Ok, I accept it because mom was sick" or do I say "it wasn't okay how she treated me, but it happened and I can't change it." It makes me wonder how to treat that level of sickness in people going forward. Just how much love, patience, and kindness are we supposed to give to abusive people? It's confusing. I know I can change my response to people like this, but I'm still unsure as to how.
I had a few justified resentments against people who harmed / abused me as a young adolescent. I could not have cared less how sick or in pain that person was to be honest - but I did want to be free of the pain that my resentment was causing me. My approach in the end was the one that goes "it wasn't okay how he treated me, but it happened and I can't change it." (This was also reflected in greater detail in my letter to my inner child as part of that work) I prayed on it, using the resentment prayer, but also telling God that I needed to hand this one over to him to figure out about forgiveness, and asked him to guide me. I then did not think about it for a while (pushing my thoughts onto something else if it popped in my head - reminding myself, that's not mine to deal with now. That's God's) apart from when I did my routine morning prayers when I continued to ask for the resentment to be removed. Gradually I found myself thinking about it / the person less and less, until one day I realised that when I did think about it, I wasn't getting rage or anger or weepiness. I was free of it.
I suppose if this person were someone I was still in contact with (I'm actually not even sure if he's still alive) then I'd have to decide just how much love, patience, and kindness I should give them. I suppose I would ask God for his help and guidance to do his will, and not do anything unless I felt positive that I knew what to do and why I should do it.
After all, this isn't really about helping / changing other people - it's about changing ourselves, and our perspectives so that we can live in happiness and know serenity. A lot of my anxieties come down to trying to control things that I can't. Someone (who has what I want) at AA said he suddenly realised that he was like a little man hanging from an elephants tail, valiantly trying to get the elephant to go his way, thinking that the elephant was the reason he was headed in the wrong direction all the time. One day he realised that if he let you of the elephant and let God sort that out, then he would be free to go the 'right' way himself. I don't know why, but that little analogy really resonated with me. My abuser & the people who didn't listen to me when I asked for help are like those elephants: It's not my job to try to steer them. I'll leave them to God, and just make sure that I go the way that I know I should go. Because that's all that I CAN do.
x
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Beccybean
I don't know - all I can do is share what worked for me, and if any of it helps at all then that's cool.
I had a few justified resentments against people who harmed / abused me as a young adolescent. I could not have cared less how sick or in pain that person was to be honest - but I did want to be free of the pain that my resentment was causing me. My approach in the end was the one that goes "it wasn't okay how he treated me, but it happened and I can't change it."
(This was also reflected in greater detail in my letter to my inner child as part of that work) I prayed on it, using the resentment prayer, but also telling God that I needed to hand this one over to him to figure out about forgiveness, and asked him to guide me. I then did not think about it for a while (pushing my thoughts onto something else if it popped in my head - reminding myself, that's not mine to deal with now. That's God's) apart from when I did my routine morning prayers when I continued to ask for the resentment to be removed. Gradually I found myself thinking about it / the person less and less, until one day I realised that when I did think about it, I wasn't getting rage or anger or weepiness. I was free of it.
I suppose if this person were someone I was still in contact with (I'm actually not even sure if he's still alive) then I'd have to decide just how much love, patience, and kindness I should give them. I suppose I would ask God for his help and guidance to do his will, and not do anything unless I felt positive that I knew what to do and why I should do it.
After all, this isn't really about helping / changing other people - it's about changing ourselves, and our perspectives so that we can live in happiness and know serenity. A lot of my anxieties come down to trying to control things that I can't.
Someone (who has what I want) at AA said he suddenly realised that he was like a little man hanging from an elephants tail, valiantly trying to get the elephant to go his way, thinking that the elephant was the reason he was headed in the wrong direction all the time. One day he realised that if he let you of the elephant and let God sort that out, then he would be free to go the 'right' way himself. I don't know why, but that little analogy really resonated with me. My abuser & the people who didn't listen to me when I asked for help are like those elephants: It's not my job to try to steer them. I'll leave them to God, and just make sure that I go the way that I know I should go. Because that's all that I CAN do.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Beccybean
I don't know - all I can do is share what worked for me, and if any of it helps at all then that's cool.
I had a few justified resentments against people who harmed / abused me as a young adolescent. I could not have cared less how sick or in pain that person was to be honest - but I did want to be free of the pain that my resentment was causing me. My approach in the end was the one that goes "it wasn't okay how he treated me, but it happened and I can't change it."
(This was also reflected in greater detail in my letter to my inner child as part of that work) I prayed on it, using the resentment prayer, but also telling God that I needed to hand this one over to him to figure out about forgiveness, and asked him to guide me. I then did not think about it for a while (pushing my thoughts onto something else if it popped in my head - reminding myself, that's not mine to deal with now. That's God's) apart from when I did my routine morning prayers when I continued to ask for the resentment to be removed. Gradually I found myself thinking about it / the person less and less, until one day I realised that when I did think about it, I wasn't getting rage or anger or weepiness. I was free of it.
I suppose if this person were someone I was still in contact with (I'm actually not even sure if he's still alive) then I'd have to decide just how much love, patience, and kindness I should give them. I suppose I would ask God for his help and guidance to do his will, and not do anything unless I felt positive that I knew what to do and why I should do it.
After all, this isn't really about helping / changing other people - it's about changing ourselves, and our perspectives so that we can live in happiness and know serenity. A lot of my anxieties come down to trying to control things that I can't.
Someone (who has what I want) at AA said he suddenly realised that he was like a little man hanging from an elephants tail, valiantly trying to get the elephant to go his way, thinking that the elephant was the reason he was headed in the wrong direction all the time. One day he realised that if he let you of the elephant and let God sort that out, then he would be free to go the 'right' way himself. I don't know why, but that little analogy really resonated with me. My abuser & the people who didn't listen to me when I asked for help are like those elephants: It's not my job to try to steer them. I'll leave them to God, and just make sure that I go the way that I know I should go. Because that's all that I CAN do.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
The good news for me is a process in the program I embrace allows me to make amends to those whom I have harmed. I did this with my parents at their graves.
I forgave them and I asked their forgiveness for all my shortcoming. I hope they do.........
I forgave them and I asked their forgiveness for all my shortcoming. I hope they do.........
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy
The good news for me is a process in the program I embrace allows me to make amends to those whom I have harmed. I did this with my parents at their graves.
I forgave them and I asked their forgiveness for all my shortcoming. I hope they do.........
I forgave them and I asked their forgiveness for all my shortcoming. I hope they do.........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LiveInPeace
It's just easier said then done, as I fall back into old habits and ways of thinking.
Anyway - the way I see it is, I am not 'recovered'. I am in a state of 'recovery'. Every day is a reprise given to me by God and AA, and it'll continue to work, if I continue to work it.
PS I find that Big Book Study and Step meetings really helpful - that's when I get to hear others sharing specifically on their experiences with this kind of stuff. I do like a good general share meeting - but I'd say that it's these more focussed ones that have helped me get more from the Big Book and my step work.
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