Grok

I am not a stupid person. I know that what I am doing is hurting me , hurting others and basically ruining my life. I have to work soooo hard to be normal it hurts, but I just keep doing it , it makes no sense. I cant go on like this. I dont want to yet I do.
I no longer even know why I do it. I am not depressed just utterly fed up with repeating the same stupid cycle for years.
I am a fit and strong person for my years just fataly flawed, hopefully just flawed.
So tomorrow , ( as I have been drinking today) I will stop drinking for good,
Thanks for reading my rant, only I can do this, maybe with your help, who knows.

thomas11

Hi Grok,

"I cant go on like this. I don't want to yet I do". That's the conundrum isn't it? And yet millions of people are in the same shoes. My personal opinion is that breaking that "stupid cycle" you refer to is the most difficult part. Have you tried quitting before?

Anna

Hi Grok,

Personally, I don't believe alcoholism is a character defect. I believe it's a disease. And, have faith that you can change. You don't have to continue to go through the cycle of despair. Why not start right now instead of waiting till tomorrow?

Weasel1966

Welcome grok to SR.

You walk the line we all walk when we see what's really happening. One sentence in despair. The next in hope. And back and forth we go.

Know that there are many many here who were right where you seem to be. Me included. But we found a way to stop and stay stopped.

Have you explored the many places on this site? The various ways you can find that work with who you are? AVRT, AA, SMART recovery.

What all the ways have in common are two distinct things. One a desire by by you to want to quit. Sounds like you got that. The second is a plan. How do you go about stopping. More so how do you go about staying stopped. So do some reading. Get involved.

You can do it. It does not need to be fatal. You are NOT flawed because you drink. You have the power. You don't need to drink. No one can make you.

Stick around SR. It's an amazing place and if we can help we will.

Ken

PurpleKnight

You can turn this around Grok, we don't have to keep handing the control in our lives over to alcohol, we can say no more and draw a line in the sand!!

You can do this!!

Hevyn

Grok, I felt very much like that when I first came here. I couldn't imagine my life without drinking, even though it was destroying me. I was so glad to have others to talk it over with - it relieved my anxiety greatly. I'm happy you've decided to reclaim your life. There's no doubt it can be done.

least

Welcome to the family! You'll find a lot of support here.

Soberwolf

You really can do this Grok

Dee74

Welcome back Grok

Do you have a plan?

D

biminiblue

If you want to stop, you will make the decision to do so at some point.

If not now, when?

Grok

Thanks, hopefully today is the day I finally stop. Going to be a tricky one as off to a family BBQ lots of burgers and beer etc. So if you want to learn to swim you might as well jump in the deep end.

daisy1

Grok you got it so right when you said you are trying so hard to be normal - that's exactly what I was doing.
Good luck today - I wouldnot be ok at a bbq with lots of beer, I would fail for sure. Maybe if I ate loads before I went and then ate loads while I was there I wouldn't fancy drinking so much but it would still be tricky. Got my fingers crossed for you!

doggonecarl

On day one of your sobriety? That's the line someone says who is not even entertaining the idea of skipping a risky social event. Putting your sobriety first means protecting it, not risking it.

Hope it goes okay for you.

airwick

Grok,

"Jump-in" SR will be your safety net!

jaynie04

Grok, none of us are fatally flawed. Dumping a depressive neurotoxin down our throat when we feel like that is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

I think we need to protect our sobriety at all costs. Ten years from now you likely won't remember a bbq, even if you don't drink. But you will remember the first day you began your sobriety.

There is something pretty awesome that sparks within us when we first begin to make choices that are deliberate and exact to support our sobriety. Trust me, there is no drug in the world that is as intoxicating as realizing that you have the power to change your behavior.

Draw a line in the sand. Decide that the most important thing in your life right now is protecting your sobriety, and everything choice you make right now has to support that. It truly does become second nature, and as time goes on situations that once would have made us resentful become fun again….without alcohol.

I can go to the same party now that I couldn't have attended two years ago when newly sober and have a great time. I now actually remember conversations, enjoy food, and am free from the preoccupation of my next drink, and the shame of feeling bloated and a mess.

I pleased everyone when I was drinking, I didn't have boundaries and even though I was ragged on the inside I kept saying yes. I learned to say no, I had to. The fact that I was doing things differently highlighted the fact that my life was changing. I had to say no to a lot of social engagements the first year. I wouldn't do it any differently looking back.

I would say if something makes you anxious during very early sobriety and it isn't absolutely necessary, skip it. That is taking action. And if you do attend be aware that the AV is often lurking when we emerge from a situation successfully. Keep checking in here and congratulations on beginning your journey.

ArtFriend

Fatally flawed implies that you are "not right" or "immoral". Alcoholism is a disease (although some might argue that it is a choice which I don't subscribe to). The brain mechanism that causes this is a reward system that puts alcohol (and drugs) to the very top. Over basic primal needs like food and sex. The brain doesn't know it is poison. So when one tries to stop, the brain (I am talking about a specific part of the brain, not the part that reasons) says, "hey... I need that stuff to survive!" The reasoning part of the brain says "no, I want to quit, This is bad" So there is the duality and the internal struggle. This has nothing to do with how smart you are or how strong you are. It is a nasty disease that requires some form of intervention.

thomas11

How did it go Grok? This was a simple test to grade.....pass or fail? We hope you passed.

Grok

The odds were never good but it was something I could not get out of. Normally I would have had a load of booze plus my own stash incase it ran out. Had I not been put under pressure I might have made it, but I had a couple of beers over the whole day just small sips so no effect, went to bed sober, had a crap nights sleep and woke up tired but no hangover.
So that's behind me today will be my day 1

doggonecarl

You been a member of SR for a while, struggling to get and remain sober. So I will put it bluntly, you are just repeating what doesn't work. Time to change it up.

Moving forward with the hope that this is your last day one, I can only repeat what I said in an earlier post:

"Putting your sobriety first means protecting it, not risking it."

FreeOwl

You will finally change when the pain of staying the same becomes worse than the fear of changing.

Or - when the desire to live a better life becomes stronger than the allure of your addiction.

There are two paths to this outcome; it becomes so devastatingly bad that you are absolutely desperate OR - your positive focus on a desire for improvement grows that desire to the point that it takes over.

So.... You can wait for it to get worse....

Or resolve right NOW and every day to take steps to grow your desire for better.

Anyway, you can do it!!