I am terrified

Old 07-01-2015, 06:35 AM
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I am terrified

Up until about 2.5 years ago, I rarely cared about alcohol. I would have 1/2 a glass of wine on occasion or drink a beer if it was one that a friend made. Somehow that changed. I began to have a cocktail almost every night before bed. No big deal, 1 drink, but then it became more. I don't even know how that happened. A few nights ago I was having dinner with a friend at our house, drank wine, and then blacked out for the first time ever in my life. I woke up with beer cans all around me and no memory of ever getting myself any beer..... last I had remembered was the wine! I had no memory of my friend leaving my house after dinner, no memory of falling asleep on the couch or my husband sending me up to bed. He claimed I watched tv and spoke with him when I was in bed, but I woke the next day with absolutely no memory of that. I am terrified. What if I would have decided to get into my car? Or cook food and leave the stove on? I have no memory, so the conscious/logical part of me really was having no choice in what I was doing in that state. Clearly, this is not normal alcohol consumption. This isn't social drinking, this is a problem. And I can't drink normally. As soon as I have a little, I have a lot. I can abstain (although it is hard), but the moment that alcohol touches my lips then I seem to have no control over the quantity.

Today is now day 3 of not drinking at all. 2 nights ago I told my husband that I couldn't drink anymore. He didn't realize what I was really saying and was teasing me in front of friends for getting too drunk and being hung over. That hurt.... he didn't realize that I was admitting that I have a real, true problem. Last night we had a true heart-to-heart and I explained how scared I am and how I really need his support. That this isn't just me being hung over the next day, but I blacked out and it has shaken me to my core. I don't want to be this person. I deserve better, my kids deserve better, my lovely husband deserves better. I have to be done drinking forever, I realize now. Once upon a time I could have taken or left alcohol and it had no hold over me, I hope i can get to the point of just simply leaving it without too much thought. I understand that I will never really be able to socially drink anymore.

I have been thinking about going to support groups for help, too, but my career would be in jeopardy. The professional license that I hold, I could lose simply for admitting that alcohol has been a problem for me and that I have gotten help. Have other people dealt with that?
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:49 AM
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love is the answer
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Welcome to the forums bighaircut.

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Old 07-01-2015, 06:52 AM
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Hi and welcome.

Congratulations with your insight regarding your drinking problem. There is a lot of help here and at meetings like AA. I understand your reluctance but try to find a group in AA that is for your professional background, like lawyers, doctors, airline pilots etc.

You have a good chance of not meeting so many bumps on the road to recovery because of your early awareness and doing something about it.

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Old 07-01-2015, 07:25 AM
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I found great tools for recovery on many Internet Sites.

Do a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages. There are many sites with Great Recovery messages, and most are free. Two suggestions to search for at the start: 'Joe & Charlie Big Book Study' and 'Melbourne AA Steps Weekend - Recordings'.

Also ... there are many sites on the Internet that will walk you thru the 12 Steps of AA. My life was transformed thru WORKING the Steps thoroughly. (You will invariably come across the 'AA Bashers' whose lives have NOT been transformed by the 12 Steps, and would prefer to make themselves feel superior than they actually care about YOU getting FREE. Just consider them not-so-good entertainment.)

And ... if you make it to any AA Meetings, speak to the person 'chairing' the meeting, and tell them you would like to talk with them about the importance of Anonymity.

Also ... I am a professional in Construction Management, and I absolutely 'needed' Anonymity regarding my drinking problem. The biggest problem was that I had 'stayed the course' trying to maintain and keep my drinking 'problem' hidden for years, and it finally progressed to the point that more people 'knew' I had a drinking problem than I realized.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:35 AM
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Welcome to the family! I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here.
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:54 AM
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welcome to the forum
When I first came to SR I saw mention of Rational Recovery and AVRT. There are great threads about them in the Secular Connections forum here on SR. Highly recommend looking into them.
wish you well and hope to see you around
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Old 07-01-2015, 08:31 AM
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Chances are that, unless you get well on the road to sobriety, you'll eventually lose your professional license. Thus, aside from this, you seem to have only one viable option. That is to seek counseling and join a group of professionals like yourself, preferably a small group, which has strict rules about any gossip outside of the meeting. There is always a small amount of risk but this is a risk which must be taken. The alternative is horrendous, eventual loss of license and on top of that having to get yourself out of even more severe alcoholism. I'm truly sorry but those are the facts. This is your chance. Never drink again, get help, like medical or other professional help, join a group of professionals in recovery and hang in there. Alcohol is your very top priority. Keep posting. Every good wish. All the best to you. Whatever happens we're here for you. As already suggested on this site, you can do a lot of good for yourself just on the internet. Not as much good as face to face but still good. Consider that too.

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Old 07-01-2015, 08:46 AM
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Welcome to SR bighaircut. Alcohlism can sneak up on you over the years, i know it did for me. It's great that you recognize it and want to do something about it, coming here to SR is an excellent first step.

Regarding the worry of someone "finding out", most likely some already know to be frank - think about your friend who was over during your blackout for example. Your husband obviously knows too, and it's likely others do too. What's vital is putting those fears aside and taking action to solve the problem. There's lots of ways to go about it that don't involve publicly admitting the issue - private therapy, self paced sobriety methods like AVRT, anonymous forums like SR, self help books, etc.
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Old 07-01-2015, 08:47 AM
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Welcome. I am glad you are here.

There are meetings for professionals. It might take some sleuthing but they are available.
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Old 07-01-2015, 08:52 AM
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I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days and they are so very scary, particularly for a woman. I'm glad you know you need to stop drinking. And, it's hard for others like your husband to understand alcoholism which is why this is such a good place for support.
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Old 07-01-2015, 09:17 AM
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Congrats on making a decision to begin a happier, healthier, more serene life, bighaircut. Having that heart to heart with your husband is a great first step. Building accountability to myself and to others has been the cornerstone of my recovery this time. I'm on day 55.

Not sure where you're located but in many bigger cities, there are AA groups specifically set up for professionals in various careers where anonymity is an even bigger concern than normal--doctors, lawyers, police officers, priests, pharmacists, etc. You might call your local AA hotline (should be a number in your phone book) and see if such meetings exist in your area. Though I've seen all of the above professionals in regular AA meetings as well and never heard of any issues of their anonymity being broken.

If AA still isn't an option, maybe you can do some one-on-one counseling with an addiction counselor.

I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of July 2015 thread in this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are also in early recovery.

Wishing you the best today. Check in often!
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Old 07-01-2015, 09:31 AM
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Go to Meetings

My experience as a licensed person? It seemed like the license made attending meetings risky. It turned out to be not that big a deal. If you're really that worried, go, listen and, if asked, share that you need to listen for now.

As time went along, I discovered in my meetings doctors, lawyers, accountants, CEOs, actors, psychs, nurses, architects, teachers, drivers, etc. We are all the same, and the program is big enough for all of us.
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Old 07-01-2015, 12:37 PM
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Welcome to SR bud
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:18 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Bighaircut!!
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:39 PM
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:44 PM
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:25 PM
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welcome to SR bighaircut - you'll find a lot of support and understanding here

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Old 07-01-2015, 05:40 PM
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Welcome bighaircut.
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:51 PM
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Hey BigHairCut

I drank to black out on Saturday in front of a family reunion. Found myself passed out on the floor of my hotel room. What an idiot I am/was. So embarrassed and yes so glad I didn't get in my car or something.

Not sure where to go from here either. Good luck! Black outs are scary
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:56 PM
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Where do I sign up for class of July?
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