Derailed
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
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Oh, there it is. The guilt. I did this to myself, I can deal with that. But, oh! The lies I told!
Monday: (band mate) Sorry can't make it band practice tonight, a work thing came up. (lie)
Monday (follow-up): (same band mate) Wednesday? Sure, I'll be there! (lie, but I didn't yet know it)
Wednesday: (same band mate) Shoot man! I'm just feeling really lousy. Any chance we can just scrap it tonight? (lie, and the second lie of Monday comes to fruition)
Thursday: (co-worker) Hey, any chance you can work for me tonight? Something's come up (lie)
Friday: (all of my co-workers) My birthday was awesome! Got together and jammed with the band, then chilled out at home. (lie and lie)
Dammit! All the freaking lies!
Monday: (band mate) Sorry can't make it band practice tonight, a work thing came up. (lie)
Monday (follow-up): (same band mate) Wednesday? Sure, I'll be there! (lie, but I didn't yet know it)
Wednesday: (same band mate) Shoot man! I'm just feeling really lousy. Any chance we can just scrap it tonight? (lie, and the second lie of Monday comes to fruition)
Thursday: (co-worker) Hey, any chance you can work for me tonight? Something's come up (lie)
Friday: (all of my co-workers) My birthday was awesome! Got together and jammed with the band, then chilled out at home. (lie and lie)
Dammit! All the freaking lies!
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Face still a little pink. Eyes not as bad but still bloodshot and glassy. Still a little shaky, but managed to shave without carving any significant chunks out of my face. Tongue still gross and kind of coated.
Concentration and confidence are off.
Concentration and confidence are off.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
I really hope you don't put off making that "big decision" much longer. From the sound of it, drinking isn't doing you any favors.
The idea that you have to put off making the decision to stop drinking for any reason sounds a lot like your AV.
You deserve better than this garbage....not just the physical crap but the mental and emotional nightmare that goes along with the booze.
The idea that you have to put off making the decision to stop drinking for any reason sounds a lot like your AV.
You deserve better than this garbage....not just the physical crap but the mental and emotional nightmare that goes along with the booze.
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Home again, end of day 4. Very busy night at work, kept my mind off of other things for a few hours, so that was good.
As I said, concentration and confidence are still off. I'll be interested to see how long, if ever, before I regain my pre-binge levels back.
I mentioned this in a thread a few months back, but at this point I feel like I'm just sort of playing a role for others. Trying hard to be what I think they want me to be rather than being confident that who I am is enough. It's hard to explain. I don't even realize that I'm doing it until after the fact and I have to shrug and think "why did I do/say that? That's not me." Anyway, I remember having gone through this in the first weeks or so of sobriety before. Hopefully it will pass soon.
brynn, even as I was writing about putting off my plan I could tell it sounded pure AV. Don't know why it seems important to me to hold off. Knee-jerk reactions to very big decisions just scare me a little. And to swear off drinking while still probably in mild withdrawal seems knee-jerk, and easy to later dismiss as "I wasn't thinking straight". I'm not looking for a way out of dealing with this. It must be dealt with, and soon. But I'm not drinking now and, as I wrote before, I'm simply too busy to even consider drinking at any point in the next few days.
Provided that it really is THE BP, I know it's probably arbitrary when exactly the plan was put in motion. But I want to make sure that it's ME making this decision, not some wretched, hungover, guilt-ridden SOB crying out to his HP, "I promise I'll never drink again! Just make it all go away!" Yeah, right. How many times a day does a HP hear that one?
How did this post get so long? Too much crap floating around in my head, or not nearly enough? Either way, writing it does help.
As I said, concentration and confidence are still off. I'll be interested to see how long, if ever, before I regain my pre-binge levels back.
I mentioned this in a thread a few months back, but at this point I feel like I'm just sort of playing a role for others. Trying hard to be what I think they want me to be rather than being confident that who I am is enough. It's hard to explain. I don't even realize that I'm doing it until after the fact and I have to shrug and think "why did I do/say that? That's not me." Anyway, I remember having gone through this in the first weeks or so of sobriety before. Hopefully it will pass soon.
brynn, even as I was writing about putting off my plan I could tell it sounded pure AV. Don't know why it seems important to me to hold off. Knee-jerk reactions to very big decisions just scare me a little. And to swear off drinking while still probably in mild withdrawal seems knee-jerk, and easy to later dismiss as "I wasn't thinking straight". I'm not looking for a way out of dealing with this. It must be dealt with, and soon. But I'm not drinking now and, as I wrote before, I'm simply too busy to even consider drinking at any point in the next few days.
Provided that it really is THE BP, I know it's probably arbitrary when exactly the plan was put in motion. But I want to make sure that it's ME making this decision, not some wretched, hungover, guilt-ridden SOB crying out to his HP, "I promise I'll never drink again! Just make it all go away!" Yeah, right. How many times a day does a HP hear that one?
How did this post get so long? Too much crap floating around in my head, or not nearly enough? Either way, writing it does help.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
I can appreciate your point of view But again.....I call BS.
Knee jerk?.....you're into day 4 and posting coherently. There isn't any knee jerk about it at this point.
And I'm sorry, but you say you're not looking for a way out of this but that's exactly what you are doing by not making a plan to quit. I'm not even talking about a BP at this point! Use whatever method you want, but none of them will work unless you stop drinking first.
You say you're too busy to even consider drinking the next few days. That doesn't sound like someone who truly wants to stop drinking. It sounds like the only reason you're NOT drinking is cause you CANT!
I'm not trying to be harsh, but we joined SR at about the same time and I've followed your posts and your struggles and I would really like you to experience the same freedom from booze that I have.
Knee jerk?.....you're into day 4 and posting coherently. There isn't any knee jerk about it at this point.
And I'm sorry, but you say you're not looking for a way out of this but that's exactly what you are doing by not making a plan to quit. I'm not even talking about a BP at this point! Use whatever method you want, but none of them will work unless you stop drinking first.
You say you're too busy to even consider drinking the next few days. That doesn't sound like someone who truly wants to stop drinking. It sounds like the only reason you're NOT drinking is cause you CANT!
I'm not trying to be harsh, but we joined SR at about the same time and I've followed your posts and your struggles and I would really like you to experience the same freedom from booze that I have.
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Brynn, I do appreciate your concern. Don't worry about sounding harsh, it's coming from a good place. My "method" before this binge was AVRT and I plan to continue using it. I don't intend to let this last setback turn into anything more than that: a setback. I'm picking up where I left off, as best I can while still feeling kind of crappy from all of this. My sick, morbid curiosity about what it would be like to drink again, after being sober for some good time has been satiated: it sucks! No: I STILL can't stop once I start. No: The detox is not any easier. No: it wasn't "fun" - what I remember of it. Yes: I feel like I let myself down. No: it's NOT okay. That being said, I'm back to the mindset of "I don't drink" with the added "believe me, I've tried."
It's tough to convey all that I'm thinking and feeling accurately here, and I do realize that much of what I've posted over the last few days has AV written all over it. I've considered this myself. But I'm back and ready to fight the good fight here. I will reread RR, and relearn to recognize my thoughts. Over the last couple of months I think that I had gotten complacent with it. There was a pretty long period where my AV seemed nowhere to be found. And I think I let it slip in closer and closer, so slowly that I didn't see it coming. By the time I got to drinking I wasn't listening for AV at all, because, "hey, I got this!"
My last post does read like I have no plan. But isn't that part of the elegance of AVRT? Doesn't require all that much in the way of action. Just be aware, and be resolute. I have made much progress in meaningful ways lately, I'm nicer, more pleasant, punctual, I make time for friends, put together a resume and started circulating it, joined a band, been living healthier and cleaner. I'm not ready to throw all that away, I want to continue to build on that. So, how do I ensure that I don't fall into complacency again down the road a spell? Taking AVRT to its logical conclusion of a BP seems the obvious choice. But again, it's something that I would prefer to do while sound of mind and spirit.
It's tough to convey all that I'm thinking and feeling accurately here, and I do realize that much of what I've posted over the last few days has AV written all over it. I've considered this myself. But I'm back and ready to fight the good fight here. I will reread RR, and relearn to recognize my thoughts. Over the last couple of months I think that I had gotten complacent with it. There was a pretty long period where my AV seemed nowhere to be found. And I think I let it slip in closer and closer, so slowly that I didn't see it coming. By the time I got to drinking I wasn't listening for AV at all, because, "hey, I got this!"
My last post does read like I have no plan. But isn't that part of the elegance of AVRT? Doesn't require all that much in the way of action. Just be aware, and be resolute. I have made much progress in meaningful ways lately, I'm nicer, more pleasant, punctual, I make time for friends, put together a resume and started circulating it, joined a band, been living healthier and cleaner. I'm not ready to throw all that away, I want to continue to build on that. So, how do I ensure that I don't fall into complacency again down the road a spell? Taking AVRT to its logical conclusion of a BP seems the obvious choice. But again, it's something that I would prefer to do while sound of mind and spirit.
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Day 5. Still feeling "off" but I think it's more the disturbed sleep than anything else. Also been eating a lot of garbage. I know I should be thinking more along nutritious lines, but in this early stage when eating still seems like a chore I figure that putting any fuel into my body at all is a small victory. I plan to get back to healthier eating over the next couple of days.
Face a little pink, but not abnormally so. Eyes bloodshot, but I'll blame that on my irregular sleep over the last couple of days.
Face a little pink, but not abnormally so. Eyes bloodshot, but I'll blame that on my irregular sleep over the last couple of days.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
The only action The Big Plan requires (besides actually making the plan) is not drinking.......which might be more of an inaction I suppose, although we still need to be able to recognize our AV and not engage it in debate or listen to it's lies.
I'll be looking forward to your post announcing your decision to make a BP and quit for good!
I'll be looking forward to your post announcing your decision to make a BP and quit for good!
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Day 6. Didn't sleep last night. Not. One. Wink. Nada. Zilch. Goose egg.
Had to be at work at 9am, just couldn't make sleep happen. So I'm still running on Sunday night's less-than-stellar sleep. Needless to say I can't accurately give an update on my physical or mental progress. Of course I feel like crap, I haven't slept!
The good news is, I had plenty of time to read and mull things over last night while I should have been sleeping. A BP has been made. Oh, it's on...
Had to be at work at 9am, just couldn't make sleep happen. So I'm still running on Sunday night's less-than-stellar sleep. Needless to say I can't accurately give an update on my physical or mental progress. Of course I feel like crap, I haven't slept!
The good news is, I had plenty of time to read and mull things over last night while I should have been sleeping. A BP has been made. Oh, it's on...
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Hi SDH
I haven't been on SR for awhile and just read about your relapse. I am so glad to hear that you are focused on getting back to where you were. There are so many ups and downs in getting and staying sober. It is so important we stay committed for the long haul. Here to your speedy recovery back to health!
I haven't been on SR for awhile and just read about your relapse. I am so glad to hear that you are focused on getting back to where you were. There are so many ups and downs in getting and staying sober. It is so important we stay committed for the long haul. Here to your speedy recovery back to health!
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