Dee74

I'm really sorry to read this SDH but I'm glad you're back

Reading through this thread might not be the worst thing you do today:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

D

SDH73

Posting this from work. First time posting using the phone app. To copperhead's post: yes 4 months. To the day.

SDH73

Cool. It works.

SDH73

Sorry, copper, not copperhead.

strategery

I am sorry to hear you relapsed, but am happy that you're back. One of the things you're going to need to look at closely was how you exactly convinced yourself that you wanted to experience that misery again. I hope this experience makes your sobriety that much stronger next time you're at the point of giving in.

Pipping

I am sorry you relapsed and I am so pleased you are giving it another go. I was a stay at home binger and the last time I drank it followed a very similar pattern to yours. You described that walking through molasses sensation perfectly and what is interesting is during a period of depression I had years ago when I didn't drink I had that feeling everyday. Alcohol really is a depressant . Thanks for posting it was a good reminder of the living hell. It sounds like you are getting through the initial week from hell. All the best xxx

Wholesome

Hey SDH.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Quitting drinking is hard and you did it for 4 whole months!! That is a huge accomplishment. I have read a few of your posts where you talked about how you were finding sober living hard and that temptation was getting to you. Try to take it as a learning experience that drinking life is harder with little benefits.

We all stumble. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward

SDH73

Just home from work. Walking into my apartment there was a "spot" in my vision, thought I was about to walk face first into a spider hanging on a web, had a mini freakout (I'm not an arachnophobe, but I'm not a fan either. They're f'ing creepy!) No spider, just spotty vision.

Caught myself being stupid at work tonight. Not understanding subtle jokes and whatnot. I suppose I used to be like that all the time, but with a few months of sober time under my belt I could really see the difference. Also freakishly jumpy at work. Easily startled.

There was something else I wanted to mention, but it escapes me at the moment.

I posted earlier how I thought that maybe I drank again because I wanted to detox, to be reminded of all the crap that goes along with drinking. It was just a thought and certainly didn't occur to me before I drank. At least not in that cut-and-dried a way. But, I think I mentioned this earlier, I was seeing a lot of good progress in different areas, but all the bad stuff was such a distant (and yes, distorted) memory. Someone called me out on that earlier in this thread and made a very good point. So, will I need to "remind" myself of all the horrible crap that happens when I drink whenever I start to feel good? Obviously, that's just not practical, so it's something that I will be considering.

Thanks for all the support, guys and gals. I'm not beating myself up about this. Maybe I should be more troubled by it. Probably, after a couple days of actually sleeping and being reasonably healthy and feeling physically good again I'll have some self-beating-up to do. But right now I just want to feel good again. And clean my apartment.

Dee74

It might be an idea to see a Dr. Set your mind at ease about that spotty vision, SDH?

D

SDH73

I'm hopefully going to have some restful sleep tonight. A good sleep and another day further from the drink tends to fix things up a bit, but if the spotty vision persists I will certainly see a dr.

Verte

Glad you are back, SDH. Maybe the next time you get bored with life feeling good and you start craving a little self sabotage/redemption scenario you can start a thread asking for non-alcoholic suggestions? Sweet dreams!

SDH73

Ah, just remembered something else! After being out of my aptmt all night tonight while at work, I came home and realized it just reeks! I think I had been eating cereal at some point and spilled a fair amount onto my carpet. Spoiled milk. IN THE CARPET. Very nice. Also had cooked a crockpot full of chili but ended up throwing most of it out. That can't be helping the stench.

DefconOne

My work used to keep me in check too but even so I suffered through many a day nursing a hangover. After I lost my job, I pretty much went 24/7 with drinking and didn't have true hangovers, I drank right through them. I remember thinking - it would be nice to sober up so I can enjoy the feeling of getting drunk again..ahhh those first few shots into a sober body..the thrill of it all..exhilarating. Now, I remember those hell on earth hangovers whenever I feel like drinking, the ultra pain of recovering from a binge, along with a whole lot of other cons. Drinking is just not worth it. I didn't always think that way but I do now. Drinking wrecked my life and would do so again.

SDH73

Hey Defcon, I hear ya. One of the things that I used to tell myself was that even though I was drinking INSANE amounts of booze during a binge, I would always sober up for a few days during my work week (maybe a drink or two here and there after work, but what's the point of that?), so I was okay. What I see now is going back to work was the only reason I sobering up at all. Without that I would probably drink myself to death in a short time. I have in the past taken a week off from work once in a while, always with good intentions of doing fun things and seeing cool places, but always ended up being me at home alone with the bottle for the whole week. Then having to lie to people upon my return to work about all the cool stuff I did on my "vacation."

Sunday morning, day 4. Slept last night. Crazy dreams, which as I recall from past experience is pretty normal for the first week or so. Would have liked to stay in bed for a couple more hours but I have to work at 5 PM and would like to have some time to get things done before then.

Slight headache. I remember having them fairly frequently in the first couple of months of my last sober stint. Not sure when they stopped occurring, but they did. Somewhere in the 3rd month, maybe?

Feeling like something approaching normal again. Still tired, could use more sleep, slight headache, bowels seem upset with me today. Probably are. Just a bit "out of it", but certainly much, much better than the last couple of days.

dwtbd

two things , well three actually
1 glad you're back
2 if this thread is intended for future AV debating(shouldnt be debate, but thats a longer discussion) stop now because it took a few days to write and only minutes to read, you sound better already
3 you suck at drinking, all this practice and you still suck, just give it up be a quitter (BP! BP! BP!)
oh and 4 rootin for ya , you got this

SDH73

dwt:

1 Thank you
2 I'm not one for debating methods and theories. I much prefer personal experiences, support, and the occasional tough love.
3 You nailed it: I am REALLY BAD at drinking! I should have taken up golf instead. For all I know I'm a natural at that...
oh and 4 thank you, again.

dwtbd

sdh73
I didn't mean a debate concerning method, I meant do not debate with your AV, the answer to any dumba@@ suggestion from that quarter is always a flat out NO
(BP!)

SDH73

As far as a BP goes, I am holding off on that for now. It's a decision I would prefer to make when I'm feeling 100%. As I posted before, it's easy to say "never again" when you're still shaky and hungover. Though, just between the two of us, I'm expecting a "big decision" to be coming down on that sometime this week.

SDH73

This is kind of a safe week for me. I'm working tonight, band practice tomorrow night, then work straight through until next sunday. No time anywhere in there for a "respectable binge", and the idea of just a couple of drinks doesn't set me off at all. So, later in the week, with a clear head and some more time to really consider things I will be figuring some things out.

dwtbd

rootin for ya,