Home again, end of day 4. Very busy night at work, kept my mind off of other things for a few hours, so that was good.
As I said, concentration and confidence are still off. I'll be interested to see how long, if ever, before I regain my pre-binge levels back.
I mentioned this in a thread a few months back, but at this point I feel like I'm just sort of playing a role for others. Trying hard to be what I think they want me to be rather than being confident that who I am is enough. It's hard to explain. I don't even realize that I'm doing it until after the fact and I have to shrug and think "why did I do/say that? That's not me." Anyway, I remember having gone through this in the first weeks or so of sobriety before. Hopefully it will pass soon.
brynn, even as I was writing about putting off my plan I could tell it sounded pure AV. Don't know why it seems important to me to hold off. Knee-jerk reactions to very big decisions just scare me a little. And to swear off drinking while still probably in mild withdrawal seems knee-jerk, and easy to later dismiss as "I wasn't thinking straight". I'm not looking for a way out of dealing with this. It must be dealt with, and soon. But I'm not drinking now and, as I wrote before, I'm simply too busy to even consider drinking at any point in the next few days.
Provided that it really is THE BP, I know it's probably arbitrary when exactly the plan was put in motion. But I want to make sure that it's ME making this decision, not some wretched, hungover, guilt-ridden SOB crying out to his HP, "I promise I'll never drink again! Just make it all go away!" Yeah, right. How many times a day does a HP hear that one?
How did this post get so long? Too much crap floating around in my head, or not nearly enough? Either way, writing it does help.