SDH73

Day 7. Still feeling lousy but I think the erratic sleep has a lot to do with that. Slept about 10 hours last night. Felt good to really sleep, but now I've got that "slept too long" grogginess thing going. Something that occurred to me today is that in the old days I'd be at the tail end of another binge by now, since it was a weekly cycle. That's crazy! That means that how I feel today, and the way I've felt the last couple of days, that's as good as I EVER felt for an entire decade. This is what passed for "feeling great!" No wonder I was miserable and hopeless.

The difference between how I felt pre-binge and how I feel now, almost a full week post-binge is night and day (or day and night, respectively).

I've read that each detox or "quit" gets more difficult. Kindling, I think it's called? Well, can't empirically say if that's true, but I can say that it FEELS more difficult. Maybe because I still remember what it's like to feel "normal" and this isn't it. I know it's early yet. Just writing this out for my own purposes.

Anxiety and faceless fears today. Trying to detach and take a look at why I'm anxious and afraid and there's no good reason. Just am.

Anyway, at least I've slept. I look forward to that leveling out some. Hopefully over the next week.

Happy day to all.

Dee74

Congrats on the week SDH. I hope things will get better from here

D

Soberpotamus

Congrats on day 7

SDH73

Car died. Stuck in the middle of a tunnel waiting for a tow. Luckily I was able to veer into a relatively safe spot right before a merge. This sucks!

Dee74

Bad luck man. Hope it can be fixed easily and cheaply...

D

CaseyW

Hey, at least you can still get SR in the tunnel. Bright side to everything!

Hope it all turns out OK and congrats on another sober day!

Soberpotamus

Let us know when you arrive home safely, SDH.

SDH73

Made it home.

I was in the tunnel going into downtown Boston in after work traffic when my car stalled out. I was in the perfect spot to be able to pull into a pre-lanemerge area so I didn't stop any traffic. 100 feet earlier or later and I'd have shut down a lane and caused a nasty traffic jam. Don't even want to think about how bad that would have been. Sat there sweating in heat with cars going by on either side for about 2 hours before a tow truck arrived. As Casey said, at least I had access to SR while I waited.

So, here's where it gets fun. You ready? I ran out of gas. No sort of mechanical problem or anything like that, I just ran out of gas. In my defense (defence, to some of you) the gas gauge wasn't working properly. Had it read "empty" I'd have filled the tank before getting on the highway. The guy who towed my car said that that's something that can happen when you fill your tank with the car turned on (you know those signs telling you to turn off your car before filling? well, do it). Good news is, no expensive repairs. Going to keep an eye on the odometer and I should be good to go. Bad news is, I'm that guy that runs out of gas on a busy highway in after work traffic.

Lost my shift at work over it, but it wasn't a great shift anyway. And now I have the night off!

Anyway, I'm fine, we're all fine here.

Della1968

Think of how much worse it would have been hungover! Glad it's all good.

Soberpotamus

Wow, that's great there's no expensive fix then. Glad you're ok

And LOL at running out of gas I've done that before.

SDH73

Not just that, but had I been coming off of a binge I'd have probably reeked of booze. A state trooper showed up and talked to me, he would have smelled it. Probably still would have had some amount of alcohol in my blood. OUI/DWI/DUI, whatever it's called, I'd have gotten one.

Not to mention that I wouldn't have been thinking straight and could have reacted badly when the car stalled out, possibly causing someone injury. That'd be tough to live with, I imagine.

I shudder to think.

SDH73

Skipped posting here yesterday. Just stuff going on.

Day 9. Face is still pink. Eyes glassy, not exactly bloodshot but not white either. Sleep is coming to me now, though it's still an uneasy sleep. Concentration and communication are still low. Words fumbling around in my mouth, seemingly unable to find the correct way to come out. Staring at the pages of a book rather than reading and comprehending immediately. I'm beginning to see the enormity of what I've done. Really feels like starting over. At least I have the benefit of having had the last few months sober. I KNOW it gets better.

It bears saying here that I feel like something is missing this go around. Something intangible. A spark. In the past I remember a week of sobriety getting me really pumped and excited. Maybe because I didn't feel that good very often. Now at over a week it feels like I'm trudging through it. I suppose I kind of had it in my head that I'd get through my 3-5 day detox period and then be right back where I left off at 4 months sober. It would seem that's not the case. Well, I'll trudge on. I'm in it for the long haul, so however it feels I will keep moving forward.

Things are starting to feel inconvenient. I joined a band recently, which was one of the things I was really looking forward to doing in sobriety. Now getting together to practice seems like a chore. Going to work, while never high on my list of fun things to do, makes me uneasy. I don't go into it with the confidence that whatever happens, I can handle it. I show up hoping for slow days (slow days = no $).

I know, it's only been a few days. Give it time. Again, just putting this in writing in case I - or anyone else - ever need a reminder of what's on the other side of those "just a few drinks."

ccam1973

SDH, great job on 9 days. You said it... give it time.

Hang in there and stay strong. Plenty of people have posted that each relapse is worse and worse on our bodies. I've never researched it, but maybe your body is taking a different route this time around.

You know it does get better. Well done on 9!

SDH73

Day 10. Feeling much better. Still tired, thoughts scattered. I'm not letting myself sleep in. I know I need to rest but I really want to get back into the habit of sleeping and waking around the same time every day.

Confidence is low. It's amazing what a difference from 2 weeks ago, before I decided to drink again. I was showing up in any situation ready to face it. Now I feel like I want to avoid ANY situation.

I've had commitments every day since I stopped drinking on May 21, and that has been helpful in getting back into the swing of things, keeping me occupied, and getting some initial sober time squared away. I have the next 4 days off (except band practice monday night) and am really looking forward to doing not much of anything. Feel like I need a couple days of relaxing, regrouping, and reflecting. That will be nice.

This thread seems to have run its course. I've come clean, tightened up my plan, dealt with the detox and subsequent sleep issues. I may start a new thread tomorrow or early in the week to journal my thoughts, questions, and issues moving forward. One of my regrets from my previous stint of sobriety was not keeping some sort of record of what was going on with me during different stages. Looking back it seems like I could almost divide those 4 months into distinctly different sections. I vaguely remember feeling great for the first month or so, then really really lonely for the second month. In the third month I started thinking more about life, where I would like to be and how I could get there. And also, in the third month thoughts of drinking again began to surface. In the fourth month I started to act on my ideas of how to achieve a better life, and sadly, acted on those thoughts of drinking.

Thanks to all who have read/contributed to this thread. Your support means a lot to me.

SDH

saoutchik

Well done on 10 days SDH. I know it's not easy but I think you will make it

brynn

SDH.....I'm reading this thread like crazy today....I've got 6 months next week and the pull to drink (just tonight ha) is stronger than it's ever been so far! I'm trying to remember all the crud that made me stop in the first place.
One thing I've realized, is that I can't let my feelings dictate my sobriety. It's not always going to feel new and exciting. It's mainly going to feel like life with it's ups and downs. I know you know that...just throwing it out there for the both of us.

neednewpath

Thanks for posting. Admitting slipping isn't easy. I felt great this morning, even posted my first thread about it. And somewhere along in the day, AV has tried to overspeak in my head. Reading your post was just the reminder I needed. Stay at it and I will too!

SDH73

Hang in there, brynn! I know what you mean about not always feeling new and exciting. The urge to drink was stronger in my last month than they ever were in the first three.

I've been working on my AVRT, since I'd let myself get away from it by the end. I'm hearing all kinds of beast activity disguised as coherent thoughts. If you've loosened up a bit on your technique, maybe a little refresher would be in order?

brynn

That's exactly what I need to be doing, SDH! Do some re-reading and brushing up instead of sitting here indulging in drinking fantasies! Thanks!

Findingtheway

Thanks for this thread. I'm one week shy of 5 months now.

Reading through that story brought all the horrid memories of my 1 week binge over New Years...I wanted to drink one night....it turned into 6 days of non stop drinking. And I had 3 months sober prior to that.

The drinking gets worse never better...and a period of sobriety does NOT make it safe for me t drink again.

Anyways...sounds like your back on track.

Do whatever you need to stay sober. Good luck.