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So angry...just want to drink

Old 05-23-2015, 10:09 AM
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So angry...just want to drink

I've not been posting much recently. My newborn is just over 3 weeks old. Had a huge fight with my boyfriend and all I want to do is go and get a bottle of wine. It's such a pathetic reaction to being angry. My poor son is lying in his Moses basket with me for a mother....what chance does he have! I keep thinking I'm getting somewhere and then this happens. 11 months and my instinct is still to drink. I'm scared I'm going to throw all this away and I'll never be able to look in my sons face.
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Old 05-23-2015, 10:14 AM
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Anger had me thinking about drinking, way past 11 months sober. But "thinking" about drinking isn't the same as doing it. You can get past the anger and the urges, and you will, and you'll be a good, sober mom.
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Old 05-23-2015, 10:17 AM
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Carl is right: thinking isn't 'doing'. You're sober despite those thoughts. Remind yourself of all the reasons you got sober in the first place. And congrats on 11 months sober!
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Old 05-23-2015, 10:27 AM
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Imagine telling your well-behaved son that you are going to punish him for having unacceptable thoughts.


Now imagine not punishing yourself for the same thing.

Congrats on 11 months sober and your new baby!
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Old 05-23-2015, 10:27 AM
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Just wait it out. The anger will pass. Accept the anger as it is, and let it pass.

You can wait it out and get through this. And then you'll know you can do it again whenever needed. It will strengthen your sober skills.

Wishing you the best!
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Old 05-23-2015, 10:55 AM
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((((Sweet Foolsgold))); early motherhood is a very emotional time.

You have been and are doing beautifully and will continue to do so.

Let the anger pass - give it time; it will.

Can you and your little new one go for a walk? Maybe just rock and sing soft, sweet songs?
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:05 AM
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Early motherhood is when my drinking became more progressed. It's a hard job!
Don't be afraid to talk to your dr. Your hormones will make you crazy! Hang in there! We're here for you!
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:07 AM
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I know it doesn't feel like it at the time, but the anger does pass. Hang in there.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:12 AM
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Carl hit the nail on the head--thinking about it isn't the same as drinking it. Good job coming on here and venting instead of going to buy that bottle. Please check in often. We're here for you!
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:29 AM
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Imagine your beautiful son coming to you with the same circumstance--what would you tell him?
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:38 AM
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Early days of motherhood are a tough tough time..... be kind to yourself and don't pay your mixed up feelings too much attention.
Busy, busy, lack of sleep and big new responsibility will be a lot harder to cope with if your drinking.
I do understand the urge though.
Take good care of BOTH of you xx
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:43 AM
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Drinking at people never works.

Go to a Muay Thai class or a long run or throw eggs at a tree.

Anything but drink.
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Old 05-23-2015, 02:43 PM
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Thank you guys. Being able to come on here when the thoughts in your mind get too much has saved me time and time again.

I know if I drink my son will not have the start in life I want for him. I love him so much it hurts me and I'd be devastated if I let him down when he needed me most.

Thank you.
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Old 05-23-2015, 03:06 PM
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Maybe keep looking him in the face until the urge passes.
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Old 05-23-2015, 03:40 PM
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Babies and alcohol are not a good mix honey!
Nappy changes, sick, crying, 4am starts to the day after 2 hours sleep are 100 times worse with a hangover.

Trust me, I have been there!

Is this your first baby?

When I had my baby she was tiny and fed non stop to catch up.
I don't think I slept for 6 months.
It was a brutal shock to the system.
I had it all planned - it would be a peaceful time where me and my partner would be blissfully happy and contended with our new baby and new life. I was going to do baby massage, baby signing, be happy at home, go for long walks, meet loads of new mummy friends. Flipping heck, I even had my mummy outfits planned and handbags to match my pram.

It turned out that for 6 months I hardly managed to get dressed by 5pm and by that time it didn't seem worth it.
When I did get dressed, 2 mins later I was covered in sick anyway.
My pram sat brand new for the first couple of weeks as I never made it out of the house.
I never slept longer than 3 hours as my baby constantly fed, I was doing the feeding and she point blank refused a bottle.
I got mastitis 3 times.
The antibiotics they prescribed me entered my milk and gave my daughter the runs.
I think I went through 326 nappies a day.
My daughter refused point blank to sleep in a moses basket and would only sleep when held by me.
It snowed for 2 months on and off and I think I didn't leave the house for nearly 3 weeks at one point.
I don't think me and partner went 24 hours without sniping at each other or rowing or him storming off in a huff.

The rows are not real.
A new baby is so hard.
I promise it gets easier.
However until it does, drinking will make everything even harder.

Try to go easy on yourself and each other.
If you can get out and about, I found when I could getting out of the house allowed me to calm down and when I got back things were never as bad.

If I had my time again I would have swaddled more so she slept better (its an art but works when you can do it), put less pressure on myself and slept more when she slept rather than doing jobs like cleaning or washing.

If you are feeling down, don't keep it to yourself and don't hide it. Its normal.
I never expected the first few weeks to be so hard.
To say I was shocked is an understatement.

I really wish you the best and you can pm me anytime xx
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Old 05-23-2015, 05:46 PM
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I think you'll make a great mum FG
Parents aren't saints but they do their best - and sometimes that best is mercurial

Thoughts are thoughts - it's the response that count

D
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Old 05-23-2015, 05:48 PM
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You can do it!! Have yourself a cup of tea and treat yourself to a movie with some popcorn
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Old 05-23-2015, 05:53 PM
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BTW think about how your child will feel when he is in his 20s and his mother hasn't been able to care for him because of alcohol. Take it from someone whose mother abandoned her to be a full time drunk. You need to be strong, if not for yourself for your son. You have been given the gift of awareness and you have a great community to support you here. You can learn from others who made these mistakes. Try to think about the big picture. You are better than that, you are in control and you can be an awesome mother! Just because you made a few mistakes doesn't mean you don't have the capacity to change into the awesome person you are. Believe in yourself and try like hell! You got this girl!!
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Old 05-23-2015, 06:22 PM
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Foolsgold, you're doing great. The first few weeks post-partum are hormonal and exhausting. Don't be hard on yourself for having some crazy thoughts of drinking. The main thing is to stay the course and focus on your beautiful baby who needs a sober Mom.
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Old 05-23-2015, 07:14 PM
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FG,
it's not your instinct, it's a reaction for the old "go-to".
i still get it at times, after a few years sober. now it doesn't manifest as "wannawannagottaDRINK" as much as a more generalized "gimme something!gottahaveSOMETHING!".
but i don't need anything.
false urgency.
all strong emotions in my first couple of years sober provoked a DRINK! reaction.

and newly post-partum...yikes; extra roller-coaster.

see if you can refocus, even just have a bath or tea or a few deep breaths.

and your son has a fine chance, since you're giving yourself yours.
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