Incontrol15

Man...The class of May was commenting on throwing away booze then digging out of trash later.

Reminded me of a time a few months ago I had called it quits. I took all the liquor and beer I had in the house and dumped it. I had several empty half gallon bottles of vodka already collected from the previous couple weeks. I made a huge pyramid with a "fence" going around it.

Looked at all of it and said "no more".
I just stood there soaking in the disgust for several minutes before finally throwing it away.

I ended up buying a pint of vodka the next day. Then kept upsizing the bottles till I rationalized the half gallons again due to price.

Took me more than half a year to make a real attempt to quit. That is when I posted here on SR. I'm sooo glad I stuck through the early withdrawals. I'm so incredibly thankful For the support and knowledge SR offers. It's absolutely liberating to break free from the chains!

Being sober rocks!!!

Buggirl

Awesome post! I wasn't an all day drinker but I knew I was pushing it the next morning driving to work and would panic about hitting someone and being breath tested or a cop pulling me. I used to also avoid detection of my breath from work colleagues. Yesterday our top boss bumped into me in the morning and I thought, thank god I don't have to panic! I can breath! Such a relief and yes almost like you want them to smell your breath so as you can prove it!

Garden Girl

This thread has officially made me glad I am sober right now!!! Don't miss any of those thing!

Incontrol15

Something I realized last night. I haven't had the need to use antacids in weeks! I remember having to taken them every night before bed. Had a bottle by my bed for when I woke up with acid reflux.

There was a time when antacids didn't do the trick so I started baking soda and water.

What a mess. I was tearing my stomach apart!

There were also the times when I felt throwing up was the best option. I got real good at making myself so that. Even times when I drank too much and felt ill as a result. I'd throw up to clear out my tummy and before long, I'd be drinking again! Craziness.

There are so many benefits to being sober, it's hard to list them all. Some of them start showing themselves early on too.

I can't think of one benefit to drinking. Maybe for a while I did...it seemed the only way I could "maintain." But in all actuality the solution to feeling better was STOPPING.

Being sober rocks. And the benefits keep piling on.

Today is 30 days sober. I would never have thought I'd be so grateful so early on.

Cissy

That's wonderful, Incontrol. (((Hugs))) !!

ardy

Hi all what a great post area.. I never drank in the car. but did have a fav dive and couple of people I spent time with drinking...no regrets just today is hard.. I am a teary old lady.. at least I remember when I cried and drank I slept hard. and never remembered why i was crying .. now remember all the time.. no I won't .. you all are a good sounding board and solid arm to hang on to. love ardy

site1Q84

Congrats InControl! 30 days is amazing. Now you can start counting in months!

CaseyW

Congrats on 30 days, InControl! You've really been an inspiration to me so far in early sobriety. Looking forward to continuing to see you grow in recovery!

Lola23

This is a great thread. Not romantizing our drinking but remembering it for what it really was.

I have so many to add...but just in general, the wondering If I smell of booze in the morning. Knowing it prob wasn't even safe for me to drive to work. Dry heaving in the bathroom as afternoon rolled around. And then when I finally leave work, going straight to my liquor store to buy a bottle and immediately pouring some of it into a water bottle to drink on the drive home to start the whole process over.

Incontrol15

As I begin Memorial Day weekend, I was thinking back to last year's Memorial Day . Drew a blank. A dud. I can only take a very educated guess that I was drinking every waking hour.

Then I thought about it. I can't remember any holiday, birthday, anniversary...nothing. Well, that's not all entirely true. The memories I have are feelings of despair, failure, lying, letting myself and other down, alienation.

No more. Im so glad I my days are no longer foggy with alcohol or drugs.

I guess for this day..it goes like this: Memories from an alcoholic: _______________ No more.

None for me today. Glad I'll remember this holiday weekend as my first SOBER weekend.

littleelm

LMAO. this was so me. I got so tired of the easter egg hunt that I eventually created a system that even as drunk as I was, I knew to text myself the location of the empties. I would leave it cryptic in case my wife read it. So it would say "upper red box". Which I knew when I woke up meant they were in the red cooler in the garage on the top shelf. Then I would sneak them into a neighbors garbage can. Disposed!

God what a mess I was.

Incontrol15

Just drove by a bar that reminded me of my bar hoping days. I spend most my days driving doing sales. My bar hoping experience wasn't going out with friends. It was stopping for drinks throughout the day.

I'd sit there all by myself. Order up a Long Island iced tea and down it. Most days I'd just have a bottle of vodka in my car. Others I would treat myself and bar hop.

It's nice to look back and just shake my head.

4months sober and loving it.

Soberwolf

4 Months is fantastic

You sir are Awesome

notgonnastoptry

I've been sober for 47 days. It's sort of hard passing my places and knowing I can't go in. There's still some allure, but I haven't picked up, or been tempted to pick up. I almost died from ketoacidosis and was in ICU. I'm scared and at the end, I had NO energy. There are blocks of time missing from my life, especially toward the end when I was an all day drinker.

At the end, i was drinking right out of the half pint or pint, even in the car. Granted, I'd only take one or two sips to get home and continue. I drank a lot of Sveda and I figured if I really needed to take a sip at a light when no one was around, if someone did pop behind me or beside me, they would't suspect that mom looking lady in the mini-van was nipping. Never did it with the kids, not like I'm better for that. I don't miss the embarrassment in front of myself from throwing away empties. There were so many, and they were mostly in the same place, boots.

I don't miss the constant games or thinking, like someone else upthread mentioned. I was always trying to calculate the right amount because I'd think I was fooling myself by buying low quantities. I'd either miserably have to go out again, or had to nurse that sucker. I was so happy when there was enough vodka in the neck of the bottle. Once I broke that seal, I would start to panic, especially if it was a half pint. At the end, I stopped mickeying around with half pints because the horse was long out of the barn. I'd just relent and buy bigger. in fact, for a few years there, were things were somewhat under control, I would limit my intake to about a pint a day. Toward the end, I didn't care, and I'd go through a half in about 24 hours or less. The only standard I held myself to was I could not finish an entire bottle in 24 hours. There had to be enough to make it through the night and enough to get rid of the dry heaves and puking the morning. I would be one happy chick on my way to CVS to restock at 7 am. I didn't have to worry about the game of hide and seek with my disappearing vodka going down my throat until later in the day.

I thought I was pretty much fine because I was drinking relatively little for a big alkie. I would have about a shot every 1.5 hours and I thought that was taking it easy. At night, I kick it up quite a bit.

I'm happy about the mental freedom. I drank cheaply, so I'm not seeing much return in that department. it's nice not having to be constantly thinking about how much you drink, when you can more, on and on.

Lola23

This really reminded me of myself. I could have written it....right down to going to dry heaves and driving to CVS at 7am to reload! Where you following me??

All joking aside, it was a miserable way to live. I'm at 90 days and I'm grateful but I won't say there haven't been moments where I've been SO tempted that I had to go straight home and all but sit on my hands until the urge passed. And it did pass. But when I am tempted it helps to remember those moments.

I remember once a few months before I quit, I had procured some red wine in the AM and was forcing it down...while driving mind you. I got terribly nauseous and ended up literally vomiting all over myself. Yep. 36 year old professional woman, driving down the street, covered in red wine vomit. Yea, real sexy. I didn't have anything to change into, so when I got home, I just turned my shirt inside out, held bags up to my chest and hoped like mad that I wldn't run into the few neighbors in the bldg that I do know.

notgonnastoptry

That is so funny. I did it on my way to work, too. I also would throw up all over the place, outside of the car. At the end, I would always take a to-go bag from Target or something to throw up into (in the car). I was also throwing up in public bathrooms quite a bit and at frequent intervals. It was very scary, because as soon as I drank, I normalized. It's hard not to see that demon for what it is when it's the only thing that can cut through the physical pain at that point.

My final days were mostly characterized by throwing up and trying to just maintain. There wasn't much fun in the buzz anymore, at all. In fact, when I got together with my binge buddy, it was the first time I was actually just trying to find time to extract myself from her company to sleep. She does a balancing act with valium and alcohol (I know, I know) so though she drinks quite often, she wasn't experiencing the complete energy void that I was. I remember almost timing my throw ups. I didn't want to do it in the house because unless you are pregnant or really sick, you don't really throw up at 7 am. So, my body and I would wait til I was in the clear- usually on the road to the liquor store-and then throw up. It was almost psychological. I started to believe that I could only achieve normalcy by throwing up. I'm so glad to be done with that.

As I've said before, this was the first time "the tape played til the end" and it was almost the real end of me. It's easier to stay quit after seeing how badly things ended up in terms of my emotional and physical health. During my other quits, I was in the maintenance stage; I had not hit disaster, yet. This time i did.

Many others mentioned the cops. I'm not a fan-sorry to those who are in law enforcement. And, I benefit from privilege, I guess, because I don't look alarming. In fact, I was waved on at a road block (those things where they pull everyone over on a random night). I DID have alcohol in my body, even if not much. I DID have open alcohol in the car under my seat. But, I got waved on because looked like a nice suburban mom driving a frumpy-dumpy mom-wagon. Heck, they didn't even really make me slow down; they looked at my face and waved me on.

Still, I would not want to be pulled over. Some cops are such egomaniacs that I could picture failing all the tests while sober (which I've heard is common) and then them refusing to give me a breathalyzer or something. I just don't trust them especially after reading the story on here of someone else who was pulled over sober and had to go through hell with them as they bullied her and in the end, finally gave her the breathalyzer after threatening her and telling her to fess up. I'd rather avoid them if and when I can. I did get a ticket for talking on the phone after I was at the liquor store. I think I'd even taken a sip to stave off the shakes. Once again, it was before noon and the officer didn't suspect me in the least.

notgonnastoptry

Re: red wine and throwing up.

I would consider it a windfall when I had more than vodka on hand, and more than just a bit because I was playing mind games with myself. My husband would pick me up wine, not knowing I needed my vodka almost constantly and would secretly sip. When there was nothing left the next day expect red wine, it did nothing to quell the nausea and, in fact, it would make it worse. My body just needed that vodka in order to reset it. Otherwise, the wine would make me throw up. I remember drinking wine to hold me over until the liquor store opened. It just made me slightly sick and at times, I would throw up. Things would be find once that vodka was coursing through my veins. Good riddance.


ETA: A few posts above, I meant to say a fifth. At that point in my career, I would have been happy if I were only drinking a half pint a day. Nope. I was up to a fifth and could have downed handle if I bought one. huh. I remember when a handle used to last a month, rather than two days. It only gets worse.

Incontrol15

So it's Friday night and I'm fighting the weekend urge. Haven't had that in a while. Easy to handle and comes in waves.

So I was posted in April how a steak and some beers would hit the spot, but I don't have the money for either.

That reminded me of all those times where I would always find a fix no matter how bad the money was. I can't even begin to imagine how much money I put on credit cards drinking. Especially when I was jobless last year.

Or the times I would cash in my change for a small bottle. Or the times I would buy the cheapest vodka available for a few bucks. When I was married, I would pull cash out so all the money spent on bars and liquor stores wouldn't show up. Sometimes I'd get questioned on the cash flow, but I traveled a lot so it was easy enough to explain away.

My money is still not right. I'm still in the process of filing bankruptcy. No more credit cards to put booze on even if I wanted to. But it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have some cash in my wallet and it's there for necessities. It's nice not to blow my last few dollars on booze. Really nice.

Soberwolf

there's an online mtn in chat in just over an hour I might go

Incontrol15

Yup. I'll be there. Been a while since I attended.