Memories from an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
Originally Posted by OnMyWay7 
For me it was thinking. When can I run downstairs for a quick swig of vodka to "help me though the evening" and add to my alcohol wine intake so I'd actually feel it. Needed vodka for that bump - rationalized it as well at least vodka is lower in calories. See I was being healthy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by Lola23
. I got terribly nauseous and ended up literally vomiting all over myself. Yep. 36 year old professional woman, driving down the street, covered in red wine vomit. Yea, real sexy. I didn't have anything to change into, so when I got home, I just turned my shirt inside out, held bags up to my chest and hoped like mad that I wldn't run into the few neighbors in the bldg that I do know.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Originally Posted by Sinderos
Too funny. I mixed my vodka with diet tonic water and low sugar low acid orange juice. I too had a "healthy" drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 74
Went to a hockey game w/ my Dad and brother. I threw up in a trash can in front of them and probably hundreds of other people, then ended up falling down in the parking lot...My Dad had to drive my car home from the game w/ me passed out in the back seat...Talk about embarrassing. Not to mention all of the other times I got drunk at family functions. Man I don't miss those days...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Originally Posted by stargazer016
I always drank diet coke with the gallons of rum I was drinking. Got to take care of myself!
We are free. And it is awesome!
Thank you all for sharing on this post. It really helps me. It's amazing how similar the stories are. We really aren't all that different. The only difference I see is the binge drinker vs the daily drinker. Other than that, we all go through the same hell.
It's also amazing to see the similarities in our recoveries. Just another reminder that we are all God's children, nothing more. Makes it easy to see the future. Just look at those people posting with years of sobriety. Also makes it easy to see what will happen if I start drinking again. I'm not special, I'm not different, I am human and I am an addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
This thread really helped me....Thank you InControl and others who contributed. I hadn't gotten as far into my alcoholism as some of the examples but was on a fast track in this direction. Reading how bad it can feel was a great reminder how grateful I am to be in recovery. Congratulations to all of you as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by SportsFan15
This thread really helped me....Thank you InControl and others who contributed. I hadn't gotten as far into my alcoholism as some of the examples but was on a fast track in this direction. Reading how bad it can feel was a great reminder how grateful I am to be in recovery. Congratulations to all of you as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Thank you SF.
It's really completely F'd up how bad things can get. Worse than you can imagine. And as bad as I let things go, there was still room to keep digging.
I have a better understand of homeless drunks. I really do. Came close myself really. If I didn't have an awesome girlfriend, I would be homeless in a month or two honestly. Once my house goes to sherif sale.
I often think it's part of plan for alcoholism. Completely take away self worth, build a whole bunch of regret and self pity.
It's a plan to put us in a situation where we do not want to feel pain. We want to drown feelings and avoid major stresses. The more we try to ignore bad feelings and stresses, the stronger it builds, and the more we desire to drown them.
It's a never ending cycle. The only way to break it is to stop drinking. Feel the pain, deal with the stresses, and make better decisions to avoid regret in the first place.
It's liberating being free from alcohol. It really is. It just takes a little time for the brain to settle and rebuild its reward center and happy place.
CONGRATS ON TWO WEEKS SOBER, BTW. THATS A HUGE DEAL!
It's really completely F'd up how bad things can get. Worse than you can imagine. And as bad as I let things go, there was still room to keep digging.
I have a better understand of homeless drunks. I really do. Came close myself really. If I didn't have an awesome girlfriend, I would be homeless in a month or two honestly. Once my house goes to sherif sale.
I often think it's part of plan for alcoholism. Completely take away self worth, build a whole bunch of regret and self pity.
It's a plan to put us in a situation where we do not want to feel pain. We want to drown feelings and avoid major stresses. The more we try to ignore bad feelings and stresses, the stronger it builds, and the more we desire to drown them.
It's a never ending cycle. The only way to break it is to stop drinking. Feel the pain, deal with the stresses, and make better decisions to avoid regret in the first place.
It's liberating being free from alcohol. It really is. It just takes a little time for the brain to settle and rebuild its reward center and happy place.
CONGRATS ON TWO WEEKS SOBER, BTW. THATS A HUGE DEAL!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Incontrol15
Thank you SF.
It's really completely F'd up how bad things can get. Worse than you can imagine. And as bad as I let things go, there was still room to keep digging.
I have a better understand of homeless drunks. I really do. Came close myself really. If I didn't have an awesome girlfriend, I would be homeless in a month or two honestly. Once my house goes to sherif sale.
I often think it's part of plan for alcoholism. Completely take away self worth, build a whole bunch of regret and self pity.
It's a plan to put us in a situation where we do not want to feel pain. We want to drown feelings and avoid major stresses. The more we try to ignore bad feelings and stresses, the stronger it builds, and the more we desire to drown them.
It's a never ending cycle. The only way to break it is to stop drinking. Feel the pain, deal with the stresses, and make better decisions to avoid regret in the first place.
It's liberating being free from alcohol. It really is. It just takes a little time for the brain to settle and rebuild its reward center and happy place.
CONGRATS ON TWO WEEKS SOBER, BTW. THATS A HUGE DEAL!
It's really completely F'd up how bad things can get. Worse than you can imagine. And as bad as I let things go, there was still room to keep digging.
I have a better understand of homeless drunks. I really do. Came close myself really. If I didn't have an awesome girlfriend, I would be homeless in a month or two honestly. Once my house goes to sherif sale.
I often think it's part of plan for alcoholism. Completely take away self worth, build a whole bunch of regret and self pity.
It's a plan to put us in a situation where we do not want to feel pain. We want to drown feelings and avoid major stresses. The more we try to ignore bad feelings and stresses, the stronger it builds, and the more we desire to drown them.
It's a never ending cycle. The only way to break it is to stop drinking. Feel the pain, deal with the stresses, and make better decisions to avoid regret in the first place.
It's liberating being free from alcohol. It really is. It just takes a little time for the brain to settle and rebuild its reward center and happy place.
CONGRATS ON TWO WEEKS SOBER, BTW. THATS A HUGE DEAL!
I go to an amazing church and someone in sunday school class said today that "human beings are pain avoidant." That really stuck with me. I used to lean into the ocean waves and dare them to challenge me.....I knew going THROUGH instead of AROUND (avoiding) made me stronger.
Somewhere in my alcoholism progression I lost that resilience and determination. ...that habit of welcoming challenge and struggle. I believe the crutch of alcohol as a coping mechanism actually disabled me. I've become avoidant in other ways as well.
What we practice, we become good at doing. I practiced avoidance. ....now I'm practicing leaning in again!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I drank every day for 25 years. Now I am just one month away from four years of sobriety and I can still remember my drunken life like it was yesterday. I was thinking of it when I went to a high school football game on Friday at six. When I was drinking, I would have been pretty drunk by then. I would have considered it to be inconvenient but no more. I thought being hammered all the time was normal. My oldest was 7 when I quit and his sister was 5 so they really don't even know the drunk me. Just about everyone else remembers drunk Gaffo though. I never puked, I was super generous and generally a very cool drunk, I guess. I drove drunk all the time but I never got DUIs or wrecks or even scared my passengers. I remember so many awful hangovers and how they just ruined the quality of so much of my life. That sick feeling started to butt up against the buzz so close that there was nothing else. I suppose that's why I quit, it was interfering with my ability to do the things that I wanted to do. I decided that I wanted to "channel my inner bad ass" and stop putting myself down.
Now my drinking memories are a part of me that just seems silly but not really in a fun sort of way. I certainly don't feel humiliated by them anymore but I've certainly grown more in the last four years than the 25 before and it feels very good. I have no regrets. It was hard to quit at first but it has gotten so much easier to not even think about it than it was at first. That's my message to all the "Newcomers to Recovery". It may seem hard but stick with it, it will get much much better. Even the roughest of days sober is really better in retrospect than hangovers, blackouts, and throwing up on yourself!
Now my drinking memories are a part of me that just seems silly but not really in a fun sort of way. I certainly don't feel humiliated by them anymore but I've certainly grown more in the last four years than the 25 before and it feels very good. I have no regrets. It was hard to quit at first but it has gotten so much easier to not even think about it than it was at first. That's my message to all the "Newcomers to Recovery". It may seem hard but stick with it, it will get much much better. Even the roughest of days sober is really better in retrospect than hangovers, blackouts, and throwing up on yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 29
Thank you everyone for this thread. I am on day 2 and I really felt so alone in all the shame of this addiction. Reading all of these posts I realize I am not alone and this disease treats us all the same. I look forward to the day where I am strong enough to post some of my stories but right now the shame is to strong
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Originally Posted by Jillybean31
Thank you everyone for this thread. I am on day 2 and I really felt so alone in all the shame of this addiction. Reading all of these posts I realize I am not alone and this disease treats us all the same. I look forward to the day where I am strong enough to post some of my stories but right now the shame is to strong
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
I gotta say, read through this thread again, and as naming of various drinks scrolled by, I could taste them. Long Island Iced Tea, vodka mixed, vodka straight, the sickly sweet taste of a highball with flat soda...
Made my gut turn over recalling it. I did a long rehash of my classic symptoms of heavy physical dependence in another thread, so I'll skip it here, but suffice to say, when askes to describe how bad it got, I sometimes ask people this:
"Have you ever tried to drink a cocktail down, and immediately puked it right back up all over yourself, and asked yourself what was more pressing: cleaning up or getting more liquor into your gut?"
Made my gut turn over recalling it. I did a long rehash of my classic symptoms of heavy physical dependence in another thread, so I'll skip it here, but suffice to say, when askes to describe how bad it got, I sometimes ask people this:
"Have you ever tried to drink a cocktail down, and immediately puked it right back up all over yourself, and asked yourself what was more pressing: cleaning up or getting more liquor into your gut?"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 13
What bad memories really stood out to me:
One night, I hit a deer. No damage to my car, so I left, the next morning I met up with a friend and we drove by that location. Low and behold, I saw the poor thing laying in a nearby field struggling to move. All as a result of my bad decisions.
I remember twice being pulled over, and luckily once able to pass a field test probably due to a generous trooper, and another time due to luckily my cop friend being on duty and mentioning him. I've since those incidents I vowed to never drink and drive again.
The biggest and most contributing memories were all the loved ones I've lost due to the drunk personality that comes out. I can remember countless times I would have a girlfriend or simply talking to a girl I would call her at 2-3am to talk, or blow up their phone simply because I was drunk.
I hope in the future these fade, but they stand out as a memory of why I shouldn't drink, which at this point in time I need to remember.
One night, I hit a deer. No damage to my car, so I left, the next morning I met up with a friend and we drove by that location. Low and behold, I saw the poor thing laying in a nearby field struggling to move. All as a result of my bad decisions.
I remember twice being pulled over, and luckily once able to pass a field test probably due to a generous trooper, and another time due to luckily my cop friend being on duty and mentioning him. I've since those incidents I vowed to never drink and drive again.
The biggest and most contributing memories were all the loved ones I've lost due to the drunk personality that comes out. I can remember countless times I would have a girlfriend or simply talking to a girl I would call her at 2-3am to talk, or blow up their phone simply because I was drunk.
I hope in the future these fade, but they stand out as a memory of why I shouldn't drink, which at this point in time I need to remember.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Buggirl
Awesome post! I wasn't an all day drinker but I knew I was pushing it the next morning driving to work and would panic about hitting someone and being breath tested or a cop pulling me. I used to also avoid detection of my breath from work colleagues. Yesterday our top boss bumped into me in the morning and I thought, thank god I don't have to panic! I can breath! Such a relief and yes almost like you want them to smell your breath so as you can prove it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: united states
Posts: 44
i relate to so many of the experiences here! i had a ton of mornings where i'd have to look out the window to see if my car was there cuz i couldn't remember if i'd driven home or walked. my mom came to my apt once at 1am cuz she had a feeling i was drunk and i had work at 6am and she found me passed out in the driver seat of the car. =/
this weekend i was at the bar and i was going to drive my friends home, but i wanted to keep drinking more and have people over to my apt, so i gave their keys to someone else since they were trashed and went home and got destroyed, called a guy five times in a row to try and get him to come over and bang me.. woke up in the morning still hammered and out of cigarettes and took some food out of the freezer to go return at the store for money, pretty sure i made a huge scene and i'm never going back there..
my friend came and picked me up and bought me breakfast which i immediately threw up at her house, and what did i do then? went back to the bar to watch the football game.
the sad part is is that i'm still not convinced i can quit, by friday i know i won't feel as bad and think "it'll be different this time." ughhhh.
this weekend i was at the bar and i was going to drive my friends home, but i wanted to keep drinking more and have people over to my apt, so i gave their keys to someone else since they were trashed and went home and got destroyed, called a guy five times in a row to try and get him to come over and bang me.. woke up in the morning still hammered and out of cigarettes and took some food out of the freezer to go return at the store for money, pretty sure i made a huge scene and i'm never going back there..
my friend came and picked me up and bought me breakfast which i immediately threw up at her house, and what did i do then? went back to the bar to watch the football game.
the sad part is is that i'm still not convinced i can quit, by friday i know i won't feel as bad and think "it'll be different this time." ughhhh.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
