Memories from an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by tenspeedblender 
i relate to so many of the experiences here! i had a ton of mornings where i'd have to look out the window to see if my car was there cuz i couldn't remember if i'd driven home or walked.
the sad part is is that i'm still not convinced i can quit, by friday i know i won't feel as bad and think "it'll be different this time." ughhhh.
the sad part is is that i'm still not convinced i can quit, by friday i know i won't feel as bad and think "it'll be different this time." ughhhh.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 68
Wow. I thought it was my dirty little secret for years but some and possibly a bit more have done the same. I had drank so much and drove home that I vomited into an empty 16 oz plastic cup, while driving. That should've been my "bottom" but of course I was back at the drinking 2 days later.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Alberta
Posts: 4
I think one of the many hard things I encounter occasionally in my brief month + of sobriety is seeing the cashier sitting outside the liquor store and the awkward nodding and off putting conversation I now have with him stone cold sober.
Like many of us I drank daily, paying him a visit as one does a local Jamba Juice, he knew enough about my addiction to often help me transfer the vodka into a coffee thermos in winter or sport bottle in summer before I left the store. We never discussed my obvious problem, and from what I recall we had some interesting conversations about everything under the sun.
Boy, my routine was so regular he’d keep late hours to facilitate me if I couldn’t get to him before close (2am). He was tipped very well indeed. Here in Alberta a 1.5L of vodka can be had for fewer than 30 dollars, he’d keep the change. – This went on for years.
These days however I walk past him incredibly sheepishly, I feel an overwhelming amount of shame followed by anxiety when we pass, if we have to talk, I’m totally at a loss for conversation and keep it general. While he has never asked why I no longer come in for “medicine”, we always part awkward.
I’ve considered changing my route, then I remember why I chose that route in the first place, meters away from my front door – the other routes to the places I need to be are equally tainted with awkward memories, and he, as far as I can recall is the lesser of all evils.
Still, the shame is there, it’s very real, a reminder of that ME I am trying to understand.
Alcohol wove it’s self with my help into nearly every fabric of my timeline, he’s a face a reminder, I feel obligated to have those awkward chat’s.
Like many of us I drank daily, paying him a visit as one does a local Jamba Juice, he knew enough about my addiction to often help me transfer the vodka into a coffee thermos in winter or sport bottle in summer before I left the store. We never discussed my obvious problem, and from what I recall we had some interesting conversations about everything under the sun.
Boy, my routine was so regular he’d keep late hours to facilitate me if I couldn’t get to him before close (2am). He was tipped very well indeed. Here in Alberta a 1.5L of vodka can be had for fewer than 30 dollars, he’d keep the change. – This went on for years.
These days however I walk past him incredibly sheepishly, I feel an overwhelming amount of shame followed by anxiety when we pass, if we have to talk, I’m totally at a loss for conversation and keep it general. While he has never asked why I no longer come in for “medicine”, we always part awkward.
I’ve considered changing my route, then I remember why I chose that route in the first place, meters away from my front door – the other routes to the places I need to be are equally tainted with awkward memories, and he, as far as I can recall is the lesser of all evils.
Still, the shame is there, it’s very real, a reminder of that ME I am trying to understand.
Alcohol wove it’s self with my help into nearly every fabric of my timeline, he’s a face a reminder, I feel obligated to have those awkward chat’s.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: canberra act
Posts: 42
I was so used to drinking beer out of bottles that one time i a bar while on holidays after a fair amount of drinking as out of habit I lifted my drink to my mouth and drank. Unfortunately my mouth made the shape to drink from a bottle and I had a glass in my hand which didn't match up. So I basically poured a beer down my front all over my shirt. The two girls there saw the whole thing and couldn't stop laughing. I tried to pretend i was coughing. ..yeah right good cover up
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 236
jr71
You shouldn't hang your head with shame anymore. What an achievement for you to have sobered up after having such a strong addiction. I bet the storekeeper is looking at you with awe and admiration for having beaten this demon from your life.
Well done!
You shouldn't hang your head with shame anymore. What an achievement for you to have sobered up after having such a strong addiction. I bet the storekeeper is looking at you with awe and admiration for having beaten this demon from your life.
Well done!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Denver co
Posts: 29
I used to wake up in a terror every morning, hoping that I didn't post anything embarrassing online, or text people stupid incoherent messages. I was also covered in bruises all of the time, with no explanation as to how they got there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yup. Alcohol is evil. And it's literally insane the things we did yet keep on drinking.
JRT...Amp and Cleo are spot on.
You may not feel confidence yet about who you are. That's the key. It's WHO YOU ARE, not who you were.
You were somebody yesterday. You ARE somebody today. Today will be a memory later. You'll remember is as a great day, a crappy day, or an average day that just fades away from Memory. Any day we are not creating horrible memories like those posted here, is a great day in my mind. Even if I don't look back at it later.
I never want a day, any more, when I lol back at yesterday and have regret. Today I am making good decisions and rebuilding my life. Tomorrow, I will be happy for it.
JRT...Amp and Cleo are spot on.
You may not feel confidence yet about who you are. That's the key. It's WHO YOU ARE, not who you were.
You were somebody yesterday. You ARE somebody today. Today will be a memory later. You'll remember is as a great day, a crappy day, or an average day that just fades away from Memory. Any day we are not creating horrible memories like those posted here, is a great day in my mind. Even if I don't look back at it later.
I never want a day, any more, when I lol back at yesterday and have regret. Today I am making good decisions and rebuilding my life. Tomorrow, I will be happy for it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Originally Posted by Cleomie
jr71
You shouldn't hang your head with shame anymore. What an achievement for you to have sobered up after having such a strong addiction. I bet the storekeeper is looking at you with awe and admiration for having beaten this demon from your life.
Well done!
You shouldn't hang your head with shame anymore. What an achievement for you to have sobered up after having such a strong addiction. I bet the storekeeper is looking at you with awe and admiration for having beaten this demon from your life.
Well done!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
As I struggle through issues that are stressful, it reminds me of how much drinking would make these times so much worse. I would drink more than normal to deal with the stress. And all that would do is allow me to forget or ignore the pressing issues.
I would wake up the next day with severe anxiety and depression as a hangover, and still have the same stressful issues to deal with. So the solution was to drink to alleviate the anxiety. And the cycle would continue. None of my problems would be addressed. Only when the problems would blow up in my face and by then, things were MUCH worse. How would I get through it? Drink more.
Life is not always easy. There will always be stressful matters that need to be addressed. I am so thankful that I can deal with these issues now. Yeah...I experience stress and some anxiety. But I address the issue and they go away. Then I'm free of anxiety! Simple as that!
I would wake up the next day with severe anxiety and depression as a hangover, and still have the same stressful issues to deal with. So the solution was to drink to alleviate the anxiety. And the cycle would continue. None of my problems would be addressed. Only when the problems would blow up in my face and by then, things were MUCH worse. How would I get through it? Drink more.
Life is not always easy. There will always be stressful matters that need to be addressed. I am so thankful that I can deal with these issues now. Yeah...I experience stress and some anxiety. But I address the issue and they go away. Then I'm free of anxiety! Simple as that!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Originally Posted by Incontrol15
As I struggle through issues that are stressful, it reminds me of how much drinking would make these times so much worse. I would drink more than normal to deal with the stress. And all that would do is allow me to forget or ignore the pressing issues.
I would wake up the next day with severe anxiety and depression as a hangover, and still have the same stressful issues to deal with. So the solution was to drink to alleviate the anxiety. And the cycle would continue. None of my problems would be addressed. Only when the problems would blow up in my face and by then, things were MUCH worse. How would I get through it? Drink more.
Life is not always easy. There will always be stressful matters that need to be addressed. I am so thankful that I can deal with these issues now. Yeah...I experience stress and some anxiety. But I address the issue and they go away. Then I'm free of anxiety! Simple as that!
I would wake up the next day with severe anxiety and depression as a hangover, and still have the same stressful issues to deal with. So the solution was to drink to alleviate the anxiety. And the cycle would continue. None of my problems would be addressed. Only when the problems would blow up in my face and by then, things were MUCH worse. How would I get through it? Drink more.
Life is not always easy. There will always be stressful matters that need to be addressed. I am so thankful that I can deal with these issues now. Yeah...I experience stress and some anxiety. But I address the issue and they go away. Then I'm free of anxiety! Simple as that!
Not sure how I've missed your thread for all of these months, but great job Incontrol!
Resolutely Staying Sober ODAAT
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wyoming, USA
Posts: 103
God it sickens me to see myself in SO many of everybody's stories.
My worst "surprise" wake up was a few years back. I was in the Navy and I woke up completely naked in the bilge with absolutely zero recollection of how and/or why I was there and where the hell my clothes were.
If you don't know what a bilge is look it up, basically all of the water, oil, and nasty stuff you can find in an engineroom goes there, along with ****, spit, and many other nasty body fluids.
Was that enough to teach me my lesson? Or was my DUI? Or any of the thousands of other stupid decisions I made? Nope, I would be right back out the next night ready to make more stupid decisions.
At least when I finally woke up it was at an off time so I could run back to get some clothes covered in some fabric I found laying around with not too many people witnessing it. Sadly, with alcohol being such a large part of the old navy, I doubt anybody who saw me really thought much of that sight...
My worst "surprise" wake up was a few years back. I was in the Navy and I woke up completely naked in the bilge with absolutely zero recollection of how and/or why I was there and where the hell my clothes were.
If you don't know what a bilge is look it up, basically all of the water, oil, and nasty stuff you can find in an engineroom goes there, along with ****, spit, and many other nasty body fluids.
Was that enough to teach me my lesson? Or was my DUI? Or any of the thousands of other stupid decisions I made? Nope, I would be right back out the next night ready to make more stupid decisions.
At least when I finally woke up it was at an off time so I could run back to get some clothes covered in some fabric I found laying around with not too many people witnessing it. Sadly, with alcohol being such a large part of the old navy, I doubt anybody who saw me really thought much of that sight...
Resolutely Staying Sober ODAAT
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wyoming, USA
Posts: 103
Oh, and I almost forgot about the BAD 8" second degree burn on my left forearm that I do not remember occurring (same night as the bilge episode). All that I can assume is that in my drunken stupor I fell against a steam pipe and had to peel my arm off of there as it was cooking. At least I didn't burn something more important I guess is one way to look at it...When I finally made it to medical 10 hours later they asked why I had waited so long to have them take care of it. I told them it was because I did not think it was that bad, actually I did not want to get in trouble for being drunk and in an engineering space. It was so bad it almost made me sick to look at and the pain was excruciating. One of my many scars that I have no recollection of getting, but still have to look at everyday as a reminder of how bad alcohol is for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 259
I can absolutely relate to the "How was that even ME?"-feeling.
What would I would have considered as "just a funny drunk story" in my teens, became a dayly nightmare of insanity that I somehow took for more or less normal behavoir.
Falling asleep a couple of hours in the bathroom at work? Come on, anyone can make a mistake!
Falling down on the sidwalk almost breaking my neck? Well, anyone can have an accident.
Throughing up in an airsickness bag while still on ground? Ah, I should just have avoided that last shot.
Being woken up at the end station and not knowing if it's day or night or if you're going to work or home from work? Ok, that was a bit scary.
It became so normal for me to have all kinds of mess in my life, and I really believe no one else than a fellow alcholic can truely understand. With sober eyes, I am chocked to think how I lived.
What would I would have considered as "just a funny drunk story" in my teens, became a dayly nightmare of insanity that I somehow took for more or less normal behavoir.
Falling asleep a couple of hours in the bathroom at work? Come on, anyone can make a mistake!
Falling down on the sidwalk almost breaking my neck? Well, anyone can have an accident.
Throughing up in an airsickness bag while still on ground? Ah, I should just have avoided that last shot.
Being woken up at the end station and not knowing if it's day or night or if you're going to work or home from work? Ok, that was a bit scary.
It became so normal for me to have all kinds of mess in my life, and I really believe no one else than a fellow alcholic can truely understand. With sober eyes, I am chocked to think how I lived.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
As I prepare for this Thanksgiving...my first sober in IDK how many years, I'm reflecting a bit on those in the past.
I hated going to other people's gatherings because I wouldn't have my stash to drink between those drinks that everyone else saw.
Most of the time I wasn't with my family or friends mentally as I was too absorbed in thoughts about drinking. Can I top off now without anyone noticing, will they notice the bottle is missing some, has anyone else finished theirs and filling up...cause I'll be there too!
So much wasted mental energy. So much precious time with my family lost.
Other times, I'd be excited because I knew they had pain pills I could steal. Again...I was not available emotionally until I saw the opportunity to steal some. Then I'd be all talkative. Sometimes that wasn't until the end when others would leave and there was less people mulling around.
This year I have so much to be thankful for.
I am sooo glad that is over!!!!
I hated going to other people's gatherings because I wouldn't have my stash to drink between those drinks that everyone else saw.
Most of the time I wasn't with my family or friends mentally as I was too absorbed in thoughts about drinking. Can I top off now without anyone noticing, will they notice the bottle is missing some, has anyone else finished theirs and filling up...cause I'll be there too!
So much wasted mental energy. So much precious time with my family lost.
Other times, I'd be excited because I knew they had pain pills I could steal. Again...I was not available emotionally until I saw the opportunity to steal some. Then I'd be all talkative. Sometimes that wasn't until the end when others would leave and there was less people mulling around.
This year I have so much to be thankful for.
I am sooo glad that is over!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Incontrol - you've come a long way, well done!!!
One of my worst times was waking up in someone elses house, an hour from home on a work day and having a complete black out of the last 2 hours of the evening. Having to drag myself out of the house, walk the streets looking and feeling like utter **** and phone in sick. Scary stuff : (
One of my worst times was waking up in someone elses house, an hour from home on a work day and having a complete black out of the last 2 hours of the evening. Having to drag myself out of the house, walk the streets looking and feeling like utter **** and phone in sick. Scary stuff : (
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