Notices

feeling down and ready for change

Old 04-04-2015, 05:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
feeling down and ready for change

Hi, I have a binge drinking problem and I am realizing now that I cannot play this dangerous game any longer. When I drink, I drink to black out which actually doesn't take much and have found myself in some potentially dangerous situations.

Last night I was in Vegas with my friends and somehow got separated from them on the strip. I was in a blackout for 3 hours. I came to in a hotel hallway where I was knocking ona door trying to get in. I have no idea what happened in those 3 hours and it scares me to death. I don't know how I got to that hotel but I think I was confused and just thought it was mine. I can't believe I was even able to walk.

I feel so terrible right now but I can be thankful that I didn't get robbed or arrested. I'm trying not to beat myself up for this but I'm freaked out that I put myself in such a vulnerable situation. All I can think is that I was wandering around trying to find my hotel, but for 2 or 3 hours? This is so scary.

I now know that I need to do everything possible to make sure this will never happen again. I'm thankful that this situation did not end up worse than it was. This needs to be my bottom. At this point I am willing to go to aa if that's what i need to do to stay sober long term.

Have any of you had terrible experiences with a blackout? Honestly, that's the scariest feeling I've ever had. To know that I was upright and walking around with no recollection is insane. Anything could have happened to me and I'm thankful that i stayed safe.

This will never ever happen again. I know that it only gets worse.

Thank you for listening to me.
1983ritag is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 06:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,720
I'm really sorry to see you're stills truggling 1983ritag.

Yeah I had blackouts - the worst thing you can do is get used to them.

You're wise to stop now

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 06:06 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,046
Glad your here 1983 im so glad i dont have blackouts no more they were so horrible

Have you got a sober plan ? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 06:22 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
That's a great link. I need a plan, I don't really have one. I'm actually flying back home right now so when I get home I'm going to make one.

I've tried for so long to deny that I have a problem. I rationalize to myself that because I don't drink everyday, it's OK. I can't deal with this merry go round in my head any longer though. I know I need to quit for good.

I can go so long without drinking but it's so hard to quit completely. I feel like my life is going down a terrible path and I need to make a plan so I don't go further.
1983ritag is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 06:43 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,721
It's so good to meet you 1983ritag. I'm really glad you've joined us for some help and support. You're among people who know what you're going through - you never have to feel alone. I'm glad nothing bad happened while you were in a black out. Welcome to SR!
Hevyn is online now  
Old 04-04-2015, 06:46 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,679
I had blackouts too at the end of my drinking days and I agree they are the scariest thing ever. It still scares me when I think that there are hours of my life when I will never know what I did and what happened.

I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking.
Anna is online now  
Old 04-04-2015, 07:03 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
I feel scared and alone right now but I know there's tons of support waiting for me when I need it. I also know that with time, this feeling will pass.Thank you guys so much for the support. I'm not good about reaching out but I know that will be key to staying sober.
1983ritag is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 07:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Wow 1983, that's very scary! I know how you feel though. I had a black out several years ago and I woke up in a police car. I had gotten arrested for driving drunk & didn't know it until I came out of the black out.

Another time I woke up in the emergency room with no recollection of why I was there. It turns out I blacked out and went to some party with a bunch of strangers. They kicked me out of their apartment and left me for dead in the snow. If their neighbors hadn't come home when they did, I would most likely be dead.

Sadly, I have other stories of times I literally had to be a "detective" and look at receipts, text messages, phone calls I made etc. to figure out what I did that night. One of the things that I worried about most was being sexually assaulted. I don't "think" that happened to me, but the fact that I didn't know for sure...was terrifying!

I never ever want to experience a blackout ever again. I think my luck has run out! I'm so glad you want to stop. It WILL get worse. It's a dead end street. The end is death, jail or institutions. I can tell by your post that you are ready for a change! AA is awesome and you will get lots if support there AND from this website.
Serenidad is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 07:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by 1983ritag View Post
That's a great link. I need a plan, I don't really have one. I'm actually flying back home right now so when I get home I'm going to make one. I've tried for so long to deny that I have a problem. I rationalize to myself that because I don't drink everyday, it's OK. I can't deal with this merry go round in my head any longer though. I know I need to quit for good. I can go so long without drinking but it's so hard to quit completely. I feel like my life is going down a terrible path and I need to make a plan so I don't go further.
I never drank daily either...not even at the end. (Which wasn't very long ago) It was always every 2 to 3 evenings from about 4:30 to 10:30 p.m. at a pub. I would drink toxic amounts and spend tons of money and horrible things would happen. :-( There are many alcoholics that never drank daily. Your in the right place! I'm so glad you are putting a plan together when you get home and also glad you are safe and alive after your trip to Vegas. You can do this!
Serenidad is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 07:34 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
Thanks! I'm very thankful because it could've ended much much worse. Our plane landed and I feel better already just being home. I knew going to Vegas was not a good Idea, there's nothing for me there.
1983ritag is offline  
Old 04-04-2015, 10:27 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by 1983ritag View Post
Thanks! I'm very thankful because it could've ended much much worse. Our plane landed and I feel better already just being home. I knew going to Vegas was not a good Idea, there's nothing for me there.
It's ok...you have a new plan now. Don't look at the past...you can't change it...just learn from it. Your new life sober will be so much better! :-) Rooting for you!!!
Serenidad is offline  
Old 04-05-2015, 12:45 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Pouncer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
1983,

Write down now what you are feeling, explain the details of your last night. You will need to remind yourself of how bad it was or could get if you continue to drink. My journals have been very useful. At some point, all of us alcoholics tend to forget and try to convince ourselves that we can drink normally after we get some sober time under our belts.
Pouncer is offline  
Old 04-05-2015, 02:48 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,046
Your awesome 1983
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 04-05-2015, 09:35 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Good luck making your plan and with staying determined once the fear and anxiety from this episode has passed. x
Berrybean is offline  
Old 04-06-2015, 06:35 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
I've got a plan now, I'm going to start my RR book again when I get home this evening. A few years ago I was having a lot of problems with alcohol and coke and decided to call it quits. I tried aa but it never really stuck with me. I found RR helped the most so I'm going to get serious with that.

After my experience this weekend I don't ever ever want to drink again. I know that it's likely I'll forget those feelings eventually so I'm going to do everything to remind myself of the reasons I can't drink.
What a horrible experience and I'm so thankful and lucky that it turned out as well as it did. I put myself in a really terrible situation and I realize that things could've ended much worse.

I'm done trying to find out if I can drink again like a non addict. I give up.
1983ritag is offline  
Old 04-06-2015, 06:53 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by 1983ritag View Post
I know that it's likely I'll forget those feelings eventually so I'm going to do everything to remind myself of the reasons I can't drink.
If you are going to use Rational Recovery, then just make your Big Plan. Then you don't have to remember reasons you can't drink, you don't have to worry about forgetting your current shame and guilt.

All you just have to remember is you don't drink. And won't. Ever.

Good luck.
doggonecarl is offline  
Old 04-06-2015, 06:56 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
pray for strength
 
Verte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi ritag,

Seriously, I understand that heart ache, pit in the stomach feeling. Thanks for the reminder. One cold night a few years ago I bounced around a major metropolitan downtown area without my wallet, coat or phone while in a blackout. When I drink I have a tendency to run and I had run out of the place where the few people who knew me could help. How I returned to my hotel room is a piecemeal mystery. Scary stuff.

You are not alone. Luck does run out and it is best that we quit while we are ahead. It is 11 months sober for me and honestly, thinking of that blackout still chills my blood but I find solice in knowing that I know I cannot and will not ever put myself in that position again. Yay, no alcohol!

Glad you made safely home as well.

Verte is offline  
Old 04-06-2015, 08:09 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
1983ritag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support. Good job on your 11 months Verte!

I remember what an accomplishment that is and how much better my life was the last time I was sober that long.

It's really crazy how my mind got the best of me and I'd convinced myself that maybe I could handle drinking again.

Part of me wishes I'd never opened that door again but I guess it was something I had to do. I won't let this consume anymore of my life.
1983ritag is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:56 AM.