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Husband is an alcoholic

Old 03-31-2015, 01:50 PM
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Husband is an alcoholic

I'm new here, this is my first post.

OK so I don't drink, anymore. That is another story completely.

I'm here needing support to cope with living with an alcoholic. I am working full time, he is unemployed. I do most of the household chores after work, he does very little. I can live without him, my money, my house, etc....but unfortunately due to an odd law I must formally evict him. He has no where to go, no car, no money. Not really my problem, but we have kids involved, so I'm trying to try everything I can before going that route. I have accepted the reality that it may be the only successful option. I just see the smallest glimmer of hope for change and I'm determined to wait it out a bit longer.

In the meantime I need help developing boundaries/consequences to keep me feeling safe/sane. Currently I won't engage in arguments when he is drinking. I won't "follow" him if he leaves the room and insists I "hang out", dang it he left the room, not me. I won't put up his laundry, I don't do it for the kids why should I do it for him. I wont engage in sexual activities when he is drinking.

I feel like I need more boundaries. Can anyone give me suggestions for the things that drive me nuts????

-he complains I'm on my phone and won't believe me when I tell him I'm not
-he doesn't help with chores, how do I not do his dishes when I need the same dishes?
-he is rude, tells me to f off, threatens to lock me out of my room
-he borrows my debit card when I'm asleep to pay for things I've told him we can't afford, or I'll give him money to buy food and he comes out with food plus an item
-he wants to do social activities such as a concert, but I know he'll get drunk.
-if I tell him no to purchasing alcohol he has huge tantrums until I give in. I hate it! I don't want to buy it!. But how do I say no? He'll just take my card and get it. Even if I figure out how to hide the card, I don't want to deal with his tantrums.

Any ideas, suggestions are much appreciated.
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Old 03-31-2015, 01:59 PM
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My understanding of a boundary is to give you a proper framework within which to work. what you will accept....and what you will not. What will you do if you find yourself in unacceptable situations? Boundaries should tell you how to act in a given situation.

For example, with the social activities you mentioned - if you know he will get drunk, then you would never consider going out with him socially. Your boundary would be that you would not put yourself in that situation.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:33 PM
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Do you have a time table until your "glimmer of hope" becomes "this is no quality of life for me and my kids"?
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:33 PM
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Welcome 3070
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:50 PM
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Welcome to the Forum 3070!!
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:54 PM
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Welcome to SR. I don't have much hard advise, but you're in a volatile situation so I hope you're taking measures to ensure the safety of you and your children.
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:32 PM
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me and the kids are safe. the heavy drinking is after they go to bed, so they dont see the worst of it. i do have a bag packed in case we need to ever flee. i do not know where the line is to decide im done. there are step kids involved who we would not be able to see except via him. Their mom is a hostile improperly medicated alcoholic bipolar. giving up on him also means losing the skids. so i hold on a bit longer. i dont know where the exact line is. i do know im getting horribly close to it though.
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:34 PM
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Regardless of what you decide or when you decide, we are all here to help if and when you ask. You won't go through it alone!
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Old 03-31-2015, 03:39 PM
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Welcome 3070, sounds like a no win situation. You might want to check out the "Families and Friends of Alcoholics" section. You will find many on that forum with similar situations. Best wishes to you and your children.
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Old 03-31-2015, 04:10 PM
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Welcome to the family. You will get a lot of support on this site and also on the Friends and Family side
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think a good starting point could be to stop buying him alcohol which is basically enabling
-if I tell him no to purchasing alcohol he has huge tantrums until I give in. I hate it! I don't want to buy it!. But how do I say no? He'll just take my card and get it. Even if I figure out how to hide the card, I don't want to deal with his tantrums.
He will throw a few tantrums at the beginning but if you stick to your guns, sooner or later it will dwell on him that you will not buy alcohol for him and he will stop asking.

Maybe that could be your first boundary?
Boundaries are about you. You make them for your own well being (in that case you hate buying him booze and it makes you feel bad) not for the addict. Those are not threats, just facts.
Once you set up a boundary, it is also crucial to stick to it no matter what otherwise he will see it as a joke. Be firm and consistent and do not make it personal against him.
Just state calmly and firmly: I do not buy alcohol
Let him throw his tantrum and do not engage. He might take off and go get his own booze, fine...whatever. What is important is that you stuck with it.

Wishing you the best, I know firsthand how difficult it is.
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Old 03-31-2015, 04:51 PM
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carlotta.... assuming i dont buy it, how would he just go get it? he has no job/money. he would take my card costing me more money bc he doesnt price check for the best deal. do i give him an allowance? if so do i set it so he cant possibly afford the amount he drinks now? how do i set an amount? or do i just make him go cold turkey by not providing the money? and risk medical issues from the withdrawals??? he really has no way to get it if i cut off the cash. well his 1 friend who is over an hour away, but that wouldnt be a daily thing like it is now.
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Old 03-31-2015, 05:10 PM
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Be firm. Your next boundary that he violates start the eviction notice. He will not stop unless he knows your not going to be his doormat any longer.
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Old 03-31-2015, 05:12 PM
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If he gets withdrawals, you can always drive him to the hospital or call 911.
As long as you keep buying him booze or giving him money, he ll keep drinking. He has no incentive to quit: he lives rent free with someone who buys him his poison and he does not have to work.

If nothing changes nothing changes.

If you decide that you don't want to keep living like that, then you will have to start taking action. Sometimes change can be very uncomfortable.
Ultimately, it's your decision.

Check out the friends and family forum. you ll get more feedback there.
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:51 PM
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so i found the line i knew i was soooo close to. to finally find the words to honor my feelings is so empowering. we had another heated arguement and i shouldnt have engaged while he was drinking, but heck it helped me find the line. ive realized i really only have 2 choices as it stands- put up with his hurtful behaviors, or tell him he can only live here sobor. and that gives him 2 choices - get sobor or leave. But ive decided i will not support someone who hurts my feelings, gets mad when i point it out, blames me for the conflict and never apologizes or is accountable. yup there is the line.
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:52 PM
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Just be careful when you engage with someone who is drinking it is better to talk to them when they are sober. Be safe and once again, welcome to SR
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