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Old 02-28-2015, 10:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New here...still working on giving myself the title of alcoholic


I've been trolling the site for several days. I'm at 35 year old mother of 3. At this time I am now staying at my sister's home because my husband has a restraining order on me and I haven't seen my 3 kids in almost a week.

My story is very, very complicated, hence why I have not posted yet. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father who beat her. I was raised by my grandfather because my mother wasn't competent and my father was abusive. I still went with my father every weekend and witnessed his drinking and had to deal with his abuse.

I used to be a normal, moderate drinker with the occasional night out that I drank too much. I met my husband 9 years ago and he was having emotional affairs (texting other girls inappropriately, sending nude photos etc) 6 months into the relationship. That was when my drinking escalated. I should have left him but I didn't.

Since then I have endured multiple episodes of his emotional cheating and lying. I drank more. I kicked him out, we went to therapy, we got back together....round and round and you have 9 years of this. I blame him for my alcoholism and he blames me for his cheating (lack of sex from me). He has even joined sexaholic anonymous at the advice of our therapist. He went for several months before he decided he didn't have a problem.

Last Sunday, after I had realized that we need to separate because our relationship is toxic...I got drunk, blacked out and started an argument over the 3 guns he left out of the gun safe. This is the second time he did this in 2 months and he was warned the first time not to let it happen a second because I am anti gun and I have 3 kids in the house plus whatever friends they have over.

That night I blacked out and I guess started arguing over the guns. I ended up hitting him repeatedly and he called the cops. I resisted arrest because I was so scared. He now is living in my home (that I bought with my inheritance before we married). He's granted temporary custody of my kids and my home.

My daughters 3rd birthday is on Tuesday and I am not going to be with her. My son's 14th birthday is this Saturday and I'll get to see him for a few hours. I cannot believe where I am now. I am scared. I just want to go home, without him, and be with my kids.

Also, as an fyi he's even told the police I'm no danger to my children. I've never hurt them, yelled at them because of my alcohol. I don't even drink until they go to bed...which is not an excuse but a reason why I should be with my children.

I've attended 1 AA meeting as advise by my lawyer and will be attending 3 more before my trial. I am also getting back into counseling with the same therapist that treated us for our marriage problems. I desperately want to be home with my children. I will do anything to be back with them, without him in the home.
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Old 02-28-2015, 11:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My daughter too is not in my home because of drinking. I can understand marital issues as well. My wife and I have had many of them as a result of our alcohol abuse. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you can get your children back.

I am glad to hear that at least you are not in jail. Take all the advice your lawyer gives you.

Alcoholism is tough, no blame needs to be placed anywhere, get help!
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Old 03-01-2015, 01:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR I'm sorry to hear of your troubles.

I don't concern myself with labels. I just asked myself if drinking was causing problems in my life? My answer was yes so I knew I needed to stop.

Maybe put your energies into a plan for stopping drinking. that has to be the first step. once you stop drinking at least you can work on rebuilding your life and your situation with your children.

What is your plan for stopping drinking? I know you say you've attended 1 AA meeting as advised by your lawyer but what do YOU want? Do YOU want to stop drinking?
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Old 03-01-2015, 03:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR.

Your post mentions excessive drinking and the problems it is causing, but I'm not sure what your plan is with respect to alcohol. Are you trying to stop drinking and live a sober life?
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Old 03-01-2015, 05:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome.

Many people don’t like certain labels especially alcoholic. Fine, I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking and accept the fact I CANNOT drink any alcohol in safety, period.

Getting honest is not that simple for many of us as we avoid what can be painful. I needed to be aware of all the negative things that happened in the previous 5 years was any alcohol involved? The overwhelming answer was yes. With that thinking I realized if I stopped drinking I might not have so many jackpots.

The next step was to distance myself from the first drink and work on being sober one day at a time in a row. It works IF we work it!

BE WELL
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WHAT I USED TO CALL BOREDOM I NOW CALL SERENITY.
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I was an Alcoholic when I was actively drinking. Now I'm just a non-drinker.
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thepatman View Post
I was an Alcoholic when I was actively drinking. Now I'm just a non-drinker.
This.
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Old 03-01-2015, 08:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Many of us on this list come from deeply troubled childhoods.
My mother was also an alcoholic and very verbally abusive
and out of control in many ways while drunk.
She had sole custody of me and my brother, so I grew up with that as a role model.
I'm sorry for the pain that an alcoholic parent's abuse has given you--it also makes having
"normal" relationships very difficult.

In the end, however, my continued choice to drink was my own until I decided to stop.
It sounds like you have very good incentive to quit yourself here, but
unless you are doing it for you, to finally deal with the issues underlying the
alcohol abuse (or whatever you want to call it) and not for instrumental purposes
only like getting your kids and inherited house back, you chances of success are
quite frankly not as good.

You can absolutely do this and change your life for the better,
and that of your kids as well by having a sober mother, but the
question is are your ready to quit for yourself or just for your court date?

It is good you are posting and I wish you every success
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 03-01-2015, 10:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Forum MissDaisy!!
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You can call yourself whatever you wish. It boils down to whether or not you wish to continue to be that person any more.

You can even call it "That Person" for all intents and purposes. I don't want to be "That Person" any more.

Stop drinking and follow your lawyers advice.
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I wonder if you have decided to stop drinking? Do you recognize that alcohol is a huge problem in your life and is keeping you from your children? You can change this by getting and staying sober.
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi daisy, I can relate to your situation a lot. It looks like alcohol always been a issue in my family either if we grew up in it or we consume it. I am glad you are here.

Life is a strange thing when you do damage to yourself and others because of alcohol. Its going to take some time, but if you want to see your kids and get your life together. Keep going to AA and keep yourself sober.

I am still in my early sobriety, march 4th will be my 30 day milestone and since I been sober my husband and I been getting along so much better. It also helps him to understand the disease so he goes to Ala-non for himself but helps us in the long run.

Good luck and welcome to SR
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:32 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome msdaisy
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thanks all for the responses!

ReadyAtLast: I do want to stop drinking. I attended 1 meeting and am planning on attending 4 more before my court date. I even reached out to my old Therapist to resume Cognitive Behavioral Therapy asap. I know that my drinking problem is multifaceted and I have ALOT of work to do.

Nonsensical: I do not want to be dependent on alcohol anymore. There is nothing healthy about being dependent on anything.

Hawkeye13: I know that I have a lot of pain from my abusive childhood. I guess I was always destined to be in this position until I dealt with the pain. This is my chance to "fix" myself and become the healthy person I know I deserve to be. I'm not living right now, I'm hung over every day just going through the motions and this is not the person I am deep down. I'm a strong, optimistic person who has been through hell and back and I will get through this!
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Old 03-01-2015, 12:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I do not want to be dependent on alcohol anymore.
Does this mean you are planning a sober life (complete abstinence) or some type of moderation management?
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Old 03-01-2015, 12:47 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Nonsensical...That is a great question! I have no idea what I'm planning yet. This is my first time having to seriously deal with this. I am a huge thinker to a fault. I question everything and research the crap out of things to I can come to my own conclusion.

I've started attending AA knowing that the program does not believe in moderation. That once you are an alcoholic you are always an alcoholic. Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” I'm not sure how I feel about labeling myself something and believing that I don't have the power to change. I'm open to learning more about but don't know where I stand yet.

I am reading a book called "Recover" by Stanton Peele that uses the quote "Stop thinking like an addict and reclaim your life." This book is about changing the way your brain thinks and "reclaiming your natural personality". I'm only 3 chapters in but it seems to suggest that exercises, guided meditation etc can help you change the way you think and change your life from the inside out.

I'm also going back to Therapy because I know that my drinking stems from somewhere deep inside. I know this because it didn't get out of control until the point in my life where I stopped believing in myself. I need Therapy to sort out the mess in my head which in turn I hope will stop my self destructing behavior and teach me to love myself again.

I'm on this forum because I know that regardless of going to AA and reading and therapy I also need a support system that is pretty much around 24/7 that I can go to instead of wallowing in my own depression.

I am open to all my options and am even willing to possibly integrate them all into my life if I truly believe in them.
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Old 03-01-2015, 01:04 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Excellent choice MD! Most avoid the "A" tag because somewhere deep down they feel when everything else is fixed, a few normal drinks could actually happen. If that is NOT what you are thinking, then call your problem anything you want--the answer is still the same ABSTINENCE. Sobriety is progressive--stick it out till you feel that way.
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Old 03-01-2015, 01:27 PM   #18 (permalink)
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It sounds to me that you are prepared to do whatever it is you need to do to keep your children with you. My advice is to stop drinking alcohol, full stop. This may or may not be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but to prevent things getting any worse for you and your children, this is what you have to do.

Please please don't carry on drinking and therefore allowing the insidiousness of alcoholism to creep in and take more from you than you are prepared to give.

I speak from my own experience and am glad to say I am now over 2 years sober and am very very gradually getting back some of what I have lost through drinking. I am a mother to one wonderful daughter.

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Old 03-01-2015, 03:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Thank you feeling-good and anattaboy! I really am committed to bettering myself. No one should have to live with the shame alcohol can bring into their lives. This particular incident that got me to this point only involved my husband and not children but I am able to say that I cannot guarantee that if I continue down this path it won't involve my children. And as I'm typing I realize that it only physically involved my husband but the damage done and the fact that my kids haven't seen me in 7 days has hurt them. I hurt my kids. Thank god I get to talk to them everyday and even had my 13 year old sleep at my sisters with me last night.
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