ScottFromWI

It's already fallen apart Briar. You are in deep, deep denial of this. Read your post about your actions last night- he is very much aware of your problem. Your refusal to seek help is actually more of a burden, not less. Who do you think is responsible for your children when you are stumbling drink up your own stairs? He is dealing not only with his work issues, but also you not being available when you are blind drunk.

I hope your conversation with your friend from life ring sheds some light on the issues. I'd encourage you to share some of your posts here with your friend so they can see how deep into this you really are.

venuscat

Yes Briar, a to-do list. A very simple one. One that you can tick off as you go.
And then you can make one for tomorrow, and then you can make one for the coming week. It stops us from thinking so obsessively about everything (well, it works for me).

Sending you huge hugs!!! ♥

Briar

I cleaned like mad yesterday and am thinking of more things I want to clean and organize before I get sober. I don't want to do it in a dirty house, everything will bother me. Everything will feel out of control. I want everything clean and quiet and predictable.

venuscat

I understand where Scott is coming from, and I think you do too.
But I know you ~ clean is good. But the only way you can make anything predictable right now is to stay sober.

You need to talk to your doctor tomorrow love. You are going to need some help with this.

Briar

I feel panicky at every little thing I'll have to do sober. I can't bear the thought of having to make decisions and handle things, it all seems overwhelming. Deciding what to eat, what to wear, how to deal with my little kid, every little thing seems too hard. I don't want to think about any of it or feel anything.

venuscat

I know. But it will get easier. As I said, you need some help here. You need to talk to a medical professional love.

Briar

I will V, thank you. I have a prescheduled appt with my therapist on Tuesday morning. Everything's closed tomorrow as it's a holiday here, including my work, so I'll be home with my daughter. That gives me another day to figure this out. I think I'll try to sober up tonight and take sleeping pills so I will sleep. If tomorrow is a sober day, I'll be past the real discomfort by Tuesday, then I can talk to the therapist about what to do from there. I just need the house clean and dinner sorted out, and I need to talk to my friend, then I think I'll be okay. I need things to be predictable just for a little while.

venuscat

And in the meantime, stay close to us here love.
Sorry, I didn't know tomorrow is a holiday there.
But remember, there are always recovery counselling lines. (I will find the number for you again if you like).
Good counsellors with lots of experience to talk to about every aspect of withdrawal.
Please try to get every bit of help you can to get through this.

SoberLeigh

Please don't take those sleeping pills if you have been drinking, sweet Briar.

Briar

I know Leigh, I won't. I usually just take extra of my Seroquel. It's non-lethal.

Briar

Maybe I pathologize things that are perfectly normal. Is it reasonable to be overwhelmed by the life of a basic working mom? I don't know where I stand. Is it because I'm normal or crazy?

On the bright side, I'm on the cleaning spree to end all cleaning sprees. Maybe if I get this place clean enough I will be okay. We don't need all this crap. It looks much better in here. I need beach, but I don't have any, but there's crap in here that I can't scrub out.

Anyway, I don't think I'll get sober tonight, I have too much to do. My friend hasn't called me, he's famous for that, I need more friends. I could have talked to my husband this evening. He walked into the dining room and I was standing on the table scrubbing the ceiling. I know that looked crazy, but there was legit crap up there. He asked if I'm manic. I ignored him which means yeah probably. He nodded and left. I could have talked to him. I don't know what to say.

It's all coming undone.

I've got this on repeat, though it has no significance really:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImKY6TZEyrI

JadedGirl

It's reasonable to be overwhelmed full stop! Being sober is hugely overwhelming for us but u can do this. There's always new ways to try if something or even lots of things haven't worked before. Sometimes even if something hasn't worked the first second or even twentieth time there will be a time it will. Just keep trying no matter how long it takes. It's worth it and you can do it!!!! Xx

Briar

On to the closet. There's stuff in there we don't need.

Venecia

Oh, Briar.

We are hurting for you. We care about you.

There's never a simple or convenient time for inpatient. But worse would be to continue as is.

Sometimes fixing it all by one's self is such a high hurdle. Please do inpatient.

Briar

I know you guys think I'm crazy, but I do think if I can get everything straightened out here I'll be able to quit. I just need enough time to clean, I think I'll be good by tomorrow except that I need bleach for the bathrooms. And a new shower curtain, and there are dead bulbs in the dining room light fixture. So, I mean, I'm almost there. Everything's bothering me right now. I'll be okay when it's clean. It's finite. I only have a couple more things to do.

Briar

I know this looks crazy.

You just have to trust me.

brynn

Briar.....I used to sit in my perfectly clean, meticulously organized house and drink myself to blackout. I always told myself when everything's perfect THEN i can handle quitting.
Guess what? I kept drinking even after everything was clean and organized! I was the most organized alcoholic in the world!

I'm telling you this because I hear the desperation in your posts...I can see the wheels turning in your head. Ive been there and I know it's not fun! Please get the help you deserve, Briar.

Briar

Brynn I'm so glad someone understands my logic. I'm so scared I'm going to try to get sober and things are going to be out of control.

Now I'm inching into the territory of thinking I can't get it perfect, but at least I can have it shored up enough for my family to pick up where I left off when I'm gone.

I cannot be thinking this. I cannot be here.

This is bizarre. This is the same house, the same life I've been in all this time. I have moments when I walk around and it's like everything's normal. Then I sit down and think and it's like this.

venuscat

Gone? What do you mean?

Do you mean gone to detox? (I hope that's what you mean).

brynn

Briar...I had the same fear...but guess what I found out? I had more control when I got sober! THINGS were more under control when I got sober! It's really true!

Briar...where are you going?