Briar

I was just organizing the closet. I looked into it and saw all my clothes and shoes, and I f***ing broke down crying because I want to throw it all away. I want to erase myself.

venuscat

I don't want you to do that. None of us do.
You are a beautiful precious human being.
Alcohol plus all you go through with your Bipolar is making you feel this way.
You are loved and needed.

Briar

Oh god, V. I was an a**hole to have had a family.

Briar

This is like mega meltdown silent scream night.

venuscat

No love. It just all feels too much right now.
It can get better. You are a wonderful mum.
Your daughter is amazing.
You need some help to get better.
And you CAN get better.

venuscat

I survived mega-meltdown silent scream nights....I didn't think I could, but I did.
You can do this.
You need some help sweetheart.

Briar

I'm going to ruin her life

venuscat

You can get better. It doesn't have to be this way.
Do you have an emergency number for your therapist?

ScottFromWI

Only if you don't help yourself first. You have a choice. Get some sleep and call the doctor first thing In the morning.

venuscat

Or now; maybe your doctor has an emergency number.
But Scott is right...you need to sleep.
Will you call someone in the morning love?

Briar

Oh god you guys my mom talks with great disdain about her own mother who was clearly bipolar and, as my mom says, crazy as a s***house rat. She is adamant that her mother ruined her childrhoo. She was an alcoholic, she bled to death from a peptic ulcer.

My dad was also an alcoholic. He died from esophogeal cancer.

I keep thinking of how my mom talks about my grandma and how she's so resentful. I feel like I'm that mother.

I think of my dad and how pissed off I was at him in the years leading up to his death.

I don't want to be that parent you guys.

venuscat

You don't have to be.
You have a choice.
You have knowledge.
You have good medical people to help you.
Just do it love....get the help you need.

Briar

oh god you guys this was a huge f***ing mistake. I should never have gotten involved in a family. My husband and daughter and everyone else are good people.

I should have stopped this s*** a long time ago.

venuscat

Love, you can't think straight right now.
Vodka will do that.
You need sleep, and you need some medical help.
You can get better.
You can be an amazing mother and wife again.
I know you can.

Briar

Thank you V, you are so sweet.

I am beyond meltdonwn time. I don't know what comes next. I just want to walk. my husband won't abide because it's 10:30pm, but i'm thinking if I go out to pick lemons he'll be cool, then I can slip out the gate. I dont' know WTF I'm doing.

Maybe I'll just go to bed instead. I have no idea what comes next.

venuscat

Bed.
Not the walk.
PLEASE ♥

BadCompany

Sobriety is not an event, it is a journey. When you fall down, get back up.

Dee74

This place is full of amazing beautiful people Briar. Some of them are alcoholics or addicts and some of them are bipolar.

Some of them are my very dear friends and are the best parents I've ever known bar none.

You are not your mother or your mother's mother. You have a chance to turn things around now and be exactly that parent that you want for your daughter.

You must be getting tired of hearing me say this but you need help Briar - you need help for the bipolar and help for the alcoholism.

Whatever fear, whatever self loathing is holding you back - think of your daughter and your husband - they love and need you. You have many friends here who love you too and want only the best for you.

Even if you feel you don't deserve it, it's time...time to give another way of dealing with things a go, don't you think?

I also am leaving this link here - read it and please use it if you need help keeping yourself safe.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I was nearly dead once. I came back to life.

If I can do it, you can too - I've seen your mettle.

If you can't believe in yourself, believe in others' belief in you, for now

D