Shocked in AA meeting
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I don't focus on how OTHER people behave. I focus on ME. I tried "adding AA meetings" and didn't get much out of it. It was only when I added the AA program (sponsor, steps, service), did I get relief.
Just maybe this woman was trying to help you. Maybe try taking her advice. Maybe ask her to sponsor you.
When I am disturbed, the problem is me. What is good about that is I can do something about that! I can't change other people. I can only change me. And that is what AA does.
Glad you are here. :-)
Just maybe this woman was trying to help you. Maybe try taking her advice. Maybe ask her to sponsor you.
When I am disturbed, the problem is me. What is good about that is I can do something about that! I can't change other people. I can only change me. And that is what AA does.
Glad you are here. :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 230
Thank you all for your responses!
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by Luper 
I am pretty much a lurker not a poster here, but if I didn't have SR and all of the things I have read regarding your stories and suggestions, I would not be at 47 days today. I have tried many, many times to quit until I found this site.
I added AA meetings to my toolbox along with AVRT, RR, WFS, recovery books, etc.
I attend a small AA early morning group on Saturday and Sunday. There are mostly older gentlemen there and they are very supportive and kind. My problem is connecting with the women. I have always gotten along much better with guys I guess, as they don't bring all the drama and snarky crap up all the time. I mainly just go to listen and learn from these people as I have horrible social anxiety issues.
Well, for the most part, I have been able to just walk away from some of the things these women say to me. I am very quiet and hate confrontation. But in Saturday's meeting, this woman was there that has been sober for many years. She took me aside and LAID into me about only attending meetings on weekends and not sharing during the meeting. She told me I would never succeed in my recovery that way and that I needed to seek out other meetings and share my story. I was shocked! I honestly didn't know what to say. So, being the doormat that I usually am, I thanked her and left. I felt horrible and mad all the way home and was really craving a drink, thinking "what the hell?"
I thought about all of the things I have read here regarding different ways and tools to use for your own recovery process. I trust what you have all gone through and share. I called my best friend and talked to her, then I talked to my son. I didn't drink.
Now I am just questioning everything. I know I shouldn't let other people and what they say get to me, but I have always done that. I was upset yesterday and didn't go to the Sunday meeting. I really missed it. Guess I'm just lost today. I don't want to go to another group. I have made some really good sober friends there that I trust. And she is not the first one to say some things to me. Maybe it's me??
I guess by typing this I answered my own question. Just take the things that help me and leave the rest? Or just use the other tools I have and not go back. Maybe I am just too sensitive.
Please share any thoughts. And thank you for sharing your experience here because it really does make a difference!
I added AA meetings to my toolbox along with AVRT, RR, WFS, recovery books, etc.
I attend a small AA early morning group on Saturday and Sunday. There are mostly older gentlemen there and they are very supportive and kind. My problem is connecting with the women. I have always gotten along much better with guys I guess, as they don't bring all the drama and snarky crap up all the time. I mainly just go to listen and learn from these people as I have horrible social anxiety issues.
Well, for the most part, I have been able to just walk away from some of the things these women say to me. I am very quiet and hate confrontation. But in Saturday's meeting, this woman was there that has been sober for many years. She took me aside and LAID into me about only attending meetings on weekends and not sharing during the meeting. She told me I would never succeed in my recovery that way and that I needed to seek out other meetings and share my story. I was shocked! I honestly didn't know what to say. So, being the doormat that I usually am, I thanked her and left. I felt horrible and mad all the way home and was really craving a drink, thinking "what the hell?"
I thought about all of the things I have read here regarding different ways and tools to use for your own recovery process. I trust what you have all gone through and share. I called my best friend and talked to her, then I talked to my son. I didn't drink.
Now I am just questioning everything. I know I shouldn't let other people and what they say get to me, but I have always done that. I was upset yesterday and didn't go to the Sunday meeting. I really missed it. Guess I'm just lost today. I don't want to go to another group. I have made some really good sober friends there that I trust. And she is not the first one to say some things to me. Maybe it's me??
I guess by typing this I answered my own question. Just take the things that help me and leave the rest? Or just use the other tools I have and not go back. Maybe I am just too sensitive.
Please share any thoughts. And thank you for sharing your experience here because it really does make a difference!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by 24hrsAday
However, AA does not agree with anyone TELLING you>>> You MUST do anything.
He put rather a lot of "musts" in the book.
A.A. Recovery - 103 "MUSTS" IN THE BIG BOOK.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Luper, first of all I hope you don't let this discourage you from coming to another meeting that you enjoy and find helpful. Go next weekend!
I too am a supersensitive soul (which is one of the reasons I found the desensitization that alcohol provided so appealing). This situation would likely really affect me too. And I don't know about you, but even MIRecovery's remark about "spectator sport" would hurt my feelings and send me on an internal dialog of "but... but..." (just an example, I'm sure the remark was well-meant). Part of recovery for me is learning to deal with life and many of its unpleasant situations along the way. Learning to accept others as they are and learning to accept myself as well. (No self-deprecating "doormats" anymore please!) I find myself slightly out of my comfort zone more and more often and bettering myself in the process. I now have to deal with a lot of people and witness a lot of drama which I find exhausting. I'm taking it all as a learning experience. Easier said than done, but I think we can benefit from learning how to not let things affect us so much. Shrug things off in some cases, speak up back in others... We can keep hiding behind the quiet demeanor, but if it's affecting our lives negatively, we should try to work on it. Especially if we crave some connections and positive outcomes that may happen when we come out of our shell a bit.
I hope this is helpful. Take from it what you may.
I too am a supersensitive soul (which is one of the reasons I found the desensitization that alcohol provided so appealing). This situation would likely really affect me too. And I don't know about you, but even MIRecovery's remark about "spectator sport" would hurt my feelings and send me on an internal dialog of "but... but..." (just an example, I'm sure the remark was well-meant). Part of recovery for me is learning to deal with life and many of its unpleasant situations along the way. Learning to accept others as they are and learning to accept myself as well. (No self-deprecating "doormats" anymore please!) I find myself slightly out of my comfort zone more and more often and bettering myself in the process. I now have to deal with a lot of people and witness a lot of drama which I find exhausting. I'm taking it all as a learning experience. Easier said than done, but I think we can benefit from learning how to not let things affect us so much. Shrug things off in some cases, speak up back in others... We can keep hiding behind the quiet demeanor, but if it's affecting our lives negatively, we should try to work on it. Especially if we crave some connections and positive outcomes that may happen when we come out of our shell a bit.
I hope this is helpful. Take from it what you may.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Luper
Thank you all for your responses!
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
There isn't much fellowship in "lurking"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Hawks
I don't think that fits in at all MMB.
No where does the OP mention being accosted by a group of holy rollers.
She said the older guys there are friendly and kind.
One woman said, essentially, that it's a good idea to participate a bit more by getting up and sharing... Maybe a little forceful, but delivered from a place of wanting to help.
Petes post and the OP are chalk and cheese.
I'm baffled as to how you've drawn a parallel.
No where does the OP mention being accosted by a group of holy rollers.
She said the older guys there are friendly and kind.
One woman said, essentially, that it's a good idea to participate a bit more by getting up and sharing... Maybe a little forceful, but delivered from a place of wanting to help.
Petes post and the OP are chalk and cheese.
I'm baffled as to how you've drawn a parallel.
Luper, I'd ignore her and go about my business. 47 days is an accomplishment you should be proud of! Good for you for not drinking. xoxoo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by Hawks
One of the two guys who started AA wrote a book...you may have heard of it, it's called "Alcoholics Anonymous"
He put rather a lot of "musts" in the book.
A.A. Recovery - 103 "MUSTS" IN THE BIG BOOK.
He put rather a lot of "musts" in the book.
A.A. Recovery - 103 "MUSTS" IN THE BIG BOOK.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Please don't let this thread deteriorate into a program-bashing thread.
Luper, my suggestion is to stay away from any and all toxic people, at least during the early days of recovery. Focus on you and what you need to continue to stay sober. Don't waste energy in trying to figure out a control-freak's purpose.
Luper, my suggestion is to stay away from any and all toxic people, at least during the early days of recovery. Focus on you and what you need to continue to stay sober. Don't waste energy in trying to figure out a control-freak's purpose.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
AA is a program. It has tools and insight and practices that work.
AA meetings are made up of people - with all their issues, faults and quirks.
I hope you won't take this person's treatment of you to exemplify the program or what it has to offer.
I'm sorry you had that experience, I don't believe that was at all appropriate or in keeping with AA's purpose, principles or traditions.
Perhaps find another group, or just ignore that person, or if it becomes harassment, ask the meeting chair if you could speak with them after a meeting and ask for some support if an issue like that comes up again.
Nobody should be treated poorly like that. It may be that person believed they were trying to help. Your description sounds more like they were trying to take your inventory.... Which all of us who understand AA know; we can only be responsible for our own
AA meetings are made up of people - with all their issues, faults and quirks.
I hope you won't take this person's treatment of you to exemplify the program or what it has to offer.
I'm sorry you had that experience, I don't believe that was at all appropriate or in keeping with AA's purpose, principles or traditions.
Perhaps find another group, or just ignore that person, or if it becomes harassment, ask the meeting chair if you could speak with them after a meeting and ask for some support if an issue like that comes up again.
Nobody should be treated poorly like that. It may be that person believed they were trying to help. Your description sounds more like they were trying to take your inventory.... Which all of us who understand AA know; we can only be responsible for our own
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
[QUOTE=readerbaby71;4952440] I'm not surprised by your opinion though, as you do much of the same here on SR. [/QUOTE ]
Breaking News... This just in!!!
98% of Recovered Alcoholics are NOT professionally trained linguistics experts and a few of them will even give a non sugarcoated version of things from time to time.
We aren't sure about the other 2%... They won't talk to us.
Here is Bob with the weather.
Breaking News... This just in!!!
98% of Recovered Alcoholics are NOT professionally trained linguistics experts and a few of them will even give a non sugarcoated version of things from time to time.
We aren't sure about the other 2%... They won't talk to us.
Here is Bob with the weather.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Luper
Thank you all for your responses!
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
I do have alot of "me" to work on. I know in my heart that she really did mean well. I need to break down my walls and let people in. I do have some trust issues, and can be overly sensitive, so I really appreciate your comments.
however
I suggest being careful trusting people in AA. talkin the talk is real simple at a meeting. the rubber hits the road outside the doors and that's where the walk has to be walked and some truly are sicker than others in AA.
theres something in the BB:
We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by 24hrsAday
are you in AA Hawks? Ever hear of the AA preamble? and the only thing you need to be a Member?
IMO theres more to it to be a sober member, and I don't mean sober is in without drink. sober as in of sound mind, which happens by working the program. not just goin to meetings and not drinking, which I still haven't found in any AA literature that just those to things treat alcoholism and for myself wouldn't work. I had to do the footwork.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Pushy hardliners do more harm than good but please do not let her make you give up on AA. While she may have had good intentions, approaching a newcomer with 47 days and accosting them with high pressure tactics is out of line, IMHO.
Work your program on your terms. Eventually you will WANT to share but 47 days is VERY early in your recovery. I know that for me, sharing has helped me grow and let me describe my situation to other members so they know where I am coming from.
Keep coming back and you will soon be making some sober friends.
Good Luck!
Work your program on your terms. Eventually you will WANT to share but 47 days is VERY early in your recovery. I know that for me, sharing has helped me grow and let me describe my situation to other members so they know where I am coming from.
Keep coming back and you will soon be making some sober friends.
Good Luck!
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
I can't add much to what everyone else has said... I agree with them all. All I can say is I've had similar experiences with women in AA. I'm also a quiet, sensitive who has trouble sharing. I guess I'm just saying you're not alone... there are rude people everywhere. It's easier on the boards here to ignore people... they're not in your face like at a meeting. You answered your own question... do what works for you and don't worry about the rest. Hang in there! You're doing great. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Hi Luper - sorry that happened to you and obviously you handled it quite well. I don't go to AA so take what I say with a grain of salt -- but in all the different tools I've used, there have always been moments of 'what the hell?! Why is this person saying this? I don't need this C***'
Even here at SR, I've gotten responses or just generally read others posts that I really disagreed with but I'm glad I stuck around b/c he good advice has by far outweighed any negatives.
Sounds like you've found a good meeting, I hope you keep attending despite the negative reaction from one person.
Even here at SR, I've gotten responses or just generally read others posts that I really disagreed with but I'm glad I stuck around b/c he good advice has by far outweighed any negatives.
Sounds like you've found a good meeting, I hope you keep attending despite the negative reaction from one person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I've left many many many AA meetings feeling worse than when I went in. I've been told so many "truths" by well meaning AA members, and as a newbie at the time, I listened. Now I know those "Truths" are their truths, not mine. Some of those "truths" were things like "you have the wrong god as your higher power," "you're too happy to understand the seriousness of this," along with "you smile too much." HUH? "You don't share enough in meetings," "you share too much in meetings. " As a newbie, I was so confused. One lady like you've described would tell me over and over again that I was wrong. It didn't matter what I did or said, she would tell me I was wrong. If I washed the coffee cups after the meeting I did it wrong (her word) or I did it for attention instead of service to others, and if I didn't volunteer,. . .well, you get the point. She didn't just do this to me, and she was very prominent in that group, so we listened. When I asked her after a while why she said that, her response was that I needed to be torn down until I was a rag doll in the corner, then AA could rebuild me. Yeah, that wasn't helpful and I left AA for about 2 years.
So, yes, there are well meaning folks in AA who are really awesome people and are really there to help and be helped. And then there are bullies in AA (there are bullies in every aspect of life, so why would AA be different?) They may think they are well meaning, but I believe they push more people out of the rooms than help. Unfortunately, they don't come with nametags identifying who is who.
Since, I have found an AA group where respect is rampant. They are very serious about sobriety, but I haven't seen anyone act as a bully. I don't go often, but when I do, I am welcomed.
I'm really sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry I allowed it to happen to me, but like someone else said, I was trying to fit in and work the program by listening to others who had walked the path. This post is such a great reminder that people need compassion and respect, and that we need to choose our words especially to newcomers.
So, yes, there are well meaning folks in AA who are really awesome people and are really there to help and be helped. And then there are bullies in AA (there are bullies in every aspect of life, so why would AA be different?) They may think they are well meaning, but I believe they push more people out of the rooms than help. Unfortunately, they don't come with nametags identifying who is who.
Since, I have found an AA group where respect is rampant. They are very serious about sobriety, but I haven't seen anyone act as a bully. I don't go often, but when I do, I am welcomed.
I'm really sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry I allowed it to happen to me, but like someone else said, I was trying to fit in and work the program by listening to others who had walked the path. This post is such a great reminder that people need compassion and respect, and that we need to choose our words especially to newcomers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
BTW - my post wasn't intended to bash AA. I still go. It was just to relate that I've experienced it, too. Newcomers are trying to fit in, and need guidance. If I had found my current AA group first, I would never had left AA. ANY program that is working for you is GREAT in my book.
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