CAPTAINZING2000

Good thread relating to this topic


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...afraid-aa.html

esinger

When something makes me think I want to drink I do something else.

Hawks

He couldn't have, there were no meetings.

Bill came around to the meetings idea by at first, attending the Oxford Group meetings. Maybe Ebby later suggested them to Bill, after he took him through the Oxford Group tenets at the hospital.

Aren't we lucky we can make that suggestion of AA meetings to newcomers now.

Most of the really hard work (building AA from the ground up) has already been done for us.

The only thing we have to do is be willing to take the suggested program / steps.

It has been presented to us on a silver platter, the Pioneers were even good enough to write a book about it.

Lucky lucky us

Stayingsober72

Alcohol or no alcohol, we as humans are entitled to have boundaries, and this woman had no right to say those things to you. He'll, I'm only 18 days sober and super sensitive right now, and if someone came up to me like that right now they would get some very unkind words in response. You have the right to stick up for yourself. If someone said something like that to your son, what would you say to them? AA or the grocery store, you don't have to take treatment like that from anyone. Tell her to mind her own business. This is *your* life and *your* recovery and you will do it as you see fit. Also, I have been to about twenty meetings in the past week, and I have noticed a lot of people, by their own admission are dual diagnosis and on psych meds. Some people are just plain crazy and AA ain't gonna fix that, so take what she said to you with a grain of salt. Big hugs.

FeenixxRising

Luper, this is my personal experience with AA.

I stopped attending AA meetings because of this type of behavior. In my experience, controlling and inappropriate people were fairly common in AA. Many members were not positive. Instead, they spent too much time telling me how and why I was going to fail if I did not follow their directions.

Some people state that all organizations have people like this; however, I believe AA has more than their share of controlling people.

It's my opinion that these type of people are not helpful; that they are petty tyrants who wanted to control certain aspects of my life. Some AA members will defend these people and their actions, and I also find that to be problematic.

In the end, I knew that if I continued with AA, I would either have to contend with the members with control issues, or I would have to stop AA together because.. I decided to stop attending AA because I didn't care to spend emotional energy fending off or ignoring the busybodies. I'm glad I did, as I've never felt better or more at peace.

Dee74

Time for the reminder again folks

Anna & I really don't want to remove posts or close things down, so please be responsible with your sharing.

I think this is a human problem, not an exclusively AA one.

D

Hawks

"the only real failure is the failure to try"

"we tried to carry this message to alcoholics"

This concludes my input.

Mcribb

People always said that to me. They mean well. I have gotten pretty heated before. Take the good and leave the trash. People are judgemental.

24hrsAday

another old saying in AA is some of us are sicker than others.. for myself i always try to Remember that.. along with (no matter how long i've been sober) this sobriety thing is only one day at a time.

Fly N Buy

Luper,

I suppose reading these posts the point has been made that there are over zealous folks everywhere!!

My 4 months of that program starting with the first letter of the alphabet has been good. I guess it varies a lot by group is what I get here.

I wish you the best and may become a lurker here for awhile myself! Too much heat for this guy trying to stay stopped.....

My ignore list is growing.

Peace to us all
Fly

2muchpain

Tonight I did something at an AA meeting I rarely do. I shared. I shared something that was important to me. I didn't care about what others were going to say or their attitudes towards me after saying what I said. It has taken me years in AA to get to this point and it wasn't easy. I have been a people pleaser all my life.
I go to meetings to help keep me sober. I occasionally share to keep myself sober. My being concerned about what other people think of me will only lead me back to the liquor store like it has many times in the past.
People have criticized me many times at these meetings and I ended up not going. That didn't work out well.
I have learned that the only person that needs to believe in me is me. The power to stay sober is inside me. Why give that power away to other people. When people give me a hard time, they are just trying to take that power away little by little. It just weakens my resolve to not drink. And this doesn't just apply to meetings.
On the other hand, I gain power through interactions with positive people throughout the day.
Probably doesn't make any sense but this just occured to me so I figured I'd share it. John

miamifella

My sponsor told me that I was not in the program to make friends. This was the best advice I got from him. Go to meetings if they help you, but leave right after and limit your communication with group members. That way you will minimize the necessity of dealing with people like this woman.

A lot of people want to make AA into a social club. But you do not have to join that club to do the program.

Nuudawn

My only input here is that I too really only attend one meeting a week. I have found both a community and a sponsor within that group. I have in the past been at other meetings where I felt "accosted" as you did with other folks telling me how to work my program. Thankfully, someone else in program reminded me that is IS my program..not theirs. One of the reasons I decided to return to AA is because well..I have a problem with unsolicited advice..I often get "reactive" and freak right out. It was something I wanted to work on. Folks can say whatever they want..but its up to ME whether or not its right for me.

Heartcore also alluded to the fact that AA is a great place to work on your boundaries. I concur.
It's YOUR program. If you are getting something out of those meetings..please don't let one pushy broad keep you away. It's her opinion..big deal. You don't have to make it yours. I do know for me though...finding a good sponsor relationship has been helpful. I am still building mine actually..but having a go to person is helpful when struggling...

BUT I also have that in SR. I am grateful for both SR and my what I have found in AA program. I personally need both..I have determined that for my program. There are probably some in AA who would disagree.
Who cares. It's not their program of recovery. It's mine.

Wastinglife

Tell her to mind her own business. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I never got into AA myself but I can see how it helps others. I just can't get past the holding hands in a circle and praying crap. Just not me.

Spinach

To the OP.
Go back and when you share, perhaps bring the conversation up and say how much you have gained by going to your Sat and Sunday meetings. No need to name names.
Good luck John.

Joe Nerv

When I was only a week or 2 into the program, a seemingly respected guy who was sober about 5 years started talking to me. He asked me a handful of questions, and then asked, "Are you gay?". And he didn't use the word gay, used something that I'm pretty sure would get censored here. I didn't quite get why he was asking that, but said no. He went on to tell me that then I should lose the ear ring I was wearing at the time (it was a small diamond stud). Gave me a short lecture on how sobriety is about change, and that I needed to change the person who was out there if I wanted to stay sober.

Oddly enough, this guy actually turned out to be a pretty good guy who's still sober, a friend of mine today, and has helped thousands of people. He's a character for sure, and everyone in Bklyn AA/NA knows his name... but that isn't the point. The point is that he was completely out of line with his question and opinion, but years later it's something I laugh about. To think what would have become of me had I allowed that one idiotic experience drive me out of the rooms, or even taint my view of AA. As sick as I was, I realized that this was an individual thing, and this guy's issue. On top of everything else, there was some truth twisted into what he said. His opinion on my ear ring was idiotic, but the message behind his suggestion was on the money.

I would do my best to not let this woman get to me. Even if it meant taking her advice just to shut her up . I do think one of the most beneficial things we can do to ensure a lasting, contented sobriety is push our comfort zones. If I only did what I was comfortable doing when I got sober I don't think I'd have accomplished a whole lot. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be sober actually.

Grungehead

One thing I have learned over time by going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps is how to deal with people that push my buttons -- well-intentioned or not. When I first got to AA I too felt intimidated by those who came up to me to tell me what I must do in order to stay sober. In hindsight may of them were correct, but they picked the worst possible way to approach a scared and confused newcomer like myself.

Finding a few members I felt I could trust really helped me in the early days. By early days I mean the first 3-6 months or so until I had rebuilt a little bit of self-confidence. By then I had developed a relationship with a sponsor who took me under his wing and started to teach me how to live sober.

I have tried the lone-wolf approach (which is my natural instinct to do) and I have tried allowing others into my life and accepted their help (which is very uncomfortable for me to do). The lone wolf approach didn't work as I was relying on myself, which is how I ended up in AA in the first place. I am still an introvert by nature, but by allowing others to help me, however uncomfortable, has changed my life.

Overit23

Luper, if the meetings work for you stick with what works and the next time someone tells you what you should be doing maybe you should repeat to that person what you just posted. If when and when your ready you will share your story no set timeline on this...what matters most is your sobriety~doesn't matter how you get there just stay there

"Belief in self is greater than disbelief from others"

WritingFromLife

Luper--I had social anxiety for multiple reasons--it is a HUGE step just to walk in the door of an AA meeting if you are experiencing this. It gets better. Problem is, some of the other folks in the room may not understand this--some expect you to just dive right in. With SA, we have to take baby steps, and with time, we will feel comfortable enough to share without going into a full blown panic. (speaking for me, here)

I had to enforce my boundaries, and also waited till I was MORE comfortable (but not completely! you will never get there unless you step out of your comfort zone. ) to share.

EDIT: to Luper--I think I misunderstood somewhere in the thread--I thought you mentioned social anxiety and now I don't see it! So sorry if I misinterpreted your experience!!!

Ken33xx

I agree 110% on the benefits of learning to live outside one's comfort zone.

Unfortunately, for those new to AA the "Get-in-your-Business" type member can easily push them out the door.

AA is a program of attraction and personally I find nothing attractive about toxic people who push themselves on you under the guise of "helping."