Unsure as to where I stand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
It has now been thirty days since many of you suggested I abstain from drinking for a month and see where I am afterwards. Here's what I've learned:
I do have a very strong tendency to drink. I have thought about drinking every day, in a variety of moods. I drink as an escape, a reward, and a self-harming punishment. Red flag.
My relationship to alcohol is definitely that - a relationship - and it is different than most people's. I have feelings of fondness towards drink and drinking; perhaps love, even. I think of it positively, but why? What has it given me? Drinking has given me none of my recent accomplishments, sobriety has given me all, but the way I regard them is the opposite. Red flag.
There have been many opportunities for me to drink over the last month, and I'm sure if I had engaged I would have ended up in many situations that were unnecessary, stressful, or embarrassing. I don't always get into trouble when I'm drinking, but when I get into trouble I'm always drinking. Red flag.
Part of my brain is trying to convince itself that I don't have a problem, since things never got really bad. But if that were the case, why would I be posting here? If it actually weren't a problem...it wouldn't be a problem. I have an addictive voice that tries to justify, rationalize, minimize, exaggerate. I lie to myself about me and my drinking. Red flag.
Looking at all of this, I am now much more sure of where I stand. If I keep drinking, I will become an alcoholic. It's not a matter of if, but when.
The only conclusion I can rightfully come to is that drinking and I have to be done, for good.
Thank you all so much for your help and encouragement. On to month two.
I do have a very strong tendency to drink. I have thought about drinking every day, in a variety of moods. I drink as an escape, a reward, and a self-harming punishment. Red flag.
My relationship to alcohol is definitely that - a relationship - and it is different than most people's. I have feelings of fondness towards drink and drinking; perhaps love, even. I think of it positively, but why? What has it given me? Drinking has given me none of my recent accomplishments, sobriety has given me all, but the way I regard them is the opposite. Red flag.
There have been many opportunities for me to drink over the last month, and I'm sure if I had engaged I would have ended up in many situations that were unnecessary, stressful, or embarrassing. I don't always get into trouble when I'm drinking, but when I get into trouble I'm always drinking. Red flag.
Part of my brain is trying to convince itself that I don't have a problem, since things never got really bad. But if that were the case, why would I be posting here? If it actually weren't a problem...it wouldn't be a problem. I have an addictive voice that tries to justify, rationalize, minimize, exaggerate. I lie to myself about me and my drinking. Red flag.
Looking at all of this, I am now much more sure of where I stand. If I keep drinking, I will become an alcoholic. It's not a matter of if, but when.
The only conclusion I can rightfully come to is that drinking and I have to be done, for good.
Thank you all so much for your help and encouragement. On to month two.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Great post DoubleFelix! You have seen that sometimes you have to discover the truth for yourself and find your own answers. A break from alcohol has given some clarity and perspective on the problem relationship you have with it. As the old PSA said, knowing is half the battle!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
I'm at three months sober, as of yesterday. I've done a lot in things I thought I couldn't do in this time, things that would not have happened if I had been drinking. It has been a big period of growth and exploration for me that I will continue.
One small example of insight/change - Two weekends ago I went to a good friend's wedding. I caught one of my first glimpses of the freedom of sobriety that is often mentioned here at SR at the reception. I went with my partner and one of my best friends. There were two well stocked open bars - both my partner and friend drank a bit, and we all had a great time! As I was waiting at the bar for my second ginger ale of the evening, halfway through the night, I realized that if I had been drinking it would've been my third, fourth, fifth, maybe sixth trip back to the bar by this time. Suddenly there was that freedom - I could see it clearly! By staying sober I was able focus was on my lovely friends and not what I was going to drink next. This was a big change from the last wedding I attended, and I'm so grateful for it.
So, I know that sobriety is the right path for me now, having experienced it directly for a small chunk of time. I get in my head that it works for me and is the keystone for the future I want to create for myself.
Regardless, I have a part of me that is still constantly trying to convince myself that, y'know, maybe I can still drink? Cause things were never "that bad"? (except they were). I understand that this is my AV, which really helps to know - but I am frustrated by it. I am definitely not securely in a place of complete acceptance yet, though I trying my best to work towards it. I'm assuming that this is just a matter of effort and time.
A few months back I wrote: "Looking at all of this, I am now much more sure of where I stand. If I keep drinking, I will become an alcoholic. It's not a matter of if, but when."
I still believe that I will not drink, but I've come to realize that "alcoholic" is not something I become but that I already am. It is simply how my body has always interacted with alcohol from the beginning. The only thing that has changed is the severity of the symptoms. This dawned on me while reading Under the Influence by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham a little while back. That book had a profound effect on me and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about alcohol/ism.
So, lots of feelings here at three months. Happiness, sense of accomplishment, loss, sadness. Lonely but trying to make new friends. Have had thoughts of attending an AA meeting near my house, but haven't made it there yet. Huge thanks as always to all of you here at SR.
One small example of insight/change - Two weekends ago I went to a good friend's wedding. I caught one of my first glimpses of the freedom of sobriety that is often mentioned here at SR at the reception. I went with my partner and one of my best friends. There were two well stocked open bars - both my partner and friend drank a bit, and we all had a great time! As I was waiting at the bar for my second ginger ale of the evening, halfway through the night, I realized that if I had been drinking it would've been my third, fourth, fifth, maybe sixth trip back to the bar by this time. Suddenly there was that freedom - I could see it clearly! By staying sober I was able focus was on my lovely friends and not what I was going to drink next. This was a big change from the last wedding I attended, and I'm so grateful for it.
So, I know that sobriety is the right path for me now, having experienced it directly for a small chunk of time. I get in my head that it works for me and is the keystone for the future I want to create for myself.
Regardless, I have a part of me that is still constantly trying to convince myself that, y'know, maybe I can still drink? Cause things were never "that bad"? (except they were). I understand that this is my AV, which really helps to know - but I am frustrated by it. I am definitely not securely in a place of complete acceptance yet, though I trying my best to work towards it. I'm assuming that this is just a matter of effort and time.
A few months back I wrote: "Looking at all of this, I am now much more sure of where I stand. If I keep drinking, I will become an alcoholic. It's not a matter of if, but when."
I still believe that I will not drink, but I've come to realize that "alcoholic" is not something I become but that I already am. It is simply how my body has always interacted with alcohol from the beginning. The only thing that has changed is the severity of the symptoms. This dawned on me while reading Under the Influence by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham a little while back. That book had a profound effect on me and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about alcohol/ism.
So, lots of feelings here at three months. Happiness, sense of accomplishment, loss, sadness. Lonely but trying to make new friends. Have had thoughts of attending an AA meeting near my house, but haven't made it there yet. Huge thanks as always to all of you here at SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Four months as of yesterday!
Working on learning more. This month I read a couple different books on drinking and sobriety - Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol by Ann Dowsett Johnston, The Thinking Person's Guide to Sobriety by Bert Pluymen, and Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. Also tried Note Found in a Bottle by Susan Cheever but couldn't relate much and didn't get through it. All of 'em were good and helpful reads but Knapp's book was incredible. Whole passages that are so accurate and honest that they crash over you like waves. Her courage is immense. I'm so grateful for Miss Knapp and that book. I'm sure it's helped loads of people feel less scared and alone.
Had my first sober Halloween since I was teenager. Went to a party with my partner and some friends. The thoughtful hosts had seltzer out with all the alcoholic drinks. Just having something to hold in your hand makes a reaaally big difference, doesn't it? Woke up on Nov. 1st hangover free for the first time in years.
Still trying new activities and hobbies, things I definitely wouldn't be doing if I were drinking -
I've started learning Spanish. Right now I'm reading Harry Potter books in Spanish while listening to the Spanish audiobooks. This is cool cause connects spelling with pronunciation, and most words get into a context I already know and understand. It's fun! Harry Potter helped me learn to read English at age 10 it can probably help me learn Spanish at age 24, right? (¿verdad?)
I've also joined a gym and bought myself a sewing machine with the money I've saved from not drinking. I worked out a bit during my so-called "controlled drinking" days but it's a lot easier to progress now that I'm sober.
I know how to sew a few basic things but haven't made a quilt yet so I think I'll try that.
Haven't attended AA yet but check in here at SR every day. Between SR and reading books I feel I have a pretty strong base to work from. The other day I was feeling pretty down and entertained the idea of drinking - I was alone, hungry, and blue - so I cruised around here instead. Just reading for a bit reminded me of what I stood to lose and gain if I drank. Urge passed quickly. I've also become a bit worried over my mother's drinking, but I think I'm gonna post about that in a separate thread later on.
Thanks to all who read this and/or reply. Sharing these monthly updates really really helps.
Working on learning more. This month I read a couple different books on drinking and sobriety - Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol by Ann Dowsett Johnston, The Thinking Person's Guide to Sobriety by Bert Pluymen, and Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. Also tried Note Found in a Bottle by Susan Cheever but couldn't relate much and didn't get through it. All of 'em were good and helpful reads but Knapp's book was incredible. Whole passages that are so accurate and honest that they crash over you like waves. Her courage is immense. I'm so grateful for Miss Knapp and that book. I'm sure it's helped loads of people feel less scared and alone.
Had my first sober Halloween since I was teenager. Went to a party with my partner and some friends. The thoughtful hosts had seltzer out with all the alcoholic drinks. Just having something to hold in your hand makes a reaaally big difference, doesn't it? Woke up on Nov. 1st hangover free for the first time in years.
Still trying new activities and hobbies, things I definitely wouldn't be doing if I were drinking -
I've started learning Spanish. Right now I'm reading Harry Potter books in Spanish while listening to the Spanish audiobooks. This is cool cause connects spelling with pronunciation, and most words get into a context I already know and understand. It's fun! Harry Potter helped me learn to read English at age 10 it can probably help me learn Spanish at age 24, right? (¿verdad?)
I've also joined a gym and bought myself a sewing machine with the money I've saved from not drinking. I worked out a bit during my so-called "controlled drinking" days but it's a lot easier to progress now that I'm sober.
I know how to sew a few basic things but haven't made a quilt yet so I think I'll try that.
Haven't attended AA yet but check in here at SR every day. Between SR and reading books I feel I have a pretty strong base to work from. The other day I was feeling pretty down and entertained the idea of drinking - I was alone, hungry, and blue - so I cruised around here instead. Just reading for a bit reminded me of what I stood to lose and gain if I drank. Urge passed quickly. I've also become a bit worried over my mother's drinking, but I think I'm gonna post about that in a separate thread later on.
Thanks to all who read this and/or reply. Sharing these monthly updates really really helps.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Wow, DF, four months is awesome ! 
I've seen you around but not read your original posts until today as I've only been here since October.
You are truly an inspiration, you've just got on with it with no fuss, amazing !
I've seen you around but not read your original posts until today as I've only been here since October.
You are truly an inspiration, you've just got on with it with no fuss, amazing !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Just wanted to post to say I'm at six months as of yesterday.
Half a year! It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't joined the community here. I don't post as much as I'd like but I read when I can and it makes a big difference.
I've started seeing a therapist that I feel comfortable with like Butterfly suggested (if you're reading this, thank you!) and am working with my mental/emotional issues.
Feel like reaching six months has given me more confidence in my sobriety. My sober muscles are getting stronger. It is easier to say "no" to drink offers.
I can now say "I'm an alcoholic" to myself and accept it. I haven't said it aloud yet though. Everyone now knows I don't drink but I'm scared of the reaction "alcoholic" would get.
And speaking of muscles, my progress in strength training has progressed enormously in comparison to when I was drinking and working out. This has been really important for me. It makes me feel like my body is really healing itself and moving forward, and now I cherish my good health as opposed to risking it unnecessarily.
There are daily struggles, of course. I still feel alienated in most social settings and I'm still struggling to find sober friends that are my age or at least have shared interests. I spend most of my free time at the gym or reading books I've picked up at my job at the library. I know I have a very strong tendency to self-isolate. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell when I am protecting my sobriety or just self-isolating and it scares me.
I often think of quotes of Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story. One I am thinking of now is:
"You're always after that insurance, always mindful of it, always so relieved to drink that first drink and feel the warming buzz in the back of your head, so intent on maintaining the feeling, reinforcing the buzz, adding to it, not losing it." (57)
There are definitely days when I crave the warming buzz until I remember the pain involved in not losing it. These 180 plus days have been me getting my mind and body back from this obsession, bit by bit, moment by moment.
Half a year! It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't joined the community here. I don't post as much as I'd like but I read when I can and it makes a big difference.
I've started seeing a therapist that I feel comfortable with like Butterfly suggested (if you're reading this, thank you!) and am working with my mental/emotional issues.
Feel like reaching six months has given me more confidence in my sobriety. My sober muscles are getting stronger. It is easier to say "no" to drink offers.
I can now say "I'm an alcoholic" to myself and accept it. I haven't said it aloud yet though. Everyone now knows I don't drink but I'm scared of the reaction "alcoholic" would get.
And speaking of muscles, my progress in strength training has progressed enormously in comparison to when I was drinking and working out. This has been really important for me. It makes me feel like my body is really healing itself and moving forward, and now I cherish my good health as opposed to risking it unnecessarily.
There are daily struggles, of course. I still feel alienated in most social settings and I'm still struggling to find sober friends that are my age or at least have shared interests. I spend most of my free time at the gym or reading books I've picked up at my job at the library. I know I have a very strong tendency to self-isolate. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell when I am protecting my sobriety or just self-isolating and it scares me.
I often think of quotes of Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story. One I am thinking of now is:
"You're always after that insurance, always mindful of it, always so relieved to drink that first drink and feel the warming buzz in the back of your head, so intent on maintaining the feeling, reinforcing the buzz, adding to it, not losing it." (57)
There are definitely days when I crave the warming buzz until I remember the pain involved in not losing it. These 180 plus days have been me getting my mind and body back from this obsession, bit by bit, moment by moment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
I want to apologize for not updating in so long. Life got busy - but in a good way.
I reached my one year of sobriety 12 days ago on July 12, 2015. This would not have been possible without all the encouragement, support, and advice I have received from you all here on SR. I am so thankful for it, and hope I can contribute and help others, here and offline, in the same way.
In this past year I have moved to a new city, gotten in and out of a toxic living, held a job I actually like, maintained going to the gym four times a week, volunteered in my community, started seeing a therapist and an acupuncturist, and the biggest one for me - fundraised and saved for a surgery I've wanted/needed for almost a decade. [I'm a transgender man who just got surgery on my chest last week. If this confuses you, that's okay, I encourage you to Google!
] I had surgery on July 13, one day after reaching my one year. All of this has been hard but worth it. My sobriety has the foundation for every other goal I've pursued or accomplished.
If you had asked me a year ago if I thought this could happen in a years' time I would have said no. It would have been unimaginable. If I've learned anything, it's that unimaginable things start to happen when you work hard, be honest and kind, and ask for help.
Moving forward I hope to finally give AA a try, and depending, work the steps. Thanks again to everyone for all the support.
I reached my one year of sobriety 12 days ago on July 12, 2015. This would not have been possible without all the encouragement, support, and advice I have received from you all here on SR. I am so thankful for it, and hope I can contribute and help others, here and offline, in the same way.
In this past year I have moved to a new city, gotten in and out of a toxic living, held a job I actually like, maintained going to the gym four times a week, volunteered in my community, started seeing a therapist and an acupuncturist, and the biggest one for me - fundraised and saved for a surgery I've wanted/needed for almost a decade. [I'm a transgender man who just got surgery on my chest last week. If this confuses you, that's okay, I encourage you to Google!
] I had surgery on July 13, one day after reaching my one year. All of this has been hard but worth it. My sobriety has the foundation for every other goal I've pursued or accomplished.If you had asked me a year ago if I thought this could happen in a years' time I would have said no. It would have been unimaginable. If I've learned anything, it's that unimaginable things start to happen when you work hard, be honest and kind, and ask for help.
Moving forward I hope to finally give AA a try, and depending, work the steps. Thanks again to everyone for all the support.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
WOW!! You are pure inspiration, DoubleFelix.
Please post more often. I look forward to reading about new developments with how you find the f2f support - this has been something that I look forward to adding in my life as well. We all have a lot of good things to learn from you.
Congratulations on the positive life changes you have brought to yourself!!
Please post more often.
I look forward to reading about new developments with how you find the f2f support - this has been something that I look forward to adding in my life as well. We all have a lot of good things to learn from you.Congratulations on the positive life changes you have brought to yourself!!
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