Verte

Tetra, let's say hypothetically that your Mom is, in a muddled way, coming from a place of love that is laced with fear and guilt. Let's say she is not going to change, yet her mode of communication causes you great stress and anxiety.

Imagine that you could have a conversation with a 'guilt filter'. Every time a guilt trip or unhelpful verbalized thoughts began streaming from her consciousness into your conversation, thus muddling her true message, a little 'beep' would spare you the experience.

A call from your Mom might sound like this: "How are you doing? I'm doing beep...beeeeeeep...beep...beep. And your Dad...beep...beep...beep. We love you...beeeeep...beep...beep...beep."

Pretty soon you would realize that you just do not do guilt. Tetra, you have got to get your guilt-filter on. No need to grind yourself into the ground. Now, building yourself up is a great idea. Talk with someone supportive soon.

In the meantime, can you just tell yourself and your parents that you just do not do guilt? Hugs to you.

tomsteve

you can stop kikin yerself in the arse over this as you didn't have anything to do with yer moms holoday being ruined. yer mom is responsible for how her holiday went and she chose to allow herself to have a ruined holiday.

tetra, you can get and stay sober and have an awesome life but yer gonna have to put in the footwork. and ay don't have to do it alone. there are people out there that can help you learn how to live life sober but they cant do it for you.
getting sober was the hardest thing I ever did. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.

staying sober has been easy and well worth every second of fight.

ScottFromWI

Take small steps to improve things that you can control. Like not buying anymore booze. Or seeing your therpist/going to a meeting. Doing those small things that are under your control will solve many of your problems.

Things you CANNOT control are your parents actions or thoughts. Over the time you've been here it's very obvious that your relationship with your mother is stressed at best, leaning toward toxic. Much of your drinking has centered around events/actions/associations with your mother. Honestly stepping away from that relationship might be a good idea for a while if you can. You cannot change how she acts, how she thinks, what she says regardless of what you do. And you never will be able to no matter how hard you try. Perhaps just taking a break would be best?

Tetra

My dad is coming home.

I did have a long chat with a friend of mine tonight and she was glad I told her.

PurpleKnight

Tetra, did you manage to get some sleep last night/this afternoon??

You've been in my thoughts all day!!

Tetra

Do you ever just feel like a total loser?

PurpleKnight

Sometimes, but your family it seems is making you feel those things, start listening to SR, we think you are awesome, re read all the posts on this thread!!

Dee74

I thought I was a total loser because my family told me for 40 years I was.

I'm not - and neither are you Tetra.

Just my opinion here but I think it's really time for you to spread your wings, quite frankly

You need to not only stand on your own two feet, but be learn to comfortable with doing so, and to be ok in your own solitude

Grab your life and start living it Tetra
D

Tetra

I had another relapse today. This is now day one and my mom wouldn't talk to me on the phone tonight.

Dee74

Why are you drinking, Tetra?

D

Tetra

I don't know. I'm drinking water now. I had a long chat with my friend tonight. She said she knew that I am not myself.

MsJax

Tetra, I feel your parents are manipulating you. I went thru that sh@t for years (from a very influential grandparent) and it is terribly unhealthy. YOU are not responsible for how they are feeling. Forget that for now.

Get sober. Stop this now. There is no excuse. I have followed your whole story. You are a wonderful lady and now is your time to be sober for you. Not for parents, or gran, or anyone else. For you, because you know it is the right way to life.

You are not a loser and you know that. I'm glad you had a friend to talk with. I think that's healthier than sharing relapses with family. You are very loved here on SR

Dee74

You wouldn't be the first person to drink because you were too scared and overwhelmed to do anything else.

I think you need help - outside independent help - Tetra - but noone can help you until you decide to help yourself.

I know it's scary but you can't drink this away.

I think you need to decide what you want, as distinct from what your parents want.

D

Sasha4

Tetra I wish you could fully see the situation you are in with your parents.
I don't think you are looking at it in the right way and see it how the rest of us see it here.

If you relapse and have a drink, you are not duty bound to tell them.
If I was you I would tell them nothing more from now on - not just drinking, but anything that has an impact on your life.

Be pleasant, be friendly and be polite, but find someone else to confide in.

Your mum does not seem to have the right coping mechanisms to deal with this which is why she says hurtful things and makes threats about homes and ruining her holiday.

Why not go stay with your grandma for a while or your aunt for a couple of days.

I think the way they treat you is like a naughty child.
In this case, it seems like you acted like a naughty child in that the minute they left the house, you had a sneaky drink, but you felt guilty so you had to confess.

Are you any nearer moving out?
Could you rent a room in a house?

You need to find ways to deal with your parents.

If it was me, number 1 I would not tell them about a tiny relapse.
Number 2 I would remind them of my age and that no I will not be doing things they way they see fit, I will be doing things the way I want to.
Number 3 I would confide in other people who can support me better than my parents.

I have a younger sister and a mum and dad.
But I mostly choose not to confide in them and ask for advice as it leads to rows and arguments 99% of the time. My parents are old fashioned and my sister is a spoilt pampered princess.

I tell them what I want them to know and nothing more.

Why did you feel you had to confess all to your parents?

Our conversations and interactions are at a very simple level - the weather, whats for lunch, the latest news but nothing more.

Thats because I am in control of my life, not them.

I am civil with them and I present myself as okay and getting on with life. Thats the image I want them to have of me.

At the moment that could not be further from the truth.
I'm sad and I find life hard work.
But life would be even harder work if they became involved, offered their opinions and checked up on me 24/7.
Thats why I would rather not go there with them, but talk to other friends who are not as involved in the situation.

Families can be hard work.
Why make them harder work by acting like you do and letting them have such a huge impact on your quality of life.

I wish you would just get up and walk away and make a life for yourself. I am convinced that away from the ridiculous hysterical behaviour that your mum resorts too, you would be so much happier.

Can you not just try and get any job and get away from them?
Flip burgers for a living, waitress, clean if it means you can regain control of your life and move out and act like a 30 year old woman should. Work 2 or 3 jobs if you have to.

I'm not surprised you have the thoughts you do when you have so much free time on your hands.
If you got busy and worked towards renting your own place, you might entertain drinking less and have less time to be pushed around by your mother and her words would be not be as upsetting if you are not around for her to dish them out.

Please Tetra, start moving forward and breaking these ties that make you so unhappy.

Sasha4

I agree so much with this.
I want to live my life how I see fit.
I don't want to live my life the way my parents expect me to.
For me, their world is too small. It centres on the local paper, the weather, people that park badly, people who use bad language. The fact so many people have tattoo's.
That is not for me.
I want to experience life on a much larger scale. I want to take more risks. I want to be more carefree. I don't want to be consumed by who is parking too close to my house or if it will be sunny one day in August.

Me and family don't have to fall out about it, and I respect that is they want to be, but I will make choices that make me happy rather than them happy.

RevivingOphelia

I am not understanding WHY you are telling your parents when you drink? Can you please answer that? I've looked but I don't see the answer (unless I've missed it). Why did/do you need to tell them when you drink especially when they weren't even around to know? Their knowledge, and subsequent hyberbolic reactions, of your relapses are not helping at all.

You need to severely limit your communication with them (especially concerning if/when you drink--but I hope you just stop!) as your relationship with them is so dysfunctional and definitely toxic and inhibiting your growth as an adult as well as your recovery.

I really hope you can find some independent strength to carry on as a sober adult without their interference. Sometimes one has to cut ties with people, including family--even if it's for a short time--in order to become a healthy and functioning adult.

RevivingOphelia

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Tetra

They knew that I had a few drinks by my voice on the phone.

ScottFromWI

It doesn't matter if they knew or not. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. What is it you would like to accomplish for yourself?

KissMyTiara

You need to figure out why you are drinking. Why did you pick up after 8 months? Sounds like your parents are a catalyst. As long as you continue to live with them it's going to be hard to stay sober. Not saying you can't but it just makes it more difficult.

You are a 30+ woman. You shouldn't be living at home. You are a child there. You react like one to your parents as if you were. It sounds dysfunctional and you aren't maturing and growing up. You are scolded and made to feel guilty.

I know that sounds really blunt. But that's how I see it.

Tetra, you need to get out and on your own. HUGS