2muchpain

Yes, I am back with my best friend who has been waiting for me for a while. I picked up a 12 pack and a pint of vodka, and it feels like I am home, much like being on a vacation and coming home and relaxing. It's comforting being home, knowing what to expect and not depending on anybody else to make this happen. Sure, I know this is temporary, I've been through this before. But for now, I'm very mellow, my mind has slowed down, I am no longer beating up on myself for stupid stuff and kicking back. I know hell is coming if I continue this, but i will deal with that when it happens. SR is great and has helped more than I can say, but some personal support would be nice. It would be nice to be able to have sober friends to drop by to hang around, but that's not possible in my world, and AA doesn't provide this. I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself. I accept my situation the way it is, and it's not all that bad. Much better than most, and I am grateful for that. I believe hard work, being stubborn and focused, along with any support you can get will get me through this.

Tetra

I don't know what to say except we're here for you

Dee74

Hi 2much

Not sure what responses you want, to be honest.
That's a pretty provocative post to post in a Newcomers forum.

I can *guarantee* you tho if you keep going back to the old solutions you'll get the same old results.

What about taking a stand for yourself and your well being and dumping the rest down the sink?

what do you think is stopping you from trying other solutions?
D

Anna

I'm sorry you've made the choice to drink.

One thing I know for sure, is that alcohol is not your friend. It masquerades as your friend in order to destroy you.

Amazingglazier

I'm sorry you chose to drink too 2much, you know what the outcome will be. You talk of support but even when offered you don't grasp it. Hope you get back up soon! PM's are not face to face , but are all I can offer to you now. Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby

Verte

If sober friends in real life is truly what you are pining for then my only suggestion is to make it happen. Work it, work it, work it. I'm not sure what the circumstances are which prevent this but the search for true friends who might drop by occasionally is an effort worthy of your energy and time - being a true friend to yourself is an essential beginning.

least

I'm sorry you're drinking again. I hoped you would stay sober. We're here when you need us.

heath480

How sad 2much,that you have chosen alcohol instead of sobriety.

I hope you make a decision to stop doing this,it only gets worse over time,never better.

Mountainmanbob

We have been here before with you
seemed you wanted to stay sober
many here including me
have offered a hand of support
about all we can say at this point
hope someday you will find
a true desire to stay sober
for it has been well noted
drinking seems to depress you

as they say in AA
keep coming back

MM

Raider

This post makes me sad. I'd like to have a big ol' drink right about now....but 95 days is a long time to toss out. So I'll hang tough for today. Good luck.

BHappy2014

Your post saddened me. Hope you dump the rest out. Nothing about alcohol feels like home to me. It is like a backstabbing friend. Hope you get back.

rove27

Sorry to hear that you chose to drink again. After reading some of your posts over the last few months, I get the impression that you expect others to fulfill your emotional needs, either here or in AA. The problem is that others will never meet all your expectations because they are human. I see that since you feel that you cannot depend on people, you turn to alcohol, as your so called "friend".
You will continue to be stuck in this rut, unless you learn that YOU can be your own best friend OR your own worst enemy. And alcohol is not your friend.

jdooner

Of course your feeling sorry for yourself. I hope you find what your looking for. Here is a hint it's inside you not at the bottom of the bottle or can.

Shining~Again

gonna prolly have a bit of regret writing this (oh say 5 second regret. I move on quick):

Ya know...over the years I've seen people come here begging for a phone call, a meeting up locally....it's just not a good thing to do online. So - ya get what support you can here, but then you MUST get out there, with real people in the real world...IF that is what one needs and you have mentioned this before.

This means, man - you have to do some leg work. AA? No...I'd never suggest after someone said "not cool with that", to go that route. Am not a believer in badgering someone since it's the last thing that would work on me.

To find friends, similar interests type peeps, ..you gotta make a change towards something that fulfills you. I don't know, honestly, many people that do group support. I myself have made new friends, got new hobbies..and I did that since I am NOT a group person or someone who feels comfortable typing on a forum my most personal deepest thoughts and fears. I can, in the interest of helping someone, yet I cannot do it in the interest of helping myself. Thus, I had to change things up.

So many different things work for many different people.
hell, I have been seeing a lot from Karate lately just on eating different. A HUGE thing, that dearly loved Carol used to talk about a lot here (suger issues). What we eat...for some of us....has a HUGE effect on how hard cravings can be. HUGE. HUGE HUGE.

Some join a gym. Some start writing a memoir. It's summer in the states...endless opportunities to do something different.

lastly I notice you seem to really want someone there, a constant. 24/7, that would not let you down. Kind of like a person you can "tap" all the time, but verbally versus here on a forum.
Since yer here tho'....try to help youself better than how you have in the past.

This would mean replying to the good stuff that's posted towards you. It would mean PM's, bonding with people..etc.

If you are truly stubborn and focused, show me. Show us. Show yourself.

You are worth it.

Cheers

Notimetoloose

Ahh, ya know, at first when I read your post I was "NO are you serious!" but the truth is I get it...it is addiction and it is a entity on its own and it will get us to do thing that will put us in an early grave if we give it the power....An early grave does not sound like home to me.

You have written many times about the loneliness and lack of sober company as a trigger and I have to ask what have you done to change that...did you join any meetup groups, do any local volunteering?

Friends don't just fall out of trees in our laps, it usually is a process..you are an intelligent smart person with a lot to offer and a loveliness about your posts, I am sure there would be a lot of people out there that would value your company.

I am sorry that your are drinking, I made 6 month sober yesterday, the longest in a long time, I have no idea why but the triggers have been everywhere for the last week but the truth is it is all in my head, a mindset.
Change your mindset and there will be nothing about alcohol that will feel like home.

ScottFromWI

To be blunt, not only are you feeling sorry for yourself, but you are using it as an excuse to drink. You will find support here always....but you won't find justification to drink, ever. And I think you know that or you wouldn't be here telling us. Pour out the rest and chalk it up as a lesson learned.

Hevyn

Surprised and worried for you 2much. Please be careful.

cusper

I think rehab would be something you should consider. Rehab will not only help you with withdrawals, they will also have group meetings and experts who will help you and people that you might connect with. Then maybe a sober living facility so you can learn how to be in the world sober still with help. In the end it is your responsibility to have a great life. That means doing everything you can for yourself. This forum is amazing for support but still it's only you who is going to make it happen.

Pondlady

Very sad post. You sound lonely, but alcohol isn't your friend.

Sunflower92663

You just described the way I feel to a tee! I could have written that myself.