CaptainPolaris

Yeah... Ah....Pretty painful to read, no? Wow! Sorry guys. I must have been pretty angry last night.

ontherightpath

CP, I posted earlier how much u have helped me with your posts. This is one of them. Without a recovery group and faith like no other, when sober I appeared to have it in control, bit my mind was a sloppy mess. While drinking the facade was gone and I was a mess. It wasn't always like that, until it was.

The charade of having it all together was very very exhausting for me.... It broke me.

God gave me two babies, two whispers saying to me that my lifestyle needed to change..... And in the long run it didn't. I spent a lot of time angry at the world because my husband didn't approve of my drinking..... And so I kept drinking. Of course I changed my patterns to better suit my lifestyle, but the end result was the same.

The mind of an addict is powerful. We believe things that's aren't true just to get our hands on what we think will make it better, with every ridiculous excuse in the book.

Get yourself better before a baby comes along. Please. I beg of you to see this from the agency's point of view. Put yourself there. A child's love is like no other, but a drunk mom can't see it for what it's worth, trust me!!!!!!

Change4good

Don't be sorry. We have all been there. Just hope you consider what has been offered. Folks here want to see people healthy and happy. We have your best interests in mind.

christimc

Don't be sorry! One thing I've learned from this group of people here is they tell u like it is but all with love I'm sending love and light your way sweetie.

Aellyce

Hi CaptainPolaris,

There are two major aspects that strike me from reading this thread.

1. I relate to your OP. All that thinking of being unbreakable. It lasts. Until it's all broken, and then we need to re-evaluate the whole of our reality.

2. Cannot relate to the baby theme, but I have a friend who's walked a truly scary walk. Lady with MS, struggled with serial losses of pregnancies and births during over a 15 year period. On surface, she seems like the most wonderful, most compassionate person one could meet... Besides trying for a baby, she took up show dog breeding as a hobby. She tells me stories about all those dog pregnancies, births, litters... like how she apparently never sleeps for weeks when one of her female dogs gives birth because she needs to take care of the babies.
She just recently, finally, had a baby of her own, via IVF (they tried IVF many times before this success). Lots of complications, though.

Without going into details, I don't think that the baby has resolved any of her problems, physical or emotional. I think it will be a difficult long term story for all involved.

Please, CP, think about this carefully. The responses on this thread are quite insightful, please listen!

GreenEggsAndHam

CaptainPolaris, I'm curious if you ever had any grief counseling?

I made a friend in rehab whose daughter was murdered at 19 and five years later she is still extremely angry and uses to numb the pain. At the urging of our addiction therapists she is also seeking out grief counseling. Just something to consider if you haven't already.

Oh and (hugs). I know it's hard to sober up and read the things you've said the night before. I had to stop reading my messages, texts, posts from my drinking days. Too humiliating.

CaptainPolaris

Thank you for the responses and for being so understanding. What I posted last night, well, that was a very rare occasion. I am in a much better position than I appeared. I do not know what that was all about, but please believe me, I am not as bad as I came across. Im pretty confused by the whole thing actually.

ScottFromWI

Hopefully you can find help here and elsewhere to overcome not only last night but the issues that you have been dealing with since your "incident" at the party. I noticed you mentioned opiate addiction last night as well which wasn't part of any of your original posts, as well as the fact that you've actually been drinking since the party. The combination of both of those can certainly cause some major problems ( as I'm sure you are aware as a physician ) - both physically and mentally. Please seek help here and there, getting you back on track is of utmost importance before anything else can get better.

Carlotta

Why don't you make today Day one and join us at the 24 hours club where we commit not to drink or drug for the next 24 hours? Before you know it, those days do add up.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-welcome.html
I will also join the others in suggesting that you get grief counseling. I hope you will consider going back to AA and following their suggestions:
Come in a bit early, get some numbers from other women, say your name and that you relapsed and need help. Be honest and willing and work the steps starting with step one right now.
Like I told you in another post, you will find a lot of support on SR if you want to quit drinking and for your grief.

sugarbear1

seems you might want to take a better look at how alcohol is creating blackouts, jekyl-hyde personality, and that it may be affecting your profession much more than you realize.....

xa-speakers (Dr.) Paul O. take a listen.


you only had 3 years of sobriety, that isn't a very long time in sobriety compared to the number of years we drank......


get back t

Carlotta

This is your AV talking, you are in deep trouble with your alcoholism right now but the good news is that you found this site and as long as you try to get honest and recognize that little voice which tells you you are not that bad, that the people in meetings are whining idiots, that you can drink at a party etc.
This voice is not you, that's your addictive voice, the voice of your alcoholism and it is full of it.
If you truly want to quit drink, learn to recognize it and start being honest with yourself.

Anna

I hope that you take a good look at how the alcoholism is affecting your life. Denial is a big part of alcoholism and most of us have been through that. But, in order to recover, you need to accept what is. We do understand how hard this is, and please know we are here to support you.

huntingtontx

Hi Captain, I am glad you are still with us. It is a journey we are on, and there are hills and valleys. Some do need more help then others, but we are all in this together. I have found so much positive support here, and am able to just keep walking on. The fact that you are still here says you really want to put this all behind you. Hang with us, and if you need to sound off, feel free. We are here for you. I wish you well, and know we are all here if you need us. Being sober is worth working for.

deeker

You don't know what that was all about?

What you posted last night was while you were drinking No?

If you keep drinking what you say and do that you are apologizing for will not be a
rare occasion. You will be saying many things that you will be apologizing for to
your family, your friends, and to that new baby if you adopt him/her before you get
a foundation in recovery.

And if you "Got this" then "Get This".

Put the drink down, you "Got This" right? Or do you "Got This" some day in the future?

If you are still drinking then you Don't "Got This". And to say I just need a baby.

You are not ready for a baby. You need to work on yourself right now!

That is what you need to do. Get yourself to an AA meeting or counseling and start getting
some recovery not just abstinence.

With all due respect Doctor

Holli

Wow, Dee, ANOTHER quote I use all of the time, we seem to be on a similar notable quotes wavelength! Freaky. :-)

CaptainPolaris

I understand what you guys are saying. Don't let what I said in here last night color your opinion of me, please. Just to be clear, I know I mentioned in a post about having a dx of opiate dependence. I don't know why I disclosed that. I wasnt thinking I suppose. Im truly not in as bad of shape as I may have appeared last night... Not with drinking and certainly not with painkillers! I gave the wrong impression.

Carlotta

This is not about impressions. The facts are that you are an alcoholic/addict in a relapse and that you are in deep trouble. Your ship is sinking in a river of denial captain

Fandy

CP, I think that you are not what you are projecting yourself to be.

tomsteve

as I read through yer replies in both of yer threads, captianpolaris, one word keeps goinf through my head:
delusional-having false or unrealistic beliefs or opinions; maintaining fixed false beliefs even when confronted with facts.
it is delusional to say there is an opiate dependence then saying you aren't in as bad as shape as you were last nite.
if you have an opiate dependency( addiction) and are drinking, you have a serious problem.

i hope you can see theres a LOT of people here clean and sober who have tried to live in denial. they know how well that didn't work and are tryin to help you see the denial you are in.

yer an MD with an opiate dependency?