CaptainPolaris

Ive already been through rehab... It didn't work. As long as I can work... We will be ok. Remember I was sober for years! I didn't fall off the wagon until March 22

Venecia

It's late. Go to bed.

I encourage you to revisit these posts in the clarity of a new day.

EndGameNYC

If you're drinking right now, CP, then none of what you're being offered here will be of any help to you. If so, it might be wise to shut it down for tonight.

In either case, attempting to solve our problems by having a baby is equivalent to mistreating that baby in advance. And when you come to realize that your baby doesn't solve your problems, things will only get worse.

You can't or won't acknowledge the neediness in yourself, so you're pushing people away who want to help you. You seem to pull for criticism, even abuse, in your comments. Instead of shadow boxing, it might help to allow yourself to take in what people who are concerned are offering. Many of us have been where you are. Though the exact circumstances are different, the feelings are very similar.

You're a doctor. You must know that no one who refuses help can be healed.

Dee74

There used to be a Mod here named Carol. She used to say the best gift you can give a child is a sober parent.

I'm not a parent either, and never will be, but I really believe that.

Please - don't look to a child as the answer to all your problems.
That's way too much responsibility for a kid.

We're meant to be parents to our kids - not the other way around...

Please get yourself together first - you'll be an even better parent for that.

D

LadyinBC

More like painful. Lacking in compassion is usually a sign we don't want to feel.

CaptainPolaris

Out of respect, I will shut it down for today. Thanks. I am ok though. I truly hope the adoption agency does not think I am unfit just becausr of my diagnosis of alcohol and opiate dependence. I truly think Id be a great mom. If my baby would not have died, I would have never taken that drink

toddle118

but can you see the paradox here, youre whining about it

ScottFromWI

I think that's a wise decision Captain...shutting down for the night. You are not thinking clearly at all it seems.

GreenEggsAndHam

Captain I hope you are able to check in tomorrow to let us know how you are doing. Sleep it off. Tomorrow is a new day.

CaptainPolaris

For the record I am never out of control. I never appear out of control and people respect me. Don't judge me! Please!

FreeFall

You might want to look into AVRT. It sounds like you have an addictive voice within that is running the show these days. I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone, and I can imagine the urge to go completely numb is overpowering. I don't think you'll ever be able to move forward if you're drinking though.

You have mentioned being a doctor a few times, and you feel you can't admit to having a problem or getting help as you might lose your job. You probably will not be able to keep your job or your marriage if you can't face up to the idea that this may be something only YOU can fix and start to make a positive change. Parties don't make you drink. Tragedies don't make you drink.

If you do plan to be a parent again in the near future you owe it to that child to do it sober. Please don't even consider adoption if you're seriously thinking of this child as someone that will "solve all your problems". Ask not what your child can do for you, but what you can do for your child... to paraphrase JFK.

1newcreation

I fully agree w you 100%. If I choose to go beginners mtgs where almost everyone is under a yr old, then wouldn't surprise me but after then I choose to go elsewhere

StormiNormi

CP, I lost my child,too. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. I simply could not move forward without dealing with my emotions concerning my loss. Death and grieving, by nature's law, ensures self reflection in order for society to improve upon itself. DEEP soul work is the GIFT of bereavement. May God strengthen you with courage to change your perspective.

Anna

I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now.

Believe me, the party did not cause you to drink, and a baby will not stop you from drinking.

CaptainPolaris

Was going to bed but did one final check. To clarify... My husband pretty much makes me go to bed with him to ensure I am not engaging in addictive activities if any sort. He constantly reminds me of my addictive personality and he is around me the vast majority of the time so I stay "honest". I cannot use around him period. He has made that very clear. I would never risk it around a baby. Please believe me!

Anna

CP, I would say as gently as possible, you cannot depend on your husband to fix your alcoholism. This is something you need to do for yourself.

ReadyAtLast

Your post disturbs me quite a lot. Have you any idea the damage and negativity you could cause to one of your patients.It takes a hell of a lot for some people to approach their GP with emotional/mental health problems. To be then told to grow up and stop acting like a 5 year old is shocking imo. I think you need to learn more compassion in a professional capacity or find a profession you are more suited to

From a personal perspective I have been in your shoes. I see a lot of anger in your post. When I get angry and look at everyone else's faults and failings it is precisely because I am unhappy with myself and looking to deflect from my own problems by highlighting others. Happy people do not go round pointing out others bad points.

I understand how you feel after drinking again as have been there. My advice would be concentrate on YOU. If you don't like AA or group therapy or people annoy you then find another recovery programme. Find out what works for you and makes YOU feel better about YOU. I find that when I'm happy within myself I don't look to criticize others anymore and when I do start being horrible about others then I need to do more work on myself

ReadyAtLast

With respect I disagree. If you are happy and satisfied you would not have drank. You also said you have kept drinking since the party and have lied about it. If you wanted to be sober and could just as easily been sober today then you wouldn't be drinking.

This is all about you. You are an alcoholic who has started drinking again and need help. I hope you reach out to get the help you need but believe you need to stop lying to yourself first.

wpainterw

You refer to "your patients". I gather that you are a health care professional. That's a wonderful thing for you to do. Very admirable. Whiners are annoying. I guess it is their AV acting up and saying "I want what I want when I want it and I want it right now!" I gather that that's part of the addiction. Perhaps they're going to behave that way at the beginning and recovery involves a gradual strengthening of the more rational parts of the brain so that the AV can be controlled and that takes time. I'm not a health care professional and so I probably know less about it than you do.
I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I didn't know you were drinking or using right now. I thought you were a professional complaining about your "patients". If you are drinking then could it be that your AV is responding to (and interacting with!) their AV's, making things worse for all concerned, including you. You can't change them. You can change yourself.

W.

christimc

I'm a newbie in recovery and I just read this entire thread. I feel for you losing your child I couldn't imagine. But, in truly bothered a dr would have no compassion for her patients so much so to tell then to grow up. Wow. The whining u are referring to May be someone teaching out for help for reassurance or just to be heard and the last thing anyone in recovery needs is someone saying they are annoying whiners have a great day Polaris and I do wish you luck in your recovery and profession