blackdestiny

He's pointed that out to me himself. I just have a difficult time dealing with punishment. I'm very sensitive and emotional and scared. I'm going to run errands with someone and walk a neighbour's dog with mine. and probably apply for more jobs...

EverySngleNight

There are a lot of things that he could do. The fact that he's there sticking it out with you, says a lot about how he feels. That's a good thing, right? It sounds like this is making you really insecure right now. But, if I may- just to point out the positive, it really seems like he's giving you a golden opportunity to fix this! I know you must love him a lot, and I know you want to do better. You may have to eat crow for a little while. But, you can do this!

I'm glad to hear you have some productive things planned today too. Maybe take a little time for yourself? Take a bath, paint your nails- some tlc just for you. Your partner may not be able to give you the kind of affection that you want right now. But, you can still do little things for yourself to help you to feel better. I was single and lived alone for a couple of years in the past. Taking the time for extra self-care here and there, was (still is) really important.

We really do have to love ourselves before we can give of ourselves to others. <---True.

Part of loving yourself means taking good care of you, body and mind. Whatever you can do today to chip away at that goal -even a little bit- will be a step in the right direction.

ReadyAtLast

It does get easier. It won't kill you and chasing him will just push him further and further away .This isn't just about you. He wants space, you have no choice but to give it to him. He has made his decision,there isnothing you can do about that but respect it. Chasing him will just drive him away and make you lose all your self respect and dignity.

I speak from first hand experience. I was you. I chased and pushed him further away .I was crazy with no dignity or self respect or self worth. What little love and respect he did have left for me soon went when he saw what a mess I was without him. That isn't love-it's neediness,dependence,desperation. I know now that I had no self worth and just wanted him to validate my existence. I know now that I should have concentrated my energies on myself ,learning to love and respect myself first and stop drinking.I did neither for another 10 plus years and relationships repeated themselves.

least

I hope the support you'll find here can help you stop drinking for good.

EverySngleNight

^This. If I could bottle and sell this, I would. It took me SO long to figure it out... And it's so important. Thx RAL.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Every. I'm nearly 40 now and just wish someone had told me this when I was a teenager so I wouldn't have wasted my life throwing good relationships with decent men away by being a clingy,needy,emotionally dysfuntional, desperate mess

blackdestiny

I just have this overwhelming fear that if I don't continue to express wanting affection, he'll start to really believe I don't care about him. It's weird. I'm just walking on egg shells because it seems like I can never do or say the right thing... I'm having issues with adult acne that I dont know how to control and thats making it even harder to feel better aboyt myself, not liking the outside OR inside. i was just called and have an interview for a job thatd consisy of washing dishes. bussing and serving in an old folk community... its something that even the guy said is really hard but i NEED a job.

EverySngleNight

I used to work at a senior living community. I really enjoyed it. It didn't pay much, and it was hard work- but I was happy to work serving the seniors. :-) It's something anyway! You can always do it for the time being until something else comes along. Have you seen a doctor for the skin issues? Please don't beat yourself up over it! You can't help it and it's not your fault - you know? NOBODY is perfect. But, we still deserve to feel good about ourselves and worthy. I know your having a hard time. But, you just gotta take it one thing at a time. Breathe, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Oh, and stay sober! That's the first and most important thing!!

CaiHong

Hi black destiny,

lots of good sensible advice has been given to you and from experience. Number one is you really need to stop drinking and focus on that. You recognize that it is a problem, perhaps you don't realize how much of a problem it is yet. Give the BF space, he certainly needs and deserves it.
it's great that you have an interview tomorrow, work is work and something you need right now, it will also help you focus on something else, get you out of the house and out of your mind.
Good luck with the interview tomorrow, it may not be the job you want but it's a start for now.
get sober and good luck. Keep reading and posting.

CaiHong

blackdestiny

thank you. i have no interest in drinking. in fact, it was becoming rare that i did, just on weekends. but i don't want to anymore. i just want my partner. would it then be wise to resist the urge to hug him and just wait until he comes to me, if he does? part of me wants to just try really hard not to speak much at all unless spoken to just to avoid saying the wrong things...

blackdestiny

so, i got back and he was here. i made him food and we had a few tiny laughs but now its jusy like it has been... him lying on the bed staring at his phone with this show on netflix that is about rome and has a lot of nudity... which upsets me somehow because i'm insecure... im at the edge of the bed on my phone awkwardly. not speaking. i hate this so much

Goldcoastgirl

I know how hard it is but you must give him space. It makes you look more independent too if you are not hanging off his every word, movement. Make him see that you can be productive on your own. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am an obsessive person too about certain things and it is a sure fire way of turning people off. Just relax and look for the real you, not the one that needs other people around - you are in there somewhere. What is the saying, you can't really love someone until you love yourself - you deserve to love yourself too x

blackdestiny

well, i'm no longer smothering him with whining. if we speak, it's about general things, not what happened, and i'm basically keeping silent unless spoken to. he told me the other night that if he wanted to leave or for me to leave for physical space, he'd let me know, so i guess it's ok to be here. it's just strange and difficult as hell...

blackdestiny

i went to the store alone for groceries... and because i realized that i also have a yeast infection... before i left and still, his phone keeps vibrating amd everything inside of me wants to ask who he's been talking to all this time but i know it'd just worsen things. I'm even more ftightened and paraboid than before. now because all i can think is, what if he is planning on leaving and that's a girl or a friend persuading him to leave me? I've been mostly quiet today. I'm just not taking this well. i looked up at the stars on my way back from the store and immediately began to cry. i dont even know why...

EverySngleNight

Hi blackdes. I know it's hard. Keep posting. We're here for you! Have you two been dating very long? How long have you lived together? You don't have to answer anything you don't want of course! I'm just trying to get a little more insight. I'm just wondering why you feel you can't ask him who he's talking with? It shouldn't be a big deal IMO. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? So sorry you're having a hard time. I know you're trying. Keep your chin up!

blackdestiny

no, it's ok! we've lived together for a little over a year now but started talking a few months beforehand. i don't feel comfortable asking because it'd just show him that I'm still paranoid and insecure. he hasn't done anything to make me distrust him. i constantly fear things. like with girls, hes seen quite a few of our friends in the past that we still hang out with and i fear that he'll redevelop interest in them or something

Ruby2

In some ways I don't even know where to start. I was/am you and have also been in the same situation your boyfriend is in.

I think you have realized that alcohol isn't a good thing for you. In the past i have hit my husband while drunk. I turn into a very mean person. I chose to take alcohol out of the equation and not drink because I am an alcoholic and drinking does bad things to my mental state.

When I was about your age I was married to my first husband. I was always worried he would leave me for another woman. That if he wasn't thinking about me he must not love me. That if he spent times with friends that must mean he didn't like me. None of those things was remotely true. I was very clinging. It was insecurity and neediness. I have grown to know that what I was doing was really unhealthy and damaging to me and that relationship. In the end, I was actually the one who ended the relationship and pushed a divorce through.

All of what I was doing, the pushing, the prodding was only making me miserable.

Now. I have remarried and my current husband is an alcoholic/addict. When he is using he is extremely paranoid. Constantly accusing me of wanting to cheat on him. Insinuating that I have cheated on him. With the neighbors, after work, while I am working, with his drug dealer. I have never cheated on him. Being accused of something that I cannot disprove makes me very angry. It is extremely hurtful. My husband has been sober for about a month and a half now. He wants to be lovey dovey. To be intimate. I find it extremely difficult to warm up at all towards him. Even to hug him. I kicked him out of the house right after Christmas because he just wouldn't get sober. He is sober now and back to living at home for a week now. It is going to take a while to trust him. I don't know if I will ever trust him fully. But I do know that the more my husband pushes the more I shut down right now. I need time to get over the craziness.

Your boyfriend has chosen to stay. Don't push him. He likely needs time to heal. Regardless of his eventual decision, It also sounds like you do too. After my divorce I dated a string of alcoholics and eventually married one. Why did I make those choices? What about me pushed me to behave with such insecurity with my first husband who was just about the nicest guy ever. Extremely Normal, and date a string of increasingly worse alcoholics? It is good that you are looking at this now. I've been doing this for 25 years.

I could go on but won't. You both need time to heal. You have come to a good place for support.

blackdestiny

thanks, i read every word. I've always clinged onto men thatve shown me any real interest. i grew up without a mother and dont really have any great female friends. he is constantly on his phone and won't even leave it in the room if he leaves for more than a minute. which of course triggers my mind to wonder if somethings being hid. im so freaked out. i wish id never done these horrible things... other than avoiding alcohol and just trying to stay calm and nice i dont know how to win him back without trying to rush things... i need a solid plan. i want this more than anything...

ReadyAtLast

I think it's a bit dispresepctful to be in a room with you yet constantly on phone to someone else. When I read and responded to your posts yesterday I thought he had left-I didn't realize he was still living with you.

I think you should put yourself and your needs first. I really don't know. Is he still angry,annoyed about the weekend and just needing time/space or is he manipulating you? You are sitting there waiting for any scrap of affection from him and he knows this. He is doing what he wants,when he wants and knows you will wait for him.

All you can do is decide what YOU want. Maybe you both need space,physical space. The mental torment you are in now waiting wanting wondering is NO good for your mental health at all. I think YOU need space to work on you.

blackdestiny

I really don't think he'd ever attempt to manipulate me. I think he's just standing up for himself rather than being so quick to let it slide, because it really, really hurt him and like i said, it wasn't the first time... I'm sure he knows that I'm like a dog with its tail between its legs, just trying to be as civil as possible and conceal my urges... but this is punishment, something i wasn't given enough of all of the other times... : /