blackdestiny

Hello,

I'm seeking online support because no other options exist. Over the weekend, I blacked out amd psychically attacked my boyfriend. It wasn't the first time...

We've been together for over a year now, and I've gone from a happy-go-lucky goofball to an angry, cruel, self-loathing human-being. We originally lived on opposite coasts and he literally flew out just to bring me back home with him.

I've had an issue with alcohol since I was 19, I'm 23 now. It all began when I began dating an alcoholic, and then somehow ended up with another following that break-up --- only that person was schizophrenic, self-destructive and violent toward me. I stuck by that person's side for a year before realizing I couldn't help him.

Anyway, I began to develop an awful habit. I couldn't moderate, I couldn't keep myself together. I've been picked up in an ambulance more than once for lashing out at others (this only occurs with whomever I'm closest to --- my partner --- WHY?)

In short, I finally have a genuine man by my side --- the greatest friend I've ever had, and I may lose him, because he doesn't deserve to put up with it anymore. He never did. I'm constantly accusing him of wanting to cheat and other ridiculous things out of complete paranoia... I'm so disgusted with myself that I just project it. I just don't know how to handle this situation. All I ever want to do is hold him, but I cant. He needs time and id actually punishing me rather than coddling me. I just dont know what to do...

Dee74

Hi BlackDestiny - welcome

That sounds pretty serious. The stakes are pretty high.

The road back from all that starts with not drinking anymore, and that starts with a day one

You'll find a lot of support here, and a lot of ideas too - check our Class of February support thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-6.html

are you looking for real life support as well? (AA/some other recovery group, counselling?)

D

blackdestiny

I can provide more information, Im just typing on a phone and my head is very fuzzy...

diffingo911

Have You ever considered Abstinence?

blackdestiny

I am open to real life support. However Ive been to counseling múltiple times and didnt feel like it helped much

blackdestiny

Ive promised both him and myself that i would quit drinking. ive said it before but i have to prove myself true

Marcher13

Welcome to SR blackdestiny You mentioned counselling help, have you got a regular doctor that you see all the time, someone who knows your history? If you are going to different doctors then maybe the counselling isn't co-ordinated.

Dee74

It's ok - it's not an Inquisition

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

ReadyAtLast

If you stop drinking that's the first step. Personally I don't think anything else works-therapy,counselling etc UNTIL we stop drinking. I know for me it was only when I stopped drinking that I could really work on me-the self loathing, lack of confidence,self hatred, low self worth and self esteem could never go until I stopped drinking.I felt worthless so also dated 'unsuitable' men-alcoholics, abusive men as felt that's all I was worth.

Once I quit-the rest really did get better. I'm 14 months sober now and for the first time in my life have self confidence,self worth and realize I am not a bad person. I like myself for the frst time in my life and realize it's only when I started to love myself that I was in any position for anyone else to love me and have a decent relationship.

Nicecupoftea

Hi blackdestiny. I'm new to this forum (my "day 1" was yesterday) and your story rings so true to me. I also lash out at the one person I love more than anyone in the world (my husband) and he also doesn't deserve to be treated so badly. He said last night that if we weren't married he would have just walked away from me, which is heartbreaking. Instead of coddling me he has also been punishing me since my last "bad" drinking binge last weekend, but I think it's been the kick up the a** I needed - for him to let me know that it's NOT ok to drink to excess the way I do and he's NOT going to put up with it. If I had to choose him or getting hammered I'll choose him every time.

I've also tried moderation, but it fails every time, so I knew in my heart of hearts that quitting booze altogether was the ONLY option left, so as of yesterday, I'm now a non-drinker. Once you give yourself that title it makes the whole future journey seem a bit more manageable. It's wonderful knowing that you'll never wake up with a guilt-ridden hangover again, or that you'll never inflict a binge-fuelled drinking session full of horrors on yourself or anyone you love ever again. You'll never have to worry about if/when the next bad night will occur - it's not something that'll hanging over you any more, and it's so refreshing and liberating! Giving up alcohol is a tiny sacrifice to save your relationship, your health and ultimately, your life.

When you seriously think about it, what are the good things about drinking alcohol, really?? Make a list of the pros and cons to drinking and I bet you the cons list will be longer. I know, for me, NOTHING good has ever come out of me drinking, but my happiest moments are when I'm stone cold sober, 100% "with it" mentally and physically, and I can remember every second, not black out at the end of the night and feel like sh*t for days afterwards.

blackdestiny, you sound like you've found a wonderful, supportive and loving partner who will help you through this, and if you tell him today "I'm giving up the drink for good - day 1 starts today" and really mean it, hopefully he'll be there to support you day by day. You can do it, you are strong, and the rest of your life starts today! Good luck!

IOAA2

Hi. It's great you recognize your problem, drinking. Many wallow in denial for far too long and never make it. A first requirement in getting sober is to stay honest about our drinking as things, us, change in the beginning and it's easy to slide back. Try to remember when as to the reasons that got you here as we forget pain rather easily. Next it was made clear to me that if I didn't have a first drink I wouldn't have to get sober AGAIN. sobriety is a lifetime effort so the earlier we start generally the easier it is.

BE WELL

EndGameNYC

Hi bd.

The World Health Organization refers to this as "alcoholic jealousy," a subset of "alcoholic paranoia." Regardless of what the WHO thinks, clinicians and researchers have long been aware of this phenomenon.

WHO describes it as "a type of alcohol-induced psychotic disorder, characterized by delusions that the marital or sexual partner is unfaithful. The delusion is typically accompanied by intense searching of evidence for infidelity and direct confrontations that may lead to violent quarrels. It was formerly regarded as a distinct diagnostic entity, but this status is now controversial."

As far as I know, they don’t suggest or provide an etiology for this condition. My take is that this occurs when, as a result of heavy drinking, the alcoholic’s inhibitions are compromised, allowing for outright sexual fantasies that may or may not occur or be acted on while not drinking. These fantasies can be either conscious or unconscious. The alcoholic then projects these fantasies on his or her partner, thereby justifying his or her paranoia.

Paranoid jealousy -- with or without alcohol -- typically rears its ugly head within the person who is either cheating or has regular thoughts about cheating, again projecting their fantasies and/or actions on their (usually) faithful partners.

Unless and until you stop, this condition will continue to get worse. In many cases, it can drive the faithful partner away, often by engaging in an extra-relationship affair, the very thing that he or she was regularly accused of doing.

EverySngleNight

Hi blackdes. Welcome to SR. I don't have a lot to add, but plenty of good advice here. I'm sorry for how I know you're feeling right now. It really can get better. You're young and have sooo much to look forward to! I hope you stick around and keep posting. You deserve to be happy and to be the person that you know you really are. Your partner doesn't deserve better THAN you, they deserve better FROM you. You deserve that too. Sending you my best.

blackdestiny

Thank you for the support, guys. I REALLY appreciate it. I've made the conscious decision to drop drinking. I just wish I would have said and actually DONE that sooner. We live together amd everytime I see him I end up crying at some point, which only seems to irritate him further. He doesn't want to be touched, he just wants time, and I fall asleep next to him cuddling a pillow. I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm responsible for my own misery and he needs time to decide whether or not he actually wants to remain as my partner...

ReadyAndAble

You just keep doing what you're doing. By the time we finally quit, we've broken so many past promises that it's hard for those we love to believe it. I think they become reluctant to believe it, to protect themselves from yet another disappointment. There comes a point where words are not enough; they need to see it to believe it. And he will see it, and I bet that day by day, he'll begin to believe it.

EverySngleNight

That sounds really tough hon. SO sorry. :-( Maybe you two would benefit from talking to someone? It sounds like you're willing to do what it takes to save your relationship. I don't know what the best way is for you to demonstrate that to your partner, but it's probably going to take time and dedication on your part to win back the trust.

I know it hurts a lot, and I know you aren't sure if the relationship is salvageable at this point. No matter what the outcome is there, quitting is the best thing you can do for yourself. Sending my best.

blackdestiny

I really hope so. Another issue that's been going on for a really long time is, when I get upset over what I've done and point out how horrible what I've done is and begin to elaborate, he just says I'm being a martyr and not giving him a chance to focus on his feelings for oncr, he aleays has to coddle me... I dont ever mean to sound like that but I really do feel like the biggeat piece of ****...

ReadyAtLast

Just concentrate all your energies on getting sober. Let him be. If you chase him you'll push him further and further away .Stand still, look after you and if he loves you and feels he wants to give it another go he will come back to you . but get sober for you ,regardless of what he does. You need to concnetrate everything on getting sober to give your self the chance of being the best person you can be

blackdestiny

but how do i deal with the urge to hug and kiss him, and snuggle up with him at night? it's killing me. i am fully aware that i don't deserve that right but it's what I've become accustomed to. i feel so alone and everytime i think of all the things I've done i begin to cry immediately... we just moved to a new state and have been really stressed looking for jobs and whatnot. he started working today and im still looking. he said bye before leaving and almost left but then hugged me and kissed my head... and again i instantly began to cry. im just a wreck

EverySngleNight

I understand you want affection from your partner. But, that's really meant to reassure YOU, you know? He needs space right now, and part of owning your mistake means respecting his needs too. If we hurt someone, it's our job to reassure them- not the other way around. He may feel if he forgives you too soon, that he'll be in for more of the same.

I'm sure he knows that nobody can do this for you, and he probably loves you a lot but wants to see you stand up and make the changes. That's what tough love is like.

Is there anything that you can think of to do for/by yourself today, that would help you stay sober, and give you some strength?