My husband raised his fist to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
That doesn't sound good AB. As a younger man I had difficulty comprehending that even if I was forgiven, that didn't mean the other persons hurt went away immediately. As others have said, you need to take care of you first, whatever that has to mean. 
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
You've gotten some great advice from people who have walked this very sad & unfortunate walk, Anchor. I don't have anything other than my support to add.
My prayer tonight is that you heed their advice. If not for yourself then for your daughter. Please don't teach her to be the newest victim of this vicious cycle.
Sending you peace & love.
My prayer tonight is that you heed their advice. If not for yourself then for your daughter. Please don't teach her to be the newest victim of this vicious cycle.
Sending you peace & love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
Hi everyone. I am in quite a mental state this morning, it's hard to explain. Maybe confused and overwhelmed is it. I am at work, not really wanting to be here. I have so much on my plate right now with my husband, sobriety, a possible surgery for my foot (and I have to wear a stupid air cast now which I am SO MAD about) that I am finding it hard to just accept what is going on and take it a step at a time. I do know that I HAVE to stay sober.
My husband and I talked last night and I stressed how he made me feel very unsafe and that I don't feel comfortable around him. He is sorry, but I have gone through this with him before. He is sucking up like crazy, but like I said, I am so confused as to what to do. Maybe being at work today is a good thing. In between story time and helping patrons I can think some things through.
Thank you all for your support and care!
My husband and I talked last night and I stressed how he made me feel very unsafe and that I don't feel comfortable around him. He is sorry, but I have gone through this with him before. He is sucking up like crazy, but like I said, I am so confused as to what to do. Maybe being at work today is a good thing. In between story time and helping patrons I can think some things through.
Thank you all for your support and care!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Something Autan wrote really struck me. When I left my ex (ended in broken ribs and bruises around my neck..yay.) it was around the 2 year mark of my previous sobriety. My business had really picked up, I was able to move us into a nice condo, and I'd bought a car... He always had anger issues. He'd thrown things at me and said horrible things, he'd trapped me in rooms during arguments, was very controlling, and I now realize that he liked my self-esteem to be low because he was very insecure. I'd never lived on my own, have a childhood history of severe abuse, and was basically primed to buy into the BS... I was terrified to leave and really believed that I wouldn't "make it" without his influence and "help". What I never tied together (which Autan mentioned) was that when he finally "snapped" and crossed the line into physically hurting me- it was right around the time that I was doing my best. My self-esteem was high and I was succeeding with my business and sobriety.
It is possible that the stronger you get, the more he'll escalate. Do you think that he can handle you being self-possessed, confident, and strong?
Build that safety net of friends/family and resources to pull you through. It may be good to consider visiting a clinical social worker. They #1) Are often qualified to provide mental health and addiction counseling- or are able to refer you to someone who can. & #2) They help people to make plans and to come up with practical solutions by providing resources in the areas of employment, benefits, child care, you name it!
This calm time or "honeymoon period", may be the best opportunity you have to put a plan in place for a worst case scenario. Don't fall for "Mr. Niceguy" and ignore the red flags. You're a mama first and foremost, and you CAN get through this. ::::hugs::::
Please keep posting- so many women here that "get it" & REALLY care. <3
It is possible that the stronger you get, the more he'll escalate. Do you think that he can handle you being self-possessed, confident, and strong?
Build that safety net of friends/family and resources to pull you through. It may be good to consider visiting a clinical social worker. They #1) Are often qualified to provide mental health and addiction counseling- or are able to refer you to someone who can. & #2) They help people to make plans and to come up with practical solutions by providing resources in the areas of employment, benefits, child care, you name it!
This calm time or "honeymoon period", may be the best opportunity you have to put a plan in place for a worst case scenario. Don't fall for "Mr. Niceguy" and ignore the red flags. You're a mama first and foremost, and you CAN get through this. ::::hugs::::
Please keep posting- so many women here that "get it" & REALLY care. <3
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by anchorbird 
Hi everyone. I am in quite a mental state this morning, it's hard to explain. Maybe confused and overwhelmed is it. I am at work, not really wanting to be here. I have so much on my plate right now with my husband, sobriety, a possible surgery for my foot (and I have to wear a stupid air cast now which I am SO MAD about) that I am finding it hard to just accept what is going on and take it a step at a time. I do know that I HAVE to stay sober.
My husband and I talked last night and I stressed how he made me feel very unsafe and that I don't feel comfortable around him. He is sorry, but I have gone through this with him before. He is sucking up like crazy, but like I said, I am so confused as to what to do. Maybe being at work today is a good thing. In between story time and helping patrons I can think some things through.
Thank you all for your support and care!
My husband and I talked last night and I stressed how he made me feel very unsafe and that I don't feel comfortable around him. He is sorry, but I have gone through this with him before. He is sucking up like crazy, but like I said, I am so confused as to what to do. Maybe being at work today is a good thing. In between story time and helping patrons I can think some things through.
Thank you all for your support and care!
I have anger issues. I never learned to process or deal with them. I never raised my fists towards my wife but I have lost my temper and maimed other people. For me this was all part of my bigger issues. I thought I was in control and when I could not control a situation it would build into anger. I could either pacify through substances or I could work out or I could loose myself to rage. After six months I feel I am starting to understand my own emotions more but its been hard work.
I would like to think I would never be that guy but you never know until your in that situation. I may have been that guy five months ago. I can say with a bit of certainty that I would never be that guy now.
Be safe but there are lots of changing variables. Perhaps he might be willing to change. I guess the key for you is not to acquiesce and go through the same motions but expect a different result. Either he will leant to change or you need to change the situation.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by EverySngleNight
Something Autan wrote really struck me. When I left my ex (ended in broken ribs and bruises around my neck..yay.) it was around the 2 year mark of my previous sobriety. My business had really picked up, I was able to move us into a nice condo, and I'd bought a car... He always had anger issues. He'd thrown things at me and said horrible things, he'd trapped me in rooms during arguments, was very controlling, and I now realize that he liked my self-esteem to be low because he was very insecure. I'd never lived on my own, have a childhood history of severe abuse, and was basically primed to buy into the BS... I was terrified to leave and really believed that I wouldn't "make it" without his influence and "help". What I never tied together (which Autan mentioned) was that when he finally "snapped" and crossed the line into physically hurting me- it was right around the time that I was doing my best. My self-esteem was high and I was succeeding with my business and sobriety.
It is possible that the stronger you get, the more he'll escalate. Do you think that he can handle you being self-possessed, confident, and strong?
Build that safety net of friends/family and resources to pull you through. It may be good to consider visiting a clinical social worker. They #1) Are often qualified to provide mental health and addiction counseling- or are able to refer you to someone who can. & #2) They help people to make plans and to come up with practical solutions by providing resources in the areas of employment, benefits, child care, you name it!
This calm time or "honeymoon period", may be the best opportunity you have to put a plan in place for a worst case scenario. Don't fall for "Mr. Niceguy" and ignore the red flags. You're a mama first and foremost, and you CAN get through this. ::::hugs::::
Please keep posting- so many women here that "get it" & REALLY care. <3
It is possible that the stronger you get, the more he'll escalate. Do you think that he can handle you being self-possessed, confident, and strong?
Build that safety net of friends/family and resources to pull you through. It may be good to consider visiting a clinical social worker. They #1) Are often qualified to provide mental health and addiction counseling- or are able to refer you to someone who can. & #2) They help people to make plans and to come up with practical solutions by providing resources in the areas of employment, benefits, child care, you name it!
This calm time or "honeymoon period", may be the best opportunity you have to put a plan in place for a worst case scenario. Don't fall for "Mr. Niceguy" and ignore the red flags. You're a mama first and foremost, and you CAN get through this. ::::hugs::::
Please keep posting- so many women here that "get it" & REALLY care. <3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
I will admit, I am sure it is different for him to see me strong. I have made so many changes, changes for the better, and I am not the weak wife waiting for her husband to come home any more.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
I'm happy you are okay at the moment but I fear this moment won't last for too long. I remember when I was with my ex that I needed to leave him. Deep down I knew it was never going to get any better. And it didn't.
I thought others didn't know how bad it was either but everyone knew. I had to leave him on my own and there was nothing anyone could say to make me. I think the reason why you feel confused is because deep down you know you need to leave but don't want too or feel that you aren't ready just yet.
Remember the cycle of violence never stops, soon this kindness he is displaying will be replaced with anger again.
Please take care.
I thought others didn't know how bad it was either but everyone knew. I had to leave him on my own and there was nothing anyone could say to make me. I think the reason why you feel confused is because deep down you know you need to leave but don't want too or feel that you aren't ready just yet.
Remember the cycle of violence never stops, soon this kindness he is displaying will be replaced with anger again.
Please take care.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by anchorbird
I will admit, I am sure it is different for him to see me strong. I have made so many changes, changes for the better, and I am not the weak wife waiting for her husband to come home any more.
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