teardrop

i not drank for a month tomorrow, 5/1/14 is my sobriety date this time

but im so f***ing miserable ALL the time

i just dont like anything, everything is s**t, even things i used to like

i cant stop thinking either, it gives me headach

if this is sobriety its f***ing s**t

anyway i cant stay sober long a month is quite long for me, most was four and half months, but even then i craved a drink every day

this time i done written steps 123 still im miserable, still i get thoughts to drink, thoughts i wish i was dead, thoughts to move out of the family home so when i drink again im only harming myself cause ill be out of everyones way and can drink when and what i like.

what the f**k can i do ?? cause i know for sure i cant carry on like this its worse than when i drank everyday, for me personally, cause i looked forward to my drink.

although i dont look forward to getting arrested at the end of the night and sitting in the stupid smelly cold police cell, and the police treating me like scum, cause to them im just a ****, not a active alcoholic.

i dont even like being a alcoholic anymore, people at aa say im glad im a alcoholic??? wtf???

all i want is to be f***ing happy and content

its pointless listing hobbies for me to do cause i dont even like my very best of hobbies (old cars and old push bikes) at the moment.

i did my cars and bikes reguarly while drinking, a can of lager next to me while welding on a wing or plateing up a rotten floor pan. i was a very much functioning alcoholic, but also as the evening went on i went into blackout.

see now i cant even function

a month is a long time a day with no alcohol is a long time for me, how long will i feel like this?? or is it forever, if it is im off to the off licence.

shauninspain

All the emotions that you're feeling are the very same emotions that alcohol subdued, and which you wished to subdue by drowning them with an anesthetic. Now that alcohol is no longer in your body they're rising to the surface, some slowly, some rapidly. What you're experiencing is the emotional turmoil that has not been sorted through and dealt with. It'll take time and effort to address the various issues that you have, but you will achieve it, as long as you don't drink.

You could go it alone, but that would not be advisable. Staying with AA, for the initial 12 months, would be better than risking it all on your own. Expressing the anger/fear/resentment/loneliness/frustration/guilt etc etc is healthy. Try to find a sponsor in AA, or an experienced member to talk to. Once the ball starts rolling it'll gather momentum. However, you need to start it rolling as it wont move on it's own. Think Newtons First Law of Motion.

''An object at rest stays at rest, and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

You must become that force.

doggonecarl

A month is awesome. But it's still early in recovery. Normal not to feel wonderful. But it doesn't mean you have to embrace misery and despair. If you do, that's your lot.

teardrop

a month is f***ing hard and i feel like giving up

ScottFromWI

Are you seeing anyone to help with your OCD or any other issues Teardrop? Those aren't going to get better just by not drinking. And drinking will only make them worse.

MamaGoat

Gratitude brings me happiness when I feel miserable. What are you grateful for? And really think about it. Sometimes I am just happy I have hot water to shower in. GO to as many AA meetings as you can. The people that say they are glad they are alcoholics say that because they feel they would have never had found a better way to live if they were not. We are very lucky in that aspect. There are a lot of miserable non-alcoholics walking around. At least we have a program with promises of a better life if we follow the steps and live in the solution. ((((hugs)))

Anna

This is so true.

Recovery is not just stopping drinking. It's taking care of the underlying issues.

Threshold

It gets better. If it didn't none of us would stay sober.

I know it's beyond hard in the beginning and it seems like either everyone has been lying to us or we are the one person who can't live sober because it's so hard and lousy...but it's just the crappy nature of early recovery.

We go through it and it gets better. Keep working the steps, don't hesitate and procrastinate etc on 4...keep pushing on...stopping at 3 is a painful mistake a lot of us made.

The rest of the steps are the solution to getting over the obsession, learning to live sober rather than endure a life with no booze. There is a HUGE difference.

You can do it, we can say that with confidence because we've been there.

teardrop

step 4 is b*llocks i tried/started how writing down about my sh*t child hood of( physical sexuall abuse and being in and out of care) how writing that down helps ill never ever know, eg sexuall abuser was a ill nasty sick man, all i can do is forgive and forget, b*llocks id rather kick his f*cking teeth in

so much of my childhood was not my fault yet i have to live with the fact that grown adults who were supposed to care for me didnt , not my fault what ever any of you say.

these problems to me are my underlying issues, i cant forget or forgive these t*ssers

teardrop

no because noone will help me, and yes i know they wont go away on their own, but like i said noone will help

so much to the metal health team, they are c*cks too

teardrop

oh and i even got arrested under the mental health act once for my own safety, i was seen by a doctor physcyatrist and a third person, all at once, they all made notes etc, i told them exactally how my ocd is, i wash constantly or i avoid touching things, i see things jumping on to me contaminating me, i take half a hour to a hour to take a p*ss due to having to wash and change my clothes, every time,

they said your ok, go home now, youre telling me to cope like that is normal, is it f*ck, my wife doesnt do that. no wonder i want to drink, so i forget it all and dont know what im doing, numb it all

my case rests the mental health team are c*cks

heath480

Sorry you are struggling Teardrop,one thing for sure is a drink would only make things worse.

Have you got a number you can call for the mental health team?If you have call it.

heath480

Oh just read your last post,sorry.

teardrop

i given up on the mental health team cause the knock backs are worse than no treatment/help, they send me backwards

ScottFromWI

You have to let people help you teardrop. It will involve change by you too - and it's not always going to be easy. Part of getting better is accepting that you have a problem, whether it's alcoholism, OCD or whatever it might be. And then listening to others who have the ability to help you.

Sorry that you feel this way but the stark reality is nothing will get better until you at least open up your brick walls just a crack and let someone in to help. And I can 100% guarnatee that if you start drinking again, everything will get worse - much worse.

teardrop

are you talking about letting people help me with my alcohol intake or my ocd

i do let people help with my alcoholism, i go to aa a few times a week, i have a sponsor, who at the moment says i need space to sort myself out, he felt he was pushing me too much, too fast.

my ocd NO F*CKER will help, ive cried out for help, in desperation more than once ive self harmed to cry out for help pureley for my ocd, not self harmed to cry for help with alcoholism

aa is ok to a degree, but the later steps and god dont make any sense to me

step 1 is ok
step 2 is ok as i am happy to say aa is a power greater than me
step 3 again just aa as the higher power

step 4 will not take away what happened to me, nor will it take away how i feel about what happened to me

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you should visit a different doctor or therapist. I'm not sure I can really offer any more advice based on your responses, sorry if I upset you.

Taking5

It is not designed to do those things. It is the 4th of 12 that is designed to make you sober and comfortable in your own skin. I can tell from your posts that you are not comfortable.

You do not have to understand every little detail of the steps before you proceed with them. Understanding is a RESULT of working the steps, not a prerequisite.

What does your sponsor have to say on this?

teardrop

my sponsor said hes giving me space to see things my own way, he said just dont drink, put step 4 aside for a while.

teardrop

you havent upset me, im just p*ssed of in general with everything