My husband raised his fist to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 40
Anchor, I would love to put my opinion in here....
Been there done that! No more!!
I think there are times when we get angry, and may want to take our aggression out, but putting your hands on people is against the law.
I think many would agree here, that we have all done something against the law at a time or another, but ultimately, you need to decide where this is going.
I have been in relationships where I felt scared of a person. Nobody should have to live scared. The stress that causes leads to death.
Take control of your life, whatever that means to you.
I believe in you!
Been there done that! No more!!
I think there are times when we get angry, and may want to take our aggression out, but putting your hands on people is against the law.
I think many would agree here, that we have all done something against the law at a time or another, but ultimately, you need to decide where this is going.
I have been in relationships where I felt scared of a person. Nobody should have to live scared. The stress that causes leads to death.
Take control of your life, whatever that means to you.
I believe in you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
Honestly, no, I do not feel safe right now. My daughter is at a friend's house and my husband will be home soon from work so I am going to the gym for awhile.
We haven't talked about what happened, I didn't want to be around him this morning. He hit me once about 10 years ago but I threatened to leave if he ever did it again and he hasn't.
We haven't talked about what happened, I didn't want to be around him this morning. He hit me once about 10 years ago but I threatened to leave if he ever did it again and he hasn't.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Okay, your kid is safe and at a friend's. You are planning on going to they gym. Perhaps it's not a bad idea to put a few basics for you and your daughter in the car- so that you have an "out" if need be? You know what I mean?? You could go to a hotel if you needed, while you figure some things out. If nothing else, definitely keep your phone on your person. For what it's worth- I'm sending you all my best. So sorry!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
If you need help working out what to do next anchorbird, there's a lot of good advioce and numbers to call here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Anchorbird I was going to ask you if anything like this had happened in your marriage before and you answered that in #23 above. I was going to suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt after reading the OP but having read that I don't think you should.
I suggest you pack a few things, take your daughter and either go to a refuge or a trusted friend or relative. You need a professional's help here, removing yourself from the situation will protect you and your daughter and allow time for intervention.
I suggest you pack a few things, take your daughter and either go to a refuge or a trusted friend or relative. You need a professional's help here, removing yourself from the situation will protect you and your daughter and allow time for intervention.
Alcohol Free Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 482
Hello Anchorbird,
You know he is going to hit you when you come back from the gym. I saw my Mum go through exactly the same pantomime with my Father.
Firstly you need to be safe and keep your Daughter safe. Find a hotel for the next few nights until you can sort something out more permanent. Withdraw cash from ATM, rather than paying by card as your hotel may show up on online statement and he can find out where you are.
You can spend the next few days arranging accommodation, until you can get on your feet.
What I am trying to say is this, you need to leave him, BEFORE he hits you again.
He will do it. He will see you getting Sober and being more in control and so he will reassert himself through violence. I saw my own Father beat my Mother because she had a job and he didnt.
He would tell he, it was her fault that she was getting too big for her boots, insulting him and he way of life, all crap. Basically he was losing control and would raise his hand at first.
When this stopped working he would hit her, then apologise straight away.
Then things got much worse, hospitalisation injuries and again, nice as pie for a few weeks.
Over a period of 3 years, he almost killed her. He didnt stop, it was only when a neirbour said the only power he has over you is a financial one. There is help out there if you leave.
So one day she did, she has been happy ever since. Got half of everything in the divorce too. This was the best thing she ever did and if she was on here right now, she would be screaming at the monitor to you, to LEAVE !!!
Leave now, while you can, you cannot ever get sober, while this is going on.
I apologise if this sounds heavy handed, I have lived in fear first hand and there is just no easy way to say these things.
You know he is going to hit you when you come back from the gym. I saw my Mum go through exactly the same pantomime with my Father.
Firstly you need to be safe and keep your Daughter safe. Find a hotel for the next few nights until you can sort something out more permanent. Withdraw cash from ATM, rather than paying by card as your hotel may show up on online statement and he can find out where you are.
You can spend the next few days arranging accommodation, until you can get on your feet.
What I am trying to say is this, you need to leave him, BEFORE he hits you again.
He will do it. He will see you getting Sober and being more in control and so he will reassert himself through violence. I saw my own Father beat my Mother because she had a job and he didnt.
He would tell he, it was her fault that she was getting too big for her boots, insulting him and he way of life, all crap. Basically he was losing control and would raise his hand at first.
When this stopped working he would hit her, then apologise straight away.
Then things got much worse, hospitalisation injuries and again, nice as pie for a few weeks.
Over a period of 3 years, he almost killed her. He didnt stop, it was only when a neirbour said the only power he has over you is a financial one. There is help out there if you leave.
So one day she did, she has been happy ever since. Got half of everything in the divorce too. This was the best thing she ever did and if she was on here right now, she would be screaming at the monitor to you, to LEAVE !!!
Leave now, while you can, you cannot ever get sober, while this is going on.
I apologise if this sounds heavy handed, I have lived in fear first hand and there is just no easy way to say these things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 304
Originally Posted by anchorbird 
Honestly, no, I do not feel safe right now. My daughter is at a friend's house and my husband will be home soon from work so I am going to the gym for awhile. We haven't talked about what happened, I didn't want to be around him this morning. He hit me once about 10 years ago but I threatened to leave if he ever did it again and he hasn't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
I'm sorry to hear about this kind of treatment-to any one. Stay strong you guys. Funny, even though this is just an online community, I feel defensive, almost protective, like someone is messing with a friend of mine and I want to do something. But I can't, so I'm just posting support.
Hugs to you guys.
Hugs to you guys.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by malcolmsloan
I'm sorry to hear about this kind of treatment-to any one. Stay strong you guys. Funny, even though this is just an online community, I feel defensive, almost protective, like someone is messing with a friend of mine and I want to do something. But I can't, so I'm just posting support.
Hugs to you guys.
Hugs to you guys.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Anchorbird, please look carefully at your situation and plan a way out. It may have been years ago that your husband hit you, but he did. And, he threatened to do it again. He almost lost control. He confined you. None of that is okay. It will escalate.
Please find a safe place for you and your daughter. The fact that you drank over this is sad, but you can move on from that. But, it sounds to me like your recovery would do better if you were out of that situation.
Please take care of yourself and protect yourself.
Please find a safe place for you and your daughter. The fact that you drank over this is sad, but you can move on from that. But, it sounds to me like your recovery would do better if you were out of that situation.
Please take care of yourself and protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Homestead Florida
Posts: 297
I would never let a man hit me again. Had to go to a hospital once because of that. If they do it once they will do it again. I don't care if he is my partner. I refuse to take that from anyone. I sincerely hope you will find a way out of that situation for you and your daughter immediately. The advice here has been great. Leaving the environment would probably help. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
I hope you have some good men in your life Anchor. There are lots of good men who do not treat women that way.
I had a guy once stalk me and my Dad, brother, and Uncle went and had a talk with him. They never raised a fist or even their voice but they made it pretty clear it wasn't just me he would be dealing with if it continued. Nothing good comes out of any violence but sometimes silence isn't good either. I hope you have supportive people in your life.
I had a guy once stalk me and my Dad, brother, and Uncle went and had a talk with him. They never raised a fist or even their voice but they made it pretty clear it wasn't just me he would be dealing with if it continued. Nothing good comes out of any violence but sometimes silence isn't good either. I hope you have supportive people in your life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
Your story sounds so similar to one I found myself in. I was trapped in a room, not allowed to leave and held against the wall by my husband's forearm across my throat. He was screaming at me and spittle was hitting my face. I tried to struggle loose and he raised his fist, but when he hit me, it was with an open hand.
I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. He had never raised his hand to me before. However, hit me once, shame on you. Hit me twice, shame on me. Afterward, he let me go and that was the beginning of our separation and divorce.
No one deserves to be afraid of their spouse. No one should feel unsafe in their own home. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. There is no excuse. I hope you will do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter. Please don't give him the opportunity to hit you again. ((((HUGS))))
I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. He had never raised his hand to me before. However, hit me once, shame on you. Hit me twice, shame on me. Afterward, he let me go and that was the beginning of our separation and divorce.
No one deserves to be afraid of their spouse. No one should feel unsafe in their own home. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. There is no excuse. I hope you will do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter. Please don't give him the opportunity to hit you again. ((((HUGS))))
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
I've been though this too - we fled from one womens shelter to another over 8-9 years as someone I thought I could trust, kept telling him where we were. The courts banned him from within 30 miles of us.
5 years ago, he found us - turned the kids against ME! I haven't seen them for 4 years although me son is secretly contacting me now. He is now 20 and my daughter 18.
Get out and stay out love. If he starts again, make sure you're in a 'soft' room - stay out of the kitchen or anywhere with hard surfaces/knives etc. These guys DO get worse!!!
Here if you need to talk Xx
5 years ago, he found us - turned the kids against ME! I haven't seen them for 4 years although me son is secretly contacting me now. He is now 20 and my daughter 18.
Get out and stay out love. If he starts again, make sure you're in a 'soft' room - stay out of the kitchen or anywhere with hard surfaces/knives etc. These guys DO get worse!!!
Here if you need to talk Xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by milly4me
And the most abusive part isnt that he raised his fist and cornered you. .. It's that he treated you as though you didn't have a right to you're feelings. He was more concerned about how your feelings affected him than how they affected you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
I am sorry that happened to you.. My eyes got watered up from just reading your post. I am so sorry. I use to be with a man that was both a substance abuser as well as an abuser. It started gradually, first he would call me bad names which progressed to hits below the belt. He would find my weaknesses and insecurities to exploit them. He use to watch me cry and continue to say all these ugly things.
That was the worst part, but soon, he wasn't satisfied just by hurting me with his words. He use throw me out of his car at night to watch me walk home. Every time I thought he was gone he would randomly pull in front of me almost hitting me. He slapped me repeatedly, ripped my hair out, punched me in the face... I had bruises on my back in the shape of my ribs... He forced me to do a lot of sexual stuff that I won't mention here.
And it got worse.
He choked me until I began to black out. By the time he let me go I almost couldn't breath. I struggled to bring oxygen back into my lungs. Shortly after that he cracked my head open and I finally left. I got help from the local women's center on campus so I could finish my finals.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. I loved him so very much and kept blaming myself. And just like the cycle of violence, he would come back apologizing with false promises, that he loved me. Just typing this out is a little overwhelming after all these years. But I think its important for you to understand that abusers get much much worse. It can get so bad he may cut off your fingers or kill you. Please don't be scared to reach out to anyone. Anything you say is 100% confidential, even if you tell them how he physically hit you. These people will go to jail before they compromise your confidentiality.
Please get help for yourself if he ever lays a hand on you or threatens too.
That was the worst part, but soon, he wasn't satisfied just by hurting me with his words. He use throw me out of his car at night to watch me walk home. Every time I thought he was gone he would randomly pull in front of me almost hitting me. He slapped me repeatedly, ripped my hair out, punched me in the face... I had bruises on my back in the shape of my ribs... He forced me to do a lot of sexual stuff that I won't mention here.
And it got worse.
He choked me until I began to black out. By the time he let me go I almost couldn't breath. I struggled to bring oxygen back into my lungs. Shortly after that he cracked my head open and I finally left. I got help from the local women's center on campus so I could finish my finals.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. I loved him so very much and kept blaming myself. And just like the cycle of violence, he would come back apologizing with false promises, that he loved me. Just typing this out is a little overwhelming after all these years. But I think its important for you to understand that abusers get much much worse. It can get so bad he may cut off your fingers or kill you. Please don't be scared to reach out to anyone. Anything you say is 100% confidential, even if you tell them how he physically hit you. These people will go to jail before they compromise your confidentiality.
Please get help for yourself if he ever lays a hand on you or threatens too.
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