It is too hard .....just like a bad dream
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
YOUR FRIEND IS RIGHT,THE ONLY THING ABOUT THIS KIND OF SUICIDE IS THAT IT'S NOT OVER IN AN INSTANT.YEARS OF SELF TORTURE,THE FEELING OF NOT WANTING TO LIVE AND NOT WANTING TO DIE.TAKE MY WORD FOR IT IT'S A LIVING HELL.STICK AROUND,I HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR.YOUR YOUNG,SAVE YOURSELF YEARS OF TORMENT,PLEASE.....ted 
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Jane,
Doesn't your school have a student health service and/or a counseling center you could go to? Maybe you should see a doctor or counselor. You may be suffering from some depression also. Congrats on steering clear of the coke!
Love, Eddie
Doesn't your school have a student health service and/or a counseling center you could go to? Maybe you should see a doctor or counselor. You may be suffering from some depression also. Congrats on steering clear of the coke!
Love, Eddie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
feeling bad
hey, thanks all for ur support. i donn know if i deserve it.u know yesterday I snorted coke for no reason.My friends were taking so I jsut missed the high.I haven't taken for almost 4 weeks and I didn't actually missed it so i donn know why i used again.i just couldn't say no yesterday ,i felt like I want it badly jsut this time.i thought maybe I could use it once.actually I had lots of fun and I enjoyed my time a lot but i felt bad because I know i shouldn't have done it.i just enjoyed doin it with my bf. u know they were shooting heroin and someone offered it to me but before I react my bf punched him on his face and told me that enough is enough.he told me that it is very easy for him to take with me but his heart won't let him do that.He said that I was his little angle and he's not gonna let his friends cause me any pain so .so he said that if he noticed that they gave me anything he is gonna tell the cops.I can't understand him.But I just liked it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
I liked the feeling it produced. U know i donn think it's related to addiction cause It's been a month since i last took so if i was addicted i wouldn't have stand it a month without it
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Have you ever thought you couldn’t fit in or have a good time without drugs? [Yes] [ No]
Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? [Yes] [ No] Do you think a lot about drugs? [Yes] [ No]
Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? [Yes] [ No] Do you think a lot about drugs? [Yes] [ No]
Try reading up a little more on what addiction is and is not. And stay away from those "friends." They're not doing you any favors. Wish you well, Jane!
Love, Eddie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere i didn't expect to be
Posts: 15
Jane,
Do you know how cocaine works? I found out by reading some scientific stuff and it really opened my eyes.
It is not the cocaine itself that has the feel good chemicals. What COKE does is cause the brain to be FLOODED with its own feel good chemicals. GUESS WHAT? The brain has a limit to how many feel-good chemicals it can produce. So the COKE is using up the natural pleasure chemicals in the brain and leaving your brain without a normal amount. This can lead to severe depression.
See, I always thought that it was the chemical/substance that made a person feel good. If that were the case, there would be a limitless supply of good times. But I found out that's not the way it works. The brain can only produce so much, then things begin to go downhill. That's why in the long run there are NO HAPPY ADDICTS. The brain just can't keep up with their demand.
Do you know how cocaine works? I found out by reading some scientific stuff and it really opened my eyes.
It is not the cocaine itself that has the feel good chemicals. What COKE does is cause the brain to be FLOODED with its own feel good chemicals. GUESS WHAT? The brain has a limit to how many feel-good chemicals it can produce. So the COKE is using up the natural pleasure chemicals in the brain and leaving your brain without a normal amount. This can lead to severe depression.
See, I always thought that it was the chemical/substance that made a person feel good. If that were the case, there would be a limitless supply of good times. But I found out that's not the way it works. The brain can only produce so much, then things begin to go downhill. That's why in the long run there are NO HAPPY ADDICTS. The brain just can't keep up with their demand.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: West Hills, CA
Posts: 10
You know, I've heard all the same things Jane is saying because I used to say them to myself. I was a cocaine addict for 3 years. I ended up quitting school during that time. When I went back to college, I replaced cocaine with alcohol, thinking I can be a "functional alcoholic." As for all those dreams I had, they went by the wayside, because I was so busy trying to stay away from coke, and now trying to stay away from alcohol has taken up what feels like ALL MY ENERGY. All of this because I refused to admit that I had a cocaine addiction. I know it seems like you're just enjoying the good times with friends, but in the end, you'll find yourself fiending. That's the very nature of addiction. It feels so simple, but it leads to a WORLD of problems!
It took me a lot of lonely nights to get away from the drug addicts I used to know. (It also took a restraining order, a hospital stay, and a $2000 bill to remove the sugar from my gas tank one of them put in it) Trust me, get away from them before your sucked in too far. And don't wait until your 24 (like me) to find a way to treat your addiction.
I know I'm a newbie, but I just connected to your story so much. I hope this helps.
It took me a lot of lonely nights to get away from the drug addicts I used to know. (It also took a restraining order, a hospital stay, and a $2000 bill to remove the sugar from my gas tank one of them put in it) Trust me, get away from them before your sucked in too far. And don't wait until your 24 (like me) to find a way to treat your addiction.
I know I'm a newbie, but I just connected to your story so much. I hope this helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
thanks eddie,cloudy lady and beerme93.u know i just wanted to have fun with my friends and forget my family problem cause my mom is mentally ill and that caused me lots of embaracment.they used that to let me join them .Now wheneveri feel sad fot silliest reason,the 1st thing taht gets into my mind is taking although i usually donn allow myself to take.But it's taking me an effort to do that and I started to hate that.I gues things are getting a bit out of control'.now i'm feeling so low and bad.my friend was convincing me to try shooting coke and i was always saying no but this is causing me lots of confusion.I feel so lost.i jsut wanted to have fun but now taht my grades are high i donnw anna screw up.To my family achievments are all that counts.i'm supposed to take care of my dad's business's .he was always proud taht i was his smart little girl.Thsi whole situation is causing me headaches.so tell me beerme93 how can i erase from my head this inner voice taht wants me to take.i could spends weeksa without taking but then whenver things get bad i remeber the high and feel taht i'm only gonna use for the last time.I'm starting to hate this struggle b/w taking and not taking.I just donn wants things to get out of control.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
You're welcome, Jane!!
Let there be no confusion! This person is NOT your friend. And you do not want to start injecting. I said it before, shooting up is totally different from snorting. It's almost like doing a different drug, a much more addictive drug. Don't start! Please!
Did you ever check out NA? We have a program designed just for that purpose. But in the meantime, do what we call "playing the tape all the way through" to the end. What will your CONSEQUENCES be? What about your grades? And the family business? Think about what you really want. Think about what is likely to happen if you keep taking. I wish you well!
Love, Eddie
my friend was convincing me to try shooting coke and i was always saying no but this is causing me lots of confusion.
how can i erase from my head this inner voice taht wants me to take.
Love, Eddie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Thanks eddie.U know I didn't shoot coke but I feel so down and really bad.They told me that they're gonna take and I didn't go with them but I can't stop thinking about it.I feel that I want to take coke.I just missed the high and th feeling it produced.I donn know why i'm not letting myself use coke.I could easily take with them but i'm just not allowing myself to do that.This causing me lots of pain cause I want it and I can easily get it .I donn know what to do .I started hating everything and all my friends were telling me to go shopping or whatever but I couldn't.i was jsut feeling too down. I'm sorry i'm bothering u all with this but this was the only place were I could really talk what's happening with me.My parents donn know anything about it and neither my friends.pls tell me what can I do.I just have one year to go at my college.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Jane,
You're welcome again!!
Yes, you do know.
I don't know what else to say that wouldn't be repeating myself. You keep saying you're confused and don't know what to do. Well, you've had lots of good suggestions here. Why don't you try some of them? Let us know how it goes!
Love, Eddie
You're welcome again!!
I donn know why i'm not letting myself use coke.
I don't know what else to say that wouldn't be repeating myself. You keep saying you're confused and don't know what to do. Well, you've had lots of good suggestions here. Why don't you try some of them? Let us know how it goes!
Love, Eddie
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Jane,
You have been weighing heavy on my mind since I read your first post.
You are so lucky to see that you are at a crossroads. You are looking at the road and tourmenting over which way to go. Most of us just wake one day and say ' How the hell did I get to this place?'. We have all been there and were just to out of touch or weak to recognize it.
The fact that you are in fret should be like a HUGE FLASHING NEON sign 'DON'T DO IT'. Why even take the chance? Why risk everything you have worked so hard for... your education and your future. Because it is easy - path of least resistance - not confrontational. Make a choice now to give yourself all of the oportunities the world has to offer.
I hope you find what you are looking for without the pain an inhanced state brings.
Take care of yourself, Cinn.
You have been weighing heavy on my mind since I read your first post.
You are so lucky to see that you are at a crossroads. You are looking at the road and tourmenting over which way to go. Most of us just wake one day and say ' How the hell did I get to this place?'. We have all been there and were just to out of touch or weak to recognize it.
The fact that you are in fret should be like a HUGE FLASHING NEON sign 'DON'T DO IT'. Why even take the chance? Why risk everything you have worked so hard for... your education and your future. Because it is easy - path of least resistance - not confrontational. Make a choice now to give yourself all of the oportunities the world has to offer.
I hope you find what you are looking for without the pain an inhanced state brings.
Take care of yourself, Cinn.
"Never give up on your dreams"
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: TX
Posts: 17
Jane,
I am going to shoot straight here...I have been following your post for sometime...I have been listening to you talk about tossing back in forth on how you can't seem to let "coke" go?...How your friends are a bad influence for you? Well, now I am going to speak frank to you...I think it is time to put the rubber to the road...It is time "sweet Jane" to "Step out of the Box"... It is time to realize "You're Special"....Jane you were not created to be a junkie...If you continue to hang in this crowd they will pull you into their game...It happened to me! I am telling you that this is possible...I have been clean since 1985 from pot and drinking...It was not until "I" made the choice to walk away from the "friends" that I had and come back to what I knew was the "truth"...
I had to realize that I had to "love" me...Jane if you don't "love" you...Jane noone else can "love you"..."Jane" love starts at home...I mean in you....
Jane...I am expecting you to report to us that you have made a leap of good faith...that you are taking this ..."step out of the box"....Jane you need counseling...Patterns of abuse and codependent behavior are hard to break unless you expose them...They follow obsessive behavior...Jane...I am going to "expect" good things of you...I know...you have worth...and "your" life has "PURPOSE"....SO REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS AGAIN....REMEMBER WHAT YOU ONCE SO DESIRED TO DO....It was not to snort coke....Jane you wanted to make a difference rememeber? ...I believe that you can beat this...So...How bout it? [email protected] is my email let me know OK?
I will be waiting for a good report...I love you ....Jilly
I am going to shoot straight here...I have been following your post for sometime...I have been listening to you talk about tossing back in forth on how you can't seem to let "coke" go?...How your friends are a bad influence for you? Well, now I am going to speak frank to you...I think it is time to put the rubber to the road...It is time "sweet Jane" to "Step out of the Box"... It is time to realize "You're Special"....Jane you were not created to be a junkie...If you continue to hang in this crowd they will pull you into their game...It happened to me! I am telling you that this is possible...I have been clean since 1985 from pot and drinking...It was not until "I" made the choice to walk away from the "friends" that I had and come back to what I knew was the "truth"...
I had to realize that I had to "love" me...Jane if you don't "love" you...Jane noone else can "love you"..."Jane" love starts at home...I mean in you....
Jane...I am expecting you to report to us that you have made a leap of good faith...that you are taking this ..."step out of the box"....Jane you need counseling...Patterns of abuse and codependent behavior are hard to break unless you expose them...They follow obsessive behavior...Jane...I am going to "expect" good things of you...I know...you have worth...and "your" life has "PURPOSE"....SO REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS AGAIN....REMEMBER WHAT YOU ONCE SO DESIRED TO DO....It was not to snort coke....Jane you wanted to make a difference rememeber? ...I believe that you can beat this...So...How bout it? [email protected] is my email let me know OK?
I will be waiting for a good report...I love you ....Jilly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
hey,
well I donn know what to say.This week was a very annoyin one for several reasons but i didn't use any coke.i just couldn't use .I guess I was scared especially after posting here.U know my father raised me alone cause my mom was sick.He was very caring but Ifelt kinda lonely until I met my bf and his friends.He was everything to me and he helped me in many situations but now he's becoming a pain on the neck.He wants me to join his world at times when i'm really feeling week.I know that if I 'm gonna stay with him i'm gonna end up like him so i decided to go away for a while just to figure out what to do.I feel sick of everything and i never imagined that I might like something that bad.but I'm not gonna give up and i donn wanna lose evrything.I just have to organize my situation.
well I donn know what to say.This week was a very annoyin one for several reasons but i didn't use any coke.i just couldn't use .I guess I was scared especially after posting here.U know my father raised me alone cause my mom was sick.He was very caring but Ifelt kinda lonely until I met my bf and his friends.He was everything to me and he helped me in many situations but now he's becoming a pain on the neck.He wants me to join his world at times when i'm really feeling week.I know that if I 'm gonna stay with him i'm gonna end up like him so i decided to go away for a while just to figure out what to do.I feel sick of everything and i never imagined that I might like something that bad.but I'm not gonna give up and i donn wanna lose evrything.I just have to organize my situation.
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
Jane, great job on not doing coke this week. it sounds like it was not easy for you but you are doing it. lonelyness is such a drag. we are here for you. why dont you go to an NA meeting? i am sure you will meet many good people there. Jane you have found your way here. you know you have a problem with drugs and you are doing something about it. keep up the struggle dont use one day at a time and give yourself a big hug. we are with you in your lonelyness. keep us posted and thanks for starting this thread.
"Never give up on your dreams"
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: TX
Posts: 17
Jane, I am so glad to hear you have decided to "stop and take a look"...
I have been praying for you...When I was at this point in the road where you are...It was not about "giant" leaps...It was about just making the "first" few steps toward the right doors...Then opening them and getting through them...Jane, this is what life is all about...It is about "one day at a time"...Yes, we make mistakes and sometimes we make "big" ones...These mistakes take a while to fix sometimes...Jane keep "hope" that oneday you will see the progress of your labor come forth...
Jane, remember....You're Special...you do have a purpose...and a destiny...I am expecting to hear good things....I am believing in you!
[email protected]
I have been praying for you...When I was at this point in the road where you are...It was not about "giant" leaps...It was about just making the "first" few steps toward the right doors...Then opening them and getting through them...Jane, this is what life is all about...It is about "one day at a time"...Yes, we make mistakes and sometimes we make "big" ones...These mistakes take a while to fix sometimes...Jane keep "hope" that oneday you will see the progress of your labor come forth...
Jane, remember....You're Special...you do have a purpose...and a destiny...I am expecting to hear good things....I am believing in you!
[email protected]
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Jane,
My PC crashed and I could not get on-line to see how you are doing.
I am so thrilled that you are taking time to look at your situation. Your b/f may be a great person, just a bit confused and does not have the strength you do. I think it is fantasic that you are in a postion to question the relationship and drug use. Because you are doing this, you have probably saved yourself from a lot of pain down the road. I wish I were this 'together' at your age.
As so many others, I can relate to a tough up-bringing. My dad like to beat up women and put them in the hospital, my Mom is border line nuts. She shot her husband in the back on my 16th birthday. You see we all have a curve ball or two thrown at us. You have to make a decision to move on with your life and take charge of what happens to you from here on out. I know it sounds so hard, but I know you can achieve anything you wish to.
Here is the ugly truth...... THEREPY really really really really enables the growth needed to move on. Once you realize that all of the mis-haps were and are not personal, you can move on. Not to say that you will not be upset by them on occasion, ummmmm.... they will not rule your life. And the giant hole in your heart will start to heal. As inane as it may be, my thought is that most have issues because we can not admit that the world does revolve around us. IE My father was and is a self-centered control freak. The fact that he can not treat me like I want him to is not a reflection of my weakness, but a reflection of his. Therefore, I do not set myself up for dissapointment any longer... I know what to expect and anything above or beyond is a bonus.
Take Care,
Cinn
My PC crashed and I could not get on-line to see how you are doing.
I am so thrilled that you are taking time to look at your situation. Your b/f may be a great person, just a bit confused and does not have the strength you do. I think it is fantasic that you are in a postion to question the relationship and drug use. Because you are doing this, you have probably saved yourself from a lot of pain down the road. I wish I were this 'together' at your age.
As so many others, I can relate to a tough up-bringing. My dad like to beat up women and put them in the hospital, my Mom is border line nuts. She shot her husband in the back on my 16th birthday. You see we all have a curve ball or two thrown at us. You have to make a decision to move on with your life and take charge of what happens to you from here on out. I know it sounds so hard, but I know you can achieve anything you wish to.
Here is the ugly truth...... THEREPY really really really really enables the growth needed to move on. Once you realize that all of the mis-haps were and are not personal, you can move on. Not to say that you will not be upset by them on occasion, ummmmm.... they will not rule your life. And the giant hole in your heart will start to heal. As inane as it may be, my thought is that most have issues because we can not admit that the world does revolve around us. IE My father was and is a self-centered control freak. The fact that he can not treat me like I want him to is not a reflection of my weakness, but a reflection of his. Therefore, I do not set myself up for dissapointment any longer... I know what to expect and anything above or beyond is a bonus.
Take Care,
Cinn
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Glad you are still posting. I read all of your posts as well. Listen to the wise words of the other posters on this thread.... They have been where you are now. My prayers are with you.
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