Dee74

I really think you need to reconsider Ach.
Your times of progress are when you're working your programme.

Impulsive actions are the hallmark of many an alcoholic.
This is an important decision.

Leaving your support over two people is not a reasoned decision IMO.

If you're going to leave at least have something as good or better to take its place.

Really give it some thought.

bumble

Her friends know more than you do.

You're flattered, you're lonely...I get it. "But" her telling you that is a red flag.

Acheleus

I don't understand.

PurpleKnight

Ach . . . stay in AA, take things as they come, if she wants to hang out as a friend, then fine, you'll both get some support in recovery, but just be mindful of what she said earlier about the 1 year!

Focus on your Sobriety and see what happens, but don't cut off your support!!

NoJimmy

I agree with the above. I'd consider setting your own boundaries, decide what's important to you, and stop reacting to what other people are doing.
The amount of worry this girl you spent just a few days with is a good indicator you aren't ready to deal with a relationship. I know how tough it is to be alone right now, you and I are close in sobriety, and I think about it far too much. But I know I need to gain more stability before I get involved with someone.

bumble

Don't understand what?

Don't understand what she wants? What you want? What?

Do you need to understand? Or do you just need to know this isn't good for YOU? You already know this isn't good for you; you wouldn't be agonizing over it otherwise.

TigerLili

There is nothing to understand. You are in early recovery and completely unavailable emotionally and spiritually for a relationship.

She is in recovery and by the sounds of it also in no position to be emotionally and spiritually available for a relationship.

Getting caught up in dramas of who is jealous of who and speculating as to why that might be is just high school nonsense. I strongly recommend going back to meetings, being civil to these people but not seeking them out or engaging with them. Politely turn them down if they invite you out.

Get a home group and a service position. Focus on your recovery and not the childish business of who 'likes' who and who is jealous of it. YOU WILL DRINK AGAIN IF YOU PERSIST IN THIS RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR.

Look for recovery friends who want to focus on recovery and not on dating.

If I avoided every situation where I perceived negative energy coming towards me from someone, I would have to conduct my life from my sock drawer. There will always be real or perceived negativity coming our way from somewhere.

You need a little fight in you. Your alcoholic voice is telling you to quit AA and be a victim to the shenanigans of these very unwell people. Find your backbone, brush it off and get to some different meetings.

Acheleus

I do not want to like this person. I did not see them today. I do not know what to do I hate being alone all the time. Why cant she just be with me?

Kensho

Emotional melodrama will be a threat to my sobriety-–always. Which means that emotional melodrama will be a threat to my health and well-being—always. No matter what the circumstance, or what anyone else does, I have to refuse to dramatize it. If that means the end of a relationship, or somebody doesn't like me because I won't stay in the melodrama, that's the way it has to be.

Notimetoloose

Hey Acheleus, Congratulations on 70 days, me too, at 70 days.

What comes through in your posts regarding this relationship is
your two minds. Also perhaps an agenda...

On one hand the heart wants what the heart wants.

The other hand Your head knows that this is not the right time and that your sobriety needs some time..

Loneliness can be a great motivator for for doing things that are not good for us also they can magnify desires and warp our needs.

If this relationship is meant to be you will both be there in several months.

Skye2

Hi Acheleus. I am wondering after remembering one of your previous posts, if you have heard of 'transference'? It's a phenomenon where people transfer feelings from a previous relationship onto someone new and is characterised by those emotions being super-strong. I think it was Freud's discovery but it's a while since I did my degree now.
You said previously, that last year you 'lost' your girlfriend of 5 years, which is making me wonder. Just a thought Xx

PS I believe the more normal term is 'rebound' x

Joe Nerv

Sounds to me like she's very confused, and scared. Sound to me like you're very confused, and scared. This has nothing to do with AA. At least most people in AA are trying to do what's best in most situations. I may have misunderstood what you said a few posts back, but if you're running away from AA because of this, I don't believe that's the healthy thing to do.

I got involved with a girl when I first got sober, and we were both confused, terrified messes. And it didn't go very well at all. And it lingered on for 2 years. Lots of ups and downs, lots of crazy crap, but I learned a lot from it, and I didn't drink.

As far as I'm concerned when it comes to stuff like this, 2 things mattered to me.

1. That I didn't pick up a drink, no matter how crazy, ugly, stupid, or excruciatingly painful it got.
2. That I kept my commitment to AA, the 12 steps, and my own personal growth.

With those 2 in place, I turned everything over to my HP on a daily basis, and I slowly healed.

We get sober to live, not run and not to hide. I don't want to run from anything that isn't cleary dangerous. I want to experience life for all it's worth. None of us are inside your head, nor the woman's head you're dealing with, and even if we were we still couldn't accurately predict the future or know what's best. Trust the universe, say some prayers, and let things follow their corse. Just don't drink no matter what, and don't quit AA. That's my advice anyhow, and I'm only giving it cuz you asked. Wishing you the best.

Acheleus

She told me she liked being with me but she was scared she would cross the boundaries.

Skye2

Are you not worth more than being messed around like this? I thought you two had already crossed the boundaries (with respect)
Think of YOU and your sobriety - this 'relationship' is not doing you any good at this point in time pal Xx

Acheleus

Staying in AA.

Joe Nerv

Great!

But know too that this girl is gonna drive you nuts. And don't drink. I believe this is how we learn and grow.

Renarde

I'm a female

She is a mixed up recovering alcoholic/addict, just as you are a mixed up recovering alcoholic.

I think this is a risky situation and I agree with Dee.

Skye2

Just had a bizarre thought - is it possible she's on SR and changes her behaviour after reading your posts? Like I said, just a bizarre thought and I'm probably wrong.

Renarde

And honestly I think there isn't much more toxic behavior than speculating about what other people are thinking. I lost years of my life to the despair and torture and elation speculating brings, in fact it was related to a relationship with an alcoholic who was constantly available/not available.

I would really go no contact on this and find a group that she isn't in.

Dee74

Renarde is so right here Ach - I believe that tells you everything you need to know.

D