Acheleus

Ok. I am around seventy days sober. I met a girl in AA, we got together, then she said I needed to work the steps and we could not be together. About a week goes by no contact.

Tonight she came up to me and asked me to go to a meeting. Then she called and wanted to go get coffee together. So we sat together for 4 hours and talked. She was very nervous and was acting fidgety, and I have no IDEA what is going on. Please, I really like this person and I am very confused.

Skye2

How did the conversation end - just before you parted? You don't have to answer that, but might give you some idea what's going on.
In my experience 'gut reaction' speaks volumes - listen to yours

Dee74

You know what the sensible thing to do is Ach.
I've seen many many people get involved too soon and both people go down.

D

TigerLili

Based on your previous posts about this girl, it doesn't sound like she is good for your sobriety. Can you just be friends for now without pushing for more?

In my experience, people who want relationships with me are very upfront and direct about it. Good relationships have a quality of ease about them, even in the beginning. I have never been confused when someone wants to date me (even if I don't want to date them in return lol). It's confusing when they DON'T want to date me and I am not picking up the hints or they are giving me mixed messages for whatever reason.

Speaking for myself, I would not spend time with a person I wanted to be in a relationship with if they weren't returning my feelings. I don't want to put myself though the pain and uncertainty.

And honestly, at 70 days sober, you are very fragile in many ways.

suki44883

AA recommends that we make no significant life changes for at least a year of becoming sober. Of course, this isn't a hard and fast rule, it's just a recommendation. Your focus right now should be on maintaining your sobriety.

I think the reason for that recommendation is that we are very fragile during our first year of recovery. If we get ourselves into a new relationship and something goes wrong, then it's possible, if not probable, that we'll grab a bottle to soothe our wounded pride or heart or whatever.

You will, of course, do whatever you will do, but I hope you'll think about how it might affect your recovery and act accordingly. If this relationship is meant to be, it will still be there after you get more ensconced in recovery.

Acheleus

Well we talked and we are comfortable around one another. We hugged goodbye and we laughed, I just do not know why she came up to me out of the blue. She said she had sat in front of her phone thinking should I call him, no , why is he not calling me. I honestly have no idea what to make of this. I do not know what is going on. I told her I think this other girl likes me and she looked jealous and she was thinking a lot but she would not tell me what she was thinking. We talked about our families, told stories, and I played it cool, I just acted nonchalant about the whole thing. I thought I would never get to spend time alone with her again. I just do not know what to do. Why do women act so unpredictable and change everything. I mean, she wouldnt want to sit and talk alone for hours if she wasnt trying to test me somehow right? Or am I just being an idiot? We were already intimate. This makes me want to stat away from these flaky people in AA.

suki44883

People in AA aren't all that different from you. They are in AA because they want recovery from alcoholism. Just like you. That doesn't mean they don't still have issues. Just as you have issues.

The most important thing for BOTH of you is your sobriety. She may be interested in you as relationship potential, and it sounds like you feel the same; however, the most important thing for both of you is to concentrate on your own recovery.

TigerLili

That sounds like quite a lot of drama already. I can see why people end up drinking in these situations.

Mentium

Sounds like you have girls chasing you! Enjoy it!

Acheleus

Yea and we were in a coffee shop/ bar. Everyone around was drunk. She asked me if I felt comfortable there and I really did not. She said her friends tell her to leave me alone, but she called ME and asked me to go out, and she was acting flustered at first. I really like her and she said she felt overwhelmed that I liked her. I do not know what I am doing. My sobriety is number one in my life, but I love just talking to her. We are very comfortable around each other--we can be quiet or chat. She said she just wants clear boundaries. But why sit with me and talk for hours? I actually wanted to leave earlier but felt it would seem rude.

Any females might know what is going on?

mecanix

Ach ,
you or i cannot divine whats going on in other peoples heads . It is a thing out of our control . Attraction other than the fundamentals of being reasonably clean and punctual are beyond our control .

You don't know whats going on ? well that is probably right where you should be having only met this woman a few times .

If this is stressing you out and making you unstable then you know what to do , you are not passive in this situation . if you can deal with the acceptance , rejection , up's and down's of getting to know someone then thats ok , if not then it might be better to keep this woman at arms length .
Better to be slow and steady than heedlessness IMHO why is there any reason to rush into anything, understand anything or do anything today ?

I started dating 2 years and 2 months into sobriety and it's been an up and down experience. With a strong practice in sobriety i feel able to deal with anything relationships can throw my way, can you honestly say the same ?

Stay cool

Bestwishes, m

PurpleKnight

Ach I would take the approach of her previous conversation about the 1 year sober and not having enough time Sober, until she says otherwise.

Today may have been her just wanting to hang out with someone in recovery, she might have just wanted a friend, and as she's close to you, she chose you. I agree this may send mixed signals, but for you to stay sane, and not get hurt, I'd stick to her previous outlining of things until she says otherwise!!

Acheleus

Ok I am just going to cut off all contact. That's what I tried to do but she approached me and then called, so I did not seek her out. So I guess the best thing to do is just stay away, because I like her very much. This makes me very bitter though, why can't she just stay away from me like she is supposed to do? I'm sure her sponsor tells her to stay away. And she took me to a bar because I think she knew no one would happen to see us there.

I can't think because of all this. But I had a good day at a music store and took a great walk looking at birds and the wonder of nature.

least

Why would someone in recovery ask another person in recovery to go out to a bar?? That doesn't make sense to me.

Acheleus

we had coffee

Anna

Achelus, you know that she is not good for you right now. Maybe there will be a time, but if she is causing this much drama in your life, I think it might be best to stay away from her for awhile.

jdooner

Good job Ach for staying sober.

least

Yes, but why go to a bar at all? Aren't there any coffee shops that don't sell alcohol?

soberhawk

Congrats on the 70 days

I think some serenity is probably best in the beginning.

Who knows what people are thinking, it is not always they know that themselfs.

Take care.

Acheleus

Leaving AA. Will talk to counselor on Tuesday. I was at a meeting and left because I got a wave of negative energy from someone. I went outside and stared at the stars. I just asked something in the universe to tell me what to do and it told me to leave so I left. In bed crying now because I have no one and this girl does not respect my emotions. The wave of negative energy came from a man who seems jealous of me.