ClearMind

Hey everyone,

I have read many posts on here from people who have relapsed and are concerned that they have to start their sober date over again. I think that possibly we can be too caught up in this that it causes us to lose hope and then not even try to get back on the wagon.

If someone has a slip after being sober for 3 months, then while it's not the best case scenario, it's certainly not the end of the world. The best thing we can do is just get back on the wagon and continue along, and not be worried about having to reset our sober date. While it is true that it can motivate some people, for others the idea of "starting over" may prove too daunting and motivation may be lost. I find this may be dangerous.

In my opinion, recovery is a journey and part of this journey is these slips along the way. Instead of focusing on the slip from last night, we should instead focus on the 3 months before that and gain confidence from this in knowing that we can indeed be sober and enjoy life. I'm a big fan of using everything. There is no such thing as failure if we keep trying, we can learn from the experience and while it's obviously not a good thing to "drink" after a period of sobriety, if it does happen then we can use this to try and avoid future slips.

I had a slip up about a month ago, and the day after I felt terrible about it. After thinking about it, though, it didn't seem like that big of a deal. I really focused on the benefits I got from having those few beer - and it became obvious that there were really no benefits at all. It was not fun at all. I was in a "fun" environment, but I've gone many times in the previous few months to similar types of environments without alcohol and had fun too. The alcohol was not required in this situation at all, and in fact offered no benefits whatsoever. Because I realized this, I was happy with this slipup because I viewed it as a training exercise that I learned something from.

Not sure if this makes sense at all, but the point I am trying to convey is basically that there will be slipups along the way of recovery. It's not an easy process at the start, but if you approach things with the right attitude then in the end it will make us better, sober, people.

Thanks for listening! (reading)

KateL

Your post makes prefect sense to me and I agree entirely with every word. We must be very like-minded A big part pf my recovery was to not beat myself up and obsess over dates. x

IOAA2

Hi. You make a couple of valid points. The problem is we deal with alcoholism of which volumes have been written and spoken about. We have to remember that it's cunning, baffling and very powerful.

I've been sober in AA probably longer than many here have been alive and in that time period no one has been granted a guarantee a return try after a relapse. That includes people with 1 day to 40 years. I never kept track but will guess the majority never were able to plug the jug and it led to many suicides. Grim but it's a fact as I lost some very close sober friends whose thinking went downhill.

BE WELL

HenryKrinkle

I find sobriety dates to be more beneficial than harmful.

As in this scenario:

"I have 40 days sober. If I drink now, I will have to start over at day 1 and I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to drink."

That really resonates with me.

KateL

People are different. And although I don't advocate that slips are ok and you should keep having them, in my experience, those who don't come back are those who think they have lost the battle because they don't think it's posssible to come back from a slip. People are just saying that is very possible, especially with encouragement, and perhaps those who didn't come back hadn't realised this. I had more slips with AA then anywhere else and was so frowned upon that I, indeed presumed the battle was lost. My thinking has never gone downhill since I left. We all have different philosophies. x

ReadyAtLast

I've just over a year sober. If I have a drink today then in my mind tomorrow will be day 1 no matter how I try to pretend of dress it up that it isn't.

Of course I've not lost the last 12 months or any of the lessons learnt but I'm only kidding myself though if I drink again for a day then quit and think my continuous period of sobriety continues.

Of course, it's a very personal journey but I' m with Henrykrinkle on this, I don't want to lose my x days of continuous sobriety.

foolsgold66

What's done is done, no need to dwell.

I'd call the rest of it dangerous thinking for me.

KateL

Yes, which is great and I'm pleased for you.x But as I say, some of us have different philosophies and is nice that like-minded people can identify without being told they are wrong. xx

KateL

My slips early on were like learning curves and eventually I learned enough is enough. I have to look at the process positively to keep me well, but that is just me. No one is wrong here. xxxxx

deeker

agreed, there should be a consequence to picking up. Having to change our date is one of them. If the date was so important in the first place I wouldn't have picked up on my last relapse 1 yr ago. I had 10 months and started again at day 1 cuz it was my truth.

FreeOwl

if it works for you, if it keeps you sober, then do that thing.



I think we all have different ways of approaching sobriety. Personally, when I've gone back to drinking, I've re-introduced and re-set. I have used the lessons learned as 'evidence' to support my choice to re-enter sobriety. I have given myself credit for having sobriety in the past... but I re-set my counting because it feels the most authentic to me.

But, that's just for me. If something else works for you and keeps you sober. Keep doing that thing.

doggonecarl

I agree with your premise. A slip shouldn't derail our recovery. Unfortunately, the other end of the pendulum is that people have a blasé attitude toward relapse. That it's just part of recovery...that alcoholics all do it, that it's okay.

Sobriety dates, counting sober days...these are not hard fast rules for recovery. However, one's attitude towards them says a lot about one's recovery.

I remember as I approached 180 days, I wanted to drink. For one day. That meant I went from drinking daily to once in 6 months. In my mind that was fantastic. A 98.75% decrease in my drinking.

I didn't drink. I realized that I was using alcoholic thinking to bend the numbers to my favor--to drink. I didn't want a 98% decrease, I wanted to never drink again. Honesty was key. Honesty regarding my start date, to my days sober, to what a slip was.

That's me. Others deal with there recovery differently, and God bless them and their sobriety. But like IOAA2, I've seen the ones that are carefree about their relapses and they never come back.

ClearMind

The process is certainly different for different people. The rationale behind "I have been sober for 90 days so I don't wan to take that first drink" is certainly invaluable and can be used as motivation to stay sober. All I am saying is that if there is a slipup, then we have to realize that the past can't be changed. It's of no benefit to dwell on a slipup. The sobriety date can be used as motivation to stay sober, but if there is a slipup - and let's face it, for many people there is one, at least at the first stages of recovery - then what I'm saying is that we have to accept our slipup and be not so much concerned with the slipup as we are about the overall recovery process.

Focusing on our sobriety date is effective for as long as we stay sober, but for those who have slipped up it can actually be a negative thing to dwell on, and this whole recovery process should be based around positivity in my opinion.

KateL

I am not carefree about relapses at all and I don't think I have read any such thing on this forum. Relapses are truly terrible experiences. To me it is about not beating yourself up and moving on. I was told in the early days when relapsing that I was a hopeless case, so for a while, gave up and returned to round the clock drinking. Then one day, a kindly soul told me that I could start again and put it behind me, so I did. The people who told me I was a hopeless case were treading on very dangerous ground.

ClearMind

I think the major disconnect here is the time frame. I think that if we're sober for any length of time, it's great to use sobriety dates as a motivator to remain sober, because all that can do is help. And I'm all for anything that is helpful!

But if the unfortunate happens - we slip up and drink - then I think it benefits us to at least temporarily derail the idea that the sobriety date is of the upmost importance and instead focus on getting back on track. Starting from day one (speaking from experience) can be deflating. It can detract from the previous 90 days (or whatever) that I may have spent without a drink, as I am not thinking about the positives around my sober time but instead I am thinking "I'm back at day one". It's just like the book "As A Man Thinketh" - your world consists of only what you think of it. If we're thinking only in terms of sobriety dates, then we are thinking of "it's day one again" and not of the previously positive sober period.

This is all, of course, my own opinion and gathered from my own experiences.

HenryKrinkle

I didn't say anyone was wrong. I just talked about what resonates with me. And that's OK.

KateL

I know sweetie. I was just trying to say we all do what works for us We are all a bit different and none of us are wrong. It wasn't meant to come across as rude, I'm sorry if it came across that way xxx

IOAA2

I don't know what they think, however from a lot of years observation this disease wants to control ones thinking and actions. For me after plugging the jug it was necessary to be in and active in AA not around it. I needed to surrender and follow directions of those who were successful, not the "act as ifs."
Those who don't come back wanted to drink more than they wanted to get sober as I did for too long as I thought it was easier.
Again we are struggling in the beginning with a disease and we are sensitive, tender, don't suffer well etc. Add to that the mental and emotional damage we've done to ourselves along with our misguided immature thinking, depression,low self esteem along with the desire to isolate it's a wonder any are sober.

BE WELL

KateL

What does plugging th jug mean? sorry to sound a bit daft x

IOAA2

It's an old way of saying about not opening the bottle.

BE WELL