FeenixxRising

I've been there. If you quit drinking, you will never need to experience this kind of emotional pain again. To alleviate some of the pain immediately, start working on a plane to quit. Doing so will help you gain a little peace of mind. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

regicide

time heals and this to will pass,

JaylaaKent

My sponsor calls that "terminal uniqueness". We think we did something soo horrible and shameful - it's unbearable to us and potentially those around us. Nice of you to check in with the human race - who is also imperfect and screws up CONSTANTLY. There are people who act like idiots and do dumb stuff without drinking - so cut yourself some slack. Journal how you feel - or write it down in a God Box and forget about it. I know when I journal - I go back and read post- debauchery episodes and it sure helps me stay sober/out of trouble. Hang in there.

Oh and the anxiety and impending doom will leave once you have some distance between you and the brain scramble of alcohol (3-18 months - not a few days depending on how long you drank).

Kaneda8888

Beak

Please dont feel ashamed or guilty or remorseful. Those emotions will only drag down your self esteem which makes you vulnerable. And so the downward spiral continues. Learn from your mistake, get back up and start thinking about your drinking habits and whether you have a problem with alcohol. If so, you are certainly at the right forum !

beak

My desire to drink has resumed it's normal position that was temporarily filled by my hangover amplified humiliation. I can't hear or read certain words without wincing and I'm wondering if I have lasting mental trauma but a bottle of wine would be nice.

I remembered yet another dark moment from my dark Saturday just today -- must I spend the night suffering that new pain? I can see the pattern unfolding before me. I have composed and deleted many posts. Don't post again... You know why... Why spend this night sober when eventually you won't? Why go to the gym today? You're going to flake out tomorrow. Cancel your membership. Don't post again.

Day 2

Melina

Please hang in there, beak....keep posting, keep fighting the AV.

wehav2day

oh beak, I've been there too. it took me maaaaaaaannnny attempts to get sober because I listened to that voice. if I had it to do over, I would have hopefully learned much sooner to tell that voice to shut the Hizzell up.

you deserve to be sober, if that's what you want. you deserve to walk down the street with your head held high, having remembered what you did the night before. you deserve to wake up in the morning tired, but refreshed. that's what hangover free feels like.

you can do this. tell that voice to flock off.

shay17

Hi Beak,
Thanks for sharing your story. I think most of us can relate to that feeling you're presently enduring. It's sheer and utter misery to feel such a heavy load of guilt & shame. It feels like you'll never be the same again.

I'd get so overwhelmed with shame that I nearly planned a move out of the area I live because I thought I could never even drive by the restaurants/bars where I got drunk. My heart nearly exploded at the thought of ever running into someone who might have seen me in such a state. I couldn't wear half of the clothes in my wardrobe because each article of clothing had some sort of humiliating story attached to it.

FINALLY, I realized that 90% of my suffering in life, was optional!!! 25 days later, I find laughter sooo easily instead of dread and misery. The horrible things I thought I did 26-30 days ago, have faded into the past where it belongs and hopefully its the last past drunk experience of my entire life.

best wishes. keep posting

trudgingagain

Keep posting, beak...and hang in there. I think we have all been there....our past makes us the people we are today. Sober....

Erratic

Oh i understand about saying what were going to do and prob do it, but we feel what is the point. The drink is same as what we want to happen like in the gym but we cant but we do but feel ****.

I will say there is no reason why u cant be sober on a night and u could go to the gym, it will cause u thoughts and reactions, but u can. I did but havent done for long while.

To me im going through mentalezation, which i do understand where ur coming from and why keep drinking

sry i do have things to say, but imi unsure how to express them to you.

I could be totaly wrong.

MIRecovery

AA worked for me when all else failed. will power was important but it was never enough

soberhawk

You want regret stopping you know.

It is a little hard to do – but it does fell great to have done it.

countingdays

I can COMPLETELY relate. In fact I was reminded of one such incident just the other day. My husband and I had a friend of ours over for dinner while her husband was out of town. Later in the evening, he went upstairs to check on something. When he came back down, she was gone. I still really only have a foggy idea of what I said/did to her to make her leave so abruptly...and honestly, I don't think I want to know because from what I do remember it was extremely awkward. My husband came back down and asked what happened and I had no idea....but his questioning did snap me out of a black out briefly. Anyway, Despite my general apology the day after to her and my subtle fishing for answers, neither she or her husband have ever communicated with us again. I was mortified and still am when I think of it. The worst part is that this was not only long standing friends of my husband's, but also work colleagues of his who know many of the same folks we do. I'm not aware of any of the fallout from my actions, but I assume my husband has sheltered me from it if there was any. My actions (whatever they were) ruined a budding friendship for me and a long standing one for my husband . We were in their neighbourhood and I was so nervous that we would run in to them and that shame and embarrassment would come flooding back. We didn't see them, but the only saving grace would have been that I was sober last weekend and have been for going 17 days. I will never change their impression of me from that night, all I can do is try to be a better person moving forward and forgive myself for my past behaviour while drunk. Pretty much every action that I'm ashamed of has happened while I was drunk....And there is a lot shame . Ugh. We never have to wake up again with those feelings of "oh my gosh. What did I do?!?". Don't take the first sip. No matter what.

DoubleDragons

Counting Days, I appreciate and can relate to this story. I lost a friendship this way, turning the neighborhood pool into a bar scene. UGH! Anyway, you said that much pretty anything that you have done that you regret you have done when you were drunk. I keep a notebook of points/quotes/resources that people have stated on this SR forum that remind me of why I want to remain sober. I am sorry, I don't know who wrote this, but it kind of reiterates what you were saying, CD:

I did not get into trouble every time I drank but every time I get into trouble I have been drinking.

I, DD, only have a handful of regrets in sober moments but unfortunately I have a bushel full of regrets in drunken moments.

beak

Thank you to everyone on this thread. I doubt I'd be in day 3 if it weren't for the site and the amazing empathetic people here. I'm still mortified and always will be, but I'm feeling a little more relief and less of an urge to drink than yesterday. If I make it past day 4 that'll be a personal record. Trying not to despair of some imagined relapse that hasn't happened yet -- one day at a time is real ****.

Leana

Glad you're here! I could have written your post a few years ago. I hated that feeling. It was a good day when I realized that I hated that feeling more than I loved drinking.

Make today Sober Day #1 and keep coming back. It really helps.

Melina

I'm glad you're still here, beak.

I cringe at things I did drunk years ago. I think it's part of what got us all here.

Hevyn

Hi beak. Congratulations on getting to Day 3. We all know how hard it is.

I did out of character and dangerous things all the time at the end of my drinking days. I'd been drinking for decades and had spun completely out of control. I drank day and night - it was never out of my system. That's when I found SR - and to my amazement there were others who had been through the same thing. I had no one else to discuss it with, so I stayed here where I was understood and cared about. That was 6 yrs. ago and I made it - I never drank again. Please be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. You can do this beak.

Marktg34

Stop beating yourself up. Stop hiding bottles of alcohol. Stop placing blame etc.Stop allowing yourself to feel like this by allowing yourself peace time and let your body recover.its no point feeling guilty about it especially when you are hungover. Put a care plan in place for yourself so if you feel like you will drink again call a support line or a help line to talk through your feelings instead of allowing yourself to drink.

Erik1980

I was just where you are at all week. Physical and mental anguish. I finally feel better to some degree. Today starts day 1 of hopping off the booze train, you can start today too. Best of luck!