DaneK

I know I’m an alcoholic. In my heart I know. It’s not an easy pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. And yes, if I keep drinking my alcoholism will only get worse. I know it. I’ve known for a long time now, even when I didn’t want to accept it.

It’s funny… some people at AA said I might not be a true alcoholic, and I wanted to be one just so I could “feel” like I belonged, like I was part of the gang; because I was well aware that I had a drinking problem that I could not solve on my own, and if I didn’t belong in AA, then what hope was there for me? On the other hand, when being told I am an alcoholic I begin desperately trying to bargain my way out of being labeled “alcoholic;” for being told I’m an alcoholic means that I need to quit drinking – that I can’t simply just cut down – but must completely abstain, and truth be told, I still want to drink. I just don’t want it damaging my life anymore.

I already know that I CAN’T simply cut down; that just isn’t an option!

DaneK

I don’t know how I’ll recover from alcohol. My past attempts weren’t very successful in the least; perhaps I wasn’t serious enough about recovery then. In a few days I’ll step back on to dry land and be faced with the temptation. Sometimes I’m confident, sometimes not. I don’t know what my plan of attack will be. I still have a few days here at work to think about it. Believe me; it’s about all I’ll be thinking about!

For so long my last days offshore would be filled with thoughts about drinking – now my last days at work are consumed by thoughts of sobriety! It’s so new and foreign to me! Am I really ready to do this? Am I really ready to walk the road to recovery? As mentioned before, sometimes I’m bursting with confidence in my decision to quit drinking but other times I feel scared and unsure.

I want to recover. Since my first AA meeting in March of this year I’ve read countless recovery articles, visited numerous sobriety web pages, and even attended online AA meetings as well as face to face groups, even when I was still drinking and gave up trying to quit; so there is certainly a part of me that wants what recovery has to offer! Unfortunately for my recovery there is a part of me that wants to bargain; namely a voice asking, “Can’t I just cut down? Do I really have to quit?”
I’ve made my mind up – I’m walking the path to recovery! But that’s not to say that my mind isn’t racing with questions and “what if’s.”

phoebe64

Dane, we are all afraid of change and saying goodbye to our constant companion. But you will feel good and strong and proud for walking away from this friend who is no friend at all, but pioson for your body, mind and spirit. Maybe you have no one to answer to, because you have made it that way. Isolating yourself with your drinking?

Maybe try to busy yourself by getting into an activity, ro going to AA meetings if you want to try that. Maybe a different group, if the last one did not help you so much? Think of a plan to keep busy, at first. Just to keep you from drinking. Rest, eat well, and exercise, etc... Just nurture your body and self. The rest will come.

Uninvited

Dane - Good for you. I know it sounds trite, but it really is about focusing on one day at a time. Here I sit at day 21 sober and I just know that I'm not going to drink today. I will make it to day 22. You need to be thinking the same thing when your feet hit dry land. You will not drink that day.

sicknote

Danek, again I'm glad I came and read your post today. I drink half of what you do, but I will still go into blackout, and I relate with EVERYTHING you just said.

I don't feel like I fit in at AA, I don't think I drink enough, what if people think I'm a fake or a fraud? what if they don't want me there? It just made me feel horrible, but like you, I've been doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can think of to NOT make me an alcoholic. You know, maybe I'm just a bit depressed, maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just need a better job, maybe I just need some exercise. At the end of the day, I wasn't able to start helping myself until I started excepting that I can not drink. That horrible poison that I love so dearly is ruining me and tearing my soul apart. Its left nothing but desolate despair where I should have a life.

I don't care if this makes me an alcoholic, you can call me bugs bunny if it means I don't pick up a drink. Instead of worrying what I'm going to refer to myself as, I'm going to concentrate on the problem I have, which is my obsession with drink. Unlike most normal people, I know that if I have one drink I'll want more, and I'll wake up tomorrow feeling like crap, I know this because I've done it over and over, time and time again.

Who cares what we are? Lets just eradicate alcohol from our lives.

If I had to put a name to my condition, I guess I'd call it alcoholism. For me, drink really is just a symptom, a reaction to my inability to deal with life. In order to get to the route of the problem, relieve my condition, and live a happier more for-filling life, I must first abstain.

I'm not doing AA, I was, but I'm not right now. This site helps me.

sicknote

DaneK

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread, but I am working on my 10th day of recovery, have been attending AA daily, and even got a sponsor! I do have an alcohol problem and my life is unmanageable... And I can't fix either problem on my own . Thank you all so much!!!

duane1

Your pattern of drinking sounds a bit like what mine was. I could go the whole day without thinking about drinking. Until the evening. Then it was 2 fisting it till I passed out. Rinse and repeat. At one time I could go periods without drinking if it wasn't available like when I was overseas in Kuwait. However, I was right back to where I was when I got back.
As my addiction grew, I drank a few times very early if I had the day off.
Why don't you see if you can stop for a while when it is available to you. If you can't, I would say you certainly have a problem. Also, even if you can go a month without drinking now, doesn't mean in a year or two you will be able to stop. Addiction can grow really fast.

GotGrace

Dane, congratulations on 10 days! Fabulous work! I remember reading your original post a few weeks ago. You've come a long way!

Stay at it and stick around. We are all rooting for you!

ctrl

Congrats on the 10 days, Dane. I was in your situation for years. I never got to the daily drinking, but I never "learned" how to control my consumption. Also, "responsible" drinking for me was a brutal task. I could have 1-2 drinks if I did nothing but focus on that one thing. I would miss out on everything else at the event, but I would say, "SEE! I'm not an alcoholic. I only had 2 drinks!"

Sobriety is teaching me that there is so much more to life than a beer or two.

Dee74

great progress DaneK - way to go on the ten days

D

resolute50

That is great 10 days...whoohoo!!!

trudgingagain

I agree that it is all semantics. That's a lot of alcohol....does it matter what the "label" is? I consider myself an alcoholic. Totally have been a functioning alcoholic. Doctorate degree, job for 30 years, to which I showed up (almost) daily and enjoyed a great reputation. We come, as someone else said, in all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life. The real question is what do you think and do you want to change anything?

Venecia

Hi, Dane: First and foremost, congratulations on 10 days. Others have made many good points about labels so I'll try not to be redundant. But I'll share one observation: whatever it is that plagues us, it is progressive. If someone had told me 10 or 15 years ago the amount that I would eventually reach, I would have been horrified. On some levels, I "managed," but defining "management" is troublesome. At some point, change is the only option. And it has to be significant, substantive change. That's why we're here. Keep taking good care of yourself and keep believing in yourself!