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Old 08-28-2013, 08:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My screen name is Paddler...


My name is Jon. I logged into SR for the first time after a drunken Christmas mess last year.

For 8-9 months I have tried and tried to rationalize why I can get a grip on my drinking and drink normally.

The only rational conclusion I have come to... I can't. I'll never. Man do I want to... but I can't.

10 days sober. 3 days drunk. 7 days sober. 4 straight mornings of drinking "light beer" at 8 a.m. Sweating at night... shaking... highs from the "pink cloud of sobriety..." drunk again. withdrawal.

Nothing about it is normal. The only pattern I'm living is that of prolonging what I know in my heart needs to happen. Abstinence.

I was scared to log in here again. Logging into SR brought back a lot of bad memories and reiterated my personal thoughts and reflections of just how long I've prolonged the inevitable. Saying goodbye to alcohol.

My friend and "quasi" sponsor (quasi because I've been reluctant to commit) tells me you reach the point where you "can't live with alcohol and you can't live without it"....

He is absolutely right. And, I get it now.

I scrolled through lots of threads by folks who have come here for the same reasons I have and I felt sad. I felt sad because I didn't recognize, other than the moderators, any names of people who were here when I first logged in... and left.... People, like me, who came for help and left... to re-enter the struggles of addiction.

I'm back. And my message to others is if you logged into this site thinking you had a drinking problem you needed to control; it will not get better. Stick around. Don't fight the cycle any longer. Don't hold out hope you can drink normally. If you are here - you won't drink normally. And that is o.k. It's o.k. to be an addict. It's o.k to move on... to say goodbye.

I have a three week old baby. I have two other kids.... 5 and 3. I first sought help because I wanted to be a better father.

It's time to break the cycle... it's time to move on. It is time to be free of my addiction.... =)

And that feels really damn good to type out....

It's good to be back. Thank you for your support.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome back. Really moving and inspirational post there. Looks like you've had that "ah-ha" moment. It sounds like you're committed, and sounds like you have some wonderful reasons for it. Congrats, welcome, and thanks for sharing. Looking forward to your posts.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome! I wish I had done this when my son was young like your babies.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I remember you paddler And I am glad you are back!!
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The key to my recovery- Surrender to my alcoholism, turn my will over to God, expect nothing and accept reality.

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I stopped waiting on 11/13/2012.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I have stopped and started many times over the years. This time feels different though-- just past 10 months now for me.

We can all do this--abstinence works best of all.

Welcome back and congrats on the newest addition to your family.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Paddler. Look forward to seeing you here for a long time.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I too have been away from SR, but ready to do this again. Great post! Yep...it's time...
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddler View Post
The only pattern I'm living is that of prolonging what I know in my heart needs to happen. Abstinence.
bravo!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddler View Post
And that feels really damn good to type out....
I'll bet it does
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome back and congratulations on the newest member of your family. Very commendable, wanting to be the best father you can be.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome back Paddler

yeah the end days of my drinking were like juggling jellyfish.
I'm glad I gave up on that

D
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I have been here a little over a month and am surprised at the number of people who have left this forum because they feel they can successfully moderate their drinking. I am happy you got the "epiphany" and realised moderation is impossible for true alcoholics.

A million kudos to you!
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome back Paddler. I remember you as well. I made a decision similar to yours to finally end the hell drinking was making my life into earlier this year and so far so good. I also slowly left SR last year and moderated myself back to full drinkng in short order. SR is my primary support-it works, if you let it!
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:56 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hello Paddler!! Took me about 5 months to join the class of August 2013. Glad you are back!!!
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I was an active member on the site when I first joined. Several months after my youngest was born my spiral to rock bottom began. I've been clean for about a year and a half and I'm glad I got back onto SR. I felt awkward coming back because I felt I let people down. It's good to be back though.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hey Paddler, you sure have come to the right place! Life got so much easier once I finally gave up, and accepted that the idea of relaxing with a drink was a fantasy. It was never a drink, and it was far from relaxing—I get exhausted just thinking about the effort it took to try to moderate! No can do. Those days are long gone, if they were ever there at all.

Guess what? I don't miss it! Everything's better—especially how I feel about myself as a parent. And as a fellow paddler, I can tell you it's a lot easier to maneuver a kayak when you're not hung over.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Somebody here once wrote....
"My drinking is a misreable affair, now I just keep pouring it down my neck to stop feeling bad".

Good luck.
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Old 08-29-2013, 01:09 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Welcome Paddler, you're in the right place - I tried to control my drinking initially too - it really didn't work and I'm now on day 40 . I feel like I am coming out of a really thick fog finally - initially I was so tired to my bones, couldn't sleep / function. My mood swings and emotions were all over the shop but with each day, I feel like I am reclaiming my life back, becoming a better/nicer/ more patient version of my former self and I enjoy spending time with my kids again whereas before it was such a chore as I was either hungover or craving a drink.

It does get easier with time (which unfortunately you can't rush) - stick with it - keep posting. You can do this

Good luck to you xxxxxx
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:33 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you all. It's good to be back. The "at the end of my drinking I felt like I was juggling jellyfish" comment hit home.

When I started this journey it always struck me as strange so many people said they battled for years and years before finally pulling the plug - or plugging the jug.

Now I know why. I trust I'm not alone as a drunk who really, really didn't want to let go of the booze. We had a lot of good times together. Those good times have transformed into long, vicious cycles of trying to not feel awful after a binge. I have tried being a drinker for 12 years and have been incredibly successful.

I know I can drink... and drink...

Not drinking will be a trying challenge... but my body and mind have told me it's time to move on to sobriety. Thanks again for all of the support.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:46 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hello Paddler

Your line about finding it strange that people said they battled for years, struck a cord with me.
When I read that it made me see that I too was battling over and over again, once I realized that I almost instantly had a different perspective, one that showed me I was at least trying for a long time. Once I saw I was trying I guess I finally decided to help myself in winning the battle. I didn't need to keep beating myself up for failing, I started the fight , I just needed to get on the winning side.
Thx for the post
wish you well
plunge in and keep paddling
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:21 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Welcome back Paddler! I remember you and your posts were inspiring to me. I'm stuck in the same boat friend and have also drawn the same conclusions. Three weeks until last night but back fighting the fight and I know that abstinence is the only way for me. Glad you're back here.
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