Paddler

My name is Jon. I logged into SR for the first time after a drunken Christmas mess last year.

For 8-9 months I have tried and tried to rationalize why I can get a grip on my drinking and drink normally.

The only rational conclusion I have come to... I can't. I'll never. Man do I want to... but I can't.

10 days sober. 3 days drunk. 7 days sober. 4 straight mornings of drinking "light beer" at 8 a.m. Sweating at night... shaking... highs from the "pink cloud of sobriety..." drunk again. withdrawal.

Nothing about it is normal. The only pattern I'm living is that of prolonging what I know in my heart needs to happen. Abstinence.

I was scared to log in here again. Logging into SR brought back a lot of bad memories and reiterated my personal thoughts and reflections of just how long I've prolonged the inevitable. Saying goodbye to alcohol.

My friend and "quasi" sponsor (quasi because I've been reluctant to commit) tells me you reach the point where you "can't live with alcohol and you can't live without it"....

He is absolutely right. And, I get it now.

I scrolled through lots of threads by folks who have come here for the same reasons I have and I felt sad. I felt sad because I didn't recognize, other than the moderators, any names of people who were here when I first logged in... and left.... People, like me, who came for help and left... to re-enter the struggles of addiction.

I'm back. And my message to others is if you logged into this site thinking you had a drinking problem you needed to control; it will not get better. Stick around. Don't fight the cycle any longer. Don't hold out hope you can drink normally. If you are here - you won't drink normally. And that is o.k. It's o.k. to be an addict. It's o.k to move on... to say goodbye.

I have a three week old baby. I have two other kids.... 5 and 3. I first sought help because I wanted to be a better father.

It's time to break the cycle... it's time to move on. It is time to be free of my addiction.... =)

And that feels really damn good to type out....

It's good to be back. Thank you for your support.