hi, im falling apart and desperate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
hi, im falling apart and desperate
i started drinking when i was 15. i got into an abusive relationship at 16, which ended when i called the police when i was 18 years old and 7 months pregnant. the trial went on for 6 months ending when my son was 4 months old, my ex got 5 years. i actually managed to stop drinking a few years later, and i didnt drink for 2 years. then i found out ex was getting out of jail and i immediately began again. that was 2 years ago. i feel so old, i always looked much younger than i was(which i loved as i am terrified of ageing) but now i look horrendous. i am fine during the day, but as soon as 6pm starts nearing i cant think of anything non-alcohol related.
so this is day 1. i drank last night......not tonight. never again. i need to grow up and put others before me. i need to appreciate what and who i have. i need to look after myself.
i would appreciate some support as my determination has failed in the past and i need to hold out this time.
thank you
x
so this is day 1. i drank last night......not tonight. never again. i need to grow up and put others before me. i need to appreciate what and who i have. i need to look after myself.
i would appreciate some support as my determination has failed in the past and i need to hold out this time.
thank you
x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hi Smadams . You have come to the right place . You have taken the first step . There is always someone here to talk to . Congrats to you for recognising you are an alcoholic and are doing something about it ....hugz xx
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Welcome smadam! You will find sooooo support advise courage and strength here! Get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes 
As far as looks go( I know it's superficial, but I'm a girl). The ravage that alcohol does to your appearance can be reversed. When I was drinking every eve I would wake to horror I couldn't understand how my skin was such a mess. I can tell you that after 4 and half months my appearance and body has never been better.
A little something I did in the first two months to keep me motivated in the vanity department...... Take a pic of yourself every day no makeup. Just looking in the mirror Will be hard to catch those small changes that happen everyday when you wake up sober. But you will have physical prove. When I scroll through mine now it looks like trick photography. And I have those pics as a physical reminder of what my face as an alcoholic looked like.
Be well
As far as looks go( I know it's superficial, but I'm a girl). The ravage that alcohol does to your appearance can be reversed. When I was drinking every eve I would wake to horror I couldn't understand how my skin was such a mess. I can tell you that after 4 and half months my appearance and body has never been better.
A little something I did in the first two months to keep me motivated in the vanity department...... Take a pic of yourself every day no makeup. Just looking in the mirror Will be hard to catch those small changes that happen everyday when you wake up sober. But you will have physical prove. When I scroll through mine now it looks like trick photography. And I have those pics as a physical reminder of what my face as an alcoholic looked like.
Be well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
thank you
thank you all for your kind words. i will definitely be doing the photos every day as suggested-what a great idea!
i dont have a plan to be honest. i have made plans in the past and they didnt work, so im just going to keep busy and wing it, i think.
my real worry is day 2(or rather night 2) as i have managed 1 night before. problem is i cant sleep when sober so i stay up all night and by the next night i am tired, stressed and 'numbed', and my mind seems to think i am allowed to drink-just for tonight!
urrgghhh......but thank you. i have not had support before so im hoping that will make a difference......im going to be on here alot i think.
or i will be here for a day, then disappear and you can guess why....
i dont have a plan to be honest. i have made plans in the past and they didnt work, so im just going to keep busy and wing it, i think.
my real worry is day 2(or rather night 2) as i have managed 1 night before. problem is i cant sleep when sober so i stay up all night and by the next night i am tired, stressed and 'numbed', and my mind seems to think i am allowed to drink-just for tonight!
urrgghhh......but thank you. i have not had support before so im hoping that will make a difference......im going to be on here alot i think.
or i will be here for a day, then disappear and you can guess why....
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by smadams11 
snever again. i need to grow up and put others before me. i need to appreciate what and who i have. i need to look after myself.
x
x
Best wishes on your journey!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
im already starting to flag-6pm is not far away now.
out of curiousity is it easier with booze in the house or not?
it seems to me that when there isn't any in the house, i am constantly thinking about it. when i have some in, i can sometimes resist it just because i have the comfort of knowing its there if i change my mind.
to that end,i have asked my partner to buy some on the way home from work, but can i resist?
i know-stupid, but hopefully i can do this. and if there is none in the house i will only end up walking around later trying to buy some.
why is it so hard?
i dont even want beer anymore-i actually dread 6pm but its like im being forced. i hate it.
i shouldnt of asked him.
a major well done to everyone on here-its inspirational
x
out of curiousity is it easier with booze in the house or not?
it seems to me that when there isn't any in the house, i am constantly thinking about it. when i have some in, i can sometimes resist it just because i have the comfort of knowing its there if i change my mind.
to that end,i have asked my partner to buy some on the way home from work, but can i resist?
i know-stupid, but hopefully i can do this. and if there is none in the house i will only end up walking around later trying to buy some.
why is it so hard?
i dont even want beer anymore-i actually dread 6pm but its like im being forced. i hate it.
i shouldnt of asked him.
a major well done to everyone on here-its inspirational
x
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 369
smadams11 - I think having the booze in the house is dangerous. I'm sure you can resist but for how long? AND this is about making small changes from who you WERE. The sober you will not have booze in the house, right? Maybe at 6:00 you can go to a movie tonight? Go to a museum. Do something totally different that doesn't leave you pacing the floors, waging a war - you vs. the booze in the cabinet. These first few days (I'm here too) are difficult, so what can you do to just power through?
Help a friend with a project?
Water the lawn?
get a pedicure?
take a class at the gym?
Also, I got a notebook and started making a list of my triggers - MY internal monologue that keeps me feeling like I need the crutch. I skipped a few pages and also started a list of attributes and details about who I am working to be but very detailed, not just "a good mom" but what a good mom does "I will spend a few minutes with baby in the morning, not rushing anywhere but connecting with her before we leave the house."
"I will be honest with my husband about my day, I will remove the word "fine" from my vocabulary."
I don't know if these ideas help... but its whatever gets you through today and soon, you'll be stronger and will grow into the person you know you can be.
Get through today. Just get through today.
Help a friend with a project?
Water the lawn?
get a pedicure?
take a class at the gym?
Also, I got a notebook and started making a list of my triggers - MY internal monologue that keeps me feeling like I need the crutch. I skipped a few pages and also started a list of attributes and details about who I am working to be but very detailed, not just "a good mom" but what a good mom does "I will spend a few minutes with baby in the morning, not rushing anywhere but connecting with her before we leave the house."
"I will be honest with my husband about my day, I will remove the word "fine" from my vocabulary."
I don't know if these ideas help... but its whatever gets you through today and soon, you'll be stronger and will grow into the person you know you can be.
Get through today. Just get through today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
unfortunately i cannot go anywhere as we have 3 children under 7 years old and live far away from everyone i know so no babysitters!
i know my biggest trigger is my partner being around-that sounds terrible but its not meant to be.
when he isn't here i play scrabble/solitaire, do some coursework, paint a room, re-arrange furniture-loads of things. but when he is here he wants to sit and watch TV(which he more than deserves to do) but i cant stand it. i need the night alone.
he bought a PS Vita and plays that in the bedroom but its not the same because i know he is in the house and i eventually drag him downstairs to watch TV with me while i drink.
when he worked nights i stayed sober, with no problems whatsoever.
i cant kick him out!
i dont know what it is, but when he is here i need to drink. i just want to point out that its not him-i love him very much, have no problems with him, he is brilliant and kind-he does nothing wrong-he is just...there, standing in the way of my sobriety through no fault of his own
then i think, maybe i am making excuses, but its true that i dont drink when he is not here. if he is tired and goes straight to bed after work, i dont drink. so i suppose the problem is when he is here and awake.
x
i know my biggest trigger is my partner being around-that sounds terrible but its not meant to be.
when he isn't here i play scrabble/solitaire, do some coursework, paint a room, re-arrange furniture-loads of things. but when he is here he wants to sit and watch TV(which he more than deserves to do) but i cant stand it. i need the night alone.
he bought a PS Vita and plays that in the bedroom but its not the same because i know he is in the house and i eventually drag him downstairs to watch TV with me while i drink.
when he worked nights i stayed sober, with no problems whatsoever.
i cant kick him out!
i dont know what it is, but when he is here i need to drink. i just want to point out that its not him-i love him very much, have no problems with him, he is brilliant and kind-he does nothing wrong-he is just...there, standing in the way of my sobriety through no fault of his own
then i think, maybe i am making excuses, but its true that i dont drink when he is not here. if he is tired and goes straight to bed after work, i dont drink. so i suppose the problem is when he is here and awake.
x
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 699
Hi smadams - it sounds like a habit you have gotten in to and habits can be broken . You could watch a boxset (have just found Luther on Netflix - it's amazing!!) I have also replaced my cider or wine with orange juice and lemonade. It was tough at first and god knows this rubbish British weather promotes getting p*ssd indoors but you can change what you do. I remember counting down the hours until my hubby got home and would greet him at the door with a beer / whiskey for him and start on the wine or cider. I remember the jitters when I was trying to abstain in the early days and the internal fight in my conscience where i'd end up saying 'feck it - I've had a hard day with the kids and i deserve a drink' it would have been ok I guess if I only did have one drink...,
Anyways - you are not alone, we all stumble a bit at the start but just keep trying until you find something that works for you xxxxx
. You could watch a boxset (have just found Luther on Netflix - it's amazing!!) I have also replaced my cider or wine with orange juice and lemonade. It was tough at first and god knows this rubbish British weather promotes getting p*ssd indoors but you can change what you do. I remember counting down the hours until my hubby got home and would greet him at the door with a beer / whiskey for him and start on the wine or cider. I remember the jitters when I was trying to abstain in the early days and the internal fight in my conscience where i'd end up saying 'feck it - I've had a hard day with the kids and i deserve a drink' it would have been ok I guess if I only did have one drink...,Anyways - you are not alone, we all stumble a bit at the start but just keep trying until you find something that works for you
xxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
'god knows this rubbish British weather promotes getting p*ssd indoors'
as silly as it sounds, this is the part that made me feel better! thank you for your nice words(and the laugh!)
x
as silly as it sounds, this is the part that made me feel better! thank you for your nice words(and the laugh!)
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
How did you manage to stop drinking when your son was 4 months and your ex went to jail? Did you have support? Have you ever talked with a professional trauma counselor about your fear of your ex? You have obviously been through alot and trauma like that can stay with you for a long, long time without help. Your son deserves a sober Mom, but first YOU deserve a sober, fulfilling life. Try reading the book Living Sober...it should help you come up with ways to have fun and fill your time without drinking. Surround yourself with sober friends and focus on your son and you will be fine. Good luck.
i as i am terrified of ageing) but now i look horrendous. i am fine during the day, but as soon as 6pm starts nearing i cant think of anything non-alcohol related.
so this is day 1. i drank last night......not tonight. never again. i need to grow up and put others before me. i need to appreciate what and who i have. i need to look after myself.
i would appreciate some support as my determination has failed in the past and i need to hold out this time.
thank you
i as i am terrified of ageing) but now i look horrendous. i am fine during the day, but as soon as 6pm starts nearing i cant think of anything non-alcohol related.
so this is day 1. i drank last night......not tonight. never again. i need to grow up and put others before me. i need to appreciate what and who i have. i need to look after myself.
i would appreciate some support as my determination has failed in the past and i need to hold out this time.
thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: bradford, england
Posts: 110
i managed to stop drinking last time because i couldnt get served-simple as that.
i looked about 13 years old. i dont think i was addicted then as i stopped cold turkey one day and without any real problems. i still wanted beer, but i didnt feel like this.
i think its easier that way, when there is just no way to get alcohol, the decision is taken out of your hands and you just have to cope.
as for a professional-no, i have never tried, but im on a waiting list. i cannot afford to spend money on it and the doctors waiting list is so long that i dont think my turn will ever come around.
maybe there is an online shrink somewhere? haha
x
i looked about 13 years old. i dont think i was addicted then as i stopped cold turkey one day and without any real problems. i still wanted beer, but i didnt feel like this.
i think its easier that way, when there is just no way to get alcohol, the decision is taken out of your hands and you just have to cope.
as for a professional-no, i have never tried, but im on a waiting list. i cannot afford to spend money on it and the doctors waiting list is so long that i dont think my turn will ever come around.
maybe there is an online shrink somewhere? haha
x
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Smadams, 
your not even 30 yet so you're not falling apart. However if you think you look bad because you drink, by all means quit. You will look and feel better quickly. Rootin for ya. 
your not even 30 yet so you're not falling apart. However if you think you look bad because you drink, by all means quit. You will look and feel better quickly. Rootin for ya. 
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