Soberpotamus

Yesterday, on my birthday, a lady insulted me. I'm about 99.9% certain it was a deliberate insult. Half of yesterday (about six hours) I was very angry.

I punished her publicly for hurting me. I actually said enough to cause her to cry and flee the room. I retaliated on a level that overshot the original insult/hurt... and the venom that came from me was quite frightening to me, in retrospect. Not surprising, but a little unnerving.

My lashing out was not just at her... I was lashing out at all the others who've ever embarrassed, insulted, humiliated and hurt me. I thought of high school, my stepmother, the churches, organized religion in general, my grandmother, my parents, past boyfriends... you name it. Somehow, they were right there, fresh. As if it happened yesterday. It seemed I relived many hurtful moments yesterday.

Even today I have been plotting more revenge in my mind. What is wrong with me?? Am I that angry? That hurt? That now I am warped and cruel? Vengeful.

I post daily meditations and positive affirmations here on the Spirituality and ACOA forums, daily. What a hypocrite I am being by meditating and dwelling on this poor woman, who obviously felt threatened in some way, or hateful toward me in some way... enough to say something she figured would jab me a little.

I want to let it go. It is sickening to me. This is something I would've gotten drunk over, easily. And tried to forget. But now I don't have the luxury of forgetting, or getting plastered.

It needs to be released. I don't want to be this person, holding in the venom. I don't want to be as mean as her. I don't want to be a bitter soul anymore.

I don't know how to forgive

ImperfectlyMe

Forgive yourself and apologize to her. You don't have to be perfect everyone is f-up in some way. You weren't the first to unleash on someone undeserving. Learn and grow. You have the clear mind now to realize you have a lot of SH/t pent up that needs releasing in a constructive way! I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience but perhaps it opened your eyes to internal wounds that still need healing hang in there !!

Junegirl

Jennie,

Have you done this before? If not, this may be just one of those days when the moon and the sun align in the wrong way to make us just plain ugly. We all have those days...and to be fair to you, you didn't do this unprovoked. As for today's vengeful thoughts, it sounds more like ruminating. Do you think?
If you are having a lot of these episodes, maybe you have to explore the root cause and work on that. FWIW, I've always found you to be positive and supportive here on SR.

June

Peach2013

This might sound crazy, but if you force yourself (in private when you are as calm as possible) to close your eyes and ask God to bless this woman, and maybe go so far as to list several good things that you hope will happen to/for her in her life. Then, let it go. She started it; you finished it. Don't let it finish you (by stealing your joy.)

Soberpotamus

I meant that literally... I really don't know how to forgive. Not complaining that I'm not perfect. Lol! I truly don't know how to begin to forgive her. And I can't imagine talking to her again, much less asking her to forgive me. I actually never want to encounter her again.

suki44883

Sometimes, we just explode and it seems those toward whom we spew aren't the ones who really deserve it. I think most of us have done that. You're human.

I agree that you should forgive yourself and apologize to her.

Soberpotamus

No, not really. I don't usually behave this way. But usually, people don't insult me! So, it's hard to say...

It seemed like a scene out of a movie really. I said all the things that you imagine saying to your worst enemy, but don't open your mouth to say them... well, I let it fly. It was hard to believe. It was like I was watching myself, in both amusement and horror, simultaneously... as I was saying it.

MsJax

That is so powerful Jennie. I don't know the degree of insult but maybe she needed to hear what you said & shut up herself.

I'm sorry, I hate being mean. Kindness is so important in my life. I hope you feel better very soon, your input here is very helpful

Soberpotamus

Maybe so, I told her to get real... as in, cutting out the drama and gossip that she seems to default to. That it would be to her benefit if she were more honest about her feelings, rather than being mean and talking about others, and insulting others. At least I added that at the end.

Pondlady

I wrote an e-mail along those lines earlier this summer. It had been building up inside of me, I didn't use bad language and I slept on it before sending it. As awful as it was, it was the truth.

Sometimes I tire of being Mary Poppins LOL

Junegirl

Jennie,

I really really believe that we can't like everyone and I personally allow myself that once in a while and I don't feel bad about it. What's more, and not to be woowoo, but I think when that happens it's our gut telling us to keep away from that person for our own good. I'm not saying she's necessarily a bad person, just maybe bad for you in some way. So it's okay to just stay away and move on.
As for apologizing, why apologize if you're not feeling it? I'd wait a few days and see how you feel then.
By the way, I've had a few moments like this too. A bad day, the wrong words said by the wrong person and kaboom! Not my best moments, but hey, I'm just a human. Nothing more and nothing less.

June

Anna

Jennie, I wonder if you unleashed some (or a lot) of the anger that your drinking has been hiding? I ask this because it's what I did. I never spoke up for myself or got angry. I never expressed those kinds of emotions and it wasn't until I stopped drinking that I became aware of the anger/rage inside me. As you said, it was years and years of anger at anyone and everyone who had hurt me. It terrified me. I felt ashamed of the anger and couldn't get past it, couldn't forgive myself or others.

Finally, a wonderful friend here at SR pushed me to journal, and I say pushed because I really didn't want to write down my awful feelings. But, I began and each time I wrote, I felt a bit lighter. It helped me to let go and forgive. Forgiveness is hard and forgiving myself has been the hardest thing. Remember that it takes time and forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. You may have to go back and forgive again, but you will get there.

Nattythreads

Whoops. Both barrels!

I don't know Jennie. I had a lot of misplaced anger-and it doesn't sound like yours was-in my last two years of using, some of it justified but most of it not. The one person I wasn't angry enough at was me.

It took me a while to recognize how destructive it is. I'm still learning that. I apologize quickly now even if Im on solid ground as I find it eats at me which is something I don't need.

You can always apologize for the way you exploded if not necessarily the thrust of the explosion. You never know, she might surprise you and apologize for being an unreasonable b%#^#.

Either way I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Doesn't make you a horrible person-just a human being!

alphaomega

Remember, everyone is a reflection of ourselves. That which we abhor in another, is one of our greatest teachers...

Hugs...

Soberpotamus

I am not a gossip or drama queen, and I would never open my mouth and say what she said to me. So in this case, it isn't true at all.

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Soberpotamus

Junegirl and Anna... that really helps. And I'm going to probably start journaling the yucky stuff. I think that's a good idea.

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silentrun

That feeling sucks. Telling her off really should have given you some relief. The fact that it didn't may mean there is something else going on. I can be like- that take it, take it, freak out. Whenever I get angry with someone I remember I hold the top 5 spots for screwing myself over so... We appreciate you Jennie

alphaomega

Please don't get mad at me, but you said you said things you are mortified over.

And you were shocked at what you were capable of.

So, yeah, it kinda is...

You are a spiritual being having a human experience. If this woman didn't strike some cord in you, a cord that only you can attest to, you would have told her to pound sand and laughed it off. But it ruined your birthday.

Find the lesson.

More hugs...

Soberpotamus

Thanks AlphaOmega, but you are making a few assumptions that just aren't true. Not mad at you.

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awuh1

I can’t remember where I ran across it, but at some point I ran across the phrase “resist not evil”. I remember being sort of puzzled about the phrase at first. Then the person who used it stated that it was from the bible. Well I could not believe it so I had to I look it up. Sure enough, there it was. It means roughly something along the lines of ‘turn the other cheek’.

What struck me was the way it was stated. Somehow, stated like that, another sense of the meaning came through. That is, that we should not attempt to control evil, by the use of evil.

Why add to the misery of the world? The woman who insulted you was likely reacting to some other situation or person in her past, much like you did to her.

The question then is, where does it stop?

The answer is, with me. Unfortunately I'm far from perfect in the exercise of this principle.