Thoughts on Retaliation, Forgiveness, Letting Go...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I don't think the person had any right to say whatever it is they said.
That being said I was reading over the AA sixth step and this popped out at me.
"Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness."
That being said I was reading over the AA sixth step and this popped out at me.
"Self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,987
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC 
What's early sobriety without the occasional temper tantrum?
Jennie,
There were plenty of reasons for me to hate myself when I got sober. At times when I could no longer contain all that self-loathing, I might just as well have shouted at the next person who crossed me, "Run! Save yourself!" That's generally not what came out.
Anger is a wonderful substitute for fear. Most of us would rather feel angry than frightened. For those of us who self-medicate our feelings with alcohol, we often stockpile our hurts rather than process them in any kind of healthy way. It sounds as though something like this may be going on in your comment that you didn't often respond to hurtful people when you were younger. We can't run fast enough to simply leave our hurt feelings behind us. Feelings are raw in recovery. They hurt us, and, when we can no longer take it, we throw emotional hand grenades at someone who rips off the scab of our unrequited anger. Or an innocent bystander.
This happens a lot with grief. When we're unable to process grief, and there are times in our lives when we again lose something or someone important to us, we become crippled under the full weight of past losses that remained largely unresolved. We feel like we're going to die from the pain of loss, and that we'll never stop crying. I've worked with people who've experienced this who've asked, "When will I stop crying?" When you no longer need to cry.
All the emotional work you've been doing here and elsewhere will continue to bring a wellspring of feelings to the surface. This almost always signals personal growth. Powerful feelings often favor us when we least expect it, and then attack us when we are least capable of handling the attack. It's called being human. When our feelings come at us with such fury, we're startled at how powerful they really are, and no longer wonder why we've been avoiding them for so long and in the ways we've attempted to dodge them.
When will your rage subside? When you no longer need to be angry.
Jennie,
There were plenty of reasons for me to hate myself when I got sober. At times when I could no longer contain all that self-loathing, I might just as well have shouted at the next person who crossed me, "Run! Save yourself!" That's generally not what came out.
Anger is a wonderful substitute for fear. Most of us would rather feel angry than frightened. For those of us who self-medicate our feelings with alcohol, we often stockpile our hurts rather than process them in any kind of healthy way. It sounds as though something like this may be going on in your comment that you didn't often respond to hurtful people when you were younger. We can't run fast enough to simply leave our hurt feelings behind us. Feelings are raw in recovery. They hurt us, and, when we can no longer take it, we throw emotional hand grenades at someone who rips off the scab of our unrequited anger. Or an innocent bystander.
This happens a lot with grief. When we're unable to process grief, and there are times in our lives when we again lose something or someone important to us, we become crippled under the full weight of past losses that remained largely unresolved. We feel like we're going to die from the pain of loss, and that we'll never stop crying. I've worked with people who've experienced this who've asked, "When will I stop crying?" When you no longer need to cry.
All the emotional work you've been doing here and elsewhere will continue to bring a wellspring of feelings to the surface. This almost always signals personal growth. Powerful feelings often favor us when we least expect it, and then attack us when we are least capable of handling the attack. It's called being human. When our feelings come at us with such fury, we're startled at how powerful they really are, and no longer wonder why we've been avoiding them for so long and in the ways we've attempted to dodge them.
When will your rage subside? When you no longer need to be angry.
Great thread, thanks Jennie for opening up this sensitive issue for discussion.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
This is just a really amazing "recovery" thread...so chock full of wisdom and varying, yet helpful angles regarding emotional outbursts (who doesn't need help with that in recovery lol). Thank you so much for sharing this piece of your journey as it has obviously been helpful to many, many of us!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Olympia, Washington, USA
Posts: 135
Even the Apostle Paul said, "I do the things I'm not supposed to do, and I don't do the things I should do! What a messed up individual I am."
One thing that helps me with forgiving: it doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean condoning. You just forgive. It can mean those things too, if you want it to of course.
One thing that helps me with forgiving: it doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean condoning. You just forgive. It can mean those things too, if you want it to of course.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
This is just a really amazing "recovery" thread...so chock full of wisdom and varying, yet helpful angles regarding emotional outbursts (who doesn't need help with that in recovery lol). Thank you so much for sharing this piece of your journey as it has obviously been helpful to many, many of us!
Amen sisters, Amen!
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
SoberJennie, I to don't know how to forgive(even myself), have no luck combating the anger and anxiety, and just suffer through this emotional roller coaster ride, because booze and dope would be just another problem that would make it worse. If you figure something out please post it ASAP. I appreciate your threads and you are of course FANTASTIC. 
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Junegirl
Seriously, Peach, what a mean thing to say to you!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by neferkamichael
SoberJennie, I to don't know how to forgive(even myself), have no luck combating the anger and anxiety, and just suffer through this emotional roller coaster ride, because booze and dope would be just another problem that would make it worse. If you figure something out please post it ASAP. I appreciate your threads and you are of course FANTASTIC.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
For those of us who self-medicate our feelings with alcohol, we often stockpile our hurts rather than process them in any kind of healthy way.
All the emotional work you've been doing here and elsewhere will continue to bring a wellspring of feelings to the surface. This almost always signals personal growth. Powerful feelings often favor us when we least expect it, and then attack us when we are least capable of handling the attack. It's called being human. When our feelings come at us with such fury, we're startled at how powerful they really are, and no longer wonder why we've been avoiding them for so long and in the ways we've attempted to dodge them.
When will your rage subside? When you no longer need to be angry.
All the emotional work you've been doing here and elsewhere will continue to bring a wellspring of feelings to the surface. This almost always signals personal growth. Powerful feelings often favor us when we least expect it, and then attack us when we are least capable of handling the attack. It's called being human. When our feelings come at us with such fury, we're startled at how powerful they really are, and no longer wonder why we've been avoiding them for so long and in the ways we've attempted to dodge them.
When will your rage subside? When you no longer need to be angry.
If powerful feelings are an indication of personal growth, I must growing by leaps and bounds then. Lol! I seem to be one big ball of powerful energy and emotions. And was that way drunk, but the power was always diluted by the alcohol, you know? No effective power there. Now it's in full force!
Thanks again for this great reply.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 22
Jennie, sounds like you said something that needed saying. Too often these bullies get away with bad behavior all their lives. By her reaction it sounds like now she's gotten a taste of how bad she makes others feel. I don't think you need to apologize, oftentimes bullies will take that as a sign of weakness. Bet she won't be doing that to you again. So, maybe the birthday gift you gave yourself is that... Write it all down...have some fun with it if you can and put it away. Give yourself a hug...you are no longer someone she can vent her nasty mood on! Hugs
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by SoberJennie
Thanks for this great post, EndGameNYC. I definitely do think I wasn't able to process through all the past hurts adequately, and so was stockpiling them. Yes, I can very much relate to this. Thanks.
If powerful feelings are an indication of personal growth, I must growing by leaps and bounds then. Lol! I seem to be one big ball of powerful energy and emotions. And was that way drunk, but the power was always diluted by the alcohol, you know? No effective power there. Now it's in full force!
Thanks again for this great reply.
If powerful feelings are an indication of personal growth, I must growing by leaps and bounds then. Lol! I seem to be one big ball of powerful energy and emotions. And was that way drunk, but the power was always diluted by the alcohol, you know? No effective power there. Now it's in full force!
Thanks again for this great reply.
Imagine, if you can, a time in your life when this will no longer be an issue. That instead of your feelings coming at you, they will be more in tune with the person you are, and that they will increasingly become a source of reliable strength.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
