alphaomega

Sweetie - reread your original post.

No one can make you feel anything about yourself, if you don't give them full permission.

There's a gift in this for you. It was presented to you on the day you were given to this earth.

And if I didn't think you were one of the coolest chicks I've never met, who is working on herself to be her absolute best, has an unlimited open mind, and is exceptionally caring and giving, I would be high tailing it outta here.

But you are so worth it.

Soberpotamus

Well, thanks. I'll reread it and try to make sense of what you're saying.

Soberpotamus

This makes total sense. There were red flags popping up all over the place from the first time I met her... I tried to like her. Maybe she sensed this?

I do want to stay far away from her. Or at least, just ignore her from now on. I was actually ignoring her before... maybe that is why she said this?

alphaomega

I'm struggling with almost the exact same thing. I was so insulted last Wednesday, by, get this, a Facebook post that wasn't even directed at me, that it ruined my massage. I could not get past it.

It also ruined this mornings meditation as I haven't had the opportunity to retaliate yet, but the venom was derailing me from my most sacred places.

I have yet to find the reason this has incensed me so much. The bottom line is the guy that posted the post just left his family and decided he was gay. He is constantly posting about gay acceptance/equality/his struggles. Lamenting about how hard it it and or course,

NoH8.

He apparently has no issue though making comments about fat women's choice of summer clothing. The hypocrisy is laughable.

But in many ways I'm a laughable hypocrite too...

And I must really despise that about myself.

Ptcapote

Hey Jennie, so sorry that happened to you on your birthday. And I am glad you posted about it. I know that I let loose on someone a few weeks ago and it was probably WAY more than the person deserved even if they were indeed being a complete ass. I felt kind of justified about the whole thing because this particular individual has demeaned others for far too long and I normally just bite my tongue or walk away. This time? Not so much.

I agree with Anna that a lot, like a TON, of this, in my case, is related to not letting it out for years and burying my feelings with booze. I was never, ah, soft-spoken, but I did tend to let things fester and then have a nuclear meltdown when I got loaded. Usually on people who didn't deserve it.

This person did sort of deserve it but it was probably still not the best or most spiritual use of my energy.

We live, we learn. And we try to do better the next time. Forgiveness comes with time...trying to force it, IMHO, is a recipe for disaster.

Dee74

I had a hard time forgiving things - over 40 odd years I had things done and said to me that were unforgiveable.

The Shack was a useful book for me to read - regardless of whether you're a Christian or not, I think there's a lot in that novel about the nature of forgiveness, and in particular that to forgive means we release our hands from around the other persons neck....

I copped a lot of tongue lashings, and other abuse...and said nothing for many years...when I regained my strength I overcompensated too.

What I was doing was reacting to other in exactly the same way that others had reacted to me.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I bullied and intimidated people in my early reawakening period.

That was not who I want to be and I'm glad I had the good sense to see that and stop it.

I learned in time that the opposite to being non assertive was being assertive - and that assertiveness, true assertiveness, was quiet and calm, not loud and angry.

D

Soberpotamus

This also makes perfect sense. Around others, I always seemed choked... like paralyzed to some degree, at times, from speaking up. I think it goes back to childhood, and my family, my mom's sister, my mom... pretty much invalidating me and my feelings for years. I learned to keep myself hidden sort of, the real me anyway. In college, I let it all come out... but I drank in order to do that, so again... it wasn't authentic self-expression, it was warped by the alcohol.

I'm finally becoming authentic, and it's a bit clumsy

Tippingpoint

Well, the horse is long gone. No use futzing about with that barn door now.

All of the thought and energy that you have invested in this bit of drama is not going to be a positive influence on your recovery or your spiritual well being Jennie. Maybe you could really dedicate the next few days to mindfulness and meditation and I'm sure that the negativity will slowly fade into the ether of your mind and you'll come out the other side the better for it.

It may just be part of the process. Some others touched on the idea that when we're addicted our poor self esteem doesn't allow us to speak out in defence of ourselves...we assume that we aren't worthy of it. Perhaps you're just finding your voice and making up for years of cowering.

It's good that you're here talking it through though. You'll figure the best way through it.

silentrun

It's not that unusual when someone makes us feel a certain way to remember all the times someone made us feel that way. You can't get away from your feelings right now and you want to. I was like that 2 nights ago and I reached out to LDT. You have 120 days in today as I checked your page. Not to say that you don't have a right to be angry, but you said it yourself this isn't you. My 120 (or was it my 30 because I slipped May1) was absolutely brutal. After it was over though I got back some of what I lost.

Twofish

Jenni, I don't know you, but your post are filled with kindness. I, too, await the person to verbally attack me, my parenting skills, my children and their addictions. I imagine this person will say cruel, mean, not very nice things and perhaps compare her perfect children to my addicted children. Slice me right where it hurts the most, my heart. And I WILL forgive her(I think that's the easy part) but never forget her words and the pain it will cause me. I think you're not alone here. We all fear this happening to ourselves or someone we love. This person, IMO, is a fool, not educated and doesn't think before she spoke.. That's my thoughts and I hope I don't catch he$l from the others. Please don't beat yourself up, forgive her ignorance, hold your head up and walk away from it. BTW Happy belated B-Day! TF

Soberpotamus

Wow... now this visual helps me tremendously, thanks Dee This really makes sense, about forgiveness.

wpainterw

Soberjennie: Often, during the 86 years I have lived, I have had anger. Many times I had enormous anger at my mother. I remember once I was so angry that I put the dog in the car and drove over 500 miles to my winter house, stewing and simmering all the way so that I ran out of gas just before entering an under harbor tunnel. Earlier in my life I was angry at my sister, who wrote me angry, abusive letters just before she died, letters which, 45 years later, I still have. This is a fault. I should have thrown them away. But I if I read one or two of them I think, "I know now how she was sick at heart. I miss her. I cannot forget."
With all the years which have passed since then I have come to believe that after anger can come understanding and if one understands then one can forgive. I now understand my mother's childhood, her frustrated hopes, her love for my sister who died and for her grandchild who died soon after. And I can look at her grave and say that "You know? I understand now. And it's all right. It's all right." And then perhaps I can forgive myself if I can learn to understand myself. The gravestone is old now and the lichen has grown all over it. Maybe I can scrub it off.
Perhaps it might help if, should you meet this woman again, you hold out your hand and say, "I guess I may have overreacted. Perhaps I can become your friend." And possibly you may learn something about her and why she said the things she should not have said.

W.

Soberpotamus

Well... actually I'm full of anger. I guess I should have said that I don't usually lash out verbally at strangers. Unfortunately, I've lashed out at my husband and closer friends a lot lately. I've sort of bullied my husband some. But he is handling it well, because I realize what I am doing right after and stop... and apologize and he forgives me. I think like Dee said, it is some sort of overcompensation or backlash I am experiencing... from having felt helpless to stop others from belittling or hurting or invalidating me. The invalidation by far was the worst of it. It crushes the spirit. But, instead of letting it crush me all those years, I hid myself underneath pretty darn well... to save myself... drank through my 20's and early 30's... and now I guess it's all spewing out finally.

alphaomega

Maybe that's exactly what you were on the receiving end of for her...

(Backing away now slowly.....)

Soberpotamus

WPainterw... thank you. That was a beautiful post. I do want to understand her, and the others, and myself. Life is too short to live angry, and vengeful, and hurt.

I have a journal my mother wrote years ago. It hurts and makes me sick sometimes to read what she wrote. I can see how she was sick, in her thinking. I can see how she misunderstood lots of things. And how the alcohol warped her mind.

Twofish

Jennie, Look at how many people care about you, that hopefully will soften the pain some. I wouldn't dwell on this, it will just eat you up, like guilt does to me. Your kindness overpowers these moments of being defensive and angry. Be strong!!

Soberpotamus

Thanks Twofish... I am ok, really. It's just my way of processing things. To write it out like this, and share with you all. I am not going to let it eat me up, and it is by doing this... writing it out, sifting through it, that I will keep it from eating me up

joygirl

Hello, Jennie.
I hear ya! I think what you said about having anger pent up about things/people in your past makes sense. I had that too, but didn't realize it. My therapist gave me an exercise that was very hard at first, but helped me in the end. I was to write a letter (hand-write, that's important) to each person I was angry at. I started with my dad. My letter started very polite and matter of fact, and by page 3, I was cussing, underlining words, using giant exclamation points, not even staying in the lines! My writing was just spewing nastiness out of me! It went on for , I think, 12 pages. You should have seen my therapist's face as he turned each page! lol!! BUT... you will NOT actually send this letter. So it is safe to let loose. I didn't expect all of that to come out of me at first, but as I went on, wow! My hands were shaking and I was crying. I finished it with Love, Joy. I was physically and emotionally drained after that and I fell asleep. I kept that letter folded up in a safe place for nearly a year. Then I shredded it. That's just the first letter. Subsequent letters weren't as harsh. I never reread them myself. But, I was able to let anger out of me this way.
Maybe this exercise could help you? I just thought I'd throw it out there. Big hug!

Mizzuno

Jennie,
I think that forgiveness is not about the other person. Holding onto all of this anger is only keeping you in a place of turmoil. Sometimes we can not forgive a person for whatever reason, but I think that after awhile when the emotions settle, we can move into a better understanding. From that understanding, we may move into forgiving. It does not have to be in the form of an apology. You can simply forgive her of her stupidity, or whatever it was that sent you over the edge. Also, allowing yourself to be a human that reacts is perfectly fine. You are owning your reaction, and it was alarming to you. I think you see the power that you hold. You are not her. A chord was struck and you responded. Being human is very hard at times.
I hope that you move into a gentle place with yourself. You deserve to have your head space as your own. Do not let her take up any more valuable time.
((HUG)) to you Jennie.

Soberpotamus

You've voiced exactly what I think is going on here. Thanks Feels good to feel the pressure taken off to immediately forgive And I don't even wanna think about apologizing... lol! That will just have to come with time.