ananias

Pamel...I don't know how to help but you sound so on edge. Sorry....hope you get to the other side of this addiction. We are here if you want to talk or whatever.

Ladybug2

Is it raining in the Burg? Must be headed our way, still sunny, but clouds are rolling in. How are you doing? Day 16 almost done, stay strong!!

amandaw

I've made it through the toughest part of my day with the kids. My husband should be home within 2 and 1/2 hours, and my son is down for his second nap (which should last at LEAST another hour). My daughter is coloring. I color with her and I find it VERY therapeutic. I've been fine without access to the car, although I did forget my daughter's swim suit in the car a long with thank you notes. I just had her swim in something else this morning and will do thank you notes with her tomorrow.

One minor-ok major-irritation. Last weekend my husband said an energy consultant was coming out. He sat his ass on the couch for 2 hours while he "waited" for the guy to show up. I still can't fathom why he needed wait on the couch. I, in the meantime, had been cleaning the house from top to bottom for company arriving. After his two hour stint on the couch, he moved to his office and f'd around on the internet. I was mad of course to be doing everything alone (typical, though). Anyway, I digress, it turns out he had the date wrong, and that the appointment was this morning. I told him to reschedule it, as I don't want to be dealing with that and 2 kids while he was at work. He said he wanted to be here anyway when the guy comes, and he said he'd go ahead and do that. Well, I was just out of the pool with the kids and making them lunch when the doorbell rang. I instantly knew what happened, and just didn't go to the door. I was in a BATHING SUIT with racoon eyes, and not-at-all company ready. I was pissed. So the guy called my husband and he called me and I told him to reschedule. He was supposed to do so anyway and he put me in a bad position with no notice. So my husband says no, go to the door, and i refused. He got mad and said some not-nice things, as did I. Then he told me that he said he told the guy I was on the pot with a huge poop and the guy said then he'd reschedule.

Did I handle it correctly? Probably not. Did he? Absolutely not. I ended up telling him that when he reschedules, I'm going to leave the house so he can deal with it with a 4 year old and 10 month old. I'm certainly not going to stick around to face this guy being known as the "pooper." After that, I hid his ps3.

Anyway, there's my vent.....grrr.... I told him if he'd just given me notice, there wouldn't be a problem. I also said if he'd have done what he said he was going to do, there wouldn't be a problem. Again, I know I was a bitch to not go to the door, but noon is seriously a cluster time of day....

Oh and I'm not going to drink over it.

Ladybug2

Lol, Amanda- you gave me a much needed laugh

Sounds like something my hubby would have told the guy Hey, at least you made it through, way to go on not drinking over it

JustSarah

I LOVE that you hid his ps3!! Teehee What is it with guys and those things?! I swear it sounds like we're in Beirut somedays as the gunfire from COD is so loud. I bought the hubby headfones to help my cause

Well done for surviving Amandaw xxxxx

amandaw

Thanks Ladybug (my dog's name is Lady, but I call her ladybug all the time) and JustSarah. We do this kind of stuff all the time. I do feel bad for the poor energy consultant, but I just didn't want the stress. Selfish, but I'm just not in the mood. I have very low self esteem and social anxiety when I don't have my hair/make up done in addition to being somewhat controlling. I need to know what's going on and if things aren't how they're supposed to be, I almost started to panic. My husband has headphones as well. He wears them while watching tv/playing video games. I, however, do not let him wear them when the kids are awake, because then I'm completely on my own with everything. It's amazing how they can completely zone out on the TV or video games even without headphones on. I know it's not fair, but there are many times I've walked into what I would describe as a war zone in Beirut. Toys everywhere, the kids going ballistic, and Eric on the couch in his own world. I told him he's the reason I drink. hahaha. I'm not serious (at least mostly not), but it just seems so overwhelming to me, when I know it's really not a huge deal.

Emkay

It's really overwhelming when you are raising young kids and your husband is checked out. My husband got addicted to WoW a few years back. His PC is in the middle of the living room, and he got so into it that he refused to wear headphones. He blasted his guild members over everything else "because he couldn't hear", and they were swearing and everything. He was completely ignoring the kids and literally neglected his chores for months. One day, I actually said, "tomorrow you will come home to your computer smashed to pieces if you don't shut down that game today" when the baby started swearing. He knew I was fully planning on going through with it and finally realized that he had to make a few changes

Pamel

Thanks ananias (and all of you). Yes, I am very on edge in ALL of my life, but I must say my most serene moments are spent in AA meetings. I am at the almost end of Day 1 without alcohol despite two REALLY GOOD chances to get it, but I made it through.

Now, some of the day's apparent complexities have vanished and we are into a nice evening. What a wonderful feeling it will be to go to bed tonight without having a drink!

ananias

Yay Pamel! I still sober here at the end of my day and I am so glad. I have just been trying to think through all the crap I don't want anymore. I don't want it to be in control. In Jan my Dad took my whole family to the Great Wolf Lodge....I brought vodka in my suitcase. I remember feeling such a relief when I packed it knowing I would have something. I don't want to be like that anymore.

Had a busy day, fun though. The kids had fun at the pool and we all watched a little TV before they went to bed. I am starting to get into the okay part where I am not climbing up the walls wanting to drink...I am afraid of when the big cravings start again...probably around day 10. Must not freak out lol. I don't know how I could want to be back there but I have always gone right back.

Does anyone else have trouble with having alcohol tied to so many different things. Like I am taking the kids to the zoo next weekend. Usually after everyone is so tired from walking around all day we order pizza and I slam cold ones until it gets there...and of course continue to drink to keep up my buzz. Sigh....triggers I guess? I don't even want to think about Christmas. Is this just first year kinda stuff or am I always going to want to drink Baileys and vodka while I wrap Christmas presents? That sounds so sad when you write it out. I need this to be it for me...

My husband isn't a gamer but I can see why you wanted to drop kick him lol. Good job not relapsing...seems like I am always looking for a reason to. I spilled fabric softener all over the floor and my first thought was oh I need to drink tonight...really? Over fabric softener? I am nervous about when my husband comes home....he is used to me being his drinking buddy although he drinks like nothing compared to me so maybe it will be okay. I just feel guilty I guess. "Remember all the fun we used to have drinking and watching bad movies? Yeah I am done with all that now. " I am probably being dumb. I haven't even told him actually...


I will say Pamel that after I have been sober for a while in the past I am much less anxious....what is the longest you have been sober in the past few years? My last round was only 16 days but I was feeling much better going into the second week. You might have that to look forward to! I would like to try AA but the lack of anyone to watch the kids and the fact that I may run into people my husband works with or for....excuses maybe but I haven't gone either way.

Day 4 done! Still feel good, tired as crap though!

amandaw

Ananias: wow I'm the same exact way as you. The littlest thing can happen and I feel I deserve a drink. I don't even wane to think of the holidays. I romanticize the drink. Today I almost fell off the Wagon for a "buy a bottle of wine, get a jar of free pasta sauce" deal I saw at the store. WtF?

I'm hanging on by a thread. I can make no promises for tomorrow. I start rehab Monday and my brain is doing all sorts of rationalizing about having one last night. In bed now. Hopefully I can get through tomorrow.

Dee74

last hurrahs are always dangerous, Amanda.

You only need to look back at your posts a couple of days back to see where drinking can take you - don't go back there.

I know it's scary but you're not alone here - use our support.

you'll be far better prepared for Monday if you stay committed and sober til then

D

ananias

The only promise you need to make is to yourself. But....if you drink tomorrow you will have missed the opportunity to show yourself you can do this and on your own. When you finish rehab you will probably be slammed with cravings. You can look back and say pssh I've been through this and I got it. One thing I am figuring out is that it won't ever be enough...I'll never drink enough to be finished I have to stop drinking to be finished. The only way I'll be done is I'd I put it down. And drinking one night won't make not drinking the next any better/easier. I'll always want more I have to tell myself now. No matter how many last night's I have had I always want another. Thinking about you.

Also has anyone heard from Trooper....we are missing someone else too....keep pushing back people!

amandaw

Being up now with my 10.5 month old makes me appreciate that I didn't drink. If I'd been drinking I could do him or worse. The thing is, Eric has him tomorrow. Still need to get more sleep to get a fresh mindset.

Pamel

Day 2 finally!

Of one thing I am sure: it is that first little sip that starts the whole thing. The obsession for more (the worst) or drinking more (also the worst but at least you get a little relief for a while). A release from the world and the difficulties of life.

Have not seen Trooper..

BTW Amanda, I have a "headphone" bf (books) but it is like living with a zombie. They are in another world and do not want to be interrupted. I am very much a "people" person, and HATE not having anyone to converse with. Heaven forbid some small thought slips out of my mouth and he has to stop his book with "Say what?" Well, "what" wasn't much, just a thought or an observation... Oh for the return to the time without all this gadgetry.

It IS on me to change that. I could read, or just do other things...I guess that is what "change" is about.

ananias

Amanda my youngest was up half the night too....She must have gotten bit by something she has a rash and was itchy my crazy.....considered taking her to the er and it was nice to know I could do that. She woke up fine too...rash totally gone. Good luck today.

Pamel you are doing awesome. I have relapsed several times since starting this sober thing. The last few times it was like....I was processing....thinking about what I was really doing. Realizing that it wasn't fun...it didn't even release th need. After the first drink I just wanted another....and another until I passed out or ran out. I really tried to look at myself and see it for what it really is. I hate that I am sounding like some old pro....I'm just as lost as everyone else. I just want to help if I can and also writing things out like this helps me process and cement things in my head. But just last night I had a long thought process about how I like to be drunk....super healthy right.

I have to realize that....It's never enough. I'll always want more. So unless I'm prepared to drink the rest of my life I have to stop. I have no middle ground.

dwtbd

for me at least, I don't consider myself a newbie or not an old timer, in the respect that this isn't the first time I have tried to stay sober on purpose for as long as I can/will, because I have finally admitted that I have to

dwtbd

btw I have been to aa in the past once or twice when younger and directed to stay employed(should have said something to me way back heh, duh)
it seems a lot of people here say they do not want to be in the position of being recognized by attending, maybe that is not a bad thing really, should people have a bad impression of someone seeking help? they may have a bad impression hearing that the pizza guy giggles to the neighbors that whoever answers the door at such and such a house can barely manage to get the change/tip right, just thinking out loud

dwtbd

I'm at work and just thinking about the last post, since I am new to this forum I would hate to leave the wrong impression from jump.
What I meant about the above was that I would hate to think that someone would not use a tool that may help them (and the way my brain works, this would give me an excuse to continue to relapse) simply because of stigma that may be attached.
First anyone you run into there , are there too.
Its kind of like purposefully setting yourself up to fail, probably not even kind of like as much as is. For me I would rationalize and say aa or similar groups are my only hope, and because I can't even try it for whatever reason , I know I will relapse at some point but hey I knew that so at least I tried, works great for a couple times.
Not to say that I think there is only one way for everyone , just don't think this a way that would work for you, meaning convince yourself that there something will work, but just because you can't do that particular thing you are done for.
Perhaps there are several ways , or even if there really is one solution for you and you knew it truly, don't be like I was/am try it no matter what, because off the top of my head I can think of two reasons:1 what do you have to lose and 2 what do you have to lose?

amandaw

Pamel - YAY!!!!! hopefully now that you see you can do it, you'll be motivated to stay sober. Just remember how helpless you've felt recently. You've done it! As for the books. I'm not sure if you and your boyfriend have kids, but when/if do, you'll want to shove those books so far........ I'll stop there. Luckily after several arguments, my husband only wears his headphones during the baby's naps and bedtime.

Ananias: I'm glad the baby is ok. Mine was up from 2-3 am. He's 10 months, isn't the waking through the night supposed to be over? I know I'm over it. Your discussing how it was no longer "fun" to drink really hit a chord with me. Yesterday I really wanted to drink today because I enter rehab tomorrow. Now that I think about it, though, I can't figure out WHY? Why do I NEED a drink? Is there a "fun" occasion tonight? Nope. I feel better this morning anyway. We'll see how I'm feeling at the end of the day.

dwtbd: Thanks so much for your words. The level of support on these boards is amazing!

Pamel

ananias, that pretty much says it all. Just returned from the AA meeting, and haven't craved a drink yet on Day 2. It really is that first drink that starts the whole process, and when you think about what a "chemical" you are putting into your body and brain, it is not hard to believe there is real science to this.

As for AA, it really is my "home". I hate TV (fall asleep while the bf watches)-never had one before him. So...1 hour out of my day to see a bunch of friends who share my problem and socialize a bit, plus get a bit of strength for the day...just my way. I must say in all the years of AA I have met more interesting people. Can't remember one that I met in a bar.